The Inspection Of CGL
by MissSugarQuill
Summary: I was asked to go to Camp Green Lake to observe the boys from a normal citizen's point of view. 'Write a report on each boy from one tent,' they requested of me. So I did. And in all my life, I have never met such PSYCHOS.
1. Draft Report: My First Impression

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter One ll Draft Report: My First Impression**

--

_Nine_ whole hours to this random place out in the middle of the kentucky-fried-desert?

Well, bite my crumpet, but that is _so_ not my idea of a peaceful month.

I looked out and saw random holes while the bus jumped every now and then because of the unpaved road.

So, who am I and what am I doing?

Well, my name's Andromeda. Yeah, I'm a _female_ and I'm on my way to Camp Green Lake. _No,_ I didn't get sentenced there. How could you expect me, a lovely, sweet, straight-A student, get sentenced to a juvenile camp?

I'm going to Camp Green Lake because the Attorney General and his group of important people are concerned about the way things are being run at that place. They want _me_, a respectable, normal, everyday citizen to go and check the place out. They want _me_ to stay there for a month so I can observe the camp. They want _me_ to hang out with the delinquents and to write a report on each of them. See how their personalities are. See if they're dangerous.

Don't ask me why I agreed!

I watched the rise and fall of the telephone wires. It was going to be tough, going to a place where no female inhabits. Sheesh, it's going to be _scary as_. My parents were ecstatic that I had agreed to do this. The deal was that I'd get a scholarship and a Very-Good-For-Social-Life, Certificate-of-Appreciation if I went through this whole process.

Okay, I really don't mean to sound so... _blunt_. I _am _a nice person – usually - but even I have to admit I've got a real attitude on the inside. I just can't help but think odd things.

Hey, it's the person I am!

The bus slowed down and I gulped. I remembered little Cecily's words when I said goodbye to her and my parents this morning.

"_Come back soon, Sis,"_ she had whimpered with tearful eyes_, "Don't catch any boy guuu-uurms!"_

I saw a couple of rundown buildings and quite a few large, grey tents. The place looked like a scorching pancake.

"Welcome to Camp Green Lake," the driver said.

I blinked and picked up my huuuge suitcase, overnight bag and denim backpack. The driver raised his eyebrows at all my luggage. I guess he didn't really expect so much stuff.

But I'm a girl!

"Thanks," I said sincerely, struggling to get off the bus without forward-tumbling down the steps followed by my suitcase and bags. Oh, that would be joyous. _Not_.

The driver had the courtesy to get up and carry my suitcase for me. He led me towards one of the rundown buildings. I raised my eyebrows. Okay, I know you're going to think "SNOB" after my next line, but honestly, how shabby is this place?

_My report so far,_ I thought dully, looking around, _Shabby; rundown; an insult to all who comes by it._

And how hot could ya get?

_Okay, enough with the snotty wisecracks_, I told myself.

I entered the building and felt the welcoming relief of air-conditioning. I glanced around, but the place was still pretty small. _Not spacious enough_. There was a desk (_needs more modern furniture)_, some file cabinets (_...no comment_), a cactus (_very clever, a plant that hardly needs watering!_) and a man wearing a cowboy hat (_needs to employ BETTER-LOOKING people._)

He raised his eyebrows at me and looked at the bus driver, obviously waiting for some answers.

"She's the girl they sent," the bus driver man explained.

The cowboy man looked at me, realisation spreading across his face, "So I see," he growled. _Well, eat my shorts!_ I thought angrily. He needn't look at me as if I'm a piece of trash!

"A girl?" he continued, raising his eyebrows.

_That's right, grandpa!_

I'm _so_ glad I was trained not to say whatever comes to my mind.

The bus driver nodded, "Here's her file." He walked over and handed Mr. Look-At-Me-I'm-So-Deficient a clipboard, and I realised it had all _my_ information on it.

Eeep!

The man looked at my file and read it out loud, "Andromeda Williams. Birth date: twenty-eighth of July. Age - " his eyes widened, then he looked at me over the top of the clipboard. "Are you telling me you aren't even _fourteen _yet?"

I nodded uncertainly; well, I couldn't very well say "Pucker up, sister!" now, could I?

"I guess I'll be leaving," the bus driver finally said. He nodded over to me while taking the can of soda the other dude had handed him, "Careful, 'lil gal."

_Little?_

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Mr. LAMISD said gruffly, still looking at my file, "_Thirteen year old girl_, what game d'they think they're playing at?"

I said nothing. It seemed like the smart thing to do.

Finally, he put the clipboard down. He motioned for me to sit down, which I did because I didn't want to try out my non-existent martial art skills.

"Listen up, I know you're the girl the AG sent to inspect us, but don't think I'm gonna go all smoochy nice on you just 'cause of that," he growled, "The way things are run here are just fine, and there's nothin' you can say against us."

Suddenly, I felt powerful. _I_ could put an end to this misery man's job! BOW DOWN, I SAY! Too bad he doesn't seem to recognise my extreme power and authority. Hehehe.

I am so _excellent_.

"It says here you are to write a report on the camp, the counselors... _me_," he said extra menacingly, "the Warden... and all the boys from one tent. Well, you up to it, girlie?"

I said nothing. No one in my life has called me _girlie_ before. Not since kindergarten!

Then, I nodded.

He grinned at me, "Good, 'cause I'm assigning you the boys of D-tent."

_Huh?_ _Okay, next part on my report: Employed man show signs of enthusiasm at things that don't make sense._

"Get up," he spat out a sunflower seed. _Needs gum.._

I got up slowly. Then he stared at my suitcase.

"What's in that?" he demanded of me. _Does not show respect for privacy._

Before I could stop myself, I said, "D'you really wanna know?"

He just looked at me. Oopsies!

Finally, he heaved a sigh, "Guess not. Get goin' now, girlie. You've got a tent all to yourself near the Warden's cabin. I'll take your - thing." He nodded over to my suitcase, which was fluro pink.

_Does not know correct terminology for luggage in general._

I wish I had a notepad. I had so many notes on this guy that I figured I couldn't remember half of them.

"My name is Mr. Sir. You will address me as 'Mr. Sir' at all times, is that clear?" he suddenly barked at me as if I was part of an army squad. I felt like saluting and going, "Sir, yes, sir!"

But of course, I didn't. I simply nodded, wondering what sort of obscure alien had named him _Mr. Sir._

"This ain't a girl scout camp," he added, spitting out another sunflower seed shell.

Well, _duh!_

--

A/N: Hello all! Story's being revised a little because some amendments are needed. x) _Yes,_ Andii is now thirteen (almost fourteen) and I've gotten rid of the year she was born in because it was causing too much confusion among readers who are reading this two years later. So SHE'S A YEAR OLDER NOW! Still a child at heart, though. xD - msq.


	2. Notes: Meeting THEM

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

Note: This story does not follow "Holes". I am simply borrowing... everything from it. LOL. Okay, in other words; all the original boys of D-tent will be here (**not** including Barfbag and Twitch) and the Warden and Mr. Sir. Yeah, you know the drill. Onwards!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Two ll Notes: Meeting THEM**

--

I dragged my overnight bag and slung my backpack over my shoulder as I followed Mr. _Sir_ past grey tents and rundown buildings towards an old fashioned cabin that was built right next to two dying trees with a hammock stretched between them.

_Gee… that wasn't a long sentence._

Quiet, you.

"That's the Warden's cabin," Mr. Sir growled, dragging my beautiful pink suitcase across the dirt and getting dust all over it. I winced.

Beside the Warden's cabin was a fairly large orange tent.

"That's where you'll be staying."

Oh, how very pretty! The tent looked very new and fashionable. _Accommodation for Important People: rating on a scale of 1 - 10 - **9**._

"Not sure why the Warden's out to impress you," Mr. Sir continued to growl as he continued to spit out sunflower seeds, which made me _continue_ to tap dance every now and then to avoid the "bullets" coming from his mouth. "But she is, and she's taken a lot of care to make sure your stay is very pleasant."

_She?_

Well, this "Warden woman" obviously knows the power and authority I possess! BOW DOWN, I SAY! Bwahahahaha.

I opened the tent flap and peered in. The inside of the tent was silver, and it was pleasantly cool. There was a pink blow-up airbed near the corner, complete with a thin pink blanket and a fluffy pillow.

Awww, how nice!

There was an obviously new, white crate in the other corner, which had three blue towels in it. On top of the crate was shampoo, nice-smelling soap and a brush. Well, someone's got their priorities right!

Mr. Sir obviously noticed my looks of appreciation because he growled (yet again), "It's the Warden's doings."

_(Note to self: must thank Warden woman at one point. )_

He looked at the clipboard as I put my bags down and wrestled my suitcase from his grip.

"It says here you'll be staying for a month," he growled. I wonder if there's any dog blood in his family. It would really explain the perpetual growling.

"You are to meet the Warden after this," Mr. Sir's voice had suddenly gone business-like. "Then you will meet the counselor of the tent assigned for you to report on - D-tent, in this case - " his lips curved into a grin, and yet again I wondered what was so _amusing_, " - therefore, you will be meeting Pendanski, then those seven delinquents."

Hey! That's so mean of him to call them delinquents. I mean, _I'm_ allowed to call them that 'cause my social status is higher up.

_But deficient men like him do not have the authority!_

Hmph.

"Mr. Sir," I said sweetly, "May I ask you where the lake is?" It was the politest way I could think of asking him.

Mr. Sir laughed - no, actually, he _guffawed_. I tried taking a mental note down, but I was trying to remember all the other notes I had taken down of him and was honestly fearful my brain would explode.

"A 'lil late for that now. Dried up over a 'undred years ago, girlie!"

STOP CALLING ME GIRLIE.

Sheesh, does that man have a _problem_?

(_NOTE: The camp needs to acquire more sane-in-the-mind employees.)_

"Um, okay then," I said slowly. Suddenly, I felt tired. I just wanted to fall asleep, but I still had to meet the Warden woman, that pen dancing guy and those "delinquents" of D-tent that Mr. D finds giggle-worthy.

And I needed a shower _desperado-ly_, 'cause I have been sweating in my T-shirt and _jeans_ for the past ten hours!

"Quickly, the Warden doesn't have all day." Okay, so it's back to growling. Well, two can play that game!

Growling and grumbling under my breath, I followed Mr. Sir out of my beautiful tent and towards the cabin. He knocked on the door, took off his sooo-out-of-fashion cowboy hat and pressed it against his chest.

Oh, _please_.

The door opened and a tall woman stood there. She was extremely freckled and had curly red hair.

"This is her," Mr. Sir introduced me.

The woman raised her eyebrows at him, then fixed her brown eyes on me kindly-like, "The girl the AG sent?"

La di da. I tried to peer into the cabin. It was air-conditioned. Too bad it wasn't air-conditioned everywhere. _(NOTE: Needs more funds to have air-conditioning in every building and tent. Maybe a few out in the desert.) _

_Yeah, right._

"Did you show her where she is to stay?" the Warden woman asked Mr. Sir, who nodded while gazing at her love sickeningly.

I hit what his intentions and feelings were and tried not to throw up.

Mr. Sir gave her the clipboard (with all _my_ information on it) and she read it with critical eyes.

"Andromeda?" she repeated with a smile, "Very nice to meet you. I'm the Warden of this camp but you may call me Ms. Walker. I hope you enjoy your stay here," then to Mr. Sir, "Which tent have you assigned her to report on?"

_Well, she seems nice. And I'm not being sarcastic here! But... maybe she's being... overly nice. Y'know, people who are just out to impress you so you won't badmouth their property? Kinda like being a health inspector!_

"D-tent."

I was starting to get annoyed at that word. _D-tent._

But then, maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Maybe it was actually... a word. Fascination. But what could it be?

_Deetent__?_

_Ditent__?_

_Dietent__?_

"D-tent?" the Warden repeated (_AHH! THAT STUPID WORD!) _with raised eyebrows, "...Well, I expect them to be on their best behaviour. I'll get her a can of soda, then let her rest for about ten minutes before taking her to meet Matthew Pendanski and those boys. I doubt any of them are back yet - " she checked the golden wristwatch on her right arm, " - they barely finished lunch twenty minutes ago."

Wow, that made a lot of sense.

I wondered what the boys _do_ at this camp. I had suddenly realised that the compound was basically empty. I hadn't noticed anyone around except for a few counselors.

Sigh.

I was beginning to doubt the excitement and supposed "badness" that is _supposed_ to happen at his camp. I mean, where's all the cruelty and suffering that is _supposed_ to be inflicted on the delinquents? That's the whole reason why I'm here. TO CEASE ALL BADNESS AT CAMP-GREEN-LAKE THAT HAS NO LAKE 'CAUSE IT DRIED OVER A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, _GIRLIE_!

…I want a cookie.

The Warden woman had gone back into her cabin, then came back out. She handed me the can of Coke that had magically appeared in her hand with a light smile, then told me some stuff (like how I could go to the toilet and take a shower in the bathroom in her cabin.)

"Laundry's done every three days," Mr. Sir added.

"WHAT?" I screamed, absolutely mortified.

_Three_ days?

_In this weather?_

Are they trying to _kill_ me?

Well, this is certainly going in my report!

_Three days!_

"Laundry will be done everyday for you, Miss Williams," the Warden woman said quickly, glaring at Mr. Sir, "We all understand that girls have exceptions."

I smiled at her. She smiled back, then waved goodbye and closed the door. I was left on the porch with Mr. Sir.

"Get back to yer tent, and I'll see yer in ten minutes," he said gruffly, "Yer've gotta meet Pendanski and them, then yer'll take a shower, start writin' those 'lil reports of yer in the Wreck Room, and then join the boys for dinner. Don't go thinkin' it's all gonna be easy. Yer're not diggin' any holes but the delinquents here aren't gonna give yer an easy time. This innit a girl scout camp."

And with that, he walked off as only one who wears an out-of-date cowboy hat walks.

_HUH?_

Can people here talk SENSE?

All I heard was "holes" and "delinquents".

Awww, man. I need my hearing checked.

--

Ten minutes later, Mr. Sir was standing at the entrance of my tent. I hadn't done much but tie my brown hair into a ponytail and spray myself with deodorant. Over and over, and over... and over again.

Oh, and I had drunk my can of Coke. (Big beam there.)

Meanwhile, I took out my notepad and jotted down some notes of the camp so far. I realised it wasn't all _that_ bad.

"The girl scouts have almost finished for the day," (_finished what?)_ Mr. Sir gruffed at me, as I followed him to where all the other tents were, "Pendanski's here, anyhow."

For the first time, I saw a few figures dressed in orange jumpsuits stalk across the compound. They stopped short and Looked at me. Yes, with a capital L.

Okay, so what if I'm a girl?

I'm beginning to feel quite scared 'cause one of them just winked at me.

AIYEEE! RUN AWAAAAYYYYYYY!

I sped up to catch up with Mr. Sir, who was walking quite fast. He reached one of the grey tents that had a big "D" on it.

D-tent.

MAN, I hate that word!

"Pendanski?" Mr. Sir barked, "The girl is here."

"I have a name," I said angrily. I couldn't help myself this time. Ever since I got to this _pancake_ _of a place,_ I'd been called nothing but "that girl".

Mr. Sir looked at me in surprise. Then he smiled, which was... surprising.

"I know yer've got a name," he paused to spit out yet _another_ sunflower seed, "But it's too dang long."

I know _Andromeda's_ a long name, but that's not my fault! My parents gave me and my sister really prissy names because we're growing up in a prissy place. I mean, honestly. _Cecily and Andromeda_. Cecily's not as bad, but I'd rather any other ordinary name like _Charlotte_ or something.

Actually, _Charlotte__'s_ kinda prissy too...

Yes. The time has arrived for me to shut my trap.

A short man walked out of the tent, carrying a clipboard. He had a straw hat on his head, (even worse than Mr. Sir's cowboy hat!) _a lot_ of sun block on his nose (it looked like someone had smashed a cream pie on his face and he hadn't bothered to clean it off his nose), and socks up to his shins.

Ai yah.

_(NOTE: Needs to employ people with better fashion sense.)_

"Hello!" he said brightly, "I'm Mr. Pendanski, counselor of D-tent! You'll be doing a report on me, I hope you won't write bad things!" He laughed cheerfully.

Oh, this man is amusing! I'm sure we'll be the very best of friends!

"Hi!" I said, just as cheerfully with an overly big smile, "I'm Andromeda, and I'll be inspecting this place! If you'll be nice, then I'll write nice things about you!"

Mr. Sir was rolling his eyes.

_(NOTE: Rude man still does not show signs of respect_.)

Mr. Pendanksi beamed at me, "Well then, I suppose I should be showing you around! You know where you'll be sleeping, right?"

I nodded with exaggerated enthusiasm.

"Good! Well, maybe I should leave one of the boys to show you around. They're rowdy, but very sweet at heart."

Oh, _really_?

"Don't get all softy on her," Mr. Sir growled warningly, "Our duty is to show her what happens everyday so she can observe it."

"I know," Mr. Pendanski said, still cheerily, "Well then, Zero and Theodore are already in the tent. Perhaps you'd like to meet them?"

"Err, yeah. I suppose so," I said uncertainly. _Who would name their child Zero?_

I ducked under the flap (the door) of the tent, following Mr. Pendanski, who's my new best friend. (Big grin there.)

The tent smelt _horrible_. From what I saw when I stole a glance around it, there were seven cots and seven crates. There was a small boy (yes, a very small boy) lying on one of the beds, and a _large_ boy who was... attempting to break-dance on the floor.

"Theodore, Zero! Meet Andromeda, she's the girl sent to inspect the camp!" said my new best friend.

Oh... yay for me?

The boy on the floor stopped break dancing and looked up at me.

"You said her name was?" he asked Mr. Pendanski.

"An-drom-meh-dah."

"Andro- An-drah- what?" the _poor_ boy spluttered.

See how many problems my name has caused?

The small boy with the incredibly fluffy hair was staring at me.

"Err - hi?" I tried.

He looked away, scowling.

Well, _sorry!_

While the black boy on the floor was still struggling with my name, Mr. Pendanski said, "I think I can hear the others coming. Come on, Andromeda."

I followed my _best friend_ out of the tent, and saw a group of boys in orange jumpsuits walking towards me. Then I realised why I hadn't noticed any boys when I got here. They were all so dirty and dusty and out in the desert oh-so-far-away that they simply _blended _in with the background.

RUN AWAY!

"Boys!" Mr. Pendanski called to them, waving.

They all looked at our direction straight ahead and Looked at me.

I'm getting a little sick of that Look.

"WHOA! Who's the chick, Mum!" one of them shouted.

...Chick?

_Chick?_

_CHICK?_

Whatever happened to _DECENT _gentlemen?

Then I remembered how juvenile camps weren't exactly the best place to look for polite young boys.

Remember how I said I live in a PRISSY place? Yeah, well, it's a tiny little suburb just outside of Texas. It's full of rich and successful people whose only problems are their neighbours' gossip. They all try to live it up and compete with each other when it comes to social standing.

Sometimes, I really hate living there. There are parties, banquets and dances thrown, and other stuff for charities. Every house is a mansion and it's right near the shoreline so it's a really nice place. Still... everyone who lives there is a snob.

Including me. But my family are some of the "less-infected" people. Hehe.

So, of course, all the boys in Palmoilin (that's what the prissy place is called) are gentlemanly people... Or so their parents and all the adults _think_. They just torment us girls' lives out. Still, none of them have called me a **_"CHICK"_** before...

Honestly!

I looked at Mr. Pendanski, and then turned to look at the crowd of boys.

"A little rowdy, but softies nonetheless," he reminded me as the boys grew nearer and nearer.

Errr, right.

"Boys, this is Andromeda. You heard they were sending someone to inspect the camp. This is she."

Whoopdeedoo. I'm very glad to meet you all.

_NOT!_

I glanced at them warily. They were all... intimidatingly tall.

Why did I have to be so - _short_?

There was silence.

"What did you say her name was?"

Oh, SHEESH.

_Dear Mum and Dad, PLEASE RENAME ME!_

"Just call me Andii," I said shortly, "It's what everyone calls me at home."

"You coulda told me that!" someone said behind me. I jumped and found Theodore with Zero behind him, at the entrance of the tent, "I've been trying to say it since when Mum told me!"

I rolled my eyes. No offence to them, but... _immature prats_ is my report so far.

Then the introductories began.

X-Ray, Zigzag, Squid, Magnet, Caveman.

_Huh?_

Rex, Ricky, Alan, Jose, Stanley.

..._HUH?_

This sure is confusing.

There was a black boy who had extremely large and thick black glasses. His name was either X-Ray or Rex.

There was a really tall dude with crazy blonde hair. His name was either Zigzag or Ricky.

There was another tall guy with brown hair and brown eyes. His name was either Squid or Alan.

There was a Hispanic boy who spoke Spanish. His name was either Magnet or Jose.

There was the biggest boy of the group there, with brown hair and eyes. His name was either Caveman or Stanley.

The other two I had met before were Theodore (also called 'Armpit') and Zero... whose name could also be... Zero.

_(NOTE: Boys all seem to have two names... highly confusing. Am not sure if this is the camp's fault. But an important note, nonetheless_.)

And sheesh, how dirty were they? _Yuck!_ Ewww! **Gross!**

"So... what's up, chicka?" the Hispanic man named Jose asked me with a charming smile.

I just Looked at him.

"Yo, don't call her that, man," X-Ray/Rex said, sounding like he was rapping or something, "Not till we get to know her better, ain't that right, girl?"

I felt like saying, "Yeah, right on, dawg!"

But... I just nodded.

Sigh.

"Why can't we call her chicka?" Squid/Alan whined. He was the one who had called me the **_"CHICK"_** when yelling to Mr. Pendanski. What an ungentleman!

I glared at him, but he merely grinned back. He was chewing on a toothpick, for crumpet's sake!

(_NOTE: Boys should be supplied with gum.)_

Where's my notepad when I need it?

"Now, Andii will be interviewing each of you," Mr. Pendanski started to say, "One of you for three days. She'll be following you around and asking questions. All of you must answer them - yes, even you, Zero. I understand that it'll be distracting while you dig your holes, so the Warden has requested that you only need to dig a three foot by three hole on the days Andii interviews you."

There were a few "_Aww__, sweet!"s_ and "_Awesome_!"s around the group of boys.

Through all this, I stood there. Feeling like a freak show. It was sooooo hot. I looked up to the sun and began to curse it. _What did I ever do to you, huh? **Huh?**_

"Now, that's about it," Mr. Pendanski said dismissively, "I hope you all treat Andii like she's one of you," (_aww__, I feel so special) _"I'm sure you'll all become terrific friends. I'll see you all at dinner. Oh and Rex, before you take your shower, please show Andii around."

Just what I wanted!

_And now for the grand tour,_ I thought dully as the rest of the boys filed into the tent muttering things like, "See ya 'round" and "Where're you sleeping?"

As if I'm going to tell _them_. Bah, and have them sneaking in at two in the morning?

I think not!

I turned to look at Rex. He was black, rather bulky and muscular with those super-thick black glasses. Actually, I was rather intimidated by him until he smiled, and I relaxed.

Who knows... maybe we could be like, second best friends!

Okay, don't mind me.

"Alright, ready for a wonderful tour around Camp Green Lake?" he asked me, beginning to walk down the compound.

"I guess so, Rex," I said uncertainly.

"Don't call me that, the name's X-Ray," X-Ray said rather roughly. Then his voice dropped back to normal and he continued on, "Now then 'lil gal - " (_'lil gal'?) _" - that's E-tent, and F-tent. F-tent is where Mum and the other counselors sleep. That's C-, B- and A-tent. Weird dudes in them ones. Shower stalls are there - " I looked and saw a large, roofless building, where the walls were raised up six inches from the floor, " - and that's the library."

The "library" was an old shed full of shovels, and it looked like several other people had discarded their shovels on the floor outside of it.

"Ahh, what's with the shovels?" I wanted to know.

X-Ray gave me a sideways glance while we continued to walk, "Don't you know 'lil gal? We dig holes - builds character 'ccording to Mum and Mr. Sir. One hole every day - five foot deep and five foot wide. Boring as, but what can ya do?"

Dance on top of a car and sing nursery rhymes?

"Dig holes?" I gasped, stumbling on a stray bit of dirt and almost falling flat on my face, "Isn't that - _boring_?"

"You betcha 'lil gal. But I've been here for almost a year... I gets used to it," X-Ray looked like he was completely indifferent about it, which I found fascinating.

I mean, who in the name of heavens wants to be stuck out in a scorching pancake digging holes?

"That's the Wreck Room and... that's the Warden's cabin. WHOA, MAN! I have no idea what that orange thing is."

"That's my tent," I explained loftily, not realising my mistake until it was too late.

_NOO! Now they'll be lurking around oh-so-early in the morning._

"_Your_ tent?" X-Ray raised his eyebrows, "Lucky 'lil gal. Guess the Warden's out ta impress ya."

I didn't say anything. I just looked around, "Is this it?"

"Yep, that's Camp Green Lake for ya," X-Ray said, nodding around, "I better get back. See you at dinner?"

I nodded uncertainly.

"Alright then, later 'lil gal."

He grinned at me because he saw my annoyed look. Well, I don't really fancy the nickname _'lil gal._

Who would?

Okay, maybe some weird creatures from outer space, but I am not one of them!

"Consider it a good one," X-Ray said with a grin, as if reading my thoughts, "Better than _Barf Bag,_ ain't it?"

...Well, he was right there.

--

A/N: Okay, due to the BIG response the first chapter got, I decided to post quickly! (beams) Thank you sooo much for reviewing! It was so nice to see all them reviews! (beams again) And to be a real big COOL PERSON, please go and check out my Zero story! It's called My Angel, My Only and it's about Zero's life before and during Holes. Thank you again! - msq.


	3. More Notes: Obscure Dinner

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Three ll More Notes: Obscure Dinner**

--

I was sitting on my airbed with my notebook in front of me. I had a pen positioned in my hand, ready to write, but -

I had no idea _what_ to write.

With a sigh, I put down my notebook and pen and lay back on my airbed. After X-Ray gave me the "grand tour" I went back to my tent, picked out some clothes, took the blue towel from the crate and knocked on the Warden's door.

She answered, looking ready to push someone off the cliff, saw it was me and smiled. I asked her if I could use the bathroom and she responded with a, "Of _course_ you can, dear. It's just over there. Take your time!"

She really is a splendid woman. _Someone's_ getting a good report.

Anyway, after my shower, I thanked her and sat outside of my tent for five minutes to "blow-dry" my hair (with the sun). It really works, even in the late afternoon. It was still so hot. I also earned a lot of stares from boys, which really irritated me. I can almost _see_ them say, "Who's the chick?"

CHICK.

Gah, may that word dig a hole and bury itself.

When my hair was dry, I remembered Mr. Sir's order - err, request, and took out my notebook to write down my view of Camp Green Lake so far.

Too bad I had forgotten everything. You see, this is my page:

_THE INSPECTION OF CAMP GREEN LAKE_

_Notes:_

And that's it.

Sighing again, I tried to remember bit by bit. And finally, I managed to jot down a little bit. It wasn't much, but at least it was _something_ as opposed to _nothing_.

_o- Needs to employ more polite people._  
_o- Needs better buildings and facilities._  
_o- The Warden of the camp seems nice._

I couldn't think of anything else, so I put away my notebook and took out the Very Important sheet the Attorney General himself had given me. It told me everything I needed to do in a month's time. Which was a lot.

_File a report on the Manager of the camp._ (The Warden woman.)  
_File a report on the Assistant Manager._ (Which I'm guessing is Mr. Sir)  
_File a report on one counselor of one group._ (Mr. Pendanski, my best friend!)  
_File a report on all of the boys of one group._ (D-tent delinquents, I suppose.)  
_File an overall report of Camp Green Lake, including the accommodation, food, water etc;_  
_Prepare an oral talk with the Attorney General that you will have after the assigned amount of time (ie; one month)_.

I was beginning to regret coming here at all when there was a voice _directly outside of my tent._

_If that's X-Ray or one of those delinquents, then I'm so going to kill... them!_

"...it's dinner now, so get to the Wreck Room, girlie."

I grit my teeth and forced myself not to throw something at the tent flap.

Discarding my stuff and leaving my tent, I saw Mr. Sir walking towards the Wreck Room.

So I followed.

I entered and saw what I guessed was the cafeteria, which was part of the Wreck Room. All the boys were seated at the seven long tables. I figured they sat with their tent mates.

At my arrival, most of them looked up.

GULP.

I stood there for a little while. Then something hit me.

_All these boys were criminals!_

What the heck had I gotten myself in?

All those boys of D-tent, X-Ray and Magnet and whatnot... they're all criminals! How could I forget?

Sheesh, there's something wrong with me. Honestly.

Now... if these guys are criminals... then I'm in danger. Danger? _Think, Andii, think!_

I'm gonna be murdered in my bed!

_Hey?_

But... they seem sort of nice. Immature prats, yes. But still _sort of_ nice.

So anyway, I had been standing there for about thirty seconds, lost in my thoughts with all these boys staring at me.

"Hey, chicka!" Squid yelled from a table in the corner. I turned and looked at him.

Uh oh.

I felt like running away. Maybe, like, I could have dinner with the Warden or something. A girl to girl dinner. Fun fun!

But Mr. Pendanski bounded up to me like a hyperactive puppy and grabbed my arm, "Hi Andii, had a nice afternoon? Come join us for dinner!"

...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My fate is sealed.

As I was led to the D-tent table, I heard boys murmur, "Hey, who's the chick...?"

I'm beginning to appreciate being called "THE GIRL" now. Perhaps this is my punishment for back chatting to Mr. Sir and telling him that I actually had a name.

"Yo, she's sitting with D-tent..."

"No kidding, man! Why did _they _get the chick?"

Mr. Pendanski dropped me in a seat between Zero and Armpit.

They looked at me.

I looked at the table.

I felt hungry.

I looked at their food.

It looked like an obscure sign of hatred from... Martian Man!

Bwahahahaha.

Oh dearie me. Being confined in this place is making me go crazier than I already am. MUST - RETAIN - SANITY.

"Sooo..." Squid said, dragging the poor wee word into five syllables.

None of the other boys said anything as they shoveled down their Obscure Dinner. It looked so... _disgusting._ I felt nauseated. _Food: on a scale of 1 - 10 -- **negative 5000000000.**_

"Yo, 'lil gal, aren' chu gonna get your dinner or somethin'?" the one they call Armpit (who smells like a dog) asked me.

"Fine," I muttered, automatically standing up. I walked over to the kitchen-y sort of place and got a tray, a plate, a fork and a knife.

Oh, wonderful.

I slowly walked over to the serving area, and slowly slid my tray across the metal bar, hoping that everyone would notice my slowness because I was betting it would be important of my personality, as I was, as they call it, a **_"CHICK"_**.

The older boy serving the Obscure Casserole (one of the many _delightful_ things you can order with the Obscure Dinner Package!) was about to ladle the obscurity onto my innocent white plate, when he stopped short and looked at me.

After three seconds of nothing attacking my plate, I looked at him.

He was still gawping at me.

I quirked an eyebrow.

"You're..." he whispered, looking at me with wide eyes.

Oh, no. At that moment, I was reminded of those scenes in movies, where best friend boy _finally_ notices his best friend girl after forty-minutes of useless movie scenes, and he just looks at her and says, "You're... beautiful." And then best friend girl also looks at him and is like, "You're... so... HOTT!" And then they kiss and live happily ever after.

I'm betting this wasn't about to happen to me.

So anyway, the boy in charge of the Obscure Casserole was _still_ staring at me, open-mouthed. I was debating in my mind whether to move onto the soup or continue to wait another five seconds before leaving. But at that moment, he finished his mid-sentence.

"...a girl."

Mmmhmm.

"You don't say, _Blockbuster_," I muttered. Okay, this time, I couldn't help myself. I mean, _honestly_! Does it really take ten seconds of staring as if you're looking at an octopus with fifty legs to register the fact that _I'm a girl?_

Overall, these boys seem to have massive amounts of trouble accepting the fact that I'm a girl. (_NOTE: Boys have been deprived of feminine company for quite some time. Good or bad?)_

"Give her the food already, moron!" one of the boys from the D Group yelled.

Precisely what I was thinking.

Mr. Casserole Man snapped out of his reverie and attacked my plate with the... stuff. I nodded slowly, and moved on. By the time I had reached the end of line, I drew in a deep breath. It had been a grueling experience.

And I am _not_ exaggerating.

I turned back around (slowly of course) and glanced around the dining hall, a joint part of the kitchen and Wreck Room. Most of the boys had subsided in staring at me, but I could still see them sneaking occasional glances.

I looked over to where I had been originally sitting and felt my heart sink. Maybe I could switch groups or something.

Actually, forget that. _I wanted to leave this place!_

Sighing, I reluctantly and _slowly_ walked back to the Group D table and sat down in my seat.

"Can I have your bread, 'lil gal? You're not gonna be diggin' holes, are ya? You don't need the bread," X-Ray proclaimed for me.

I glanced down at my tray as he reached over to take my slice of white bread. It was about the only distinguishable thing on my tray, so I snatched the bread back, but was too late.

"Noooo! I want my bread, I WANT IT!" I wailed, trying to get it back.

Whining is the _best_ technique. It even works on Cecily! (My four-year-old sister.)

X-Ray raised his eyebrows, then sighed and tossed me the bread back so that it hit me smack in the face, " 'Lil gals always have to have their way."

That's right, macho man!

The bread slid down onto my plate to reveal my sulking and crumb-covered face. Most of the boys were laughing their heads off. Squid reached over, grinning, and brushed the crumbs off of my face.

" 'Lil girls gotta be clean," he informed me soberly.

Hem, I have a feeling that one day, I will grow up and throw these boys into JAIL! BWAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait, they're already at a juvenile camp.

So I stuffed my face with the piece of bread and chewed angrily, scowling at them all. Okay, so what if I act childish? I betcha everyone does. _Right?_

They began to talk about holes and cameras and microphones and (bless my soul) _coffee beans,_ and I was quite content to just tune out and chew conspicuously on my slice of bread. Zero also didn't have a say in anything. He was sitting right there, beside me, eating his Obscure Dinner almost robotically, as if he couldn't taste the attempted food-poisoning in the Obscure Casserole.

My, my.

I think I'm obsessed with the word "obscure".

"So then, 'lil girl," the crazy blonde dude known as Zigzag said to me when I had almost finished eating my bread, "Mum said you're gonna interview us. Who of us s'going first?"

"Oooh, pick me! Me!" Squid said in exaggerated enthusiasm, jumping up and down with his arm thrust into the air.

I shot him a look, "You're definitely going last."

He pretended to pout. Even his brown hair seemed to wilt in his supposed disappointment. It would almost be comical if we were in different circumstances.

The others laughed, except Zero. (Of course.)

With a little woeful sigh, I lowered my spoon, scooped some food, squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to have a bite.

..._Chew_.

_Chew._

_Chew._

_Chew._

That wasn't so bad.

"So, who _is_ going to get interviewed first?" the slightly overweight boy we know as Caveman wanted to know.

I shrugged while shoveling down another spoonful of the casserole. It tasted like beans, carrots, beef, gravy and potato all mashed together.

"Don't put so much pressure on the 'lil girl," Squid said, grinning, "We can arrange the order ourselves, and let her puny brain rest, right?"

_They're seriously taking this " 'lil girl" thing too far._

I mean, c'mon, I turn fourteen in a couple of days, and from what I know, the oldest in D-tent is only sixteen. And how would they know my age, anyway?

_I expect it's your lack of inches, dearie._

Hmph.

"Yo, interview us in the order we line up for the water truck," X-Ray told me.

Whatever that meant, I didn't get it.

Seeing the confused look on my face, he added, "It goes me, Zig, Pit, Squid, Mag, Caveman and Zero."

"Okay, but Squid-boy's going last," I said, smiling disparagingly at Squid, who pouted yet again.

"Aw, man, how long's gonna take you to in-ter-veiw us?" Armpit wanted to know.

"Uhhhh, well, Mr. Pendanski - "

"_Mum_," Squid and Armpit said sharply.

" - _Mum_ said it's gonna take me three days for each of you, and there's seven of you, so - " I started to say.

"Twenty-one days," said a quiet voice beside me.

AHHHH IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE BRADY BUNCH!

Then I realised it had been Zero talking. Man, is that boy little. We both happen to be within an inch of each other's height, with me being the TALLER one.

Yes. I'm quite proud.

"Twenty-one days," I repeated, giving Zero a long, hard look. How had he figured it in a nanasecond? He merely glanced at me, then resumed eating.

"Whoa man, you made Zero talk," Zigzag said, looking amazed. In fact, the whole table had paused eating to stare at me and Zero as if we were freak shows or something. I'm not sure if Zero was too, but I was certainly getting used to all the staring and Looks. Being the only teenage girl for miles is clearly something fascinating for the boys. How... bad_._

I wanted to leave.

LEAVE THESE DELINQUENTS, I SAY. BWAHAHAHAHA.

Momentary _moment_ of insanity has passed.

"Yeah, the only dude who's done before that is the Caveman," X-Ray said, still on the subject of Zero speaking.

I looked at Zero, "You should really talk more, it seems entertaining for these de - _boys_."

He didn't seem to have noticed me, but I could see a small smile tugging the corner of his mouth.

"Anyway, chicka," Magnet said, attacking his casserole with his fork (he didn't seem refined to calling me " 'lil gal"), "How long you staying?"

"A month," I sighed, thinking how elongated one month had suddenly become.

"Lucky," Caveman said grimly, poking at his Obscure Casserole, "I've been here for a month. Another seventeen to go."

The others murmured a disgruntled agreement.

"Lighten up, if I say horrible things about this place then you'll all be home free. Though I'm not sure if that's a good thing," I said without thinking.

There was a sudden gleam in Squid and Magnet's eyes that made me feel uneasy. Really uneasy.

"So, like, if we give you a really sh - "

"_You cannot swear in front of a little girl!_" Squid said loudly. I rolled my eyes at him, and he simply responded with a, "Just protecting your innocence, your majesty."

Magnet took a second to recollect himself, "Ah, yeah, sorry 'bout that. Anyway, so if we give you a really _bad_ impression of us, then this place gets closed down, right?"

"...Not really, depends on the impression the actual camp gives me," I said slowly, then added with a smirk, "And so far, it's not a good one."

They all seemed happy at that.

"However," I said loudly, "If this place gets closed down, you'll probably be thrown into jail."

Aaaand this reporter reports that... all their faces fell.

"You just ruined all my dreams, chicka," Magnet moaned.

_(NOTE: Boys do seem to have a future planned.)_

"Your dream is to train animals," Squid said pointedly.

"Yeah, so? Still more than what you got."

Squid shut up.

_(CANCEL NOTE BEFORE.)_

"What are you gonna ask us, 'lil gal?" X-Ray asked me while pegging a piece of dismantled carrot at Magnet.

I tried to remember what the piece of paper had told me, "Uhh... why you got sentenced here, how you like it here, what you do everyday - dig holes, I guess - and a bit about your past," I paused and realised how invading that would be, and quickly added, "Actually, forget the last part. I won't ask about your past."

But X-Ray waved it off, "No, we'll tell you. Won't we?"

All of them nodded, except for Zero who had his head bent down.

"Okay then..." I said slowly, swallowing another part of my dinner, "D'you mind giving me a quick review now? All of you? Otherwise it'll take ages for me to understand your complicated lives."

Okay, so what if I'm a smart student? I have a pretty dodgy way of understanding things, and like my friends say, I am kind of _slow_.

"Sure, chicka," Armpit said indifferently.

"Me first," Zigzag said as if he was a little kid fighting for a chocolate chip cookie.

"Alright then," I said uncertainly, then choked on a stray pea that had made its way in my throat.

Yes, I know perfectly well food travels through your throat when you swallow it - and _yes_, I know therefore it means it didn't make their way there by itself - _I know..._

Shut up!

I kept on hiccoughing, and I heard Squid say, "Aww, didn't they cut the food in bite-size pieces for you, 'lil girl?"

I glared and was ready to throw a pea at him when Zigzag said, "Ahem." He was clearly impatient.

"Yes, dear, go on?" I said in an exaggerated British accent.

Zigzag stared at me and began to hiccough. See? It's not just me having trouble with those pesky peas.

_(NOTE: Camp kitchens should acquire smaller, more-swallowable food.)_

"What did you call him?" Armpit asked me in amazement as he thumped Zigzag on the back. (It's amazing how I've memorised all their "names".)

I raised an eyebrow, "What, did I give him a seizure or something?"

X-Ray shook his head, "If you've been here long enough, you wouldn't expect anyone to call you "dear"."

With that, Zigzag choked again.

Squid just Looked at him, "You alright there, Ziggy? _Dear_?"

Zigzag made a gagging noise and his head thumped onto the table, causing the trays to all jump.

"Dear?" Magnet tried with a grin.

More choking noises. I realised I was never going to get Zigzag talking with all these delinquents calling him 'dear'. What had I done?

"Dear?"

"Dear!"

"Oh, Ziggy, dear."

"Wanna cookie, dear?"

I think Zigzag was about to die.

"You guys, _be quiet_!" I yelled at the delinquents, "No one say dea - _that word_ again."

And they all did shut their mouths up. Little girls have power! Bwahahahaha.

It took Zigzag approximately three minutes and forty-one seconds to calm down.

"Okay, _boy_, start talking," I ordered as soon as he was capable of speech.

Zigzag coughed one last time, "Okay, okay... Well, my mum was a drunk because my dad beat her up all the time."

Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't _that._

"Um, okay... why is that?" I said, trying to overcome my shock because no one else seemed the slightest bit fathomed.

Zigzag shrugged, "Dad just beat her up - and mum drank to escape from the pain."

Okay, that really shocked me as well. I mean, beating up people? And getting drunk is practically illegal in Palmoilin, so that horrified me quite a bit as well.

"Continue..." I said slowly.

Zigzag shrugged again, "My dad left when I was nine, I think. He was an alcoholic before and he always beat my mum up 'cos of problems at work or whatever. Money was tight in my household."

Money has never been a problem for my family, obviously. We always have plenty of it.

"After he left, mum started to take out everything on me. She was into drugs and booze, and she was never around. We didn't have much money and it was hard to find food. When we did have a bit of money, she would spend it on herself," Zigzag said indifferently, as if it brought no emotion to him.

"That's pretty stupid and careless of her," I couldn't help saying.

Zigzag glared at me, "Hey, it's not like she could help it. How would you feel if your husband beat you up all the time?"

"I wouldn't marry such a person," I said loftily.

"You think she _chose_ him like he was? He just turned into an abusive man afterwards!" he exclaimed heatedly, looking ticked off.

"Why didn't she move out or something?" I wanted to know.

"Where else could we go?" Zigzag grumbled.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't have enough money for _that_," I said before I could stop myself. All right, you probably think I'm a stuck-up snob. But I truly found it hard to believe his mother didn't have enough money just to move out.

That's what happens to you when you live all your lifetime in Palmoilin. You just don't discover how horrible the real world is.

All the boys were glaring at me. Even Zero seemed to give me a sort of evil look.

Gulp.

"No, we didn't have money for _that_," Zigzag spat. I should've been scared, but I wasn't. I honestly had no idea what I had done or said wrong.

"Or at least family or friends to move in with - " I continued pressingly.

"Not everyone has family," little Zero spoke quietly.

"Or friends," Zigzag said, trying to keep his voice low.

"Well then, your parents were a bit stupid."

Okay, I didn't mean to say that. It just slipped out. I was so confused and quite annoyed. I just didn't understand why Zigzag was so protective of his mother when she did so many horrible things.

"You - " he said furiously, standing up.

X-Ray and Squid immediately jumped up on either side of him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Be cool, man," X-Ray said.

"And you, 'lil girl," Squid said to me, "Weren't you trained not to say anything if it wasn't nice?"

I scowled as Zigzag sank back down, still glaring at me.

"I just don't believe anyone could be so horribly - confused," I murmured.

"Welcome to the real world," X-Ray said condescendingly. "Where've you been if you didn't notice that?"

Well, time to come clean.

"Palmoilin," I muttered.

"Diamondville?" Armpit scoffed, "Where the dogs prance around in ribbons and bow ties?"

Let me explain something. Palmoilin to other people is often referred as "Diamondville".

"No wonder you act how you do," Magnet said, looking suddenly disgusted.

That made me boil. It was like they were all turning against me just because I came from that place!

"Diamondville..." Zigzag murmured. He had a smirk on his face, "Where everyone thinks they own the world. Get bent."

"Not everyone there is like that," I hissed at him. He had no right to say such a thing!

"Oh yeah? You haven't got us convinced," X-Ray said, raising his eyebrows.

Magnet nodded, "Thought you were too _weird_ to be a regular chick. This explains a lot."

Well, that was harsh. So far, only Zero, Caveman and Squid hadn't made any snide remarks about my coming from Palmoilin. Caveman and Zero never spoke much, anyway, so I was waiting for Squid to say something.

But he didn't. He was looking down at the table.

"Admit it," Armpit sneered, "You think you're better than us, right? Just like all them snobs in Diamondville. All the same, them. Look down their nose at us just 'cause we don't wear pointy shoes and diamond studded underwear."

And at that moment, I was beginning to realise how much people hated Palmoilin. I thought we were appreciated.

But evidently, that wasn't the case.

I just looked at them, furiously biting on my tongue.

"Admit you think you're better than us," Zigzag taunted disparagingly.

Usually, I don't oblige to such actions. But I was so angry and blinded by fury at that moment, and anyone's better than these delinquents, anyway. Juvenile delinquents where the parents beat them up.

So I held my head up high and said, "Of course I do."

They all jeered at me, but I didn't care one bit. Not then. I thought I could learn to like and get along with them, but I was wrong. Very wrong. I realised why they were in this juvenile camp. Because they're nasty people and they deserve to be here.

And someone like _me_ shouldn't associate with them. I stood up to leave. I began to stride out of the Wreck Room, and heard Zigzag sneer behind me.

"Yeah, that's right, princess. Leave and never return. Run away from every _horrible little_ problem you face. That's what all the Diamondville snobs do. Never stick up to a challenge. Always hide behind their big stacks of money."

I bit my lip furiously. We _"always hide behind their big stacks of money"_ do we? We _"never stick up to a challenge"_ do we?

I practically ran back to my tent. I had been seriously considering asking the Warden to make me switch groups as soon as all the delinquents began to taunt me about living in Palmoilin.

But Zigzag's words made my blood seriously boil.

I wasn't going to give up. I was going to _cream him_ and all his stupid friends. I'll show them who's boss.

_You're going down,_ I thought angrily as I lay down on my airbed, _All__ of you._

--

A/N: You don't how hard it was to write the fight between Andii and Zigzag. I tried making it funny, but it was too hard. Yes, Andii is being a stuck-up cow but it's part of her character. She will change - it's part of the story. Oh, it didn't really occur to me before, but there will be a bit of a romance between Andii and one of the boys. Cookies to who can guess which boy!

Oh, by the way, a lot of people seem to know why the boys got sentenced to Camp Green Lake, and a bit about their past and everything. Like how Magnet's pocket started barking and Squid's father apparently said he'd get ice cream but never came back. Can anyone tell me where you found out all this info? Was it in the movie? I only saw it once in English class... And I don't pay much attention to small things, lol. If you could tell me, please say so in one of your lovely reviews or you can email me. Thanks! (I need the information 'cause I want to get it accurate when Andii interviews them.) - msq.


	4. Interviewing: X RAY

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Four ll Interviewing: X-RAY**

--

I woke up feeling like the residue stuck on toilet bowls when they haven't been flushed. It had been a pretty restless night. Sure, my airbed was comfortable, and it was nice and cool in my tent, but I was still fuming with anger over the "argument" last night.

Staring up at the top of my tent, I realised it was still very dark. Possibly midnight. I turned on my side and tried to fall back asleep again.

It didn't work.

So I tried a new tactic.

I tried to hypnotise myself.

And no, I am not insane. Have you been talking to my friends? Ah - never listen to what they say. _They_ are insane.

_You are very, very sleepy..._ I told myself, _Uh, I mean; I am very, very sleepy..._

No, I'm not.

_Yes I am._

No, I'm not.

_...Alright listen up, Blockbuster, you're deadly sleepy and you better obey my command. SLEEP! SLEEEEP!_

Why am I arguing with my conscience?

So I tried _another _tactic. Counting sheep!

I should've known this wouldn't work because I was (still) so angry, that all the sheep ran into each other furiously that it made it hard to count.

Oh, typical.

I was going to try another tactic when I saw a beam of light shining on the outside of my tent.

AHHH RAPISTS AND STALKERS ARE OUT TO KILL ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I immediately jerked up and pushed my blanket off. Then I grabbed my hairbrush and deodorant as weapons.

Come and get me, Van Helsing!

Don't mind me.

_(NOTE: Camp is not safe enough!)_

Someone spoke right outside of my tent, and I jumped a mile.

"This is your wake-up call, Mum told me to wake you up so don't come after my blood because I certainly didn't want to do this. Hello? 'LIL GIRL!"

..._This_ is my wake-up call?

I unzipped the flaps and leapt out of my tent. I stumbled out and almost fell onto Squid, who was standing there, already dressed for the day.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped angrily, glaring at him. He was in his usual orange jumpsuit with a towel wrapped around his head. Yes, a towel wrapped around his head. And a tan cap (with two blue stripes) on top.

"Wake-up call, 'lil girl," Squid said indifferently. It looked like it was killing him to speak to me. I suppose he, too, hadn't forgotten our big group disagreement last night.

"It's still dark!" I yelled, waving at the dark sky.

"IT'S 4:30 IN THE MORNING!" Squid yelled back, directing the flashlight towards the Wreck Room, where many boys were already heading towards.

"I DON'T CARE. IT'S STILL NIGHT TIME!" I hollered, grabbing his flashlight and directing it at the tents.

Squid snatched it back and aimed it at the Wreck Room again, "MORNING!"

"NIGHT!"

"MORNING!"

"NIGHT!"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT 'LIL GIRL. _Enough_ of this trash. You've got to wake up now, and you already have, so get yourself to the dining hall for breakfast," and with that, the one they call Squid had stalked off.

Well, _that_ had been interesting.

Grimacing, I got ready for the day. But honestly, four-thirty in the morning?

They really are exercising cruelty over these boys.

I grabbed my denim backpack just as I was about to leave for the Wreck Room, and checked that I had my notebook and pens in it, along with the sheet the AG had given me. I had to start interviewing the boys today.

As I thought that, I remembered back to how all the delinquents had bagged Palmoilin, and I sighed.

I suppose regular citizens wouldn't hate the place so much if it weren't for the incident a decade ago. I mean, I know we're all pretty snobby about ourselves, but then again, you'll find snobs all over the country.

So what was that incident a decade ago? Well, I guess it begins with the tale of a lovely, respectable Palmoilin boy called James. He belonged to the richest of the richest. His parents were like King and Queen. This was many, many, _many_ years ago.

Like many rich brats (pardon me), he was obviously expected to get married to some lovely, respectable girl who would help out in charities, keep house, raise the kids and the whole package. His parents and the whole town expected it. But ironically (yeah, right), he married an outsider. This outsider was your typical rebellious teenage girl; all into drugs and alcohol. She moved into Palmoilin to live with her aunt after her parents chucked her out.

This girl proved herself to be a worthy citizen (though it took _centuries_ for everyone to accept her) soon enough, and she and James got married and had a baby. Only when the little boy was three, his mum got mixed up with alcohol and drugs again, and over-indulged. I heard (from eavesdropping on my parents when they were chatting to the neighbours they absolutely _hate_ but are nice to) that she was constantly blaming her son for her miserable life, but I'm not too sure. All I know is that she did some pretty awful stuff and James didn't know a thing about it. Workaholic, I guess. His poor son.

In the end, the town booted them out. Banished James, his evil wife and their three-year-old son. Toodle-loo, farewell, adios. I heard it gave the place a pretty bad name, though. I mean, _banishing_ a person? That's pretty harsh. I also heard that many outsiders just began to _hate_ dear Palmoilin because of that. And of course, they had other reasons to hate us too.

Snobs. Stuck up. Rich brats. And other things I shall not mention.

But it was harsh and terrible, even I had to admit that. Kick out the mother, sure, but James and that little boy didn't do anything wrong. His grandparents are still searching for their son and their beloved grandson, but there hadn't been a trace of them since they left Palmoilin. Oh well… it was ages ago. I think I was a year old when it happened.

And I'm not letting that story hold me down from waging war against Zigzag and those delinquents.

I suppose it's kind of mean of me to call them delinquents, but I don't know what else to call them.

I ran out of my tent and walked towards the Wreck Room. I stepped into the dining hall and it immediately quietened down at my presence. Ahhh, this is getting annoying. Really annoying.

A little smugly, I made my way over to the D-tent table. I could see that they were surprised I hadn't asked the Warden woman to switch groups. At any rate, I could see they were surprised that I hadn't packed my bag and left Camp-No-Lake.

Without saying anything, I sat down in my spot at the table and realised I hadn't gotten my breakfast.

Whoo, way to go Andii.

"You're forgetting something," Magnet said timidly, after a few moments silence. I realised what a heavy Mexican accent he had.

"I'm not hungry," I said scathingly, even though my stomach was rumbling. I dared to glance at Zigzag, but he was busy scoffing down his cereal.

The boys didn't even talk to each other while I sat there solidly. It was like this for the next five minutes, until X-Ray finally broke the silence.

"Listen, 'lil gal - " he started in exasperation.

"Save it, I'm not listening," I said haughtily, checking my nails.

X-Ray sighed and glanced at the other boys; a glance that told me plainly I was acting the way they had been expecting. Had they been talking about me? How rude!

"Alright, just listen," he said gruffly, "I'm sorry for the way I acted last night," (_yeah right_) "It was rude the way I... acted."

Mmmhmm.

_He's apologising to me, I know he is!_

And what should I say? THINK, BRAIN, THINK.

"Why the sudden change?" I blurted out.

X-Ray paused, then said, "It not only me who's gonna 'pologise, 'lil gal. We all gotta, 'cept I'm going first 'cause you're interviewing me today, right?"

...And what is the poor, dear boy trying to _say_?

"Are you saying someone is _forcing_ you?" I said in disbelief.

"Nope, but they gave us a general idea on why we should 'pologise. C'mon 'lil gal, you've gotta be trained to accept 'pologies."

Errr, right. I looked around the table, trying to figure out _what in cake's name was going on._ Who was making them apologise? Though I could tell X-Ray was sincere, I knew someone had to implant the idea in his thick (no offence) head.

"Um, okay? I accept your apology," I said, still rather confused.

"Good 'lil gal. Righ' then. Eat your breakfast," X-Ray ordered.

...I am still very, very confused. Who had made them apologise? Definitely not Zigzag, or the others who had had a "say" when I mentioned the evil word Pal - oh, I mustn't say it! All heavens and hell shall be damned if I say that cursed word.

Which left only Zero, Caveman and Squid.

Zero - well, no. He seems like a nice kid and all, but _way_ too quiet. I mean, sheesh. It's like he doesn't exist. He just sits there and eats. Doesn't show any expression when he hears the other delinquents or anything. If he can't even answer one of X-Ray or Armpit's questions, then it's very unlikely he'd threaten the others (who are like, triple the size of him) to apologise to me.

Caveman? I get the vibe that he hasn't exactly been accepted into the group yet. Which might explain why he doesn't talk too much with the others. But he always joins in with the emotions -- y'know, angry expressions and laughing when something funny is mentioned. Therefore, he can't have been the one to make them apologise.

And Squid. Well, we all saw how he acted when he gave me that wake-up call. (SHUDDER) And it's obvious he's not entirely happy with me, (I mean, honestly, he had the _most terrible _wake-up call ever) so I can hardly imagine him telling them to apologise to me.

Which leaves... no one.

And I am, once again, stumped.

Only X-Ray could be bothered to look at me. All the others were sneaking glances. I suppose that'd change once all of them "apologises". Though Zero and Caveman have nothing to apologise for. And yes, Squid _must_ apologise. In fact, he has the biggest reason to apologise.

THAT STUPID WAKE-UP CALL!

I think I'll get him a book on "How To Make Successful Wake-Up Calls" for Christmas. Not that I'd be here for Christmas, or that I'd get him anything, but...

Okay, I think you get the point.

"Get some breakfast," Armpit grumbled at me, making me jump.

"But - "

"You _are_ hungry, and you know it," Squid mumbled. He had his head down and he was obviously avoiding looking at me. Too ashamed to meet my eyes after that morning greeting, hey?

Then he did something surprising. He slid his tray of cereal and orange juice, which he hadn't touched, over to me. Zigzag dropped his spoon with a clatter and stared at him, open-mouthed.

Squid caught his look and quickly dropped his head onto the table with a loud bang.

"OW! Shoot, man," came his muffled whine.

Zigzag was still staring at him. Then he shook his head and picked up his spoon. And ate his cereal furiously, glaring at me occasionally.

What have _I_ done?

Zero and Caveman were staring at me intently.

Armpit was humming some sort of Obscure Rap Song.

Magnet kept shooting looks at me; not looks of evil, evil, utmost loathing, but of expectancy.

X-Ray seemed quite relaxed.

"Okay, _what_ is going on?" I finally asked, exasperated.

X-Ray pushed his empty cereal bowl away, "You have a bit of apologising to do, too, 'lil gal. To Ziggy, 'specially. If you 'pologise now, then every one of us will too and that'd save a lot of time and awkwardness in the future."

What an _intellectual _answer.

But I knew he was right. Tch, I just hate it when other people are right.

The boys stopped eating again and looked up to me. Again. All but Zigzag, who seemed determined to ignore me, and Squid, who I fear had received a concussion.

Here we go. Operation apologise to Zigzag commences.

"Alright - Zigzag?" I murmured.

He flicked his head up to indicate his listening.

...Eye-contact, boy! Sheesh, how _rude._ Mum would be appalled if she found out what sort of people I'm up against.

"Okay," I racked my brains for a dashing apology, but all I received was the usual tosspot. Curse you, brain, "I'm sorry for what I said yesterday - I just blurted it out because I'm just like that. It was - _mean_ of me. I shouldn't have said it - _and will you please listen to me because I'm never apologising to you again _- and I hope you will forgive me. Um, yeah."

I paused, then added, "And I don't actually think I'm better than you."

Silence.

I stole a glance around the table and saw Armpit and X-Ray mock-applaud, though not actually clapping their hands together. I rolled my eyes.

Finally, Zigzag nodded, but he still looked rather tense. He resumed eating. What, is cereal more important than me?

I glanced down at Squid's breakfast. Then I glanced at Squid himself, who still had his head on the table.

These... boys.

"Zigzag!" I yelled suddenly, causing Caveman and Armpit to slop milk all over themselves, "_Smile._"

Finally, the odd boy put his spoon down and looked at me, "Why?" he asked gruffly.

"Because of..." I grabbed my backpack and pulled out something, "This!"

_CLICK._

I had taken a photo.

Zigzag's eyes widened in shock. I smiled smugly.

I am so _brilliant._

Yeah, my dearest mother had told me enthusiastically to bring my thousand dollar camera. I don't know why. I told her I didn't fancy taking photos of criminal boys, but she just beamed and said they'd make good photos in the Tourist Album.

"Whoa, chicka, what the heck is that crazy-macho-beast-of-a-device-thingo?" Magnet gasped, looking like he was suffering from a premature heart attack.

I glanced down at my camera.

"Umm... a camera?" I tried.

"You took a _photo_ of me?" Zigzag said, still astounded.

I rolled my eyes, "Yes, _dear_."

Oops. Mistake.

Squid immediately lifted his head and fell off his seat, scrambling onto the floor. Zigzag was choking again. Armpit found it necessary to belt out loudly, "Whaa heee chingy, man!" Zero looked like he was biting the insides of his mouth. Caveman now had _his_ head on the table. X-Ray was sighing and rolling his eyes. Magnet was talking in Spanish at a rapid pace.

The other boys from other tents were staring at us.

Oh, dearie me. I am never saying that word again. But at least it looked like I had patched things up for the time being. So... I smiled.

"Alright you girl scouts, slack-off time is over. C'mon!" Mr. Sir barked at us all.

I began to complain, "But I haven't eaten my breakfast!"

Squid's head appeared over the top of the table, "More like _my_ breakfast."

"Mr. SIRRRRRRR!" I yelled, grabbing my spoon and banging it onto the wooden table.

"Oi, 'lil gal - " X-Ray started nervously.

"What's your problem, girlie?" Mr. Sir barked at me. Remember: the dog blood!

"I'm _hungry_," I told him innocently. Squid and Zigzag's mouths dropped open at my expression. I guess they can't pull off that kind of stunt.

"Didn't you have breakfast?" Mr. Sir demanded of me, while all the other groups trooped out of the Mess Hall like soldiers. Well, not really.

"I was busy!" I whined.

"With what?"

"Taking photos!"

Mr. Sir just Looked at me. He clearly thought I had lost my mind.

"Err - we'll be at the library, sir," X-Ray said timidly, obviously not wanting to witness this wonderful scene.

Those _delinquents_ all left me by myself with Magnet murmuring to me, "Can I have some of your food, chicka?"

Mr. Sir glanced at the tray of cereal and orange juice on the table, "Why didn't you eat that?"

I also looked at the food, "That was Squid's."

"Eat it."

Listen, you may be a dog but _I am not accustomed to eating other people's food!_

Luckily, I didn't say that out loud. Although I had been close to.

Very close.

Grumbling, I slammed back down on the bench and dragged the tray over. I was about to have a spoonful of cereal when the horrible sour milk smell came to my nose.

"Para el amor del...!" I yelped, having a temporary Spanish moment, "That's _disgusting_. I'm not having breakfast!"

Then I grabbed the pint carton of orange juice and downed it, hoping for the best. It tasted like... orange juice?

Mr. Sir was still waiting for me. "Done yet, girlie?"

"Sir, yes, sir," I drawled before I could stop myself. I didn't notice the awed look on his face as I stood up and picked up my denim backpack, "Okay, I'm ready to go."

"Righ' then," he growled (dog blood's fault, dog blood's fault), "Yeh got in mind who yeh interviewin' today?"

I nodded as I followed him out of the Wreck Room, "X-Ray."

Mr. Sir was walking towards the "library" and he snorted (pig blood, pig blood!). Taken aback, I almost stumbled over my jeans again. Yes, I'm wearing jeans. Do not ask me why.

"Oi, chicka, you gonna dig?" Magnet yelled, holding up a shovel towards me.

"YO, WHERE THE COW'S NEST - " X-Ray roared furiously.

"Cow's nest?" I heard Zigzag repeat perplexedly.

" - IS MY SHOVEL!" X-Ray finished thundering.

How can he tell them apart? I mean, yeah sure, at pre-school you have your little Thomas the Tank Engine lunchboxes labelled clearly with your name, but _shovels_?

"Hurry up, girl scouts!" Mr. Sir yelled at them, "Ain't got all day. X-Ray, only required to dig three feet hole today, right?"

"Sure, sure," I heard X-Ray murmur, "If I can find my SHOVEL. MAGNET!"

"Sorry, sorry," Magnet babbled, tossing the aforementioned shovel he had offered to me to X-Ray.

I pulled open my backpack, took out a notebook with a plastic clear blue cover and a special ballpoint pen. Underneath the three notes I had scribbled before, I wrote in big bold letters:

**RANDOM NOTES ON X-RAY.**

Then I pulled out a sheet the AG had photocopied for me. Across the top was "**JUVENILE BOYS OF CAMP GREEN LAKE - REPORT**" and underneath was a sort of form that I was supposed to fill out about the boys (delinquents).

X-Ray eyed me as I followed D-tent group towards where Mr. Sir was leading them. I could see other groups walking in other directions, too. All carrying shovels, all wearing assorted bandannas, hats, _towels_ on their heads (sun protection?) and all strapped down with canteens full of water.

Digging holes. One hole every day, I remembered X-Ray saying.

How _boring _could ya get?

Then a sudden sensation plummeted my body. For a moment, I thought a bird had perhaps lost its way. Then I realised Mr. Sir had shoved a huge blue plastic bottle into my stomach.

Ahh... **_OUCH?_**

Gasping, I grabbed onto it and tried to catch my breath.

"That's your water bottle, girlie. It'll get refilled every time the water truck comes 'long," Mr. Let's-Kill-Innocent-Girls grunted.

Then he strode off and began to bark off orders to the digging delinquents.

I glanced at the bottle. Stylish and retro. Just like everything else the camp (or rather, the Warden woman) had provided for me so far. Except for the food. It's definitely creative, though.

It was still really dark; in fact, I could see the stars.

I tried glaring at Squid but couldn't find him. Morning my behind!

Why did they have to get up so early? Are they all morning people? Is that even _possible?_

"GIRLIE!" Mr. Sir screamed at me, "GET - INTERVIEWIN'!"

No need to get your pissy pants on!

I quickened my pace and found X-Ray shoving his shovel in the ground. I plopped onto the dirt near him, then shrieked and leapt up.

MY BEST JEANS ARE RUINED.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID -

"Hey, are you okay there?" X-Ray asked me blankly. I wondered why he was looking at me like that. Maybe because I was spanking myself to get rid of the dirt.

"No," I mourned, "My mum's going to kill me. These jeans cost almost two hundred dollars!"

His eyes almost popped out of his head, "What the? What are they, diamond-studded?"

I sighed and shook my head to dismiss the subject.

"What I think she's trying to say is," Caveman, who was seven feet away, spoke up. "She's not going to sit on the dirt."

Thank you, Sherlock Holmes!

Magnet overheard his remark. In fact, I think the whole group was listening. Even Mr. Sir had his little ears pricked up. I can see Group A-B-C-E straining to listen. What is so hidely-ho-diddly fascinating?

"Poor chicka," Magnet sighed, "Perhaps you'd like to sit on my bandanna?"

He untied the blue thing on his head and chucked it at me.

Ewwwww.

"No way, Mag, your head'll catch fire," Squid joked. He took off his hat and took off his tea towel. Okay, so maybe it's a little too big for a tea towel. But still... it's a tea towel.

He hurled it at me and I screamed and ducked in order not to get smacked in the face by the disgusting, dirt-smeared, Squid-sweated _thing_.

Grinning, Squid slapped his cap back on and began to dig. The boys shrugged their shoulders and followed suit. Magnet yelled, "Hey... chicka? Can I have my bandanna back?"

"Of course, dear," I said sarcastically, bending down and picking it up as if it was a bomb. Then I threw it in a very girl-who-is-afraid-of-the-ball-or-in-this-case-a-bandanna way.

The Hispanic man grinned and saluted me.

"INTERVIEW X-RAY, GIRLIE!" Mr. Sir screeched suddenly, giving me a premature heart attack. (Banshee blood!)

I had the urge to yell, "WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE, YOU EVIL LITTLE MAN OF HORRORS?"

But my mother did not raise me in that way. (Big beam there.)

"Okay, okay… Right, X-Ray. What's your name?"

"X-Ray," he mumbled, tossing a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder.

"Aw, c'mon, you know what I mean," I coaxed, wanting to sit down but not wanting to. I glanced at the towel (possibly an overly large bandanna) Squid always seems to wear underneath his baseball cap, and wondered if I dared to sit on it.

X-Ray sighed and glanced around nervously, as if looking for evil mutant mince pies. Or eavesdroppers.

"Alright, but don't tell anyone, okay 'lil gal?" he said seriously, leaning in close. Oh yes, I just luurrrve secrets!

I nodded and prepared myself to be knocked over by a HIDEOUS and OBSCURE name possibly worse than _Mr. Sir._

"Rex Verma," he mumbled, and Hung His Head In Shame.

I blinked.

And blinked again.

What was so terrible about that? Sheesh, even my name is Much Worse Than That Name.

Absently, I reached for my backpack and blinked dazedly as I searched for my pack of Juicy Fruit gum.

X-Ray was looking at me nervously.

I found my precious gum and popped two in my mouth. Then I chewed vigorously and stared at him.

"You know, that's not such a horrible name," I finally said.

X-Ray swore and stumbled across a stray bit of dirt, almost falling headfirst into his very small hole and decapitating me with his shovel.

"Whoa, are you alright?" I yelled, trying to see. (Actually, I felt like screaming "I'M BLIND, I'M BLIND!" but Mr. Banshee-Dog-Pig was still standing at our digging site.)

"Yeah," someone in front of me mumbled. X-Ray had kicked up a lot of dust while performing his brilliant stunt, and combined with the darkness, it was very hard to see anything.

"We're all going to die!" I heard Zigzag scream.

Someone up there doesn't like me very much.

Grabbing onto something (I think it was X-Ray's arm) I helped him up properly. The dust cleared and I began to fear for my clothes' lives.

Breathing heavily, X-Ray mumbled a, "You don't think it's a bad name?" before picking up his shovel and resuming digging his hole.

"Um, no," I said slowly, wondering where all the sanity in the world had gone, "Of course not. It's a perfectly normal name that you shouldn't be ashamed of."

He made a disbelieving noise and I gave up trying to convince him. I jotted down his name on the sheet of paper and looked at the next question.

"Age?" I questioned him.

"Sixteen this year," X-Ray said, frowning as he dug his hole more ferociously than required.

"Birth date?"

He sighed and stopped digging, leaning on the handle of the shovel to support himself.

"November the fifth," he answered, wiping his brow. He stabbed his shovel into the dirt, creating a crack. While I filled out of the form, I glanced around. Mr. Sir had disappeared, finally. And all the other delinquents were digging their holes, occasionally yelling at each other and taking swigs from their canteens of water.

I looked at my blue water bottle and took a small sip. When I popped the lid back in, I wiped my mouth and resumed my dull, boring and pointless interview with Rex Verma, _which_, I might add, is not a bad name.

I tried a really quick, breezy way of getting snappy answers. But the next question couldn't be done quickly.

Dang.

"Hey... X-Ray?" I said tentatively.

"What, 'lil gal?"

"Can you answer those three questions again when I ask you?" I asked timidly, _really_ wanting to sit down.

X-Ray stopped digging for a moment, "Why?"

"Because... I wanna do it so it's like really quick and snappy! I've always wanted to do stuff like that," I said quickly. I glanced at Squid's towel again, lying on the dirt. I wondered why he gave it to me. The sun was rising. So was the heat and dust. And I was wearing a thin jacket _and_ my jeans. Do not ask me why.

Maybe because I don't feel comfortable wearing _revealing _and _skin-exposing_ attire around a bunch of criminal teenage boys.

X-Ray sort of nodded, while giving me a shifty look, "Fine, then."

"Name?" I asked at once.

I heard a distant mumble and _just_ made it out to mean, "Rex Verma."

"Age?"

"Fifteen."

"Birthdate?"

"November the fifth."

"How long at Camp Green Lake so far?"

"Uhh... 'leven months."

I scribbled "11 months" down and snapped, "Brief summary of your past - uh oh." Well, no more quick, snappy answers for us.

X-Ray stopped digging again, and I realised just how irritating I was being. It's not like I can help it. I have to go through all these stupid forms for a group of stupid delinquents so the _stupid_ Attorney General can decipher how _stupidly_ dangerous these boys are to the society.

Okay, let's see how long I can last without letting the word "stupid" cross my mind.

"Brief?" X-Ray questioned, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you know..." I pondered for a little while. Honestly, hadn't these boys ever been _educated_? "Like... a very quick - "

"I know what it means, but..." he suddenly smirked, "You asked Zig, and remembered how that turned out?"

"Listen, I'll try to keep my mouth shut and free myself of any shock that might seize me upon listening to your life story," I said, rolling my eyes. I glanced down at my quarter-filled form on X-Ray, "And while you're at your life story, you might as well add why you're here. It'll answer the next part of the form, which - " I plucked up the piece of paper and shoved it in his face, " - says "CRIME CONVICTED"."

I smiled smugly.

He looked very confused.

Sighing, I lowered the sheet and placed it back in my notebook, "Never mind," I muttered, "You can keep digging at your hole... I'll just go walk around. I still have about three days to ask you all this stuff, anyway."

Silence... then X-Ray nodded.

"Alright then 'lil gal, but if Mr. Sir yells at you, it ain't my fault."

I just nodded as I didn't want to go into a full-fledged gossiping session about Mr. Deficient. Sighing as X-Ray resumed digging his hole, I pulled off my jacket and stared at the sky.

I spent the next hour or so walking around. I tried to see what was in the distance, but the dried up lake seemed to go on forever. Anyway, the next time I looked up at the sky, it had been well over sunrise.

Aughhh... it was getting much hotter. Realising I needed sun protection, I pounced on my wonderful backpack and scrounged around. My mum had made me bring four hats; two of my favourite visors, a baseball cap (not that I play or understand the forsaken game) and my speshal white beanie.

Guess which one I'm not going to use.

I sincerely hoped that one of my visors or my wonderful cup was in my backpack. Because... I don't want to fry in the middle of a pancake! And I'm certainly not walking back to the compound. It's taking a lot of my energy just _standing_ here, already. Yeah, I'm a lazy person. And dang proud of it! Anyway, if I don't wanna fry, and I don't wanna walk back to get my stuff, then I'll... GULP... have to wear Squid's towel.

I think I want to throw up.

I searched deeper into my bag and began to panic. Oh, this cannot be happing. This just _cannot_ be happening.

Panicking even more, I collapsed onto the ground and began to pull everything out of my bag and dumping it on Squid's spread out towel. (Hey, I'm not going to put my stuff on the dirt!) It wasn't until then I realised what a dump it was.

Packs of gum, assorted pens, more sheets, a small notepad, my diary, my jacket, lolly wrappers, hair ties, bobby pins, comb, pocket mirror, lip gloss, wallet, deodorant... and right at the bottom of my bag...!

My beanie.

Oooh. Someone up there still doesn't like me.

"Whoa, whatcha doin' 'lil girl!" Zigzag skidded over and knelt on the dirt next to me, while I cursed under my breath.

He picked up my lip gloss. In fascination, he unscrewed the lid and stared at it. I was still too occupied with cursing the whole nasty world to notice him. X-Ray had stopped digging (again) several moments ago. Caveman and Squid were lurking over, their shovels in their hands.

"What the thingy ma gadgy?" Zigzag said, still staring at my lip gloss. He sniffed it, "Smells nice!" he proclaimed to Squid and Caveman. X-Ray shook his head.

I frowned and turned my head slightly to see what he was doing.

Suddenly, he screamed. Like literally.

I never knew boys could scream.

Zigzag chucked my lip gloss and scrambled away, as if it was poisonous. _I_ screamed and dived to catch my lip gloss. It landed on Squid's head, who began to use the unofficial list of substitute cuss words. It bounced off his head and Caveman leapt forward to catch it - it slipped through his fingers and headed for Zigzag again. In Zigzag's odd panic, he yelped and kicked my lip gloss. I shrieked again as it went flying into X-Ray's hole.

PLOP.

...For the love of pudding.

X-Ray blinked. I suppose it's not everyday a little container of pink comes falling from heaven into your hole. But ya never know!

I also blinked. Then I turned to Zigzag.

"_What is your problem_?" I screamed at him.

"Temper, 'lil girl," I heard Squid murmur. But I ignored him. Stupid git!

"IT WAS TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY SENSE OF SMELL!" Zigzag screamed right back at me.

"_What_!" I yelped, still shocked beyond oblivion and back again. "WHAT? IT'S JUST LIP GLOSS."

"YOU'VE BEEN TRICKED BY THE ALIENS! THEY - WANT - TO - TAKE - AWAY - ONE - OF - YOUR - FIVE - SENSES!" Zigzag yelled. He didn't even _seem_ to be joking. So either; A) he's an excellent actor, or B) he has gone completely and utterly bonkers.

"_Have_," I hissed menacingly, "_You lost your marbles_?"

Someone was tugging gently at my arm. 'Twas Squid.

"_What?_" I tried to say calmly.

Squid looked sheepish as he whispered, "Ziggy suffers from 'aaahh-cute pah-raaah-noiiiii-ah'." He looked _so_ proud that he could pronounce it properly.

Bravo, little boy. You're going to get a gold star today. NOT!

"I _don't_ _care_," I said a little too angrily, "He threw away my lip gloss, and - "

"You girl scouts ready for your water?" came a _gruff _and _dog-like_ _growl_ from behind all of us. Which could only mean...

Oh, no.

"Hello, Mr. Sir. Lovely to see you," Squid immediately said, straightening up.

"Why, it just seems a second ago that you were here telling us where to dig our holes," X-Ray added extra chirpily, standing right in front of his hole.

Frowning, I realised there was a red pick-up truck parked a few yards away. Magnet, Armpit and Zero were already lined up, holding their canteens. They were looking at our direction persistently.

I guess we had been too busy screaming and yelling that we hadn't heard Mr. Sir come. Caveman had collected his canteen and was heading for the line. I realised he had cut in front of Zero, who didn't even seem to notice. In fact, he stepped back a bit for him to stand there.

Cutting in lines, eh? Tut, tut, _this_ is going in my report.

Squid and Zigzag (who was eyeing the rest of the contents of my bag suspiciously) went back to their holes to retrieve their canteens. X-Ray bent over for his, but remained in front of his hole, and I reached for my water bottle.

Mr. Sir seemed suspicious at once. Whether it was the fact it looked like I was starting a beauty parlor with all my stuff on the white towel, or the fact that I was half covered in dust and had a white beanie on my head, I'm not quite sure.

But it turns out he wasn't suspicious 'cause of me.

"What you hidin' there, X-Ray?" he gruffed.

X-Ray straightened up, "Nothin'."

"Move," Mr. Sir ordered. X-Ray stepped aside obligingly and Mr. Sir leant forward to look into his hole. I watched, utmost fascinated.

"Looks like you might've found somethin'," Mr. Sir said, turning to X-Ray, who shrugged.

"It ain't mine and it ain't buried in the dirt."

Mr. Sir raised his eyebrows and spat some sunflower seeds into his hole, "It pink," he said distastefully.

I realised it was my beautiful lip gloss.

"Sweet merciful CRUMPETS!" I shrieked, "MY LIP GLOSS!" Without thinking, I shoved X-Ray and Mr. Sir aside and peered into the hole myself.

"Go chicka," I heard Magnet cheer. Thank you, thank you.

There was my innocent lip gloss. So utterly pure and chaste was it... And _beside _it, thank goodness, was Mr. Sir's spit. I bent down and retrieved it (not his spit!), hugging it closely.

"I am _never, ever_ leaving you alone again. No siree!" I said to my lip gloss. I placed it fondly into my denim backpack and began to pack the rest of my stuff back in. I pulled the cord to shut my bag, then straightened up.

I grabbed my blue water bottle and, with a sigh, headed over towards the pick-up truck. X-Ray was already walking away, drinking from his canteen that had just been filled.

I glanced at the line and found it quite odd how Squid and Zigzag had both managed to go up near the front, when they had been the last ones to come over. Zero was still at the back.

_Huh?_

I decided to shrug it off and took a drink from my water bottle. I stood behind Zero and stared in fascination at his hair.

It's quite cool, you know.

Finally, Mr. Sir filled Zero's canteen and it was my turn. I handed my bottle over uncertainly and he took it with a quick glare at me.

"Righ' there, girlie?" he grunted, flipping on the nozzle. I watched the stream of water flow into the opening of my bottle, and nodded slowly.

"Show me what you've got so far on X-Ray," Mr. Sir ordered, switching off the nozzle. He thrust the bottle into my stomach and I almost got winded again.

He is _not_ going to get a good report. Sighing, I righted my beanie that was falling into my eyes and marched over to X-Ray's hole, where my notebook was. Feeling quite annoyed, I dumped down my bottle and grabbed my notebook, flipping to X-Ray's form which was clipped in between my pages.

Carefully not showing my random notes on Camp Green Lake to Mr. Sir, I flipped out the semi-filled paper and lifted it critically to his face. He grabbed it rather impolitely and read it, his small beady eyes taking in all the information.

X-Ray recognised what he was reading and looked like he was going to faint.

Finally, Mr. Sir lowered the form and glared at me. I tried looking innocent.

"Righ' then," he said, thrusting the paper forward (I quickly lurched to the left so he didn't punch me in the face with it), "Keep it up. Remember you only have three days to complete it."

With that, he walked off, spitting out seeds every now and then.

I stuck my tongue out at his back and hoped very much that his stupid cowboy hat would burn in the sun. I righted my beanie again.

"What's with the hat?" X-Ray murmured to me out of the corner of his mouth, as he set back to work.

"My visors and cap are back at camp," I explained with a sigh. The sun was well up in the sky now and it was beating its powerful rays down on me. My beanie was doing practically nothing but making my head sweat.

The rest of the day was odd. But soon, it seemed perfectly normal for me to walk around in the middle of the desert, where seven criminal boys were digging holes. At times they would yell sarcastic and somewhat insulting comments at me with stupid grins on their faces. I usually had an equally insulting, sarcastic and stupid comeback, which left them laughing and saying things like, "You really need to grow up, 'lil girl."

I kept my lip gloss and other stuff safely in my bag, as I didn't want Zigzag wandering over and getting paranoia attacks over stupid things. I mean, he might look at my pocket mirror and mutate it, claiming that it's trying to steal his identity.

When it was noon, the water truck came with our lunches. The lunch was horrible. There was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, salt and vinegar chips and jaw-breaking apples. The boys all wolfed it down in a few minutes but it took me about half an hour to consume it all.

Mr. Pendanski filled our canteens that time, and he asked me how I was doing. I told him I was doing fine, but I hadn't asked X-Ray too many questions as I wanted to actually do something in the next two days. He nodded and said I am well organised.

Hehehe.

I spent most of the dreadfully hot day sitting on Squid's towel (yes, I had finally decided to sit on it) and doodling pictures in my notebook. I _had_ wrote down a few more notes; ten, in fact. I had even jotted down some stuff on X-Ray, like whether or not he liked the food at the camp (strange, I know.)

An hour after lunch, X-Ray climbed out of his hole. This was quite random for me, and I stared at him with nervous eyes.

He looked down at his hole and spat in it.

"AHHHHHH!" I sort of did a perfect backward somersault across the dirt and leapt up to my feet, clutching my notebook to chest for protection. Unfortunately, I'm not skilled in gymnastics and I stumbled backwards a little as I stood up, knocking over Caveman who was out of his hole, taking a drink from his canteen.

Caveman gasped, dropped his (closed) canteen and went flying into his hole, which, I might add, was not particularly big. Which is a good thing, as he didn't have to fall so much.

Everyone was staring at me.

"What?" I said defensively, "X-Ray scared me!"

"By spitting into his hole?" Squid asked, quirking his eyebrow.

"Yes! I mean, gosh, how grotty is that?" I exclaimed.

"Mr. Sir does it too," X-Ray pointed out, looking amused as he picked up his shovel and canteen.

"I know, but - arghh!" I said, unable to think up of a good argument.

Armpit looked over at me, "Hey, 'lil gal. You live with us, you better get used to us."

"I'm not living with you!" I shot at them defiantly as I collected my denim backpack and followed X-Ray back to the compound.

--

A/N: Soo... it's Andii's first day! Well, I reckon that went okay... COUGH. Hehe, okay. Truth's out. The pairing is going to be Andii/Squid. Cute, huh? Lol. But she _will_ have a brotherly relationship with the other boys of D-tent. Hmm, I better go. I hope that chapter was good and long enough! Oh, by the way, I'm going to make up the boys' past. If I do know a bit about it, then I'll put it in. REVIEW! - msq.


	5. Still Interviewing: X RAY

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Five ll Still Interviewing: X-RAY**

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal.**

23rd of July.

_Mood: relaxed_  
_Time: 8:04pm_

_The AG gave me a sort of diary to write in; you know, to record facts and whatnot. He said I didn't even have to show it to him, which I am going to anyway because it's not like I'll be writing anything crude in this. I also think I'll get more a reward if I do show it to him. He said I could call it whatever I want, like "My First Diary" or something, which I'm not going to call it as that would be lying. This isn't my first diary._

_Instead, I gave it a proper and good name that any inspector would. **Project Inspect Camp Green Lake Journal**. That sounds sophisticated, don't you think? Well anyway, I'm supposed to write in this every night or every other night or no nights at all, as Mr. AG said this was my own personal diary that might help me with observing Camp Green Lake and the boys of D-tent._

_Yesterday was my first night here and it wasn't a good one. In fact, I got into an argument with one of the boys, Zigzag. Actually, I basically got into a fight with all of them, but the main person was Zigzag. It's all good now, but it was an interesting factor. Today I interviewed X-Ray, who seems to hate his full name (Rex Verma) which I find stupid because his name is nothing to be ashamed of. It's perfectly normal and regular. I mean, does he really want to be called Andromeda?_

_Camp__ Green Lake__ is a scorching pancake. It is so hot and there isn't a single cloud in the sky anywhere. I'm sure this isn't Ms. Walker's (The Warden's) fault, or even Mr. Sir's, but it doesn't give a good impression. To top things off I didn't have a visor or a cap, so I had to wear a beanie out in the middle of a desert!_

_The boys here aren't terrible; they are actually kind of nice once you get to know them. Still, I don't think I'll ever understand their lives. They think drugs and alcohol and violence are all a part of life. I think I would know better, and I say that it's a corrupted part of life! Oh well, it's not like I can ever convince them of that._

_Tomorrow and the day after that I have to finish interviewing X-Ray. I'm going to ask him about his past and about the crime he convicted, and I hope all goes well. I can't help it if I blurt out my opinion, but I'll still try to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to get into another argument._

_Today was a really strange day, now that I come to think of it. It was full of heat and exhaustion. The boys dig holes every day, out in the hot sun! That's so horrible. It's torture, and this is a correctional facility, not a torture chamber. Somehow, I just don't think Ms. Walker's behind all this. She's much too nice. Well, I asked X-Ray a few quick questions, and then he went on digging his hole. The lunch was terrible - the food here is just plain awful. Mark my words._

_When X-Ray finished digging, he went back to the compound to take his shower. I followed him back and took my own shower (in the Warden's cabin; her bathroom is white tiled with a pink flowery touch - very nice) before heading off to my orange tent to sort out my form on X-Ray. After that, I went to the Wreck Room and found X-Ray playing pool with some boys from C-tent. They were all Looking at me, but I ignored them and sat on the sofa to doodle some more in my notebook. _

_Zero, Armpit and Squid came into the Wreck Room after that. Armpit and Squid greeted me with "Hey 'lil girl"s but Zero didn't say anything at all. The boys of C-tent went away and Armpit and Squid went to play pool with X-Ray. Zero came down and sat next to me and I said hello to him, and he bit his lip and gave a slight nod. He's a really odd boy._

_Well, by the time it was dinner again all the boys of D-tent had finished digging and had showered. The dinner was obscure; about as bad as last night's. Tonight it was Miscellaneous Pie with steamed vegetables. The steamed vegetables were all mixed together with a tofu kind of sauce. I suppose it did taste alright, except Armpit found it necessary to say it reminded him of the vomit of a boy who had been dared to eat three Big Macs, two large fries and two chocolate sundaes. That put me off right away, as the tofu-and-vegetables did look a bit like vomit and it even smelt like it... Okay, I better stop writing about it. It's making me sick._

_There was also a clump of red jelly, which was dessert. According to Squid, there's only dessert when the Warden's in a good mood and the food's not too expensive. The jelly was good, though. After dinner, the boys went back to the Wreck Room to amuse themselves. Zigzag was watching TV, which was odd 'cause the TV's busted... really busted. Armpit, Squid and X-Ray wanted me to join in with pool but I refused. Instead, I had a very nice chat with Magnet and Caveman. Zero sat with us and pretended not to listen, but I knew he did anyway._

_Then we all went to bed, except for me. I'm currently writing this up, and it's taken me almost an hour. My hand hurts, my head aches and my eyes are very tired. According to my watch, it's almost nine o'clock, which is very late seeing as I have to wake up at 4:30. I'll probably write more tomorrow night._  
_  
Good night,_  
_Andii__._

--

I was woken up the next morning by Squid, who's apparently been appointed as my Personal Alarm Clock. I woke up to him singing loudly, "I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M JUST A LITTLE UNWELL."

How... fitting.

Naturally I leapt up screaming at him and belting him with a hairbrush, while still half-asleep. He just smirked and walked off to the Mess Hall going, "I know, right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see, a different side to me..."

Breakfast was a blur; all I knew was, pretty soon we were out in the dark desert, and _they_ were digging their holes while _I_ sat on Squid's towel and tried not to drop off to sleep. I still had to ask X-Ray those questions that required long responses, but I was so tired...

Then suddenly, everything was pleasantly cool and relaxed. I found myself smiling as I enjoyed the newfound peace. It felt so good, as if I had just been refreshed. Everything was so dark and cool. Just perfect.

I sure hoped I wasn't delirious.

"Hey? 'Lil gal? 'Lil gal? Are you okay? Whoa - a 'lil help here - " I heard X-Ray say.

Then I opened my eyes and looked around. Everything seemed unpleasant, all of a sudden. The sky was dark but the air was full of heat. X-Ray was looking at me strangely.

So I had dozed off. Oh, well.

"Ughh, I'm fine," I murmured, rubbing my eyes. I got up and brushed the dust off my pants. With a sigh, I picked up my notebook and rubbed my eyes again. Why did this have to be so tiring?

The day went by pretty quickly, which I found strange. 'Cause, you know, horrible and tiring days usually drag on _forever_. My bright pink visor must've stood out in the dustiness, because once when I was very far away from the digging site and I almost fell over, the boys of D-tent ran up to see if I was okay.

And of course, I was fine - just as soon as I had some water. Magnet had his canteen strapped around him and he gave me some of his water, which was really nice of him.

I've decided to write a good report on him.

When that episode was over, I finally ventured to ask X-Ray those questions.

I really can't remember how he answered them, as it felt like I was going through a heatstroke, but later I looked at my form and wondered how the long answers got there. This is what they read:

_PAST:_ _--didn't have a close relationship with parents, who didn't approve of his rebellious nature. Got into fights, often racial-related. Was part of a "gang" at school. His parents were loving but didn't understand him. His family did not have much money, but were better off than many other families._

_CRIME CONVICTED: --was caught in possession of (illegal) firecrackers. Sold M-80s and cherry bombs to students, but one of them ratted out on him to the police. Was also framed of setting the firecrackers off in the cafeteria that had happened about a fortnight before his arrest (injuring ten students.) He claims he is innocent._

When I read that later (after I felt much better and was sitting next to Squid in the Wreck Room) I thought that X-Ray hadn't convicted a very bad crime. His past wasn't that bitter, either.

Well, anyway, I felt like I was about to die when X-Ray finished digging and helped me back to camp. It took a lot of energy just to walk into the Warden's cabin and take a shower. Then I dressed myself in a sleeveless orange shirt and white pants. I felt like I deserved a real treat, so I spent the next twenty minutes in my tent brushing my hair and working on my nails.

I was finally satisfied and felt much better about myself. The rest had helped. I really don't like spending so much time in the sun. It's horrible. Absolutely horrible! I heat up like a rotating chicken on the barbecue, and feel very uncomfortable.

And the fact that I was tired hadn't helped either. I hoped no boys ventured near my tent, otherwise they'd have heard me belting out loudly, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

Okay, so I stole the song off Squid. Big deal. Singing helps me feel better.

(Innocent smile there.)

I was ready to march off to the Wreck Room merrily, to show the delinquents that I _was_ okay, despite all their gishy-gashy worrying over me. So I scooped up my notebook, sheet and pen (I planned to check out my notes and write some stuff about the WRECK ROOM), caught my reflection in the mirror, and realised I simply MUST re-do my hair.

I sighed and dumped my stuff back on my airbed, before attending to my hair.

As I stared at myself in the mirror, I was reminded that I looked horribly plain and boring. My best friend, Claudette, is Japanese, and she has such a striking oriental beauty in her.

So _there_.

Bwahahahaha. Okay, that's a good sign. To normal people, it wouldn't be; you know, having maniacal fits of laughter running through your head, but this is natural for me, which means I must be normal again. I mean, normal as _I, myself_ could get. When I was suffering through that heatstroke, I'm sure I hadn't been myself. I was moody, feisty and a sadistic cow, which is _not_ who I usually am.

...Right?

Well, whatever.

My hair is long, brown, dead-straight and BORING! Yes, capitalised, EMPHASISING how boring it is. My eyes are hazel, and my face is just... average. I have a few faint freckles, but that's it to unaverage-ise my face.

The only unusual thing about me is my height, I guess, and that's nothing good considering how I get stuck with the "nickname" '_lil__ girl_.

And it's literally _'lil_, not little. You can't hear the delinquents pronounce the 'T' at all. It sounds a bit like "lee-ewl", but this is completely irrelevant so I'll stop talking about it.

Which was when I heard voices, footsteps and muffled noises outside of my tent.

My mother and father had warned me about rapists, stalkers, mad people and insane boys who want to attack you with oranges. Cecily had reminded me to look out for icky boys who want to push you over and pull your dress up.

I had thanked them all, but I hadn't actually considered the thought.

"Hey, is she asleep? 'Lil girl?"

It was Squid. Again.

"Can I see your Smell-Sense-Stealing-Gadget again, 'lil girl?"

And Zigzag.

"What if she's passed out?"

X-Ray.

"That's bad. Well, 'least the Warden likes her enough to make sure she'll be okay."

Armpit.

"Look, man! I took Mr. Sir's credit card!"

Magnet.

"That's wicked, Mag."

Caveman.

Silence.

And Zero.

Smiling for no real reason, I unzipped the flaps and stepped out.

"Yo chicka!" Magnet said cheerfully, "Look what I got!" He showed me the credit card.

"That's nice," I said, trying not to laugh.

"Hey, you're alive," Squid said, chewing on a new and fresh toothpick.

"And you look so happy," I said sarcastically, though I was still smiling.

"C'mon, we don't want them B-tent bums takin' the pool table," Armpit said, and he and X-Ray ran ahead to the Wreck Room.

When we arrived at the Wreck Room, I sat on the couch and Squid sat beside me. I was surprised because he usually plays pool with Armpit and X-Ray. Oh well, people can feel like change, can't they?

_No they can't!_

Hey, who are you?

_...Never mind._

"Mail has arrived!" came a bright and carefree voice. Mr. Pendanski.

"Stanley Yelnats!" he called out, taking out an envelope. Caveman went a little pink as he stepped forward and claimed his letter. Then he disappeared from the Wreck Room, and I knew,_ just knew_, that he had headed back to the tent for some privacy.

I am just so brilliant when it comes to these things.

Squid scowled. On the other side of him, Zero looked even more distant than usual.

Then this new feeling hit me. I felt so sorry for the both of them. Squid looked angry, but sort of sad. Zero just looked plain sad. And lonely. And he looked so huggable and cuddly!

I knew they had been concerned for me when I had went woozy out in the sun (ahaha, that sounds funny, doesn't it?), so I felt like I should try and help them. Obviously, seeing where they had ended up, they hadn't had the perfect family or life.

Me? Well, I don't have a perfect life, but it looks like a gift from heaven compared to these boys'.

"Hey, you two," I said, trying to sound hearty. I felt like Mr. Pendanski and immediately dropped the voice. "What's up?"

Squid shook his head slightly, "He always gets letters from his mum, I mean, geez, who gets letters from their _mother_ at juvenile camp?"

His tone was heated, but when you got right down to it, it was bitter and resentful. Zero, of course, didn't say anything.

I shrugged, not wanting to go into a full gossip session about Caveman who I find very nice, and not wanting to argue against Squid whose wake up calls mayn't be the best, but was still a nice person under that stupid towel and baseball cap.

"People who are crazy?" I suggested, yawning a little. I felt tired all over again.

Squid sighed and dismissed the subject. He blinked, then said, "People who are crazy aren't bad people."

"Of course they aren't," I said, opening my notebook and coming to a rest at X-Ray's form, "Only people touched in the head think that."

I looked up and grinned, wanting him to smile. I don't even know why I was being so nice and cheerful. I had this weird feeling at the back of my mind that I should be acting crabby and annoyed. I mean, wouldn't you, if you got stuck out in the middle of a pancake, surrounded by delinquents who you had to interview?

But I felt like I had no right to feel like that. _Only stuck up people and snobs would act like that._

I guess I wanted to prove I wasn't a typical Palmoilin person.

Squid did smile, which was relieving. So I looked down at my notebook and read what I had written before on X-Ray.

The time came for dinner. I took a deep breath, grabbed a tray and went to line up. The first obstacle to overcome was the five pancakes ("Wholemeal Cheese, Ham 'n' Spinach Pancakes"), then leek and boiled potatoes. The next part was the huge pot of gravy that they splattered onto the pancakes and vegetables. At the end of the line was a bowl with something still wrapped up in paper, and a banana.

I sat down at the D-tent table. All of them, even Zero, were eating something white and pale yellow from their bowls.

I realised it was ice cream and the banana all mixed up together to form some kind of dessert.

"Why are you eating dessert first?" I wanted to know, sitting down.

"It's Camp Green Lake, chicka," Magnet said, licking up the dribbles of ice cream, "Ice cream is a rare thing, and if we do get it, it's prone to melt within the next five minutes. If you waited until you had finished your dinner, all you'd get is a pool of sweetened white milk."

_Intellectual answer alert.__ Intellectual answer alert._

"Uh huh," I said slowly.

"Whatcha waiting for?" Armpit asked, "Eat it, quick!"

So I tore off the paper wrapping and the very soft vanilla ice cream block fell with a "plop" into my bowl. I peeled the banana, with the boys chanting "quick, quick, quick, quick" as if they were at a football match.

Zigzag was counting how many seconds it was taking me.

I felt like rolling my eyes as I usually would, but found myself amused as I broke up my banana and placed it with the ice cream that was dribbling all over itself.

I picked up my spoon and had a bite.

"Quick, quick, quick!" the boys were still chanting.

"Thirty-nine, forty. Forty-one..." Zigzag was counting.

I grinned when I finished it, and they all cheered and clapped. Even Zero was grinning. We were making a huge racket and pretty much everyone was staring at us, but I didn't care.

I hadn't had a Race Against The Clock eating competition since I was five.

--

I was going crazy.

That had to be an answer.

Why? Because I woke up the next morning before Squid came along and started singing.

And guess what?

I was _happy._ I felt _fine._ Fine with the whole ordeal. Fine with being at Camp Green Lake, where it's always a hundred degrees. Fine with being surrounded by a group of boys that had committed crimes.

_Fine._

Completely dandy.

And that's when I thought I was going crazy.

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake -- Journal.**

25th of July.

_Mood: freaked-out-of-my-mind_  
_Time: 4:25am_

_I had a terrible day yesterday. I almost fainted from the heat. The Warden's providing me with a little battery-operated fan and a spray so I can squirt water on myself on regular interviews to keep cool. Today's my last day on interviewing X-Ray. Just a few more questions to round it all up nicely._

_Anyway, I just thought I might tell you that I think I've lost my mind._

_Andii__._

I shut my lovely diary and slid it under my airbed, while yawning. Smiling vaguely, I wandered over to the vanity that had magically appeared there and began to brush my hair.

"CAN'T YOU JUST GO SOMEWHERE ON VACATION?!"

Uh oh. Squid alert.

"I COULD BOOK YOUR FLIGHT AND PACK YOUR BAGS IF YOU WANT."

"Squiiiiiiiiiid," I moaned, dragging his name into five syllables. With a sigh, I stumbled (as per usual) out of my tent and found him there, singing. As usual.

"Wake up call," he said with a calm smile.

"You're like a radio," I sighed, trying to rip my comb from my hair.

Squid grinned, and I realised he wasn't chewing on that stupid toothpick, "You got up pretty quick today."

I shrugged, "I got up before you even came here."

"I'm sure," Squid scoffed, "You aren't gettin' rid of your alarm that easily."

Then he grinned again and walked away, and I just stared at him oddly.

After a wonderful breakfast where Zigzag and Armpit got into an argument over what day National Tree Day was usually on, we were out in the hot, hot, hot sun, and they were still digging those _stupid_ holes.

I felt better today, as I had sort of gotten used to the heat. It was kind of eventful, though. You see, I had _kinda_ accidentally knocked over Squid's dirt pile back into his hole, and he spent the next half an hour yelling at me. I didn't see what the big deal was, 'cause the dirt pile was teeny tiny and I had even offered to shovel it back onto the surface, but he just said that 'lil girls aren't forced into slave labour, and that I'd get dirt on my white top, which I thought was _completely_ off the subject. I mean, he wears a white shirt too!

I couldn't help myself and said that if he hadn't had the dirt pile so inconveniently close to his hole then this wouldn't have happened, but he just covered his ears and started screaming, "THESE CHICKS DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF MY BAND" and I ran off screaming because _I hate that song!_

It was while I was running off I tripped and almost fell headfirst into Magnet's hole, but he held onto the back of me and managed to stop me. Then I yelled at Squid and said it was all his fault, but he started singing louder still, "BUT THEY'RE ALL ON ME LIKE THEY WANNA HOLD HANDS!" So I began to shout, "INCY WINCY SPIDER CLIMBED UP THE WATER SPOUT!"

Then X-Ray came over with his shovel and told us to shut up in the name of all things made of plastic or else he'd throw water on me and hit Squid over the head with the shovel, which were both very dangerous threats so we stopped yelling across the holes.

I marched back to X-Ray's hole and began to question him. Here's what my interview was like:

"So, Mr. Verma, would you say the current governments' taxes are satisfactory?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I have no idea what the general public - "

Okay, let's just cut to the chase.

_"What do you think of Camp Green Lake?"_

"It sucks."

_"X-Ray, I have to hand this in to the AG. "It sucks" isn't going to cut it."_

"Alright then," (insert sigh) "I find it highly stupid. That better?"

_"Yes, very. What do you think of your group leader - Mr. Pendanski?"_

"He's weird."

_"What do you think of the managers - the Warden and Mr. Sir?"_

"Weird and weirder."

_"You think everything is weird."_

"Of course - you can't say you _don't_ think they're weird?"

_"Well... yeah, you win there. What could be improved at CGL?"_

"Everything. But especially the food."

_"Do you like how things are being run here?"_

"Nup."

And that, my friends, is the wonderful interview I had. I'm sure the AG won't like all the answers he gets, but oh well. Who cares. It's not my fault X-Ray's prone to giving me one-shot answers.

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake -- Journal.**

25th of July, 2004.

_Mood: would rather die_  
_Time: 7:21pm_

_Today was... ODD! I'm done with interviewing X-Ray, and my next "patient" is Zigzag. I got into a little disagreement with Squid 'cause I knocked his dirt pile over, then we got into a disagreement again. Because at lunch time, I swapped our bananas around because his one was more yellow. Man, he almost blew up. He called me a banana thief and wasn't I ever taught to be content with what I had. Well, I offered to give him my sandwich, which was a lot better looking than his, but he just ignored me and repeated "banana thief" under his breath._

_But, oh goodness, what happened after my shower was just horrible..._

--

The day was over all over again, and I felt pretty happy. After my shower, I decided on a quick walk around the compound.

Well, it was a very merry walk. I was heading to the Wreck Room when I saw a boy wandering outside of A-tent, so I assumed he was an A-tenter. He was wearing nothing but a white T-shirt, which luckily was long enough it covered... _that_ spot.

I just stopped dead and stared at him. He looked kind of surprised, then he grinned.

I was so shocked.

Next thing I knew, he had lifted his shirt up.

I screamed.

Screamed really, really loudly.

I ran back in the direction I had just come from. I didn't even care where I was going. Just away from that psychopath flasher!

While I was screaming and running, I saw D-tent. I didn't think at all; I just knew that it was a safe place where I could hide from_ perverted freaks_!

Now, here's a lesson, children. Gather 'round and I shall teach you. _Never_ walk into a tent inhabited by boys without knocking or something. Not that you can knock on tent flaps, but still. You never know what on earth they may be doing, so for your own good, NEVER DO SUCH A THING!

However, I don't think it's _all_ my fault. How was I supposed to know X-Ray, Zigzag and Armpit were in the middle of changing? Well, at least they had their pants on.

Okay, here's the drill. I ran into their tent screaming; blinked when I saw the three boys aforementioned, who all yelped and fell over each other's feet; screamed because I was so shocked; and ran out of their tent still screaming.

I had no idea what to do after that. There I was, outside of D-tent, screaming my head off and trying to keep DISTURBING images away.

SOMEONE UP THERE HATES ME!

Then Magnet and Squid came out of the tent, holding me back and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Meanwhile, I continued screaming because, well, it seemed like the only thing to do.

"Hey, are you alright? You seem kinda hysterical," Squid said, trying to calm me down.

Magnet was asking me what was wrong, and I _finally _calmed down to say, "There was this guy - "

And that was as far as I could get, 'cause suddenly there was this "HEY, CHICK!"

I made the mistake of looking over to that direction, and saw that crazy A-tenter waving at me cheerily. His face is _evil_.

I guess you know what I did. I screamed. I turned back around and tried to run past; past D-tent, E-tent, F-tent... probably scream all the way back to civilization, if necessary. But Magnet was still holding onto me, so all I could do was... scream, while jogging on the spot.

Anyway, Squid had walked over to give a talk to the A-tenter about revealing YOU-KNOW-WHAT in front of innocent thirteen-year-old girls, which I found unfair because I'm turning fourteen in like three days!

Magnet was murmuring all these sort of comforting things, but I was so traumatised and shocked and scared that they all just went through one ear and came out the other.

I can't remember what happened after that. I think Squid kicked the flasher's arse (not literally) back to A-tent, then he and Magnet let me stay in D-tent, where all the boys were (thankfully) dressed. They calmed me down so I stopped screaming, but I blanked out a lot. Then they took me to the Wreck Room where I _think_ Magnet was trying to talk to me about different dog breeds, but I wasn't listening. It was like:

"I really like Scottish Terriers - "_ cue for a 'Me too', _" - but I think Cocker Spaniels are cool, too - " _an agreeing nod,_ " - I think pugs look a little ugly - " _'Mmmhmm,'_ "Chihuahuas are cute - " _another nod_, "But what I want the most is a Jack Russel. I had one before I came here, y'know?" _Insert gasp._

Of course, dinner was next, and I guess I was infected so badly I didn't even taste how horrible it was. It went by quickly as I kept my head down, and tried to keep horrible images from my mind.

This is what **_THAT_** does to you.

X-Ray was asking me for my bread or something, but I wasn't listening. Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and that just brought back horrible memories... For some odd reason.

So I leapt up, held up my spoon threateningly, and screamed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

The dining hall fell silent and I knew every eye was upon me. Including that crazy A-tenter... but man, I didn't want to think about that. X-Ray looked utmost shocked, and he withdrew his hand silently.

"Oi, 'lil girl..." Squid started to say, looking bewildered.

I quickly turned around and left the D-tent table. As I made my escape from the Mess Hall, I heard Magnet and Squid calling after me, but I really needed to get away from that crazy place.

Or else I'm going to go MAD.

Bwahahahaha.

I ran across the dirt, careful not to fall into any holes, and saw the outline of my tent beside the Warden's cabin. Panting a little (not because I was tired, I guess I was just hysterical), I ran into my tent and fell onto my air bed.

When I recovered, I laid back and stared at the top of my tent, which was silver on the inside.

I am sane. I am calm.

_"Hey, chick!"_

I groaned loudly and buried my face into the pillow.

I'm scarred for life.

--

A/N: I hope that was a nice chapter! Hehehe. x) It was my birthday today! ((grins)) I got lotsa cool pressies and my friends screamed out the b'day song... Lol. Anyways, everyone was going around screaming "YOU'RE FINALLY A TEENAGER" and it's like... yup. Lol. BUT THANK YOU FOR THOSE SWEET REVIEWS of nice comments and constructive criticism.

Yeah, I dislike it when people call me 'little girl', but it's a nickname some of the boys who I suppose are my "friends" gave me. Anyway, I _have_ read the book, over and over and over! Like four times, but I still don't pick up the D-tent boys' past ('cept Zero and Stanley) because IT'S NOT IN THERE. I hear it's in the Survival Guide, which I will eventually get.

I watched the movie in the school subject ENGLISH, not the language. I mean, I _did_ watch it in the language English... but also during class... Ahh, I hope you understand, lol. If you want a sort of sad story, then please go check out My Angel, My Only ; it's another Holes fic based on Zero. I know you people enjoy this story more, because even I like this better, but I'd love for you to read my other one as well!

A bientot! - msq.


	6. My Next Patient: ZIGZAG

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

Note: Helloha! I just thought I'd say that Ziggy is a bit out of character. He is quite odd... A lot like me and my friends. You know, sugar-high and prone to imagine odd things. But this will help with the humor of the story. Thanks!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Six ll My Next Patient: ZIGZAG**

--

"My mother gave me a first name, it was R-I-C-K-Y. My mother didn't give me a second name, it's B-L-A-N-K - "

I sighed and slapped my hand against my forehead.

_All_ I had done was simply ask Zigzag what his real name was.

And already he was singing.

SINGING!

I didn't know boys could sing.

I mean, other than Squid...

_(NOTE TO SELF: Ask the Warden woman if she has been giving private vocal lessons.)_

"Zigzag - " I started helplessly. It was almost sunrise, and I still didn't have a single thing on Zigzag's form.

Okay, so it's not _completely_ his fault. When we had finished breakfast and Mr. Pendanksi had shown the boys where to dig their holes, I didn't feel like diving into interviewing.

So... y'know... I walked around... had a few chats here and there... the usual stuff!

Zigzag stopped singing and stared at me, as if I had just magically appeared in front of him. Honestly - he looked so freaked out.

"I am not the Cookie Monster, Poppinfresh or the ducks from the Kleenex ad," I added quickly before he could start hallucinating. You see, I have learnt a lot over the past few days.

Zigzag looked relieved. Then he pried up a shovelful of dirt and dumped it proudly on his dirt pile. _Then _he went back to digging his hole, totally disregarding me.

I tapped my pen against my notebook impatiently, "Zigzag?" I repeated agitatedly, "_What is your full name_?"

"Oh..." Zigzag seemed to return to his human self, and answered, "Ricky Palmer."

Finally.

Good grief, he seems to have a memory span of about five seconds.

I think I read somewhere that fish have the memory span of three seconds. So maybe Zigzag's a fish in disguise. A fish with a two-second-more-memory-span-thing.

Oooh, that's amusing.

Heh.

_Okay; continue looking smart, then move slowly away from Zigzag._

He's infecting me with his insanity.

"Age?" I blurted out, not wanting to think anymore. I mean, that could be deadly.

_(NOTE:_ _There seems to be a contagious disease around the camp that makes you - well, dumber.)_

"SIXTEEN!" Zigzag sung out cheerfully.

And _I_ suddenly felt energised.

I was standing up because Squid seemed to have forgotten to give me his tea towel, and I didn't want to ask for it because (I think) he's still mad at me for taking his banana.

"Birth date?" I asked, while scrawling "16" next to "Age".

"July the eighth," Zigzag stopped digging with a sudden startlingness, and frowned at me, "Why are you asking all this? You're not working for _them_, are you?"

I decided to humor him a little, although I had no idea who _them_ was.

"Yes, I am, actually. Do you have a problem with that?" I asked pleasantly, hinting heavily that I was _joking._

But Zigzag didn't see my heavy hints. He was quite serious, and it didn't take a genius to figure out (a second later) that I had made a mistake. And a huge one, at that.

A look of fear crossed his face, panic was evident in his eyes, and his nose twitched nervously.

"They've gotten to you too!" he shrieked, pointing at me accusingly, "They're watching our every move! They're using you as a spy! I knew it! I'd been receiving That Tingle about a week before you arrived! ARRGGHH!"

I stared at him, quite frightened, while Zigzag swiped his shovel into the air as if intending to hit me.

Now, I have a thing about flying objects. They scare-the-daylights-out-of-me. Whenever someone's just kicked a football and it's sailing gracefully through the air, I scream and run around in circles down below, trying not to get hit.

But I get hit anyway.

And I absolutely hate it when something comes into contact heavily with my head. I mean, I don't need to lose anymore brain cells!

"Ahh - ahh - AHHH!" I screamed, scrambling away from Crazy Zigzag. I certainly didn't want to get hit by that heavy shovel! Heaven knows where I'll end up if I did.

I streaked across the dirt, screaming and running. Zigzag ran after me, yelling something about me being infected and that if only he had realised earlier, I wouldn't be where I was now.

If only it were that simple!

Later, X-Ray told me that I _shouldn't_ have run away, and that Zigzag wouldn't hit me, because he's not that kind of guy. He also said that I_ provoked _him by running and saying that I was working for _them_, which I find totally unfair.

Wasn't _I_ the one who almost got beheaded by a shovel?

Well, back to the point; it took the combined efforts of Squid, Armpit and X-Ray to calm Zigzag down. I dunno how they did it. I was busy hiding down in a hole, quivering with fear. Magnet and Caveman were calling for me, but I wasn't responding.

No way was I climbing back up to the surface until I knew Zigzag was sane again - well, as sane as he could get.

Caveman found me hiding down in the hole, and joined me when I refused to go back up to the surface.

He talked to me and told me how he thought Zigzag was plain odd and how he got a little violent sometimes, but he was generally a nice dude who'd do anything to protect his D-tent mates. Caveman said that Zigzag would never hurt me because; 1. I'm a girl and, 2. I've been accepted into their little "group".

He also said that yes, Zigzag did get quite scary at times, but that's because of his "acute paranoia", and that we should all make allowances. Caveman then proceeded to say that every guy in D-tent has a weird side of them, and this was Zigzag's.

I felt better afterwards, and I secretly thought that Caveman was wrong when he said that every boy in D-tent has a weird side to them. There's nothing weird about the Caveman.

It was really nice having a one-sided chat with him, and I've decided to also write a good report on him.

_(NOTE: There are decent boys at Camp Green Lake. A bit like finding a needle in a haystack, though.)_

When it was safe to climb out of the hole, I had pins and needles so Magnet had to lift me out. Then he and Caveman gently tugged me towards Zigzag, who was kind of being held down by Squid.

Okay, I admit it. I acted like a little girl being pushed by her giggly friends to a boy that was cooties-infested.

"Sorry," Zigzag mumbled as soon as I was a metre away from him.

I bit my lip and caught Squid's scathing look. I glared back. Then he gave a tiny sigh and ever-so-slightly jabbed his finger towards the towel wrapped around his head.

Bribery always works.

"It's okay," I mumbled incoherently, speaking more to the dirt than to Zigzag. Somehow, he heard and he nodded. Magnet released his death grip on me and backed away slowly.

I knew all the boys of D-tent were making sure Zigzag wouldn't suddenly jump up and start chasing me with a shovel.

He didn't, however. He went back to digging and Squid gave me his towel to sit on, as promised. After half an hour of me sitting in silence, drawing in my notebook, I asked Zigzag the next question and he answered promptly.

Pretty soon, though, we got into a conversation about what we wanted for Christmas (Tickle Me Elmo's), and our fear of the Evil Muffin Man. When the water truck came at noon, I had decided that Zigzag was a cool person to talk to.

After we had gotten our lunches, I realised that I had asked Zigzag enough questions for the day. I glanced back down at his form.

_FULL NAME: Ricky Palmer_  
_AGE: 16_  
_BIRTHDATE: 8th July_  
_TIME SPENT AT CAMP GREEN LAKE SO FAR: 9 months_

I actually had a bit more to do on X-Ray. I had to fill out this section that I, _myself, personally_, had to do. Then I had to write the actual _report_ on him, but the AG said that I could do that at the end, when I had finished with the rest of the boys.

Tum te tum.

"Good morning people!" I said chirpily to everyone as I skipped around the digging site, which changed every single day. I was holding my precious digital camera, and took random photos of the boys when they least expected it.

_CLICK._

I had taken one of X-Ray drinking from his canteen. He almost choked.

"Oi, I _hate_ photos!" he yelled, shaking his fist at me.

I grinned. I just love annoying people.

_CLICK_.

I got a brilliant snapshot of Caveman doing some weird hand gesture while talking to quiet, little Zero.

_CLICK._

Squid hand wrestling with Magnet in mid air. Weird, yes.

_CLICK._

Zigzag digging his hole. (Boring; but I had another photo of him a few days ago at breakfast.)

_CLICK._

Armpit dancing with his shovel.

Ahhh, precious memories.

Precious, precious memories.

Little did I know the delinquents were plotting against me.

I think it was an hour after lunch; I was thirsty and tired, but it was a good kind of tired. I sat down on Squid's towel and took a drink of water from my bottle, appreciating nothing at all.

Then it happened.

I _knew_ it was a little _too_ quiet to be natural.

"AIYEEEEEEEE!"

Yelling like Indians and doing a horrible imitation of Xena, the seven boys of D-tent came diving at me. Even Zero.

I shrieked.

Squid pounced on me and grabbed my Ripcurl cap, while Zero and X-Ray grabbed onto either of my arms. Then Squid ran off with my hat, so I was left un-sun-protected.

Magnet quickly snagged my digital camera from me and gave it to Armpit, who immediately took a photo. Of me. Without my hat. Without my hair done up nicely.

And probably with a stunned expression on my face. (Of course, I was screaming and yelling all sorts of threats while this happened.)

Anyway, digital cameras show the photo for a moment before resuming back to its original state. Armpit grinned as he looked at the one he had just taken of me. Without my hat. Without my hair done up nicely.

"Not a bad one," he commented. Zero craned his neck to look at it, and he also smiled.

It took me three seconds to recollect myself.

"I WANT MY HAT!" I yelled, leaping up, "AND MY CAMERA!"

_CLICK._

Armpit had taken another photo. I'm beginning to understand how _annoying_ it is.

"Will you stop that?" I exclaimed angrily, rounding on him.

"Oi, 'lil girl!"

I whirled around and saw Squid grinning. Then to my horror, I noticed a cap lying in front of him in the dirt.

IF THAT'S MY RIPCURL CAP I'M GOING TO KILL -

Oh wait, that's_ his_ baseball cap, not _mine._ Then what is he wearing on his head?

...Oh, my.

_(NOTE: Boys should show some courtesy to people who have POWER!)_

I heard another _CLICK_ behind me, but I ignored it.

_I want my hat back!_

"SQUID!" I hollered, running after him, "SQUID, YOU HAT THIEF! THAT HAT COST ALMOST THIRTY DOLLARS!"

Squid stopped suddenly, so I screamed and crashed into him. He fell onto the dirt, which is odd, because I'm small (yes, even I admit that) and I'm sure he could have kept his balance.

"Thirty dollars?" Squid wheezed, taking off the hat and looking at it, "What the - ? "

"Yeah..." I said slowly, hoping to throw him off-track, while I heard several _CLICKs_ and a lot of laughing behind me, "So... GIVE IT BACK!"

I tried snatching it back, but he immediately withdrew his hand away.

"Nuh-uh," Squid scrambled up, smirked at me, then dangled my hat as high as he could stretch.

And that was quite high.

"I _hate_ you," I whined helplessly, while I jumped up and down, trying to get my hat back.

Squid just grinned, and I heard roars of laughter behind me, and of course, several more _CLICK_s.

"Hey... look, a distraction!" I yelled suddenly, pointing towards the sky.

"Huh?" Squid instantly craned his neck to look. Trying not to roll my eyes, I snatched my hat back, whacked him across the head with it, then ran off.

"Ow," Squid mumbled, rubbing the spot where I had smacked him with my weapon (my beautiful cap.)

I am so _brilliant _and _excellent,_ as usual.

The others groaned at Squid's failure, and I smirked as I sauntered over to Armpit. He dared to take another photo.

_CLICK. _

_FLASH._

The calm smile on my face disappeared as I screeched, "GIVE ME BACK MY CAMERA NOW!"

"Okay, chicka," Armpit mumbled, reluctantly surrendering my camera. I grabbed it and began to delete every stupid photo of me they had taken.

However, I didn't delete _all_ of them. As that would be like... obliterating memories.

I sniffled as I petted my camera fondly. I turned around and saw the seven boys all grouped together, Hanging Their Heads in Shame.

Well, not really.

As it felt like the perfect thing to do, I glared at them, "You are all horrible people that should eat brussel sprouts."

Squid and Zigzag glanced at each other, then burst out laughing.

Magnet and X-Ray wandered over to me. Then they stood on either side of me.

"We're sorry, 'lil gal," X-Ray said mockingly with a smirk.

"Yeah, we were only havin' fun," Magnet said mischievously.

I felt very uneasy.

Armpit, Caveman and Zero sauntered towards me as well, all smiling in a twisted, evil way.

"I guess you just can't please everyone," Squid added, walking over then stopping directly behind me. Zigzag followed him.

"What are you up to _now_?" I asked edgily, eyeing them. They had surrounded me.

"Oh... nothing much," X-Ray said musingly, " 'Cept for this - "

I screamed as Squid, X-Ray and Caveman all put their hands on my head and pushed down, forcing me to fall onto the dirt. Zero, Magnet and Zigzag pounced on me while Armpit snatched the camera out of my hands.

None of the boys were putting _too_ much pressure on me, so I wasn't squashed into a pancake. Through the flurry of arms and legs, I saw the outline of Armpit backing away with the camera.

"Say cheese everyone!" he yelled cheerfully.

Everyone but me shouted, "CHEESE!"

_CLICK._

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake -- Journal**

27th of July.

_Mood: TIRED yet jumpy_  
_Time: 4:37am_

_AHHHH! It's my birthday tomorrow! I almost forgot - how could I? I suppose being surrounded by delinquents just wipes your head spicky spanny cleany. Anyway, I'm finally going to be 14, which I hope is a good enough excuse for them not to call me "lil girl" anymore..._

_Yesterday, I walked around with my digi cam and took a heap of photos. Then the boys took revenge on me and attacked me, then took heaps of photos while I was being held down! They made me promise not to delete them._

_I'm at the breakfast table at the moment. I haven't eaten breakfast since I arrived here. The cereal is terrible, so all I do is drink the orange juice. Ugh - Squid says I'm being rude by writing in this, and X-Ray says breakfast is a time of eating and sharing with your family. Family? Yeah, right._

_I'm going to put this away, however, because I have nothing else to write. Oh! I have to ask Zigzag about his past (gulp) today... I hope all goes well!_

_Andii__._

"Finally!" Squid exclaimed as I snapped my diary shut and slid it into my denim backpack, "I was wonderin' when you'd put that thing away."

I sighed as I reached over for my orange juice, and said as patiently as I could, "It helps me with my inspecting of this camp."

There was a general buzz of murmur around the table.

"Still," X-Ray piped up, "No writing at the table!"

"Fine," I mumbled, sipping the last of my orange juice, "I promise never to bring the journal here again, _mother_."

X-Ray grinned, "There's a good 'lil gal."

I rolled my eyes and contained my smile. Then I realised how _hungry_ I was.

I never ignore my hunger. _Never_. I don't care if I'm going to gain like twenty kilos. I'm still going to eat!

Good food makes me happy. (Big smile there.)

Unfortunately, good food does not exist at Camp Green Lake, the kentucky-fried-desert.

At that moment, I took out my notebook and immediately jotted down a huge note. **CAMP NEEDS TO ACQUIRE DECENT FOOD.**

"Hey!" X-Ray exclaimed, "You promised!"

"I said I wouldn't bring my _journal_, not my notebook," I said smugly. He looked confused.

"Same thing!"

"They are not," I closed my notebook, then glanced down at the cereal in sour milk.

Ew.

"Pass the sugar, Pit," Magnet requested to Armpit, who took a hold of a jar of white stuff and slid it across the table to Magnet.

"Thanks, man."

Sugar?

SUGAR!

**_SUGAR?_**

How come I didn't know there was any?

As I glanced around, I realised how ignorant I had been, and saw two jars of white sprinkly stuff.

Sugar and salt.

SUGAR! How brilliant.

Well then, this sums up my breakfast menu. I finally get to eat the horrible cereal, because my good friend SUGAR will make the sour taste go away!

_Victory dance._

"Squid, pass the sugar," I said proudly, though I'm not sure what I was so proud about.

Squid grabbed onto the jar and slid it across the table, air-hockey style.

Still ever-so-proudly, I began to sprinkle the white little particles onto my cereal. When I was satisfied with the amount, I put the cap back onto the sugar jar and set it down in front of me. I picked up my spoon and swirled the cereal and milk and sugar around.

Then I had a bite.

"You know," I said slowly, chewing, "This certainly _does_ taste peculiar..."

"Add some sugar," Caveman said vaguely, sprinkling sugar onto his cereal.

I rolled my eyes, and was about to tell him to pay a bit _more_ attention, so then he would've realised I _had_ put sugar on my cereal, but then I thought; _How is Caveman putting sugar on his cereal when the sugar jar is standing right in front of me?_

Frowning a little, I glanced from the jar in his hand, to the jar in front of me. The jar in his hand, then the jar in front of me. His hand, in front of me. His hand, in front of me. His hand, in front of me. His hand -

I burst out laughing.

Looking as if I had just screamed in a library, the boys of Group D Looked at me.

"Caveman," I finally gasped out, "You put _salt_ on your cereal!"

The Caveman frowned slightly as he lowered the jar and looked at it. Then he took a little pinch of the white sprinkles between his fingers, and licked it off.

"Nuh; this is sugar," he proclaimed, glancing at me as if fearing for my taste-buds' lives.

_I_ frowned. Slowly, I reached forward for the jar in front of me.

Squid suddenly choked; his spoon fell onto the table with a clatter and he ran off.

"OI!" X-Ray yelled after him angrily, "How many times have I told you that everyone must stay at the table until we've all finished eating? RUDE!"

Still very slowly, I unscrewed the lid off the jar. Then I changed my mind and had another bite of my cereal.

Now that I think about it... it tastes kind of...

..._Salty?_

Shuddering a little, I took a pinch of whiteness between my fingers from the jar and licked it off.

...**_Urgh_****_._**

"SQUID!" I screamed, "WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THE SALT?"

Yeah, I _know_ he made the grand escape from the Mess Hall and is probably writing up his will, but I still needed to yell.

I mean, who the jelly confuses salt and sugar?

Okay, okay... so the jars weren't labelled and they look pretty much identical.

AND DO NOT BLAME THIS ON ME! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW - I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONFUSE SALT AND SUGAR!

But of course, Squid does not.

The boys were snickering, and I glared at them.

"Not funny, _Jan,_" I hissed between clenched teeth. It's about one of the first times I've ever said anything through clenched teeth, and believe me, it's really weird.

"Isn't it "not happy, Jan"?" Zigzag the maniac asked with a grin.

More laughter followed as I stuck out my tongue, wailing.

"You need to grow up, 'lil girl."

--

A/N: Hi everyone! I know a lot of you are concerned that this fic will turn into a complete Squid/OC shipper, but IT WILL NOT! I only added a dose of romance for good measure. :) The fic is supposed to show friendship and character change in Andii's posh character. Basically, she'll find that outsiders (people who don't live in Palmoilin) aren't all bad. It will show friendship bonds between Andii and the guys of D-tent, and friendships between D-tent as well. So yeah, don't be concerned because there won't be a lot of romance throughout the entire story. Maybe at the end... xD

I'm sorry if I usually end the chapter with Andii a little angry at the boys. It's became a habit of mine, lol. The way to see it is that she's not actually _angry_... just exaggerating her irritation. I do that all the time. Andii's pretty much based on me. Yes, that is how I think and act pretty much all the time.

I'm really glad you all find this so funny. Nice to know I'm lighting up a few people's lives. Oh, and Palmoilin is just a place I made up. It was inspired by the show "The O.C."

OOOH! And SquiddlyGurl, when I read "Mr. Flash-Happy" I could NOT stop laughing. Later, I told my friend about it and I cracked up laughing over it all over again, but she just gave me this weird look and said, "You're easily amused." Well... maybe I am. So what? Hehe... that still makes me laugh.

Overall, thanks for all your reviews. It's so sweet of you. And no flames too... wonderful. Still, there may be some to come! Hey, that rhymed. Hehe... tally ho... - msq.


	7. Still Treating: ZIGZAG

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

Note: Hello! When you see the mention of "Mr. Flash-Happy", the credit all goes to SquiddlyGurl! I hope you don't mind me using it!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Seven ll Still Treating: ZIGZAG**

--

"Okay, okay... Well - "

"MUG!"

"...Uhhh, okay then. So anyway - "

"CASHEW!"

"...MY FATHER -"

"SPATULA!"

"_Can you stop yelling out random things_?" Zigzag yelled at me, finally losing it.

"GORILLA! GARDEN RAKE! CALENDAR!" I shouted, giggling hysterically.

Zigzag gave me a long, hard stare that seemed to penetrate my very bones. It was very creepy, like he's reading my mind or something.

But if he _was_ reading my mind, all he'd receive is, "HI! My name is Joe, I have a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory - "

Bwahahahahahahaha.

"Will you just listen to me?" he asked in an irritated voice, "You asked, after all. For that little interview thing?"

I immediately glared at him, "What are you on about? Just answer the question already! Or rather, RESPOND to the statement." Angrily, I shoved Zigzag's form onto my notebook and put the point of my pen on the line next to _PAST._

Zigzag was staring at me, speechless and bewildered.

_(NOTE: BOYS DO NOT ACT LIKE HARDCORES AND TOUGHIES.)_

"Well?" I snapped at him, "Hurry up!"

Aww, the poor boy looked so lost and confused that I felt sorry for him.

Hehe. I love acting as if it's the other persons' fault (when it's actually mine) and being angry. It really gets to them, and they feel so hopeless and confused.

I mean, if I was Zigzag at the moment, I'd love to thwack me in the head with a... wooden spoon. I know I'm being really annoying, but it is soo much fun! Hahahaha.

Ha.

HAHAHAHA.

"Um - err - okay," Zigzag spluttered, still looking confused. He lowered his shovel and began his life story.

"Well, you already know a bit of it. My dad was abusive and my mum was drunk _all the time._ Dad went off and remarried when I was nine, and mum took the change of life pretty badly. I think it was when I was ten - " Zigzag paused and looked thoughtful, "Yeah! I was ten and mum threw her first beer bottle at me. Because - err - I said something before thinking it out properly. Anyway, the bottle missed my head and after that I run away."

I stood there, gawking at him, but he continued, quite unperturbed.

"I camped out on the streets for a few nights; nasty people appear when it grows dark. I had to stay up half the night to make sure I wasn't beaten to pulp by gangsters. I remember that I became jumpy after that, always making sure no one was following me," Zigzag half-shrugged. "Social Services found out about me running away, and they didn't send me back to my mum. They sent me to this temporary foster home."

Shudder. Foster homes. I'd hate to live in one of them. You're in a strange house full of strange people who are acting strangely nice towards you.

"The couple was very nice, but soo dang strict. They had about fifty billion rules, and if you broke any of them, you got weird punishments like no dessert, or no TV. Because I was only staying there for about - what, three months? - I tried to be a good boy. I _tried_ following all the rules, but I'd always end up breaking at least one of them a day. That totally sucked."

Whoever said punishments like no dessert or no TV are weird? All kids in Palmoilin suffer those dire consequences if they break any of the Golden Rules!

But I didn't say anything. After all, I have barely, if not any, knowledge of the outside world. I'm pretty ignorant.

And… proud of it?

"It was hard not breaking at least five of them a day, so I carried around a pocketbook with all the rules in it, and I made sure that before I did anything, I consulted my book first. Kids at school kept calling me paranoid, but I'm not risking getting another bottle chucked at my head," Zigzag said with another half shrug.

_(NOTE: Some kids have been scarred for life as a glass bottle nearly came into contact with their head.)_

"Oh, yes, that's quite important," I said knowledgably, nodding my head so vigorously that my neck started to hurt, "Glass bottles smashing on your head could produce difficulties in REMEMBERING things."

Staring at me oddly, Zigzag continued, "Well, this temporary foster home became my permanent one. I guess you want to hear what I did that sent me here? Well, I burnt down a classroom."

My jaw dropped open and my hand suddenly died. Well, not literally. But I _had_ been writing down a shortened version of Zigzag's past when he dropped the bombshell and my hand just went limp.

"You _did?_" I said incredulously, "Wicked! I'd love to do that!"

Looking unfazed and amused, Zigzag said, "Yeah. The flames were really pretty. It was a portable classroom. I set it on fire because bad stuff always happened in it. It was like it was... cursed. If you were quiet, you could hear voices plotting to kill you. It was creepy, so I took some chemicals from the science department and splashed it all over the furniture. No one was around; it was lunch time."

"I hate chemicals and science," I found it necessary to say.

"They're mad," Zigzag said, his eyes bulging out at me, "Explosions and smoke! What more could you want? Hmph. Well anyway, I had a lighter on me that I nicked from my real mum when I was younger. Man, the place just roared up in flames. It was like, 'Take that, cursed classroom!' Too bad this foreign teacher came over at the wrong moment and started screaming in some language. Next thing I know, the police was there and I'm sent to court. Fortunately the classroom completely burned down, so they're rebuilding it. Evil spirits have a way of lurking back into half-burnt classrooms, you know."

I blinked. And blinked again. Zigzag blinked at me.

He definitely has issues.

"That's fabulous, Zigzag, really," I said as earnestly as I dared, "Can I just ask you something? Why are you so..." I had my doubts in saying the world 'paranoid', "...nervous? And jumpy? I mean, you sort of explained it when you talked about the rules your foster family had, and being scared of people beating you up, but... I still don't get it."

Zigzag Looked at me for a moment, and I was so scared that he'd suddenly strike up his shovel and start chasing me across the desert. But he gave a grim smile, "You know, I've always wondered why none of the other dudes ever asked me that. So I thought I was acting normal. But maybe they're just being nice."

AHA! I'm about to figure out his Deep Dark Secret. Yes, capitalised and... capitalised.

"Umm," he looked like he was straining his memory, "I was pretty young... five or something. My parents had some good friends. They had a son that was my age, and he was my best friend. The only best friend I ever had, actually. Well, he was kidnapped for ransom, then he was killed."

Horrified, I gave a gasp and clapped my hand over my mouth. Zigzag was talking in a voice that was hollow, as if none of this brought any emotion and feeling to him. I mean, he was _five_, and his best friend was _kidnapped_ and _murdered_. How horrible.

I just looked at him, my heart throbbing with sympathy.

Ziggy blinked for a moment, then said, "The kidnapper turned out to be his beloved uncle. And I thought, if someone that close to you is actually capable of kidnapping you and killing you just for _money,_ then who else could you trust?"

Things began to make sense...

"So I started watching my back and I didn't make any friends. I told a lot of lies about myself so that no one could take me away from my home and kill me. I stopped trusting people. In a way, I turned my back to the world to ensure my own safety. If I don't be careful, _they_ will come and get me, just like they got Robbie."

I gave a hearty sniff as a pathetic tear fell down my face.

"That's - so - sad," I blubbered out as more tears welled up in my eyes.

Zigzag looked horrified, "I - uhh - I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay!" I blurted out, more tears running down my cheeks.

"What's wrong with the 'lil girl?" I heard Squid ask.

"She's CRYING!" Armpit yelled, sounding surprised.

"AWW! Poor baby!"

Aww, sugar. Just what I need. A bunch of mothering juvenile delinquents. But I caught Zig's wry smile of understanding and I managed a wobbly one back. I knew he was grateful for my sympathy. Maybe it's something he needs more often.

--

When Zigzag finished his hole, I walked back with him to the compound. I was _very_ tired because Magnet had asked me if I wanted to play tag, and I agreed (FOR SOME INSANE REASON), and it turned out to be a _huge_ mistake because Magnet's a very fast runner. Something about jogging for fifty billion hours a day with his pet dog.

I was seriously looking forward to taking a luxurious shower, then just lounging in my tent for a little while, so I felt happier and skipped merrily towards my orange tent after bidding Zigzag farewell at the "library".

My denim backpack was hanging askew on my shoulder and felt like it weighed a million tonnes. I was agitatedly carrying my sky-blue notebook and had my pen tucked between my ear.

I pushed the orange flap of my tent open, and was greeted by someone going, "AIIYEEEAAHHH!" and throwing off all these Jackie Chan moves.

I didn't even have the energy to scream as I stood there, nonplussed, and the person continued going "HOI! YAH!" and kicked and punched the air. I watched, mildly impressed, while they delivered all these way cool moves. I was reminded of little kids in karate lessons.

Heh, they are so cute.

Finally, they finished off with a kick that stopped about an inch from my face. They held their foot there and I blinked dazedly, vaguely knowing that I had escaped being kicked in the face by an inch.

"Hi," I said lamely. It was a very odd situation.

The person lowered their foot and their upraised arms in combat mode drooped.

IT WAS A GIRL!

GASPSHOCKHORROR.

Oh, great, now I'm turning into those delinquents. Shocked at seeing a girl.

The first thing I realised about this girl was how brilliantly blue her eyes were. They were so _pretty_! I'd eat brussel sprouts to have eyes like those!

"Who are you?" she demanded, glaring at me.

I had no idea why she was so peeved, but I didn't want to bite her head off because she's taller and, by the looks of it, older than me. She probably also has a black or gold or whatever-the-heck-the-colour-is belt in kung fu.

As opposed to my martial arts skills that are non-existent.

I was saved in having to answer the Million Dollar Question by the Warden who poked her head in. I felt like going "SAVED!" but that would be most rude to this stranger. Seeing the Warden made me realise that she and this newcomer looked strangely alike.

They both have red hair, for starters.

"What's this racket all about?" the Warden woman said, with a slight frown. She spotted me and smiled, "Oh, hello Andii. Nadine, this is Andii. She's the girl the AG sent to inspect the camp. I hope you weren't rude..." she looked pointedly at the blue-eyed girl.

"I wasn't really, Aunt Lou," the girl said politely yet in a bored voice.

"Good," the Warden turned to me, "Andii, this is Nadine. She's my niece. My sister and her husband take this annual trip to the snow but Nadine can't stand cold weather... So every year, she stays with me for a week. I'm afraid she'll have to stay with you in your tent for tonight, as there are a few difficulties in my cabin... But it'll only be for one night."

I nodded, not really absorbing much information. Just tired. Very tired.

"Good. Well, you two girls have fun."

The Warden left, and I gazed at Nadine who gave me a wary look.

"Andii?" she asked me slowly, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes," I walked past her and over to my crates. I noticed another airbed, a blue one, a few feet away from mine, as well as some bags and foreign clothes.

"Geez, it's so hot here," I heard Nadine complain, "I hate the snow and the wind and the rain, but coming here is going too far! How my aunt can stand the heat, I don't know..."

I hid a smile as I collected some clean clothes.

"You're that inspector girl, right?" Nadine asked me, walking towards her bed and sitting on it.

"Yup," I replied, also sitting on my bed. We were facing each other.

"My aunt's obsessed with impressing you," she said matter-of-factly, waving back her red hair, "But then, her career lies in the hands of you. That's pretty cool, actually. You're holding a lot of power. Anyway, what do you do here for entertainment? Other than take boring notes and write long and pointless reports, that is. Do you hang out with any of the boys?"

HUH? She talks even more than me, and much faster. My slower intelligence was finding it hard to keep up with her.

But I got the general picture.

"Well, I'm assigned to report on the boys of D-tent..." I said slowly.

"Those delinquents?" Nadine grinned and laughed, "How hilarious."

"You call them delinquents too?" I asked, surprised. HOW DARE SHE STEAL MY WORD FOR THOSE STUPID DELINQUENTS!

Nadine gave me a surprised look, "Of course I do, that's who they are. Oh, you must be really new. Come on, I'll show you." She stood up and beckoned me as she walked out of my tent. Not really expecting anything, I followed her.

"Okay, over here," she led me towards the six grey canvas tents, and we stopped in front of A-tent. I was a bit paranoid of that tent because of Mr. Flash-Happy, so I made sure I was three feet away from the entrance.

"Those are the Assholes," Nadine said, pointing at A-tent. She moved down and stopped in front of B-tent, "Those are the Bastards."

Kind of shocked and amused, I followed her.

"Crooks, Delinquents and the Ex-Cons." C-tent, D-tent, E-tent.

"Wicked nicknames," I said before I could stop myself.

To my surprise, Nadine smiled, "Yeah, eh? But it's true. A-tent's full of assholes. They are so bloody annoying and perverted," (Oh, I agree with you there!) "And B-tent are bastards. You won't find any people more racist and sexist. C-tent is full of guys who committed petty crimes like fraud and stealing and blackmailing. Crooks, they are. D-tent... well, they aren't all delinquents. Just dolts, I guess. You know how they are, anyway. E-tent's gangster. They're dangerous and they know all the 'bad ways'. They were mostly sent here for fighting and beating the pulp out of their opponent. You don't want to mess with them. Just like Ex-Convicts."

I was surprised. Listening to Nadine, D-tent seemed like the best tent, which wasn't very comforting.

"You seem like you know your stuff," I said, staring at her.

"Well, you would too, if you've been here every year since you were seven. The boys, of course, always change. But for some reason, the new ones end up in the tent where they belong, almost. It's like a perverted freak was meant for A-tent."

Well, that was nicely phrased. _(NOTE TO SELF: Remember that the boys here are criminals.)_

Okay, so I'm not _that_ dense that I've completely forgotten that, but D-tent's not that bad. In fact... I kinda like them.

Oh... this is starting to scare me.

I went to take a shower afterwards, mentally singing, "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her." Nadine went to the Wreck Room to hang out with "the Crooks".

I arrived at the Wreck Room with my dark brown hair neatly woven into braids (it had taken me over an hour) and a cornflower blue tank top. Nadine was sitting in the middle of a couch in the corner of the room, surrounded by boys from other tents I had never met before. She was smiling a lot and chatting animatedly.

I was a little disconcerted. Who would want to flirt with _those_ guys?

"Hey, 'lil gal!" I heard someone yell from the pool corner.

It was X-Ray. He beckoned me over, and I quickened my pace.

"Yo, chicka!" Armpit said lazily, lounging on the sofa next to Zero.

"Hi," I greeted, plopping into an armchair opposite them.

"Want to play pool?" Squid piped up from the pool table.

I shook my head, "I dunno how to play."

"I'll teach you!"

"Oh, no you won't!" I said hastily, "I suck at it. I'm absolutely horrible. I'll probably burn down the table - " Zigzag shot me a bemused look, " - or swallow the eight ball, or _something._"

"No you won't, now come on," Squid said persistently. I gave in and got up from my comfy chair. I stood there and glanced at Squid, who handed me what looked like an oversized wand.

"Okay now, all you have to do is position your stick properly..." Squid bent down with his pool stick and squinted as he "positioned it exactly".

I tried copying him, but it was hard. I could hear the other D-tent boys muttering ominously about Nadine, and to tell you the truth, I am rather fond of gossiping.

Oh come on, you can't tell me you're not.

"Alright then, it's all the matter of jabbing it like - _this_ - " Squid said absently, concentrating hard. He gave his stick a little jab and the red ball in front of him gently rolled to the left.

Beaming, he straightened up and looked expectantly at me, "You try."

"Uhh, okay..." Very unsure, I shifted my pool stick in the "right position".

"No - not like that - _no_ - yeah, like that - _leave it!_" Squid said irritably, grabbing and releasing my arms every few seconds as he helped me. It's very distracting, you know, and I felt like poking him with the stick.

_Finally_, I got it right. Squid looked pretty exhausted as he slumped in the armchair I had originally been sitting in. I noticed Nadine was sitting with the "delinquents". It looked like a few of them didn't recognise her. Like Magnet, Caveman and Zero. Anyway, she was talking to them cheerfully with a nice smile on her face. X-Ray seemed displeased that he was stuck with talking to the redhead, but Zigzag was making some effort to be nice.

I was waiting for Squid's instructions.

"Hey, Squid!" I heard Nadine's voice somewhere above my head.

"Hey, Nad," Squid replied, "Here again? We missed you."

Nadine giggled, "Missed you, too."

"Squid?" I said helplessly. My muscles were getting sore from staying so rigidly in one position.

"Oh, yeah - give it a good-natured jab."

_Here goes nothing._

Squeezing my eyes shut, I sharply pushed my stick forward and screamed at what happened next. The stick dug hard into the felt and cut it clear across; I lost control and flailed back, the stick giving a sharp flick to my right and hitting Squid right in the face.

"OW!"

"Ohmygiddyaunt!" I gasped, dropping my stick at once and clamping my hand on my mouth, "I'm so sorry!"

"Squid-boy's down!" X-Ray yelled, leaping from his seat and jumping at Squid, "You okay, man?"

Squid blinked several times. "Yeah - I think so," he said thickly, holding his hands up to his head.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I squealed, jumping up and down anxiously.

"Young miss, go to your room," X-Ray and Magnet instructed together, pointing me out of the Wreck Room.

Sulking, I murmured another "sorry" to Squid before marching out. However, on my way, I was confronted by Mr. Flash-Happy.

OHMYGIDDYAUNT CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?

Let's see. I cry over a delinquent's past. Almost get massacred by a feminine Jackie Chan who has red hair and brilliant blue eyes. Then I smack a pool stick into Squid's face.

Now I'm about to be attacked by a perverted flasher.

Please don't mind me.

I'm a (almost) fourteen-year-old with a cooties-related thing against boys, and a wild imagination.

I stared at Mr. Flash-Happy, feeling very scared. Well, at least he has his pants on.

_(NOTE: Boys should have all appropriate articles of clothing on at ALL times.)_

"Hey, chick," he greeted me, smiling in a cocky way. His grey-blue eyes were sparkling maliciously.

One of his A-tent mateys came over and stood beside him, "Hey, this the chick you showed all?" he asked Mr. Flash-Happy with a chortle of laughter.

"Yep."

"The Inspector Girl!"

"Yep, the one and only."

More laughter.

"Excuse me, I really need to go because I got sent to my room," I said feebly, stepping forward. But Mr. Flash-Happy grabbed my arm.

Well, enough's enough! Cecily told me _never_ to let a stranger boy touch me, because he's likely to pull up your dress and flash your knickers to everyone.

_He_ may have a line of flashing ancestry, BUT I DO NOT AND HE WILL NOT BLACK-MARK MY PURE ANCESTRY OF NON-FLASHABLES.

So I screamed.

Silence. It was like the whole world had stopped just for me. I felt a little honoured.

Then there was an uproar.

"OI!" Squid hollered, leaping up, "I thought I told you not to go near her again!"

"Let _go_ of her!" Caveman said loudly to the whacky A-tenter.

"Get off her!" X-Ray yelled.

"Don't touch her," Magnet said dangerously.

More A-tenters had grouped around me, and Mr. Flash-Happy was still holding onto me.

The other tents were silent as they witnessed this wonderful sensation. Oh, the poor dears. They _must_ lead such melancholy lives.

"Please... LET GO OF ME!" I screamed the last part in the blonde's ear, and he swore and released me at once.

"YOU SWORE IN FRONT OF HER!" Zigzag shouted, "YOU SWORE IN FRONT OF THE 'LIL GIRL!"

"Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, _run_!" Caveman sang, glaring at me because I was not getting the clue.

Then it clicked.

"Oooh!" I said knowledgably, nodding over to show my appreciation.

I ran.

Then I stopped, because I realised that I had been running all day from Magnet while we were playing tag, and I didn't _wanna_ run anymore because I'm going to feel very tired, and all I wanna do is sit and eat ice cream but that won't happen because there's no ice cream at Camp Green Lake, and if there is, it SUCKS.

I looked back over and to my surprise, did not see World War III breaking out between D-tent and A-tent. In fact, all thirteen boys were gathered around Squid, who looked like he was telling a story to a group of toddlers.

"Now, have we not heard the tale of the birds and the bees?" Squid swept a look of scorn over at Mr. Flash-Happy, who Hung His Head in Shame, "Well, let me tell it. Once upon a time - "

What.

An.

_Idiot._

Squid stopped short because he noticed me giving him a weird look.

"Go to your room, 'lil girl! You don't hear this till your older."

I made a face at him.

"Alright, that's it, young miss, _go to your room_," Squid ordered, pretending to be outraged.

I made another face and marched back to my tent. I sighed and sank on my airbed, feeling my stomach grumble. I wanted dinner, and that's a first. Glancing around, I noted that my tent seemed to have shrunk, but I knew it was just because of Nadine's airbed and bags.

I fell back on my bed and felt something come into contact with my head, other than my pillow.

'Twas Clover, my stuffed cow.

"Enjoying it here?" I asked him dully, picking him up in my arms and cradling him. When I got no response, I sat up, rubbed the back of my head and reached over for my denim bag. I dragged it over and pulled out my notebook.

Rubbing off the dust, I set Clover beside me and flicked open to the page on Zigzag. I re-read his past and crime and to my relief, did not cry over it.

Reading about other people's past made me think of home. Not Palmoilin, to be exact, but mum, dad, Cecily, Claudette...

I really, really miss them. They're wonderful people. I miss Mum's lame but humorous attempts to become a teenage girl again, so she can gossip with me and Claude. I miss Dad's obsession with football and him parading around the house with a jersey on, yelling some sort of football war cry. I miss Cecily's wide, innocent brown eyes and her way of expressing things only a four-year-old could. I miss Claude's reports on who's hot and who's not and further complaints on how she think she's overweight when she's as skinny as a pole with the Japanese flag on top.

I miss grandma's cooking and her constant nagging at me to dance with her to some Beatles' song. I miss grandpa's stories about Werther's Original caramel drops. I miss my friends. All of them. I miss my class at my school - they always make me laugh. I miss -

Okay, I better stop thinking about them or I'm going to get really sad.

I shook my head clear and steadily wrote some extra notes about Camp Green Lake I had thought about during the day. Then I heard a faint rippling and some sort of scratchy noise.

I turned to Clover, "I'm not daydreaming, am I?"

Clover seemed quite content to stare at me.

With a sigh, I looked back up as the noise grew a little louder and more consistent. I froze when I saw the entrance flap protrude in slightly, as if someone on the outside was knocking on it.

_DING!_

That was a light bulb in my head, not a microwave.

_Someone was knocking on my tent door!_

Pleased that I had figured this out all by myself, I gathered Clover up in my arms for support and went up to the entrance and opened the flap, revealing the person outside.

It was Zero.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully, though I was a bit surprised. I stepped aside so that Zero could walk in.

"Hello," he said quietly, looking sheepish.

"Come in," I said, sounding oddly like my mother when she welcomes Very Annoying Guests into our house.

Zero slipped in quietly, and he looked around, awed.

"Welcome to my tent!" I said chirpily.

"It's... nice," Zero said, looking around, still wide-eyed.

I grinned. He's so small and looks so cuddly! Like a teddy bear.

I wondered why he was in here.

"Hey, has Squid finished with the "birds and the bees" story?" I asked him, only _half_-sarcastically.

Zero gave me a small smile as he stared at Nadine's airbed, "No. He was about to get to the good part when he spotted me and sort of had a seizure. He said that - " Zero screwed up his face and imitated Squid, "_ 'Lil boys shouldn't hear this either until they're older. Go to your room.'_ "

I laughed at his imitation. It sounded just like Squid.

I picked up my journal and began an entry, motioning for Zero to sit down.

I noticed him staring at Clover.

Beaming, I put down my fluffy pink pen and picked up Clover, holding it out to him.

"Meet Clover! He's my very best friend in the world, apart from Claudette and Mr. Pendanski."

"Mr. Pendanski's your best friend?" Zero said incredulously, though his eyes lit up as he took Clover lovingly in his arms, like Cecily did when she was reunited with Snuffles, The Fifty Billion Year Old Teddy Bear she's had since she was but a wee lass.

I grinned, "It's just an inside joke between me and - well, me."

Zero was holding Clover as if he was made out of cookie dough, which is exactly the attention my dear, stuffed cow needs. I'm sorry to say I've been neglecting him a bit.

OOOOH! I REPENT, I REPENT. PLEASE FORGIVE ME, OH MIGHTY ONE! I BOW DOWN TO YOUR FEET! I GRAVEL OR GROVEL OR WHATEVER PUMBAA ENDS UP SAYING.

Clover: ((evilly)) Yes, bow down to me. All shall love me and smother me with washing detergent! ((cackles))

Yeah. Right.

Clover will _never_ take over the world.

"I used to have a stuffed giraffe," Zero was saying quietly, breaking into my thoughts of my innocent childhood toy becoming a terrorizing inanimate object.

"Really?" I said gently, with a small smile, "My friend, Sammy, loves giraffes. Her bedroom is a jungle, and all you can see is giraffes poking their heads out of her pillow. Pretty dandy. She wanted a real giraffe but her parents said no because their backyard wasn't big enough to support one. Anyway, where is this stuffed giraffe of yours? Is it here?"

Zero looked a little dizzy and it took him ten seconds to follow up on what I was saying. I waited patiently, because I'm used to getting this reaction from people I'm not entirely friendly with or have just met. If I had been talking to Claudette or one of my friends, they'd have just gone, "Slow down and shut up!"

"Oh... I lost Jaffy when I was younger," he blinked sadly as he absently cuddled Clover in his arms.

Awww!

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said quietly, looking at my notebook and staring at the big bold letters that said: **RANDOM NOTES ON ZIGZAG**.

Zero just shrugged.

"It's too bad," I continued, "Clover would've liked to meet Jaffy, I'm sure! Clover always takes a liking to nice stuffed animals whose owners are nice people."

I looked at Zero, encouraging him to smile, and he did.

Grinning like an idiot, I tugged my overnight (not my denim!) bag towards me. I pulled out my pyjamas and extra hairbrush, while looking for some gum I knew I had stashed in there. Something fell out while I was poring through my bag, and Zero picked it up.

"Who's this?" he asked.

I looked at what had dropped out and realised it was a small framed picture of Cecily.

"Oh, that's my younger sister!" I said, beaming, "I'd forgotten I brought a photo of her..."

"She looks nice," Zero commented, fingering the frame of photo.

"Well, she can be a bit of a brat but she's a wicked sister. I'm sure she'd like you. She's in this hair stage. She plays with all sorts of hair. Mum's hair, her friends' hair... heck, even dad's hair. And she'd just love your hair. She'd comb it all up and tie ribbons, then she'd use her blunt scissors to chop off some curls according to her taste. Maybe then she'll move onto cosmetics. I can just imagine you with lipstick!" I said bubbly.

Zero looked scared and he set the photo of Cecily down carefully.

"That's... nice," he said, his eyes shifting everywhere, "Do you wanna go back now? I'm sure Squid's finished his story."

"Yeah, okay," I agreed, giving up on my search for my gum. I got up and glanced at my reflection in the mirror, making sure I looked okay. Then Zero and I left my tent, where X-Ray, Armpit and Magnet were waiting outside.

"Hey, chicka," Magnet greeted me, "We were just comin' to get you."

"Really? Why?"

"That cow of the Warden's niece," X-Ray growled.

Magnet and Zero cast him a wary glance.

Magnet said with a small sigh, "I don't fancy that - that _girl_ either."

For a moment I thought he was talking about me, but then I realised he must be talking about Nadine.

"I think she's nice," I said defensively.

"She's alright," X-Ray said fairly, his face mingled, "But I don't like her, anyway. She has a way of making you feel inferior. "

"Apparently she said some racial remark against black people last time she came," Magnet explained to me.

"This is the first time you've met her, right?" I asked Magnet, confused, "And you too?" I rounded on Zero.

They both nodded.

Armpit made an angry hissing noise, "Second time I've had the displeasure. Hopefully the last. "

X-Ray nodded vigorously, "She was here when I first came to this camp, y'know? The second time she came, Zig, Pit and Squid were with me. Magnet, Caveman and Zero weren't here yet."

"Oh, yeah, I remember," Armpit squinted in concentration, "Leader of D-tent was still Blade. And we still had those weirdo twins, Tempest and Drizzle."

_Huh?_

"They were the only twins thecamp ever had. Came here on the same day for the same reason. They were identical to the last freckle, 'cept Tempest had dyed his hair purple. But, man, they had different tempers. Tempest blew up when he got ticked off. Raged like a hurricane. Drizzle was so calm I thought he was stoned. If anything riled him up, he just muttered to himself and ate."

"That's nice," I said slowly. The history of D-tent is not going to improve my history grades back at school, so I found no point in listening to this, thought it _is_ quite interesting.

"Ya know," Armpit said suddenly, frowning a little as we walked towards the Wreck Room, "They were psychos. Sometimes they argued 'cos their pillows were too hot or somethin', then they'd be like, arguin' that the food had too much water in it and that water was supposed to be used for floods an' storms. The weirdest one was when they were sayin' Blade was gay and had a thing against gay people cos like, they liked gays that were their own kind, but shouldn't he _not_ have a thing 'gainst gays cos he _is_ one, and also it's discrimination and Blade hated all kinds of discrimination and he'd be hypocritical."

"I wish I met them!" I blurted out, having managed to understand every single word Armpit said, "They sound so _mad_!"

Magnet shook his head, "Glad they were long gone when I came here."

"Not too long gone," X-Ray said, still scowling over Nadine, I presume, "You replaced them. Barfy came when Blade finished up his sentence, then the twins finished their sentence and you came. Then Zero. Then Barfy decided to try to kill himself so Caveman replaced him."

"Very nice," I said vaguely, nodding my head, "_WHAT?_ Who tried to kill himself?"

X-Ray waved it off, "No one. Now, 'lil gal, when we get back to the Wreck Room, Squid would have finished his little story and answerin' questions from curious teenagers, so I don't want you asking anythin' 'bout that topic. You'll learn about it when you're older. Same thing applies to you, Zero."

I rolled my eyes. Oh, _please_. Sex Ed. _is_ a compulsory part of the ninth grade syllabus.

"Do not even hint 'bout the subject," X-Ray continued complacently as we reached the door, "I don't wanna _hear_ any words that might be associated with it. We don't need another explanation and lesson from the almighty Squid - " at this, all of us except Zero rolled our eyes, " - and the rest of the camp don't need to hear 'bout it. Got it?"

"Yes, mother," I said meekly, as X-Ray walked forward and pushed the door.

When we walked in, we did not find the boys doing their regular relaxation activities. Well, most of them were. A-tent and D-tent were still sitting in a circle on the floor, as if they were playing Duck, Duck, Goose (I _love_ that game!) Squid was sitting at the head of the circle, as it seemed, and was speaking loudly.

"...so never, _ever_ try it without contraception - "

X-Ray immediately backed out, forcing us (me, Pit, Magnet and Zero) to stumble out as well.

"Hey, what gives - ?" Armpit started angrily.

X-Ray, looking confused and sheepish, slammed the door shut, "Maybe we shouldn't go in there yet..."

Magnet and Armpit immediately grinned. Zero gave a small smile.

Me?

I tried keeping a straight face.

But I burst out laughing.

Later, the boys joined in.

So there we were, laughing at a whole lot of...

Well, nothing.

--

A/N: Yo, hi! Can't talk much - this chapter's already 6000 words long and I don't want a long A/N to make things worse! Thanks for your reviews - please check out my Zero story (My Angel, My Only) and drop a review if you please. Sorry if Pit and X-Ray speak too proper - writing fanfic for Harry Potter gave me a bit of a British vocab. Next chapter: **Stop Work: MY BIRTHDAY!** - BYE BYE! LUV YOU ALL! - msq.


	8. Stop Work: MY BIRTHDAY!

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Eight ll Stop Work: MY BIRTHDAY!**

--

**SQUID'S POV.**

When Pendanski blows that stupid trumpet, it usually signals the beginning of our day. Y'know, like an alarm clock for the entire camp to hear.

It's got a weird effect on D-tent; Ziggy shoots up like a rocket and begins zooming around, getting 'dressed'. X-Ray, and there's no other word for it, is _cool._ You probably think I'm an idiot, saying that people can actually wake up _coolly_, but you haven't seen X-Ray get up. So calm. I mean, the world could be terrorised by jars of jam and X-Ray would still wake up with that _cool_ elegance. So suave.

Magnet mutters and buries his face in his pillow, rolling on his side and usually falling onto the floor. Armpit and Caveman get up normally. Y'know, with the whole sleepy eyes, yawning, rubbing their face, messing up their hair even more...

Zero sits up and stays there for about a minute before tuning back to Planet Earth.

And me? I'd like to think I get up normally. It's the whole, orderly process of waking up, getting ready, eating breakfast and diggin' holes.

But now I've got one exciting thing to do before eating breakfast. I have to wake up the 'lil girl.

The first morning she was here, D-tent was in a pretty shifty mood because of her and her little snide remarks to Zig. I, of course, will always stick up for my dudes, but I could see her side of it, too.

Anyway, the next morning, I woke up to the sound of the trumpet. And D-tent woke up as per usual.

"Auggh, _nooo_," came Magnet's muffled curse, and then there was a thump as he rolled onto the floor.

Caveman chuckled quietly. He always does when Magnet falls off his cot. You'd think that he'd get sick of laughing, though.

When the guys headed over to the Mess Hall, I quickly walked towards the 'lil girl's tent.

Out of D-tent, I think the Caveman, Zero and I are the only ones who actually remember the 'lil girl's real name. Andromeda. Aaaandrromeddaa.

I don't think she really likes her name. Oh, that's cool. Now I'm gonna annoy her with it, but she looks like she hates " 'lil girl" more.

As I neared the bright, orange tent, I quickly decided on which song to annoy her with today. It usually means my death when I come along to wake her up. Most of the time, she comes flying out ready to beat me with a remote control or whatever other fancy gadgets she has in that tent of hers. Other times, she leaps out and sings with me.

You never know that girl. She suffers from IMS (Intense Mood Swings) and those sorts of people are very unpredictable.

"HEY SHORTY! Itsh your birthday, we're gonna party like itsh your birthday, we're gonna sip bicardi like itsh your birthday. And you know, we don't givva - "

The tent flap burst open and the 'lil girl flew out, wrapping her arms around my neck.

And by some miracle, she wasn't strangling me.

"It is! It is!" she squealed, jumping up and down happily.

"Wha?" I gasped, removing my toothpick so I wouldn't choke on it.

The 'lil girl released me, going, "It's my birthday! My birthday! I'm fourteen now! You can't call me a 'lil girl anymore! HA! Take that!"

"Fourteen?" I raised my eyebrows, taking this _exciting_ matter very coolly. "I'm still bigger than you."

To tell you the truth, apart from Zero, I'm the youngest in D-tent. I didn't even think it was possible until I learnt the other guys' ages and birthdays.

She rolled her eyes, "How old _are_ you?"

"I turned fifteen in June," I said slowly, sticking my toothpick back in and righting my cap. "So you're still a _'lil girl._"

"Shut _up_," the 'lil girl moaned. Then her face lit up and she began going, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

Me singing that song must've been one heck of a coincidence.

The Warden's niece came wandering out of the 'lil girl's tent, half-asleep and murmuring for us to be quiet as she needed her beauty sleep.

Andii (it gets a bit weird, thinking of her as the 'lil girl all the time) rolled her eyes while the Princess (Warden's niece) stalked back in, and then she grinned at me and began to chant, "I am fourteen, I am fourteen, I-AM-FOURTEEN!"

When she finally calmed down, she patted me on the back as if I had just been sentenced to a mental institute (where Zig belongs) and said she'd see me later at breakfast, IF I didn't drown in my cereal.

The 'lil girl thinks weird and acts like an eight-year-old.

I walked over to the Wreck Room, and sat in my usual spot after getting my breakfast. I glanced down at the bowl of cereal, feeling uneasy for no real reason. The milk looked evil and... EVIL.

Maybe the 'lil girl's magical and can tell the future.

That's it, I'm not eating this cereal.

I don't wanna drown.

"Hey, what's that on your back?" Magnet asked, peeling something stuck on my back.

Frowning, I grabbed it from him.

It was a pink post-it that read, "I'M A FREAK WHO SHOULD EAT BRUSSEL SPROUTS."

Ooooh. Only one person would write something like that.

I'm so gonna get that 'lil girl. I'll take her sandwich at lunchtime and swap it with the ugliest, sloppiest one I can find.

INSERT EVIL SMIRK.

Happy birthday, 'lil girl.

--

**ANDII'S POV.**

AHAHHAHAHA I'M NOT LOSING MY MIND BUT GUESS WHAT?

I'M FOURTEEN!

AHAHAHAHA.

I don't exactly want to be fourteen.

I think it _sucks._

Hmph.

JUST KIDDING! I'VE WANTED TO BE FOURTEEN FOR SOOOO LONG, BECAUSE ALL MY FRIENDS WERE MAKING A FUSS SAYING HOW I WAS SO YOUNG AND EVERYTHING.

THIS WILL SHOW THEM WHO'S KING!

Or Queen.

I whizzed through getting dressed and ready for my special day, after being woken up by Squid and sticking a fabulous post-it on his back. (Hehe.) Ignoring Nadine's insane muttering on how fat she was and how CGL's food is the best diet (personally, I agreed with her there), I said a chirpy good morning and bye to her before hastening towards the Mess Hall for breakfast.

To my surprise, I found the Warden sitting in my spot at the D-tent table. The other boys looked up at me from their bowls of cereal, grinning and saying incoherent greetings. Squid, I realised, was not eating at all. He was having a staring competition with his bowl of cereal, and I wondered what the matter with him was.

I've heard of girls being anorexic, but _guys?_

"Hello, Andii!" the Warden greeted me extra happily. "And happy birthday to you!"

I blinked. How had she known?

Then I remembered she had my form with all my info on it.

"It's your birthday?" X-Ray asked me incredulously.

I was about to nod when the Warden interrupted me, "Of _course_ it is, and we're all going to celebrate such a happy, happy event!"

Oopsie, looks like _someone's_ been hanging around Mr. Pendanski too much.

"But you don't care about our bir - " Zigzag started.

The Warden woman glared at him. Such an evil glare, that it shut the Incredible Juke Box.

Although the Incredible Juke Box is Squid... but that's beside the box.

I mean, point. That's beside the point.

Oh, _shut up._

"Andii, you'll have a very busy day today," the Warden gave me a huge smile. "Pendanski - go get her presents - " (_presents?_) " - I advise you, Andii dear, to finish asking Zigzag the questions right now, at this table. You don't want to ask him out in the desert, do you? Especially on your birthday."

I felt a bit dizzy, but nodded nonetheless.

"I'm not answerin' in front of you," Zigzag told her, his eyes bulging out slightly.

The Warden's mood seemed to change rapidly.

"Excuse me?" she said in a way I cannot describe, but which caused all seven boys of D-tent to flinch.

"Sorry," Zigzag mumbled.

Wow, that woman has power. But I have more power than her.

_(NOTE: The Warden woman does not seem as friendly as she was before. Mood swings, perhaps? Having an off day?)_

But no one can have an off day on my birthday! (BIG BEAM THERE.)

The Warden woman must've noticed the confused look on my face, because she gave me a curt nod, got out of my seat and walked away.

Quickly, I dashed off the finishing questions and Zigzag answered them promptly enough. When I had just finished, Mr. Pendanski came back with the Warden woman. They were both carrying lots of packages and letters.

"Andromeda Williams, special delivery," Mr. Pendanski said cheerfully, dumping all the stuff onto the breakfast table. The boys gawked at the pile of (presents?) as they removed their breakfasts to make room.

Feeling highly embarrassed, I was about to pick up a birthday card when the Warden woman shoved something into my hands.

It was a cell phone.

EEEK!

"I'm sure you'll find a nice surprise," she told me in a motherly voice. I noticed Nadine walking into the Wreck Room, looking rather ill-tempered.

"Whoa... a phone," I heard Magnet's awed voice.

"Don't even think about stealing it," came Armpit's lowered voice.

"Mmmm..."

I jumped as the phone suddenly vibrated and a piercing ring tone echoed around the Mess Hall.

Someone was calling.

And... I'm really confused.

I looked helplessly at the Warden. It was obviously her phone, and I wanted to know what I had to do with this odd gadget.

"Well, answer the phone!" she told me snappishly.

"Yeah, 'lil girl... Do you know how to do that?" Squid whispered.

"Oh, shut up," I snapped, and punched the CALL button defiantly.

Trembling, I lifted it to my ear.

"Hello?" I said nervously.

I jumped and lifted the phone fifteen centimetres away from my ear as I heard the response.

"ANDIIMANIA! OHMYGOODNESSIT'SYOUICAN'TBELIEVEITI'VEMISSEDYOUSOMUCH!"

Good holy sugar-honey-ice-and-tea. I don't want to be deaf, you know.

Wait... that voice... is familiar...

"Claude? CLAUDETTE?!" I shrieked into the phone, not caring that everyone was staring at me.

"YEAH! OH MY GOSH! ANDIIII! HOW ARE YOU? ANY CUTE GUYS? OOOH, YOU'RE SO LUCKY! Hey, did you hear that Mr. Willis is courting Miss Jep - OH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"Thanks," I said feebly, my voice cracking. (Though I wondered how Claude could be so hyper so early in the morning. She was definitely not a morning person the last time I saw her.)

I listened for five minutes while Claude babbled on about all the hot news I had missed, and I remembered all the times when I would tell her to be quiet because she would _never ever_ in her whole polka-dot bikini life shut up about all the juicy goss that happens in Palmoilin.

I welcomed it with my arms, now.

I had to say goodbye to her, though. And it was really hard on my part, hanging up on my best friend whom I won't see for a couple of weeks. She told me that everyone really missed me and absolutely couldn't wait for me to come back and how they wished me a happy birthday.

Then - BEEP.

We had hung up.

Breathing heavily, I slowly put down the phone and glanced at the delinquents who were looking at me, all of them looking astonishingly dimwitted.

"Who was _that_?" X-Ray asked me blankly.

"My best friend," I said, my voice a little hollow. I cannot believe it. I feel so _sad_.

On my _birthday._

_Sad_ on my _birthday_ just does not mix.

"GIRL SCOUTS!" came a bellowed growly-owly oath, "GET DIGGIN'!"

I whipped around and saw Mr. Sir, and all around, the boys scattered away.

Eager to DIG.

I jumped again as the Warden's cell phone rang (again) and I quickly answered.

"Hello?

"Hello Andii, sweetie!"

"MUM!"

I spent five minutes talking to each of my family member, so that it took me fifteen minutes, altogether.

By the time the lovely phone call was over, all the boys had left to start digging their holes.

Mr. Pendanski had moved all my (presents?) to my tent, so I was free to spend the day in there, just opening them. Actually, the Warden said I could do whatever I want. Staying in my pleasantly cool tent, away from the stupid, evil, cursed-heavens-above sun was a very tempting choice that I definitely would've done on my first day here, but I actually decided to travel into the desert to find the boys who I've befriended - sort of.

Aren't I so nice?

I made a quick trip to my tent just to grab my digi cam (hehehe), and saw that Nadine's airbed and possessions had gone. Instead, they had been replaced with the mountain of birthday gifts.

For me. Aww, I feel so special.

I went over to the Warden's cabin and knocked, just to let her know that I had decided to go to wherever D-tent were digging. Actually, I was hoping she would know and tell me, as well.

Hey, I'm not getting lost in the middle of a pancake on my fourteenth birthday.

Nadine answered the door, eating a bowl of cookies 'n' cream ice cream. She flashed me a nice smile and said happy birthday, then called for her aunt. The Warden came out with a package of candy, a package of cookies, several frozen chocolate bars and a bowl of double chocolate ice cream which I ate in the water truck as Mr. Pendanski drove me to my destination. Apparently, all the junk food was a present. A very thoughtful present.

On the drive towards the DESTINATION, Mr. Pendanski chattered non-stop. For once, I was speechless. He talked about everything; barbecues, barbie dolls, Elle Woods, Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillippe, England... and the list goes on.

To tell you the truth, I was quite relieved when we reached the digging site. I bid farewell to Mr. Pendanski, then struggled out of the water truck with all the food in my arms. The chocolate bars were already melting.

"Hey, chicka!" Armpit called, waving at me.

"We thought you ditched us!" Zigzag exclaimed as they ran up to me.

"Whoa, decent food!" Caveman said, his eyes lighting up.

I grinned, "Yeah, help yourselves."

In an instant, most of the chocolate bars were yanked here and there and up and down and south and north and inwards and outwards.

Poor, old delinquents. Deprived of junk food for months.

Oooh, please insert a shudder.

The boys all thanked me with toothy grins, and I couldn't help grinning back.

_CLICK._

Nor could I help taking a photo of them looking like eager, vivacious three-year-olds who's just gained access to Mummy's junk food pantry!

Soon, only Squid remained standing where I was, with the junk food on the ground. There was only one more chocolate bar left, and I felt my mouth water.

I just love chocolate. I cannot live without it. But I had some on the morning when I left for Camp Green Lake, and I'm sure Squid hasn't had any for ages.

Why am I being so nice?

"You take it," I said, my words tumbling out uselessly. Oh, how it killed me to say it.

Squid shook his head, "No... I don't wanna choke on it."

I quirked an eyebrow, "Are you paranoid as well?"

"No!" he exclaimed defiantly, "It's just that - that - well, I'm hungry!"

Heh, I could've done a somersault and danced the chicken dance, _while_ singing "fruit salad, yummy, yummy" in my utter confusion.

"How is that relevant?" I asked, frowning, "When you're hungry, you EAT!"

"No!" Squid looked like he was straining himself, "I'd rather be hungry than die!"

"You're not going to die! Chocolate can't kill you."

"But - you said this morning - that I'd drown in my cereal. And so I didn't eat it - and if I don't drown in my cereal - it means I'll die some way or other because of Evil Food - and - "

I paused and Looked at him. I had only said that he'd drown in his cereal to mess up his mind. But Squid looked so scared and confused that I wondered if he's been offered a place at The National Institute of Dramatic Art.

"Squid," I said, with a small sigh, "Come here."

It probably looked like I was going to give him a hug, so many of the delinquents looked at us in interest. Squid slowly came closer.

Then I grabbed his cap and walloped him across the head.

"I sure hope that knocked some sanity into you because you are _insane!_" I yelled at him, quite enjoying this because I was taller than him at the moment. (Mainly because he's crouching on the ground, but so what?)

Groaning, Squid glared at me and snatched his cap back, rubbing the side of his head where I had hit him.

"Could you please _not yell so loudly_? " he exclaimed irritably at me. "And perhaps _stop hitting me_!"

"Could you try _no_!" I shot back.

He gave a loud sigh that plainly indicated that he was fed up with me.

Ha. Andii - one. Squid - NIL.

"You're a mean 'lil girl..." he mumbled, straightening up.

I was going to yell, "Eat brussel sprouts, Cadet!" when Squid whirled around, pulled off my visor (he stole my idea!) and began to bash my left shoulder with it.

"One, two, three, four, five..." he was saying, grinning as he continued on jeopardizing my shoulder.

It took me exactly three point four-five-six-two-eight seconds to realise what he was doing.

He was giving me my birthday bashes.

"...ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, FOURTEEN. Aaaand one for next year. One for good luck, one for bad luck," Squid paused for a moment, then hit me again, "One for boyfriends, one for girlfriends - "

"HEY!" I yelled angrily. "I am _straight_!"

"I meant friend-friends, 'lil girl. And don't interrupt me. One for good times, one for bad times, one for eating, one for drinking..."

"You're just making these up, aren't you?" I asked him pointedly, yanking my shoulder away from him.

"Maybe."

"If I get a bruise, I'm suing you."

"Oh, I'm _so_ scared!"

"So you should be, Blockbuster," I said scathingly.

Squid grinned at me.

"Oi! I wanna give the chicka her birthday punches too!" I heard Magnet yelled.

"All in line, all in line!" X-Ray called as the delinquents rushed towards me so they could beat me up. "One at a time!"

Oh, _wonderful._

--

I bit into my tuna sandwich as I leant back against Zero's dirt pile. My journal was in my lap and I was in the middle of writing a very long entry.

Long since was the time I was afraid I'd get my clothes dirty. Although I _was_ sitting on Squid's tea towel.

Speaking of that Evil Punching Machine, he tried to swap my tuna sandwich around with Armpit's, which looked like a pile of cow dung. Of course, I outsmarted him, though that doesn't stop me from plotting revenge against him. I mean, who snatches innocent girl's lunches and make them look dismantled, all for no reason?

With the smallest traces of a smile on my face, I continued writing. I swallowed the last bit of my sandwich as Squid and Magnet appeared out of nowhere and plopped on either side of me.

"Hello, birthday girl," Squid greeted me, taking his apple out. "Enjoying your _beautiful_ sandwich?"

Rolling my eyes, I rummaged through my bag and pulled out my pad of pink post-its.

I wrote in big bold letters "IDIOT" on the top post-it and stuck it on his forehead.

Grinning, I leant back against the dirt pile and took out a chocolate chip cookie from my lunch sack.

Magnet snickered as Squid removed the post-it, pretended to be throwing it away and stuck it back on my nose as quick as you please.

"Hey!" I peeled it off and poked it back down on his shoulder.

"Well, I'm not the idiot," Squid retorted, pulling it away (though it wasn't necessary as it had lost most of its stickiness.)

He threw it at me, but I quickly let out a breath and it blew back towards him.

Hehehe, this is fun!

We remained like that for a minute, with Magnet's commentary aiding us.

"And the chicka puffs it back - but Squid unleashes a deathly blow - it goes whirring at the chicka - AND SHE BLOWS WITH ALL HER MIGHT! LOOK AT THAT PIECE-OF-PINK-PAPER-THING GO!"

Just as I was about to score a goal (right into Squid's mouth!) X-Ray came over and told us to quit it.

I sulked and returned back to my lunch and journal, but then Squid ever-so-lightly hit me on the cheek and said, "Oh yeah, and this one's for good grades at school."

I lifted my closed journal, brought it down on his head (lightly) and said, "This one's for being an overrated prick."

After lunch, I got up and walked around while my **_"FRIENDS"_** dug their holes. I noticed they were behaving strangely. Some of them were crouched around this dirt pile, while the others dug. Sometime later, they'd switch over.

Right before Zigzag had finished his three-foot hole, I figured out what they were up to.

They had made me a three-layer _dirt cake_.

"One, two, three - " Caveman said, as if he was striking up a band.

The next thing I heard was a truly horribly-put together choir.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR - "

" 'Lil girl."

" 'Lil gal."

"Chiii-ckaaa."

"Andii."

"--HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

"..."

Oh, sweet Nemo, that was terrible.

_It's the thought that counts, Andii._

And who are _you_?

_I'm your peaceful conscience that shows the good in you. That brings out the good in you. For example, you wouldn't have offered Squid the chocolate bar if it weren't me._

To Hades with you!

"Thanks!" I said loudly, determined to beat Miss Look-At-Me-I'm-Your-Peaceful-Conscience-That's-Like-100-percent-Cheerful-and-Sweet.

"You wanna have a slice?" Zigzag asked me mischievously.

"Yeah, sure!" I said, still going in my head "YOU ARE MEAN, YOU ARE HORRID, GO AWAY, EAT SOME PORRIDGE" to my conscience.

They Looked at me, leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong _this time._

"Maybe you've taken a temporary blow to the head, but this cake is made outta dirt and some water. You really wanna eat some?" X-Ray asked me.

"Oh - of course not!"

Curse you, Miss Good-Conscience-Of-Mine.

"But thanks," I said, smiling at them all, "That was really nice of you guys."

Then I did something that made me repeat over and over again "I am not insane, I am not deranged, I'm just a girl, whose swallowed a flame" later that night.

I went around to each of the boys and gave them a hug.

--

"I really need to GO!" Squid moaned, bouncing up and down.

It was dinner, and it seemed like a half-decent dinner had been served just because it's my birthday. It was curry chicken with rice and I swallowed it down gratefully.

I lifted my fork to my mouth as I listened to Armpit and Zigzag argue over the different uses of cheese. (Ew.)

"You _eat_ it, Zig. Melted _cheese_ on toast, _cheese_ sandwiches, macaroni _cheese_ - "

" - you just don't _get_ it, you can pick a lock with German _cheese_ - "

" - you _cannot_ do that - "

" - yes, you can!"

" - you _eat_ cheese, you do not _pick locks_ with it - you've seen _The Italian Job _too many times - "

Meanwhile, Squid was complaining to anyone who would listen and even to those who wouldn't about his uncontrollable bladder. X-Ray, however, seemed to have this rule that no one can leave the D-tent table until everyone else has finished eating.

It's only polite, he claims.

"Please X, please," Squid begged, "PLEASE!"

"You should've gone before you sat down," X-Ray said coldly.

"But I didn't have to go then!" Squid whined. I was reminded of... well, me.

"That's what they all say," X-Ray said, steadfastly refusing to let Squid relieve himself.

Squid moaned and thumped his head on the table.

X-Ray ignored him and had a bite of his dinner, with dignity, I might add.

"X, you're being rather harsh," Magnet said glibly.

"Shut up, I'm enjoying this..."

"You're a bad mother, X-Ray," I said, trying not to grin. "Good mothers let their tribal servants go to the bathroom in extreme circumstances..."

"I never said I was a mother!"

Oh yes you did. You said that as much as I eat popcorn with my mouth and sleep with the birdies.

Hmm... that made no sense.

Moving on.

Squid popped up again and did a sort of dance and chant that went, "I need to go, I need to go, I _really, really _need to go."

We were all staring at him.

"C'mon X-Ray, you're even making _me_ feel sorry for him," I finally said, putting down my fork.

"Oh, alright, alright... So says the birthday girl," X-Ray mumbled. "Squid - "

Squid jumped up, ready to dash out, but stopped at X-Ray's glare.

"I henceforth allow you to leave the table in question - once now, and once only - " X-Ray paused and looked around expectantly.

Squid looked like he was going to explode.

The rest of us clapped politely.

" - so that you may go out and find a respectable hole to relieve your full bladder - "

Another pause.

More clapping.

Squid moaned.

" - We are reminded that this is the only time you will have the permission to do this - "

Clap, clap.

" - and you will not be allowed to do such an action again - "

"Goodness help me," Squid whimpered, his face strained.

" - and that is my final verdict - "

We clapped.

"...Okay. You may go."

Squid let out some sort of noise between a sob and a growl as he fled out of the Wreck Room.

AHAHAHAHA.

_(NOTE: The camp should acquire toilets. Port-a-loos, even.)_

--

I was drowsily sitting on my airbed, staring at the pile of gifts I hadn't even unwrapped yet.

This is the first time ever that on my birthday, I haven't opened my presents.

"I am not insane, I am not deranged, I'm just a girl, who's swallowed a flame," I whispered, convincing myself that I wasn't losing my mind.

Yawning, I stretched and sleepily decided to unwrap them in the morning. I also noted to find my orange pad of post-its, as my pink one had gone missing. Magnet or someone probably nicked it, attracted to the pretty colour.

Or maybe Zigzag thought it was trying to steal his eyesight so he burnt it.

I picked up Clover, then turned around slightly so I could fluff up my pillow.

There was a pink post-it on it.

It read:

_Happy birthday, 'lil girl._

Smiling slightly, I flipped the post-it around and found one single word (okay, and a hyphen.)

_- Squid._

--

A/N: Awww! Well, I hope that was enough Squid/Andiiness for those who wanted a bit of fluff! Lots of PDA when they were arguing, though. Don't worry, there won't be too much in the upcoming chapters. I want to focus more on the other boys, no matter how cute Squid is... Lol. Anyway, that chapter didn't turn out the way I really wanted it to. And the story has probably lost the charm and funniness it used to possess. I've noticed it's become sort of repetitive.

I'll try make it more interesting...

Thanks, everyone. xD - msq. (Your rather tired and worn out authoress who has to start on her history and geography assignments.)


	9. Terrorizing: ARMPIT

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Nine ll Terrorising: ARMPIT**

--

"It's Pit's turn."

Words spoken on the early morning of the 29th of July, by Mr. Rex "X-Ray" Verma, Tribal Leader of D-tribe.

"Okay," I said, scrawling "**RANDOM NOTES ON ARMPIT**" in my notebook. "Armpit, you're my next _patient_."

I flashed him a smile while the other boys hiccoughed into their sugarified cereal.

"Yeah right, more like victim," Zigzag scoffed, but grinned at me to show he was joking.

"You can't _treat_ a victim though, you treat a _patient_," I whined, flipping my notebook back in my bag.

"But you don't _treat_ us," X-Ray said in a would-be-stating-a-point voice. "You terrorise us."

They all guffawed at that. (I think guffawed means laugh, but I could be wrong.)

"Thanks a lot," I said flatly, trying to hide my smile as I grabbed the sugar jar. "You made my day."

"We only aim to impress, 'lil girl."

"Sure you do," I said sarcastically, stuffing my spoon into my mouth. Meanwhile, I was fiddling with these flower and heart shaped magnets I had received from Mr. Let's-Goggle-At-Andii back in my class at Palmoilin for my birthday. Okay, I admit it.

That guy is completely _weird_.

But still, it was _nice_ of him to send me those magnets. A year ago, I'd have tossed them out the window and washed my hands in five different waters, but the magnets are... well, pretty.

Okay, so they're dismantled and are about the ugliest things I've seen in my life.

They look nice on my notebook, and they stick well on the metal part of it!

Yeah.

"_What_ are these?" Squid chose that moment to ask rudely, grabbing the Horrible Magnets (actually, they don't deserve two names. Only one. Like Horrinets or Magribbles) from me.

"Leave it alone!" I retorted, taking them back.

"No, but they - "

"I said, _leave it alone_," I repeated vehemently, pushing him away.

"They're _dismantled_!" Squid told me.

"LEAVE IT ALONE!"

"It's not 'it'; there are two of them," Magnet stated.

"For Pete's sake, I _know_," I groaned, putting my hands to my head.

"Who's Pete?" Armpit wanted to know.

"Pete's my boyfriend," I said sarcastically, glaring at my cereal dish and cursing it to Azkaban and back.

The boys stopped eating; some choked, some slopped milk down their front and others knocked their bowls over.

And they all glared at me like I had just missed out on winning the Olympics.

"You, the 'lil girl, have a _boyfriend_?" Zigzag squealed.

"No, you knob heads!" I said, clearly exasperated. "I was joking, ie; I WAS NOT BEING SERIOUS."

There was silence.

"Your cereal's sliding off your spoon," Magnet told me sheepishly.

I glanced down. He was right.

"LOOK, A DISTRACTION!" I yelped, pointing up at the ceiling near the opposite wall.

To _no one's_ surprise, they all went "Huh?" like dodobrains, and looked.

I shoved the spoon into my mouth and gobbled down the cereal before they could figure out where it went.

The boys frowned and looked back at me.

"What distraction?" Armpit asked me.

"What cereal?" I asked sweetly.

"The stuff that was sliding off your - " Magnet's eyes widened as he stared at my spoon. "Oh my..."

I smiled smugly.

"Where'd it go?" Magnet asked fearfully, still staring at my spoon.

"To the Netherlands! And back again!" I said in a feverish and snappish manner. "But you were busy staring at a _distraction_ that you didn't notice! Ta!"

I got up and stalked out of the Wreck Room.

Haha.

I _love_ being weird.

"That 'lil girl has issues," Zigzag commented. "More than I do."

"Now _that's_ saying something."

--

"You are INSANE," so says Armpit after we argue over the fact that the world is _so-very-obviously_ triangular.

"Call me that, Caliber, but people used to think that there was no such thing as global warming!" I said, nodding pompously and looking around as if I was expecting someone to cry, "Surely not!"

When I got no reply, I resumed back to my notebook. It had some stuff 'bout the PIT boy.

_FULL NAME: Theodore Jackson_  
_AGE: 16_  
_BIRTHDATE: 17th May_  
_TIME SPENT AT CAMP GREEN LAKE SO FAR: 8 months_

It had taken me about ten minutes to coax Armpit's name out of him. He looked like he was about to shed a tear or two when I persistently asked him.

What is it with people and not revealing their real names?

I glanced up and to my shock, saw a cloud of dust in the distance, coming towards us.

For a moment, I was seized with a spasmodic fit that it was an oversized flamingo dive-bombing at me to gobble me up for arvo tea. Or something.

"Lunch!" Armpit yelled, getting out of his hole.

Oh, so it was the water truck.

I knew that.

"Thank the Almighty, was wonderin' when that thing was comin'," complained X-Ray, doing a frog leap out of his hole.

One by the one, the other delinquents hoisted themselves out of their half-dug holes in their own fashionable manner.

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty," Squid snickered as he walked past with Magnet and Zigzag towards the pick-up truck, "You coming?"

"Sleeping Beauty?" I repeated incredulously.

"Yeah, chicka."

"Hey, just 'cause I sit around doing nothing whilst looking pretty and cool in the process doesn't mean you have to call me _Sleeping Beauty_," I retorted.

They just laughed.

"One day, 'lil girl, you shall learn..." I heard Zigzag distinctly say as they waddled (can people _waddle_?) off.

"Yeah, that you guys eat pillows for breakfast!" I yelled after them.

I tried getting up without using my hands to support me.

Need I say I failed miserably?

Hehehe... that cracked me up.

"HEEEELP!"

I froze as 'lil Zero ran into me, grabbing onto the back of my favourite top that clearly states (hem, hem) "MAKE CHOCOLATE NOT WAR."

The first time I wore it Claudette told me pointedly that war's better than chocolate because chocolate makes people fat while war causes famine which leads to skinniness.

She was only joking, but I scolded her terribly.

I told her that if she turned anorexic or bulimic I'd slap her silly.

"WHOA!" I steadied myself so I didn't fall over, and turned around to face Zero, "What's wrong?"

The poor boy looked positively terrified and he was trembling from head to toe. I glanced back around, but none of the other boys had noticed Zero's odd behaviour. X-Ray and Armpit were having this weird argument over at the water-truck line.

Something about how you move your hand when you go, "WASSUP, DAWG!"

Zero mouthed something, clutching so tightly onto his shovel that his knuckles were gleaming white.

"Huh?" I leant closer.

"_SPIDER_."

EEK!

I have the worst case of arachnophobia.

"What? WHERE? _WHERE_?" I shrieked, actually acting quite calm for someone at my standards of phobia-ness for spiders. I just didn't want to fully freak out, because Zero looked frightened enough.

"My hole," Zero whimpered, he peeked out from behind me and glanced at his hole. "Don't like spiders," he muttered.

"Okay..." I looked suspiciously at Zero's hole and edged away. "This is our plan: look cool, then slowly walk towards the water line. From there, we can scream and shriek and run back to the compound, then dive into our beds and hide under our blankets. Okay?"

Looking bewildered, Zero nodded uncertainly.

I grinned, terrified, at him, "That's a good boy. Be brave and courageous! No spider shall smite our dignity, and - AHHHHHHH!"

A huge (about the size of my hand!) black tarantula had crawled out onto the surface. It seemed to stare at me and Zero with its evil eyes of ... _evil._

Zero yelped and grabbed onto the back of my shirt again. Suddenly, the whole ordeal of making chocolate instead of war became POINTLESSLY POINTLESS.

"RUN!" I yelled, my adrenaline rush becoming so actively hyper I felt like I could swallow an entire Krispy Kreme donut. "RUUUUN!"

Like idiots, Zero and I fled towards the water truck (Mr. Pendanski was filling Squid's canteen) and yelled like Indians.

"NISH ISH ENABLE EERS! JE CAU FERANT LA SCAR!" I shrieked.

Well, Zero at least was speaking English.

"SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER-SPIDER!" he kept chanting in a terrified manner.

Mr. Pendanski stared at us. Zero walked up and handed him his canteen.

Then he walked back to me and bit his lip, still murmuring, "Spider-spider-spider-spider, I hate spiders."

I don't believe I will ever meet a bunch of more insane people.

And they think _I_ have issues.

Pfft, take a look at yourselves, brickwomen! (Yes, I know they're all boys.)

"Zero, are you alright?" Mr. Pendanski asked, his irritatingly happy voice punctuating my head.

"Spider," Zero murmured frantically, as if he was talking to the dirt pile a few feet away from him, "Spiders coming to get me..."

"ZERO!" Mr. Pendanski suddenly had an authoritative voice, "I believe that you can over ride that spider and show them who's the boss! You crush them and overcome your fear! I _believe_ in you!"

Zero's look plainly told me that he was now more terrified of Pendanski than of the spider. With a scared gasp, he grabbed his newly-filled canteen and fled back to his hole.

"Go Zero, go Zero, g-g-go Zero," I cheered, feeling very suspenseful and excited. I mean, 'lil Zero, all grown up and about to face his deadly fear!

Once in a lifetime opportunity.

Zero was still trembling as he took a few steps towards the tarantula. Mr. Pendanski wasn't looking at my bottle which he was filling; he seemed just as intrigued as I was that Zero was facing that evil spider.

You know, this is the perfect time to insert that happy and suspenseful music that they play in baseball movies. Like when it's the last game and this specific game determines whether or not they win the trophy or certificate or jellybean.

Actually, _this specific hit or throw_ determines whether or not they win the trophy-slash-certificate-slash-hot fudge.

So they play that music and everything is in slow motion while the team we all adore and sympathise with hits the ball... and it's sailing through the air...

...we're all on the edge of our seats...

Yeah. You know...

_That_ music.

Back to the point. I felt like I was going to explode while Zero took a few more wobbly steps to the tarantula. I sucked in my breath as everything slowed down...

Slow motion is the key to suspense.

Ohmercifulgoodness.

He's really VERY close to that spider.

I watched as Zigzag's mouth curved into the perfect O and he lifted his hand to cover it.

Any moment now... Zero's going to screw up all of his determination and SLAM his foot on that spider... then it'd all be over... we'll all cheer and scream and clap like crazy... the boys will rush up to the forever-grinning Zero and pick him up and carry him on their shoulders... whilst singing "Zero is our king, he didn't let the Quaffle in, that's why D-tent sings, Zero is our king..."

Hehe. Sorry. Temporary Harry Potter moment.

Anyway! I gasped when Zero was only one centimetre away from the black, hairy THING. He was trembling from head to toe, but I knew he could do it.

_Once in a lifetime opportunity._

Realising what this meant, I fled towards my bag to grab my digital camera.

With a strangled squeal, Zero brought his foot down. There was a horrible squelching sound.

Zero let out a shriek of disgust and sprang back.

The spider was half-crushed and twitched, but nevertheless, was quite dead.

Silence...

Then an uproar.

"OH MY GOSH, GO ZERO!" Caveman screamed.

"YOU'RE GROWIN' UP, 'LIL ZEE ZEE!" Squid and Zigzag yelled.

"AWW RIGHT ON, MAN!"

They all ran to Zero and did what I had predicted, minus the "Zero is our king" thing.

"I knew you could do it, Zero!" Mr. Pendanski yelled, hurrying to turn off the nozzle as my bottle was overflowing.

I grinned through little proud tears and brought the camera up.

_CLICK._

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

30th of July.

_Mood: ANNOYED!_  
_Time: 6:21am_

_I'm currently sitting here, writing this up because, to tell you the truth, I feel really angry, and then I feel annoyed because I am angry, and that just makes matters worse._

_It's Armpit's turn to be interviewed, and he's a very nice person, as a matter of fact. It's just his odor that needs working on, and I get the idea that he can be sort of violent when the situation arises. But he sure makes a good debater and he has at least one argument every single day! It's fascinating arguing with him. Sometimes I start arguments with him just to listen to his comebacks and reasons._

_It's mega cool._

_Anyway, back to my anger pains. Well, I just knew I wouldn't be able to stay unnaturally happy and bubbly the entire time I'm here. Everyone has their off days, right? When Squid woke me up this morning, I had to resist the extremely temptation of slapping him across the face with... well, I can't really remember at the moment._

_I feel so tired, hot, annoyed and just plain angry. The boys here may be amusing, but I'm sorry to say that doesn't balance out the immense heat that pounds down on us. It's become a custom to sweat until you smell and look equivalent to a pig._

_And don't even get me started on the food._

_Now that I think about it, the whole ordeal is so unfair. Why did **I** have to come here? _

_"It'll be an excellent experience," they all say chirpily. Excellent my behind! If they were in my position at the moment, they'd all drink Coke then dance in Bulgaria with the mangoes! Faaaarrrr out. This is a detention centre, not Camp Wonderful and Brilliance._

_I work hard for my good grades; I take a billion extra-curriculum activities and have represented my school countless times! So why, may I ask, am I stuck here?_

_In this UGLY PLACE. Meeting DELINQUENTS._

_It is so not fair._

_I probably sound like an ungrateful snob to you, but that's just who I am. I'm not a perfect angel and I certainly don't enjoy being around this place. I really want to leave, but I have to stay._

_Stay and inspect Camp Green Lake._

_Stay and interview the boys._

_Stay and hope I don't die._

_I need to ask Armpit about his past. He seemed terribly shifty when I told him I'd ask him about it later today at breakfast, and that just makes my mood worse._

_Story of my life._

_Andii__._

--

A/N: Hi everyone! Okay, prepare for a bit of a VENT:

I've recently read some things about how new authors and fan girls have completely destroyed the Holes section, and that upset me. It's not our fault we discovered Holes late or whatever, and we have the right to post stories too, no matter how much they may suck. Just because we weren't the original group of brilliant Holes authors doesn't mean you have to sit there and go "Your story is bad because we've already written that and yeah, it's just bad in general."

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, PEOPLE.

I admit some "Girls Come to Camp Green Lake" stories are quite... well, _bad_, and some get repetitive, but keep in mind that by saying something like "You can't write that, because you're not an original author" you will _really_ hurt the writer.

And anger them, too.

Now, since that's off my chest.

x) THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! GOOD JELLY! OVER 100! ((CHEERS)) That's like, so WICKED. Lol, your reviews crack me up. You say some of the sweetest things, so thanks. I got the Holes DVD and I'm kind of "not-in-a-sane-state" because of that. Hehe. I love the commentary. THAT rocks.

I'm trying to get Armpit's past and character right, so plz bear with me. This chapter was weird, I know, and I'm sorry about that. Lol, thanks for the note about "chicka" being spelt "chica". I just like spelling it with the 'K', for some odd reason. But thanks anyway! About the Armpit thing, I realise lots of people use him as comic relief, so I'm trying REALLY hard to develop his character. But it's not easy! (By the way, thanks to someone who inspired this chapter title. A dear reviewer. xD)

...And I have to go now, so I'll see you all later!

- msq. xoxo

(PS. What Andii is screaming out when she and Zero run up to the water truck isn't an actual language. I just made up random words. Lol.)


	10. Debating Against: ARMPIT

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

Note: Here's a quote from the **MOVIE** that helped me write Armpit's past.

_"Call my mum. Tell her I said I was sorry. Tell her Theodore said he was sorry."_

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: _potterchick1 _and _Spice of Life_

Thank you so much! I love you both!

- msq. (PS. There will be chapter dedications from now on. Keep your eyes peeled, you may be next!)

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Ten ll Debating Against: ARMPIT**

--

It all seemed to happen in the matter of about thirty-four seconds.

"_Suppose_? Well then, what _d_'ya like?" Armpit asked a bit impatiently, jamming his shovel into the dirt.

A few moments ago, I had been in a shifty mood. That was when I sat down and raged in my journal. Minutes afterward, the water truck came with Mr. Sir and Nadine, who sort of said a hello to everyone but lingered a little while longer with Squid than with the others. I saw Caveman shoot the two a reproachful look while they chatted, and confronted him about it later.

"Were you jealous of Squid?" I asked as I am quite fond of gossip, and a love triangle is _so very_ interesting.

"Nope," he answered, quite unperturbed and a bit carelessly, "I just don't like her."

It was a fine way to burst my bubble.

Then Nadine made a beeline for me and we chatted like little school girls. We talked about the latest trends and she told me how much she loved my earrings, which were little flamingoes.

Mr. Sir finished filling our canteens and bottles, so he proceeded to yell that we weren't in the Girl Scouts, and that Nadine had better get her backside to the truck or he'd drive off without her.

Yes, and so after that, I chatted with Armpit. I asked him what his hobbies were, and he said quite a lot of things.

Break dancing.

Reading comics.

Being one of those people who can sound like rap music. (Quite scary.)

Nicking the latest releases on DVDs.

Spray-painting.

Playing the piano.

I said that I can't break dance for walnuts, comics are distasteful, people who dismantle their mouths so they can make odd noises are freaky, stealing is criminal, I suck at art, and that my mother allowed me to give up piano when I was eight because the lessons and practices were terrible and I threw tantrums about it.

So Armpit said slowly, "Well... diggin' holes is cool."

But _I_ said, "Digging holes _suck_."

"Eatin', then. You gotsta love eatin'."

"Yeah, it's okay, I suppose."

"_Suppose_? Well then, what _d_'ya like?" he asked impatiently, which brings me right back to my little tale.

"Well..." I paused to look thoughtful and I reached into my pocket to pull out a half-melted Milky Way that Nadine had snuck over to me, "I like reading. And writing."

Armpit eyed the chocolate, then shook his head slightly and turned to his one-foot hole, "Reading and writing. 'Kay. What 'bout talkin'? D'ya like that?"

"Yeah, talking's good," I said dismissively, sinking down onto Squid's tea towel, "But I think that people express themselves better in print. Not so many ums and ahs."

But Armpit shook his head again, this time because he disagreed.

"No way, chicka. There's no expression when peoples write. You gotta talk to get your point forward."

"Yeah, but not everyone likes talking. You can elaborate easily and keep your temper on paper," I retaliated, not so much because I thought I was right. I just wanted to argue with him.

I mean, have you ever _seen_ this guy in an argument?

Whoo! His rebuttals are of those I've never seen before!

So there we were, getting fired up for a debate. Well, at least we're arguing over something that's _normal_. Like, not over cake frosting or which direction the toilets flush in the southern hemisphere.

The topic at hand?

_"The spoken word is stronger than the written word."_

Armpit is affirmative.

I'm negative, only because I'm a keen writer and I see the depth of it, whereas Armpit might... not.

Uh huh.

We argued for ten minutes, occasionally stopping to take swigs of water from our bottles. The others had crowded around to watch. Caveman and Zigzag were miming eating popcorn, and X-Ray and Squid would say, "Hear hear!" whenever either of us made a point they agreed with. Magnet was being _incorrigibly_ annoying by randomly going, "Moshi moshi!" in his thick, Spanish accent, which was likely to make me crack up laughing in the middle of a very good argument.

"No, chicka, you got it all wrong! Kids at school are more likely to learn by _listening_," Armpit said heatedly. We were both standing up and were yelling at each other, because it's more fun that way. We probably looked like we could tear each other apart, but I knew we were enjoying this.

I was fighting a losing battle, but it's mega chilly to watch Armpit debate. I swear, this could go on for days.

"No they're not, because kids are thick and facts usually just go through one ear, and then out through the other!" I exclaimed.

"Hear, hear!"

"Moshi moshi?" Magnet said, popping his head in.

"Shut up, Magnet!" Armpit and I snapped at once.

Magnet sighed, "Man, I know when I'm not wanted."

_(UNNECESSARY NOTE: Magnet has a cute accent/voice, or whatever.)_

"Hear, hear!"

_(NOTE: Boys can be quite mean, when they want to.)_

Armpit and I paused to take a drink of water, then we fired up again.

The debate ended when X-Ray said he couldn't take no more yelling and that we had better stop or else. This was around noon, right before the water truck came with Wonderful Lunch.

It was completely unnecessary for X-Ray to shut us up, though, because Armpit and I had reached the end of our argument anyway, and Zero (our adjudicator) was deciding who would win.

I unwrapped a thoroughly disgusting-looking sandwich, squealed an "Ew!" in a very Summer-like way from the O.C., and pried the pieces of bread apart to see what was inside.

**Ew****!**

_YUCK!_

I should probably be used to the food at Camp Green Lake, but this is by far the worst sandwich I've ever seen.

Vegemite, processed cheese, lumps of undistinguishable meat and a slice of rubbery lettuce.

I refused to eat it.

I opened my bag of chips and began to munch on those, while opening my notebook and checking the form on Armpit. I had wasted an entire morning by debating with him, so I really had to get a move on.

My teletubbies ruler is _so_ nifty.

Sorry, but I'm currently using it to rule up my page. It's not really _my_ ruler... It used to belong to Cecily, but mother very kindly gave it to me, because Cecily never used it.

Well, let's just say she got a little upset.

She threw my Finding Nemo DVD at my head.

I threw a roll of sticky tape at her _fore_head.

Mum picked up a sugar cane and hollered at us to stop chucking things or else she'd wipe dessert off the nightly menu.

" 'Lil girl?"

I looked up and shielded my eyes from the sun. Squid and Armpit were standing above me. Armpit crouched down beside me, and eased himself into a sitting position.

"You eatin' that?" he asked, gesturing at my sandwich.

Of course not!

"No," I replied, taking another potato chip as Squid sat down opposite me.

"Can I have it, then?"

"No," I said absently, crunching on the chip and turning a few pages in my notebook.

"Why not?"

"No."

I saw Armpit and Squid exchange odd glances. Then with a sigh, Armpit took the sandwich and bit into it.

Very dazedly, I looked up at him and said, "That is the most festy thing I've ever seen, and you're eating it. You're insane."

Then I took another chip and popped it in my mouth.

"Whatever, we don't have fancy good food like in Diamondville," Armpit scoffed.

I ignored that evil remark and said briskly, "After you've eaten and manage not to throw up all over me, I need to ask about your past and the crime you committed."

Armpit froze and his eyes went a little poppy. With a strained look, he nodded.

Squid was eating a lemon that was part of the lunch (yuck) as he said, "You interview me after Pit."

I looked down at my trusty notebook, ignoring Zigzag and Caveman who were involved in a game that meant you had to frog leap over holes and yell, "MARSHMALLOW SANDWICHES ARE BITING ME!" whenever you fell into one, and looked at the little diagram I had drawn up. It was the order in which the boys lined up, and also the order in which I interview them in.

Squid was right.

But not quite.

"You're going to get a gold star today!" I said sarcastically, "Howeverly, you are _wrong_."

Squid frowned, as if I had accused him of taking my pink post-its (which he did!) and grabbed my notebook, much to my dismay.

"Give that back, you spatula, it's confidential information and you have no right to verify - _ahhh_!" Squid had poked me in the stomach to make me shut up, causing me to fall back.

Armpit chuckled as he finished the last bite of the Disgraceful Sandwich, "Man, Squid, give it back to the 'lil chicka."

Indignantly, Squid shoved the book into my stomach, "I _am_ right! It goes: X, Zig, Pit – _me_! - Magnet, Caveman and Zero!"

"Yes, but _remember_," I said as patiently as I could, "I clearly stated on - " I squinted and tried to think, "On the twenty-second of July that you are most definitely going LAST."

TAKE THAT, MR. SPATULA!

Squid just rolled his eyes.

"Whatever."

What an X-Ray moment.

"MARSHMALLOW SANDWICHES ARE BITING ME!" I heard Zigzag holler as he fell into a hole.

_(NOTE: Boys are capable of entertaining themselves.)_

Lunch break was over. Boys were digging. Sun was hot. Sky was clear blue. Desert was dry. Armpit was sitting. Andii was asking.

"Y'well..." Armpit looked really uncomfortable and fidgeted a little. I got the idea that talking about his past was going to be a little hard on him, but I had to know. Or else Mr. AG is going to come after me in my nightmares, and eat my pudding.

I sat there patiently, humming "Inspector Gadget".

"Dude... where do I start?" Armpit murmured to himself, looking at his hands.

"The answer's not going to be there," I said gently, gesturing at his brown hands. "Why don't you start at the beginning? Who were your parents?"

"Well," Armpit took a deep breath, and I poised my pen. "Mama's name is Arena Jackson. I dunno who my father was. Can't remember too much. He and Mama got a divorce when I was 'bout six. Lukie - he's my younger brother - was only two. His real name is Luke, but Mama loves to think that Lukie an' I are still 'lil kids or somethin'."

At this, I smiled softly and as nicely as I could, to encourage him.

"So..." Armpit paused, then smiled thinly, "She calls us 'pumpkin' and 'darling' and stuff. I... used to hate how she did that. Hate how she treated us like babies. But now... I kinda miss it."

Oh, _honestly_. How come these guys' past have to be so SAD? I can feel my emotional barrier breaking down and any moment now, tears are going to fill my eyes.

Bringing myself together, I told myself to quit acting like a sissy and think of... PIE.

Self-assured, not-about-to-cry, nerves-of-steel PIE.

Yes... It's working.

...DON'TCRYPIE!

Steadily, I wrote down "had younger brother, Lukie."

"Anyway. Mama tried really hard to keep the house, but it wasn't easy. Then we moved into a 'partment after she and our father got a divorce. God was with us, and Mama got a better job that paid more. Our 'partment was a nice three-bedroomed one. Uh... Mama managed real well, being a single mother. This went on for a few years, till I was ten."

Armpit's face hardened and I sensed this was when things turned... well, _not pretty_.

"Mama started seeing this jerk - Jeremy what's-his-face - and he was... a jerk. He hated me, and I hated him. Worked out," Armpit shrugged, "But he always sucked up to Lukie and Mama. He was a rich bastard - oh, sorry. Didn't mean to cuss."

I also shrugged, " 'Tis fine. Hear it all the time."

"Time came when I went to high school, and I guess it's safe to say I mixed up with the "wrong group". Still, they were cool. We would hang out and they'd pretend to be the toughies - y'know, smokin' and drinkin'. But we never would. We were just messin' around. Mama wanted me to "sever all ties" with them, but I told her over an' over that we never did anythin' illegal. Finally, Mama gave up. She trusted me not to stuff up my life... Yeah, look where I am now."

The words were now flowing freely from his mouth, as if the story was coming together. Armpit seemed more confident, and I was finding it hard to scribble down notes.

"Me and my gang never did nothin', but people suspected us. Well… we _would_ sneak out at night and spray-paint whatever came across our nose. It was a hobby of mine. I liked art and drawin' ever since I could hold a crayon. Mama was furious when she found out what I'd bin up to all those nights. She said that if I really like art so much, I coulda asked her to enroll me into a class instead of vandalisin' public buildings." Armpit sighed. He blinked, then stood up.

"I think I'll go dig some more," he said rather mechanically.

I nodded, though a little taken-aback, "Sure."

Ten minutes later, we were back to the story.

_Must think of pie..._

"Dunno what Mama saw in Jeremy, but she liked him heaps. Lukie and I hated him. Jeremy probably wanted to turn both Mama and Lukie 'gainst me, but I knew - well, _thought_ - Mama would never do that, and Lukie would always remain loyal to his big bro," Armpit grinned. "Me and my gang got into loads of trouble 'coz sometimes we were caught vandalisin'. Mama told me no more of it, but I couldn't help myself," he shrugged. "She was angry at me because of that. I didn't exactly have a clean record. The cops hated us."

"Well, you probably gave them a hard time by graffitiing here and there and everywhere," I said absently, writing down something.

Armpit smiled wanly, "Maybe."

"So... what happened next?" I asked, taking a drink from my bottle.

Armpit shrugged, "Dunno... uhh... Oh. Right. That was my life, basically."

"Okay, what about the crime you committed?"

"That ain't no crime I committed," Armpit said, looking angry, "My gang and I spray-painted Jeremy's big, fat mansion. Was pretty wicked. We did it coz he went too far. He said some pretty nasty crap to me right in front of Mama, and made it look like it was all some kinda joke. Well, Jeremy woke up and saw us. So we ran."

I widened my eyes.

"I kinda tripped and fell onto something. Turned out to be his pet Chihuahua. Now, I'm not the lightest person and Chihuahuas are pretty small. Kinda got crushed. And died."

Armpit's face indicated that he rather liked the fact that Jeremy's dog had died.

"Ew. That's seedy!" I exclaimed.

"I know. Jeremy almost hit me. Mama was furious. Jeremy pressed charges. He told Mama he was sorry, but it wasn't compensation he was after. He wanted to 'discipline' me or some crap," Armpit looked livid with anger. "Mama turned all pale when he said that. I thought she was going to kick him out and say that no son of hers was gonna go to jail just for crushing a moron's dog. But she just said she'd think about it."

Armpit's face hardened and I knitted my eyebrows in concern.

"I don't think I'll ever forgive Mama for that."

I bit my lip.

"I was so angry at her that I didn't speak to her for a week. She got snappy at me. Lukie told her that she should ditch Jeremy because he was a cow. Mama was so stressed that she screamed at Lukie and said that he had no control over her life and she could do whatever she wanted. Lukie cried that night. I looked after him and made him feel better," Armpit sighed. "Jeremy just came to mess up our lives."

"What a turd," I said without thinking.

Armpit chuckled, "Better be glad Squid wasn't around to hear you say that."

Yeah, he's right there.

_"You naughty, 'lil girl.__ You swore!"_

Eeek.

"Mama gave in. She and Jeremy went to some judge and appealed to him. He agreed and sentenced me to eighteen months, Camp Green Lake. Mama told us one night that she was really sorry, but this was for my own good. Lukie was angry that I had to leave, but not as angry as me. I practically threw my plate across the room at dinner. Mama was so stressed. On one hand, she didn't want to lose me. On the other, she didn't want to lose "Mr. Great Guy", Jeremy.

"I can't believe she chose him over me."

Oh my goodness.

Think pie, Andii, think pie!

I screwed up my eyes, hoping that the tears would go away.

Armpit gave a sort of sniff, much to my alarm. If _he_ cries, then I stand no chance.

No chance at all. Not even with my pie.

"The night 'fore I was s'posed to leave, I took off without sayin' goodbye. Lukie had chucked a hundred-and-one tantrums, but that didn't change Mama's decision. Stupid jerk Jeremy must be happy," Armpit murmured, "I left a letter sayin' goodbye to Lukie, but I didn't so much mention the word "mama" once. I went to my best bud, Julian's, place. Stayed there for the night; his parents were cool about it. In fact, they drove me to the bus stop the next morning. Then I came here."

Armpit drew a long breath of relief, and took a very long drink from his canteen.

I pursed my lips and nodded.

Sad lives.

Sad, sad, sad lives.

Then he spoke again, startling me.

"I guess I expected Mama to write to me," he muttered. "Hopin' it, too. Want her to 'pologise. But I don't think she ever forgave me for just leavin' without sayin' goodbye. Just like I haven't forgiven her for choosin' Jeremy over me."

"You both need to apologise," I said, offering my probably unwanted opinion.

Armpit nodded droopily, "I know we do."

I gave him a half-smile, then looked back down at my notebook.

He spoke again, very softly.

"But I'm not the one who's sayin' sorry first."

--

I felt really happy that night, at dinner, as I glanced over at my notebook. I had to admit, I had done a pretty good job on interviewing these boys, although I have do much more than just that.

But I'm not WonderGirl, so I won't try.

Dinner was half-decent, as Squid keeps joking. Chicken and vegetable pies (roasted in the _sun_) with stir-fry vegetables.

The pies were tasty, but the vegetables were disgraceful.

I had finished eating the pie, but refused to touch the vegetables. You never know.

That broccoli looks like it might just suddenly bare its teeth and bite me.

"Yo, 'lil girl, you gotta eat your greens," Squid said between mouthfuls. "To grow and be healthy."

"Yeah, right," I said, pulling a distasteful face, "Those vegetables look festy. I'm not eating them."

"You have to," Squid said in an ordering voice.

"Says who?"

"Me."

"Like _that _counts."

" 'Lil girl, just eat your vegetables!" Squid yelled.

"No! You're not my mother!" I retaliated.

"EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!"

"NEVER!"

"Will you two can it?" X-Ray said loudly, glaring us both down.

"You're not brother and sister," Zigzag muttered. "No need to fight in that way."

"Moshi, moshi," Magnet murmured into his pie. It's became his latest remark. We don't know whether it means "hello" (we know it means that in Japanese, but what about in Magnet-language?) or "okay" or "I agree". Or all three of them.

I sat in a huffy silence with Squid shooting me murderous looks that plainly said, "Eat your vegetables or I will kill you slowly and painfully in your sleep." Actually, I don't think he was doing the look right. It either said what I just mentioned before, but it could also have said, "I like to wear frilly pink dressing gowns with puppies dancing across it."

Ya never know.

--

"...deep down you know it's best for yourself but you, hate the thought of her bein' with someone else, but you know that it's over..."

Oh.

Dear.

Jelly.

Believe me, there's nothing _quite_ so bad as being woken up by a white kid trying to sing a black kid's song.

(Not supposed to be racist, or anything.)

Especially if that kid is someone like _Squid_.

"Rise and shine, sleepy chick," came his cheerful voice. "Or else I'll keep singing!"

I gave a loud moan and turned on my side.

"Okay... you asked for it! LET IT BURN, LET IT BURN, LET IT BURN - "

"OKAY, OKAY! I'M UP!" I screamed, getting up from my airbed.

And so, another day commenced.

_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes I am_  
_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes indeed. _

"Chicka, you awake?" Armpit poked me in the shoulder.

"Wha?" I opened my eyes and yawned. We were in the desert. "Yeah. Sure. So, where was I up to?"

"You asked me what I think of the food."

"Oh, yeah."

"It's okay."

Typical Armpit. Food at CGL: OKAY?

Never in my life.

_Walk down any street _  
_Pass the people you meet_  
_What__ is it about this place that keeps you on your feet. _

"Hey, chicka?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you not tell anyone about my... past?"

"Sure."

"Thanks. It's just... Magnet will tear me apart if he found out I crushed a dog."

I chuckled.

_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes I am_  
_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes indeed. _

"SPIDER!" Squid roared at lunch, dangling in his hand a plastic bag with a huge tarantula.

Zero and I shrieked and hid down in a hole.

"I thought you overcame them!" I hissed.

Zero shook his head, trembling, "That was just a fluke!"

_Night is coming down_  
_Closer to the ground_  
_Gonna__ have a little fun while I'm still around. _

"Hey, I snagged this from Mr. Sir's truck," Magnet announced, holding up a thick rope."Who wants to play tug-o-war?"

The rest of us groaned.

_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes I am_  
_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes indeed. _

"Finished interviewin' me?" Armpit asked when he had almost finished his hole.

I nodded, "Yup. Magnet's next."

"He stole a dog."

"And got caught?"

"Yeah," Armpit said, frowning a little. "His pocket started barking."

It was such a stupid statement I burst into laughter and didn't stop until Squid dumped dirt over my head.

I spent five minutes screaming at him.

_Don't believe the words they say to you they are so absurd_  
_Don't__ believe a word they say about me because I'm feeling mighty fine. _

"Zig..." X-Ray said slowly, watching Zigzag cross the Wreck Room, "You're about to - "

CRASH.

" - walk into a wall," X-Ray finished dully.

"BRAIN DAMAGE!" Zigzag yelped, as a chuckling Magnet and Squid helped him up. "ALIENS PUT THAT WALL THERE. IT WASN'T THERE A SECOND AGO, I SWEAR."

"We believe you, dear," Magnet said, patting his arm.

"Noooo!" I moaned as Zigzag fell onto the floor, spluttering.

When will Zigzag get over the word "dear"?

Then again, when will I ever stop entertaining such sarcastic comments in my head?

_Think I gotta go _  
_Think I'm gonna die_  
_Oh my God something's wrong_  
_The__ end is coming near_  
_because I'm - _

After dinner, I almost fell asleep on the disgusting couch in the Wreck Room, until Zero poked me. I sleepily looked around. Magnet was teaching Caveman Spanish, and Zero was sitting between them, listening. Armpit, Squid and X-Ray were gambling their shower tokens with some boys from C-tent, making sure that Mr. Pendanski or any other counselor didn't know what they were doing. Zigzag was watching the busted TV, near Magnet and Caveman and Zero.

"I- I think I'll g - go to b - bed," I said, stifling a yawn.

"Night, chicka."

"Buh bye, 'lil gal."

"Sleep tight."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"Moshi, moshi."

"Don't swallow your pillow."

I smiled to myself when (I was in my tent) my head hit the pillow, and I was asleep.

_(...Note:... Camp... isn't... quite so... bad... after... all.)_

_Feeling mighty fine_  
_feeling mighty fine at this time, yes I am_  
_Feeling mighty fine_  
_Feeling mighty fine at this time, yes I am, yes I am._

--

A/N: Quick A/N. You guys reviewed so much, I could hunt you down and send a big, sloppy kiss to your doorstep. But no, a virtual hug and chapter dedications will have to do. Don't worry, no one has flamed this story... yet. Oh, and the song in the last part of the chapter was just an easy way for me to round up the third day of interviewing Armpit. (I hope his past turned out okay.) The song is "Mighty Fine Blues" by Eel, and it's played in the Holes movie when Stanley writes a letter to his Mum.

What Squid is singing is "Burn" by Usher. Lol, yes I'm an Aussie. Well, an Asian, but an Aussie at heart. Lol, yes and Julz, **K**rispy **K**reme donuts DO sound festy. Ew.

If I've left anything else out, go say so in a review or via email, or just slap me. It all works. xD

Farewell, God bless! - msq.


	11. Interrogacion: MAGNET

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: _Nosilla_and _roguemagic__ 13_

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Eleven ll Interrogacion: MAGNET**

--

"You want me to _what_?" I said blankly, staring at the Warden woman.

She smiled encouragingly and nodded, "Yes, dear, it wouldn't hurt..."

"But why?" I spluttered, "You know, I have other things to do - like the reports and interviews and inspecting and..."

I trailed off. My schedule had suddenly seemed jam-packed with things to do.

"Just for tonight," the WW said a little less patiently, "Please."

I swallowed back a "In your dreams, devil woman!" and nodded.

The WW smiled at me, showing all her perfect white teeth. I tried to smile back but I was afraid I might make a mistake and accidentally turn it into a smirk, so I settled with a half-grin.

I imagine it must've made me look like Shrek.

"Can I just ask you something?" I blurted out before she got up to make a cup of tea.

She nodded.

"Why are you getting me to do this? I mean... yeah, just why?" I said as politely as I dared.

The Warden woman sighed and sank back down in her chair. She pursed her lips and said, "You... you're a smart girl, Andii. You understand that there is someone at this camp that my niece fancies."

Duh. Squiddly-boy.

I nodded, "Yeah. Squid. Don't they make such a cute couple?"

The WW frowned slightly, "No."

Oops. Well _sorry_.

"The boys under my supervision have proven themselves a threat to society. I find none of them are fit for my sister's daughter. Nadine cannot mix up with any of them," she continued.

I nodded slowly, wondering if the WW knew she was straying off the subject just a tiny bit.

Then I cottoned on.

"So you're making me cook dinner for the whole of CGL with Squid just so Nadine will lose interest in him?" I said calmly.

The Warden woman smiled, obviously pleased that I was so intelligent, "Yes. It's a fine way, isn't it?"

I chuckled quietly.

"FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, YOU'RE AN INSANE WOMAN! NADINE'S NOT GOING TO STOP LIKING SQUID JUST BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO POISON EVERY BOY WITH HIM! SHE'LL BE MORE BENT ON CHOPPING ME UP WITH A KNIFE! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE HER JEALOUS, NOT - NOT PUT HER IN A GETOVERHIMISH MOOD! YOU'LL BE PUTTING _MY_ LIFE IN DANGER, _HER_ LOVELIFE AT STAKE AND SQUID'S... SQUID'S BRAIN CAPACITY ON THE LINE!" I yelled in her face.

The WW smiled at me, "Squid doesn't like her."

I blinked.

She really is the most random person I have ever met.

"Umm... I _know_!" I said feverishly, "I was quite skilled at being the Gossip Queen's best friend, thank you very much! And identifying whether a person fancies another is a quality greatly needed in such a position!"

The Warden woman just ignored me, "Nadine's getting discouraged, and if she sees him with you, she'll give up. Don't you see?"

"But Squid will _never_ like me," I said, rolling my eyes at the very thought. "Not in that way."

"You'll be surprised, Andii."

"Why can't you let them be? He's a good kid!" I said, ignoring _her_ comment.

"What, and have him turn out like his father in the end? All it takes to make my sister's funeral is for her to realise her daughter's husband has just ran off, leaving her with a three-year-old son."

"You know what? This is pointless," I got up. "So what do you want me to do?"

"Just go into the kitchens with Squid after he's finished digging. Make dinner, enough for all the boys here. You'll find all the equipment and food. It's all I ask."

"Okay," I said calmly, "Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

As I left her cabin, I heard her distinctly say, "About what...?"

--

I yawned and glanced up at the starry sky as I stalked back to my tent. I'd been woken up not by Squid singing, but by the WW asking me to see her in her cabin. We had a lovely chat. She had a request for me. She wants me to poison everyone with my unskilled cookery. I agreed. And you know the rest.

I yawned again and sleepily crawled into my tent, onto my airbed. It just occurred to me that Nadine might've been listening to us. Why does the WW have to be so mean?

_Nadine obviously likes Squid... why can't the Warden woman just let her have her teenage fun and meddling? It's not like they're gonna get married..._

Another thing I realised was that the WW certainly had an evil side. She had seemed so oh-happy-days-fun-and-games when I first came here, but she's just... _mean_. That's it.

_(NOTE: The WW is evil.)_

I yawned. I must have a yawning problem. I wiped away the tears from my eyes (because I had yawned) and turned on my side. I hope Nadine won't hate me after this.

The idea of Squid and me is just... weird. And hilariously funny. Even Claude wouldn't be able to imagine such a thing.

Mmmhmm... funniness...

So sleepy...

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY, WHEN A - "

"SHUT UP, SQUID!"

--

"_Horrible_ song choice," I murmured crossly.

"You're mean," Squid mused as we sat down at the D-tent table, "Just because not everyone listens to classical like you..."

_Classical music?_

"I am so not a granny!" I exclaimed, horrified.

"We know you aren't," X-Ray said coolly, "So shut your mouth and eat your tortilla."

Tortilla?

I was about to point out we weren't in Mexico (or is that a burrito?) when I looked at the thing hanging out of Armpit's mouth.

My jaw dropped open.

"EW! What on earth is that?" I exclaimed.

"You think I don't see, no forks in the house, chopsticks only!" Zigzag and Squid chorused.

I shot them a look. Honestly, Squid knows _every_ song.

"Tortillas," Caveman explained, picking up the tortilla. "With honey."

"Yuck," I said, pulling a face. "What happened to the cereal?"

Caveman shrugged, "Menu changes."

"I wish it didn't!"

Zigzag's eyes had bulged out, and he leant over to murmur to X-Ray, "You know, what if the 'lil girl _is_ a granny...?"

"Zig," I said helplessly, "I am _not_ a granny."

_(NOTE: Boys show signs of hallucinations.)_

I carefully took out my journal (although I had promised X-Ray I wouldn't anymore) and jotted down a quick entry.

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

1st of August.

_Mood: okay_  
_Time: 4:39am_

_Hello there, Mr. Journal. You know what? I don't think I'll show this to the AG anymore. After all, it is my own personal business. Guess who's next for interviewing? Well, it was supposed to be Squid, but I said that he's going last. He murmured something about "save the best till last" but he has no idea how wrong he is. Anyway, it's Magnet's turn. He's Spanish. I hope to learn some Spanish off him. All I know is "hola" and "si". Oh, X-Ray's busy lecturing me about breaking promises. Zigzag keeps staring at me. I think he's convinced I'm a granny in disguise._

_I don't know what I'm doing, hanging around these people. Ohmyjelly. Did I mention? The Warden woman wants me to cook dinner for everyone at Camp Green Lake. AHHH! And with Squid! And it's all part of a jealousy scheme thing! GRRR!_

_More soon, Andii._

"Hey," I said, suddenly realising something, "Where's Magnet?"

"...absolutely no respect, 'lil gal, you _promised_, you _vowed_ that you wouldn't write in that thing of yours, and look what you're doing - or what you _were_ doing - "

"X-Ray," I said patiently, "Where's Magnet?"

X-Ray seemed confused for a split second, but his cool expression soon resurfaced.

"That," he drawled, taking a casual bite of his tortilla, "Is a very good question."

Then he glanced at three specific Delinquents.

Zigzag, Armpit and Squid all looked blank and dazed for a moment. Then looks of relief dawned on Zigzag and Armpit, before turning expectantly to Squid, who moaned into his breakfast.

"Your turn, Squid," Armpit informed.

"Far out, why can't Magnet just wake up himself?" Squid grumbled, getting up.

"Because he's a sleepy one," Zigzag answered, then he turned to me, "Magnet has a weird lifestyle. He falls off his bed when he hears the trumpet, then continues to sleep. He won't get up till either me, Squid or Pit wakes him. We take turns. Was Pit's yesterday, and mine the day before."

"So it's Squid's today," I said, cottoning on.

"Yeah."

"He's a bad wake-up-caller person."

Zigzag and Caveman grinned.

Squid returned, dragging a reluctant Magnet behind him.

"Man, whatsa time..." he groaned, as Squid dropped him in a seat.

"Four-forty-three, buddy," Squid replied.

Magnet groaned and dropped his head on the table. It shook and the rest of us shivered.

"That's gotta hurt," Armpit said, pulling a face.

"You know what?" I said, through a mouthful of really sweet honey, "I figured out something else, besides delinquents, that starts with D!"

The delinquents looked stunned.

"And we care, why?" Squid asked.

I ignored him and turned to Caveman and Zero, who are always the best listeners, "Ducks! D stands for ducks! Little ducklings! Ohmygosh, D stands for ducklings too! Wow, this is wicked! Ducks! Quack, quack! Haha. D-tent's full of ducks. Man, this is tight. Okay, I'll shut up."

"Thanks be to goodness for that," breathed X-Ray.

I shot him a dirty look.

--

"Man, I feel like a chicken. Bawk-bawk, bawk-bawk, bawk, BAWK," I sang.

Mr. Sir Looked at me, then chose wisely to ignore my odd song choice. Armpit nudged Zigzag, pointed at Mr. Sir, and the two elapsed into silent giggles.

We were walking towards our (their) new digging site. Usually, Zero walked in front (near Mr. Sir), with his shovel slung behind his neck and across his shoulders. Today, however, I was walking with X-Ray and Caveman at the front. X-Ray had his shovel slung behind him, and Caveman was holding his like a walking stick. I had my bag straps at the tips of my fingers and was swinging it around.

The others were behind us. Magnet was at the very back, looking dead tired.

When we reached another spot in the dark and dry desert, Mr. Sir told us to stop and then showed the boys where to dig their holes.

"Yer not in the Girl Scouts," he took care to remind us before he spat a few shells near Squid's feet and walked away with his hands on his hips.

"Whatever," Squid mumbled, glaring after him.

**TWO HOURS LATER.**

"Okay, let's stop talking about different dog breeds," I said wearily, ignoring the pitiful look on Magnet's face that had been the cause of a forty-five long minute conversation about dogs, "I really have to start interrogating you. Hey, how do you say interrogating in _Espagnol_?"

I smiled proudly, although my Spanish probably sounded really off.

Magnet just smiled, "_Interrogacion_."

"Cool," there was no way I was going to try and repeat that, "So... what's your name?"

"What do you think?"

I looked at him oddly.

"What do you mean, what do I think?" I asked bluntly, "I have no idea."

Magnet concentrated on jumping on the back of the shovel to scoop out some dirt, "I thought young people had good memories."

I had no sodding clue what he was on about.

So I told him.

"Dude, I have no sodding clue what you're on about."

He made a face as if I was being difficult, "Whatever, chicka. It's Jose Enriquie."

"Oh."

After that part, everything was a lot less difficult.

"Age?"

"Fifteen."

"Birthdate?"

"April. Fifteenth."

"How long have you been here?"

"About a hundred-and-twenty-five minutes. Why do you ask?"

I rolled my eyes, "Not how long have you been out _here_, today. Like at camp."

"Oh..." Magnet bit his lip, "Why didn'tcha say so! Four months, tops."

"Terrible," I said for no reason, feeling like a health inspector as I wrote "4 MONTHS" neatly in cursive writing.

"Really? What's so bad about four months?"

"Nothing... just nothing."

--

When the sun was well up, Zigzag had some sort of seizure (well, at least I _thought_ it was) and really... well, it was quite normal.

"WHITEOUT!" he yelled all of a sudden, "WHIIIITEEEOUUUTT!"

_Oh, not_ _again,_ I thought, mentally rolling my eyes

"C'mon Zig, don't tell me bottles of whiteout are suddenly going to drop from the sky and sting us with their toxicity?" I said sarcastically.

"RUN! DOWN IN THE DEEP HOLES!"

To my surprise, it was the calm, cool, sort-of-scary X-Ray who had yelled.

"What in the name of fudge is - ?

"Shut your trap, chicka and funcione encima a esos agujeros!" Magnet snapped. I understood half of what he said.

So... I... just... nodded.

He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me in the direction to where all the other boys were running. I looked behind me mid-drag and saw a big, big, BIG cloud of dust behind us, like a thick swarm of bees. A really big swarm of bees, at that. It was coming at us.

"Bringjelly!" I yelped, quite shocked. I shook Magnet's hand off me and began to run like a deer, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

I guess I ran so fast I overtook all the boys.

Maybe next time I enter a track event at the school athletics carnival (that is if I survive this dust/storm/whiteout), I should imagine a huge cloud of dust chasing me.

I understood what they were doing when I reached three neat rows of holes. I jumped in the closest one, buried my face in my knees and took a deep breath. Or I might've taken a deep breath before I buried my face.

Meh.

_Dear Lord,_ I prayed, _Please__ let the delinquents see that I am actually down here so they will not come falling down and probably crush me. Please let them find other holes and let them take refuge there. Please let us survive this whiteout thing. What is a whiteout? Oh well, it looks pretty scary. That's it for now. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen._

Religious faith is the key!

I heard the boys yell and leap over my hole to reach the other ones. They had better be quick. I could hear the dust rushing at us.

Then it happened. The cloud of dust (sort of like a tornado) came over and started to stir up all the sand and dirt around us, kicking it up in the air. I dared to open my eyes and look up, but all I saw was creamy-whiteness. Dust immediately whipped into my eyes and they began to water. I tried not to inhale the thick, dirty air and buried my face in my knees again.

Now we just have to wait for it to pass.

Doo be doo, a dum dum dum.

Who wants to play I Spy? ... ... ...

...Fine.

I hope the others are okay.

Then I had horrific images of them lying half-conscious beside their dirt piles.

But most likely they were down in holes adjacent to mine, reciting nursery rhymes in their dear little heads.

I could still hear the wind roaring away, like the tornado that blew away Dorothy's house in the Wizard of Oz.

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none. But _this_ little -

" 'Lil girl? You can get up now," I heard Squid say.

I blearily opened my eyes and looked up. Squid, Magnet and Zero were looking down at me.

"Is it over?" I asked, surprised. That was pretty quick.

"It's moved on," Magnet said with a shrug.

Squid helped me up. Just as we were about to take a step towards where they had been digging, I jumped on his back, wrapped my arms around his neck and yelled, "I want a piggy-back ride!"

"MY BACK! MY BACK! MY BEAUTIFUL BACK!" Squid yelled, turning this way and that way in hopes to throw me off, but he was holding onto me so... it didn't really make much sense.

"GIVE ME A PIGGY-BACK RIDE!" I commanded.

So, reluctantly, Squid had to carry me back, with me yelling, "FASTER!" and "SLOWER!" and "Can I have a cookie?" every now and then.

"No, no cookies. They'll spoil your appetite for dinner," he said sarcastically, setting me down on the ground when we reached our destination.

"One, it's barely morning. Two, if there was a chance to spoil my appetite for dinner here at Green Lake, I would definitely take up on it."

"You are such a _smart-alec_," Squid said through his toothpick.

I curtseyed, "Glad to know I'm appreciated."

Squid just laughed in an evil way, "Yeah, well get this, 'lil girl. _I - have - Clover_."

I was about to laugh and say, "I have buttercups" when I saw something _threatening _in his words.

"Clover? _Clover_? MY CLOVER!" I screeched, "No, no, no! You thief! You kidnapper - cownapper! You have ten seconds to produce him or I'll- I'll burn down your bed!"

"Hey, you burn down Squid's bed, you burn down mine," Caveman said, coming up from behind us, "Now what are you guys talking about?"

"Man, you burn down Caveman's bed, you burn mine," Armpit piped up.

"Burn Pit's _what_? Well, burn mine too," Magnet said with a shrug.

"ENOUGH!" I snapped, "Squid - SQUID!" Squid had run away. "COME BACK HERE, Y'CHICKEN!"

"I ain't no chicken. It's the rooster I'm talkin' _bout_!" Squid yelled. He and X-Ray laughed insane-like and high-fived.

"GIVE ME BACK CLOVER!"

"How's about a deal, 'lil girl? I get to keep Clover and I'll give you... a door handle," Squid produced a door handle. A very pretty door handle, at that. It was highly polished and had a certain sparkle.

"Where'd you get that? No! I don't want to know! It's just my bedroom door handle's a little rusty now and- argh! Just give me Clover!" I closed my eyes to hide myself from the evil door handle that was tempting me to do SIN.

Stupid alluring door things.

"You can get them cheap down at Bunning's Warehouse - "

"NO, NO, I DON'T WANNA KNOW!"

I quickly walked off and asked Magnet how to identify different dog breeds.

Hey, when you're desperate enough, anything will do.

--

After a day of watching the delinquents dig, I felt grateful for a nice shower in the Warden's cabin. I passed the living room while going there, and saw Nadine asleep in front of the television with several Starburst Sucks spread out on the coffee table.

I stole a passionfruit one when I went back out.

Hehehe.

I checked the Wreck Room but found no one from D-tent in it, so I proceeded towards the tent. I quickly walked through the flap of a tent I was pretty sure was the fourth one down.

Yes, I forgot to knock again.

Sheesh.

There was only one boy in there, and he was a complete stranger to me.

He had spiked brown hair that was tipped with blonde and amazing green eyes, and he... well, as Claude would say, "was bursting with sex appeal."

The remembrance of the last boy Claude had said was bursting with sex appeal made me squeal, "Ew!"

Sexappeal just looked at me weird, and I don't blame him.

"I mean, not ew!" I exclaimed, "You aren't ew, I was just thinking of this other person and he was ew, but you aren't ew. You're un-ew. But that other guy was completely ew. But you're not! Um - ahh, you're - "

Good jelly, I'm rambling.

"A whole lot more prettier?" Exppeal suggested, with a roguish smile.

"Err - "

"More sexy?"

"Uhh - "

"Hornier?"

"NO, but you sure are close!" I clapped a hand over my mouth and said to myself, _"SHUT UP BEFORE I LEAVE YOU!"_

"Really?" Xpeal smiled at me even more.

"Say, which tent is this?" I said as casually as possible.

"C."

"Oh, my extreme BAD," I said, keeping calm, "Sorry for any inconvenience."

Then I backed out moonwalk style and quickly paced over to D-tent.

"HELP ME!" I screamed when I was invited in, "I NEED HELP!"

"I know," X-Ray said, sorting through a pile of tokens on his cot.

"Why you need help, chicka?" Armpit asked.

I sighed and explained.

They all just gaped at me when I finished.

"You told a guy he was _horny_?"

"Not just any guy - he had _really_ nice eyes..." I closed my eyes in a dream-like state.

When I opened them again, Squid was glaring at me.

"You can't get mixed up with C-tent," he told me scathingly.

"Why not? You guys always hang out with them at the pool table," I said obstinately.

"She's righ' there," Armpit said to Squid, "Anyway, what _is_ so bad 'bout C-tent? They're like the most decent dudes here."

The others murmured in agreement.

Squid just scowled.

Zigzag looked at me and made little odd movements with his eyebrows, and I would've laughed if Squid hadn't just been so mean.

I stood there as stiffly as possible, hoping they would forget about me and think I was part of the architecture.

"Hey, can you hold these for me?" X-Ray asked thickly, handing me his pair of ultra-thick glasses.

I stayed silent for three seconds, just to finish up my statue act, then breathed and said, "Yeah."

He smiled, "Thanks."

I tapped the rim of his glasses and waited as he folded his clothes and towel. It was funny, almost, seeing a tough person like X-Ray fold his clothes.

I was trying not to giggle and trying to stay angry at Squid.

"Man, what's wrong with your face?" Zigzag asked me, "I've heard of split personalities but you are _really_ creeping me out..."

"Shut up, Zig, and go look at some fire."

"Well, gee, talk about PEE-EM-ESS."

I dropped X-Ray's glasses.

"OI! Hey! That hurt!" X-Ray hollered, spinning around and pointing at me accusingly.

"Accidents happen!" I cried, bending down and picking the glasses up, "See! All better now."

"They better be!"

I rolled my eyes as X-Ray snatched the glasses back and began to inspect every square inch. I turned and walked into a cot.

Now, this cot was no ordinary cot. It was cursed.

All I did was walk into it and it collapsed! Honest!

"MY COT!" Armpit screamed as he whirled around. He fell onto his knees and wept over the remains of his cot, "MY BEAUTIFUL COT!"

D-tent turned to stare at me accusingly.

"Accidents happen!"

"Dude, not accidents like _that_."

"Dude," I said, imitating Squid, "My friend once walked in on her mother cooking dinner nude. Now _that_ was an accident."

"Dude, over sharing. Please shut up."

--

"Dude, this is tight."

"Dude, stop saying dude," I said.

"Okay, moonlit man."

Squid is weird.

We had just entered the (drumroll) hugely spacious kitchen of Camp Green Lake.

"What are we gonna make?" Squid asked, with a hint of worry in his voice.

"SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE!" I said cheerfully. Maybe staying positive will make my headache go away, "We'll make dishes and dishes of spaghetti bolognaise, enough to feed the entire world! And then peaches and strawberry salad for dessert!"

I grinned at Squid.

He just looked at me weird.

I dropped the grin, "Look, I'm trying to be happy here."

"Ohh..." Squid looked blank for a moment, "Happy days, happy days!"

I hitched the grin back on, "Yes, happy days! Now get your butt over here and help me."

**FIVE MINUTES LATER.**

"Moonlit man... there won't be enough saucepans to cook the spaghetti."

"Oh no," I said in mock fear, "We'll just have to call the mutants and surrender!"

"No need to be so sarcastic."

We spent the next five minutes raiding the cupboards and cabinets to gather up every single plate, saucepan, colander, container, pot and bowl we could find.

"Okay," I said in a business-like voice, "Squid, we'll use two of the huge pots to boil the spaghetti. When one pot is done, we'll clip out the spaghetti and put it in the colander. Then we'll boil another load."

"Clip out?" Squid repeated with a raised eyebrow, "Do you have any idea what you're doing, 'lil girl?"

"No, but... shhh," I said shiftily, putting a finger to my lips.

"Okay, I promise not to tell, but things have a way of getting 'round at Camp Green Lake."

"Just like at Palmoilin," I said, glancing at Squid. Then I grabbed an onion and began peeling it. He watched me for a little while, then came over.

"What's with the onion?"

"It's for the sauce. We need onions for the sauce."

"Really?" a look between confusion and scepticality crossed Squid's face. It was sort of adorable, in a way.

"Yes," I said patiently.

"How many?"

"Uhh... I dunno."

We began to peel and chop onions, not really bothering to see how many we needed for the sauce. Which really wasn't my fault, as I am _not_ touching this spaghetti. Whoever heard of a girl who poisoned herself? Unintentionally? With too many onions in spaghetti bolognaise sauce?

So what if the boys get a little bit of an oniony sauce? It won't kill them.

And - ahhh, sugar.

I'm starting to cry.

"What's the matter?" Squid said, looking alarmed, "Is it time for your bottle or somethin'?"

Dude, how could Nadine like this "moonlit man"?

"No," I sniffed, "I'm not crying."

"I never said you were," Mr. Moonlit Man said musingly.

"Yes, but you were _implying_ it," I said stubbornly, sniffing again.

"I was not implying anything."

"Then why'd you ask me if I was okay?" my voice wavered and a few truly pathetic ONION TEARS fell down onto the chopping board.

" 'Lil girl, please stop crying into the onions. You're cross-contaminating," Squid said in a would be sympathetic voice.

"Squid," I said angrily, dropping the knife, "Your fly's undone."

"It is not."

Dang. Well, it takes two to... eat a pudding.

"How'd you know?" I asked, wiping my oniony hand over my stinging eyes, thus causing more tears to form.

Why am I so stu -

I will not finish that question.

Squid smiled, "I checked this morning."

I actually stopped doing whatever I was doing to gape at him.

"Who in the world checks to see if their fly's undone?"

"Many people." A calm look was on his face. It was really irritating me. I mean, he could be angry, or sad, or completely insane, but _calm_?

"Like who?" I challenged, "UGH!" I brought up my sleeve and mopped at my eyes. Stupid onions. Why did they have to be emotionally heart breaking?

Squid put down the knife and reached for my chopping board.

"Me," he said peaceably.

Tch. Bumhole.

"But why would you?" I sniffed.

"So we can prove smart-alec girls like you wrong when they say our fly's undone."

"You're annoying," I said, unable to hide my smile.

"I know. Want me to cut the onions? You can start on the peaches, then," Squid looked up from my old MENTAL onion that he was beginning to dice.

"Okay," I said in a small voice.

**NINETY MINUTES LATER.**

Oh, thank _goodness._

It's over.

It really is over.

The time of suffering and pain is _over_.

"...are you listening to me?"

No. Now go away.

I will meditate always to make sure that IT is over.

No interruptions whatsoever. Because _it is o_ -

WHAM.

Stinging pain on the side of my head.

"WHAT," I shrieked, whirling around to glare at Squid, "IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

"You weren't listening to me," he said simply, putting down the spatula he had just hit me with, "You keep spacing out-"

"I'm not spacing out," I replied softly. _Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Exhale slowly and let your surroundings disappear..._

"I'll hit you again!" Squid yelled.

"But I'm listening," I said gently, "And please don't yell. We are in the house of sanctuary and calmful nature. Any loud noises may shatter - "

Squid sprang up and scampered away, looking frightened.

I smiled smugly.

Man, am I that scary?

--

To cut a long story short, the boys seemed to like the spaghetti bolognaise. Squid began to brag and say that he cut the onions all by himself.

Nadine stopped looking at me and waving at me occasionally, like she used to. She sat with B-tent and stared moodily at the table. I don't think she even touched the spaghetti.

Her aunt's a big meanie.

I ended up eating the spaghetti. It tasted alright. Then we had the peaches and strawberries salad and I ate it while meditating. Caveman's allergic to strawberries so he began to throw them at Armpit who tried to catch them with his mouth.

It was weird.

But funny in a way.

The boys had a "karaoke" afterwards. They sang like they were drunk. Who knows. Maybe the peaches had alcohol in them.

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

2nd of August.

_Mood: contemplative_  
_Time: 11:34am_

_I've just had a really long talk with Magnet about his past. It's quite interesting..._

--

Magnet's life, like X-Ray's, hadn't been all that sad. In fact, 'twas normal. His family was really wealthy, and he had three sisters. Illeana (17), Rubella (16) and Joyceline (12). He said that he had really wanted a dog ever since he was five, but his mother and father were always warning him saying, "You'll have to feed it and clean up after it and take it for walks..."

"I've always liked animals. When I was three, we all went to this barnyard thing and we got to see all these neat animals and feed them. Joyce cried when Momia held her too close to a horse, and Illy and Ruby hated how they got dirty from the pigs. But Illy really liked everything else. And I loved everything."

Apparently, he lived really close to a dog obedience school, and he would always go to see the shows they put on.

"Momia and Papa would take me and Joyce to watch, and Illy and Ruby would come if they weren't shopping or watching movies. The first show I watched I was five. Ever since then, I wanted a puppy. I begged Momia and Papa, but they kept putting it off."

Then when Magnet was seven, his parents got him a tiny little Jack Russel. He called him Amigos. Ain't that so cute? It means friend in Spanish, just in case you didn't know. Magnet said he was his best friend.

"We'd do everything together. Illy and Joyce loved him, too, and Papa always spoilt it. But he was mine," Magnet's chest puffed up in pride, "And Amigos liked me best. Momia would throw him leftovers from dinner. Amigos loved catching it. Ruby was the only one who didn't really like him. Dunno why."

Now Magnet's a crazed dog dude. He said on Amigos' first birthday, he wanted to buy a jewel-studded collar, a dog birthday card complete with Amigos' name, a doggy cushion and about a million toys.

"It wasn't much."

NOT MUCH?

"Momia and Papa wouldn't hear of it. They got two toys and the collar, but they said anything else and they might as well morph Amigos into a human. I didn't understand why. Amigos was part of our family, and we always got more presents than he did on our birthdays."

IT'S COZ HE'S A DOG, MAGNET!

He shrugged, "I guess that was when I first started stealing. I'd heard Ruby doin' it. She and her friends always took lip gloss and mirrors and other stuff without paying for it. She told me it was easy. My first time was at our pet store, the one Momia and Papa bought Amigos and his food and toys. I just took a rubber bone and slipped away."

Naughty, naughty boy. Yes, and then after that, Magnet just kept taking stuff without paying for it, although his parents were swimming in cash. He said they weren't stupid and used money like toilet paper. They were careful with it, and gave lots to charities and stuff.

They sound like worthy Palmoilin material to me.

Amigos died when Magnet was twelve. I don't want to remember what Magnet said because it was really teary and I don't wanna cry.

Almost two years later, Magnet saw a little Jack Russel in the pet shop window display. Its eyes lit up and its tail wagged when it saw Magnet.

"He looked exactly like Amigos. And it was all locked up, like it was in jail, being stared at by ugly people and having stupid two-year-olds poking and making fun of it. I couldn't leave it there."

So he went in to ask how much for the puppy in the window.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing... one thousand schmoleons.

"I sure as hell wasn't going to go to Momia and Papa for that kinda money. I hadn't asked them for money in a long time. They probably wondered where I got half my stuff. We didn't get pocket money. Illy and Ruby had jobs, but Ruby stole heaps anyway."

The week after, he came back with a coat that had huge pockets. There was a fluffy Persian kitten in the display, so Magnet went in. There was the little Jack Russel in a cage.

"It was all the way in the back corner. Just last week, it was the glory of the shop. And then it was shunted aside."

And so when nobody was looking, Magnet opened the cage and gently put the puppy in one of his pockets. He was surprised it didn't put up much of a struggle, nor did it make any noise.

"I was at the door when my pocket started barkin'."

HAHAHAHA.

Sorry, I still find that funny.

The whole store went quiet. The manager demanded to see his pockets.

BARK BARK went the puppy.

Magnet was DOOMED.

Muahahaha.

THUMP went the judge's hammer.

"Eighteen _and a half months_, Camp Green Lake."

--

_And then he ended up here, in this hole._

_More later,_

_Andii__._

--

A/N: Man, I'm scared. They bombed the Australian embassy in Jakarta (Indonesia). That's just scary. This chapter is really long, so I don't want to talk too much here. Just thanks. For everything. ((hugs)) By the way, the "Interragacion" is supposed to have a fancy thingy over the "O" but I can't do it coz it turns out funny on this site. And there's a part where Magnet speaks some Spanish, I used an internet translator so it's most likely REALLY OFF. Bye bye m'dears! Yeah, I'm a Christian. :) - msq.


	12. Not Much Ado About: MAGNET

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: _trucalifornian_ and _LadyGlory_

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twelve ll Not Much Ado About: MAGNET**

--

Hi. My name's Andromeda, but most people call me Andii. My mum calls me "Poppet" sometimes, and sometimes daddy calls me "Doughy Butter".

Don't ask.

My sister calls me "Sis" and nothing else. Oh, unless she's angry at me. Then she calls me a one-eyed, one-honked, flying, purple people-eater.

Say... what would you answer if you were confronted by the question, "Relationship with other members of camp, and specify", and you're talking about a particular Spanish boy called Magnet?

You don't know?

Precisely what _I_ was thinking.

I'm sitting here trying to figure the best approach to answering these deeelightful questions. I've managed to bluff my way through X-Ray, Zigzag and even Armpit, but now it's Magnet, and all the fun has evaporated.

Not that there was a puddle of fun to begin with, but you get my point.

I ticked "semi-close comrades" dreamily and moved onto the next question.

_Does he prove to be a threat?_

No.

_Is he;_

_Violent?_

No.

_Boisterous?_

What does that mean? Oh, well. No.

_Profane?_

I really think that's a stupid question, but I ticked the "No" anyway.

I randomly finished the questionnaire and breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally complete.

That's four boys done now. Four down, three to go.

I'm beginning to really hate this.

So what are the boys doing? Well, if you wanna be fun, they could be playing "Go Fish" or watching "Cheaper By The Dozen" and drooling over the oh-so-cute Jacob Smith (although they're boys, and boys drooling over other boys isn't exactly normal), or maybe even cooking apple muffins or making up a pop dance.

But if you wanna be boring and realistic, they're digging their forsaken holes.

I took off my visor, screamed when the sun rays pierced me, and quickly shoved it back on.

I am, like, _so_ totally bored.

It's the third of August. Nothing much happened yesterday. Other than the fact that a new kid came and he smuggled in a tennis ball. He got put into A-tent and it just so happened it was D-tent's turn for a gambling session with A-tent.

There were six boys involved. Three from A and three from D. X-Ray, Armpit and Squid represented D.

Armpit lost straight away. Then Squid and an Asian kid from A-tent were kicked out.

In due time, it was only X-Ray and a guy called Dozen (A-tent dude) left. By then, there was a rather large pile of winnings. Eleven shower tokens, a lighter without a flame, someone's framed photo of their girlfriend and the tennis ball.

Man, that sucked. I've watched my friends gamble (innocently), and the winnings are _decent_ things like small amounts of money, stray tubes of lip gloss, eyeliner, CDs (_always_ singles, _never_ albums), posters of cute actors, gel pens, and sometimes our parents' old credit cards go for the ride.

The gambling was sort of fascinating, but we were interrupted by Zero who had _finally_ reached a decision to who would win the debate Armpit and I had _ages_ ago.

"It's..." he said, his dark eyes roving from one side to the other. If I didn't know him better, I'd say he was creating suspense.

"A draw."

My mouth fell open.

All those days of judging and _this_ is how he repays me?

Armpit, however, said, "A _what_?"

And he wasn't even saying it because he couldn't believe it. He just didn't know what it was.

Which was typical, but still so _daft_ of him.

I'm one to talk, aren't I?

Moving on.

X-Ray won. Dozen looked like he was about to burst into stormy tears. X-Ray could've cared less. He split the shower tokens between D-tent and gave the leftovers to Armpit. He tossed the useless lighter to Zigzag, threw the photo of a girl out the window and then seemed vaguely interested in the tennis ball.

"Who wants to play handball?" he asked us with a grin.

I guess that _could_ explain how we smashed the window of Mr. Sir's office.

They say it's my fault, but it so isn't.

From, "Hey, catch this, chicka!" up to, "Oh _shat_, RUN!", it was never my fault.

So what if I was standing right in front of the window? Magnet should have never thrown it at me.

I can't catch.

I even told them that.

But did they listen?

Noooooooo.

_"It'll be fine, 'lil girl! Just don't scream and run away when it comes at you."_

Which is _precisely_ what I did do, but I can't be blamed.

Because I'm a girl, and girls like me always scream and run away when they see a ball flying at them.

As soon as Magnet yelled, "RUN!" we ran. I held my tongue and didn't scream for once. We just scattered off in different directions. Some of us dived into neighbouring tents, the others jumped into holes and I hid behind a tall, lanky guy.

You could've heard Mr. Sir yelling and raging like a hippo from the Philippines, I swear.

When we thought it was safe, we ran back to the Wreck Room and the boys almost wet their pants laughing.

Listening to them, you'd have thought that was the highlight of their day. Which is _really_ sad.

Before dinner, Mr. Sir called each of the tents in to interview us on what happened.

It was sorta like an interrogation.

After C-tent, it was our turn, and I had to come along since I've been "recruited" to their tent, basically.

"So..." Mr. Sir managed to seethe, "_Does anyone know what happened to my window_?"

"Oh yes," Zigzag said brightly, "I remember it like it was yesterday..."

X-Ray and Magnet trod heavily on either foot. Zigzag didn't so much as blink.

"Uh Zig, it happened today," Squid said.

"I know, that's why I can't remember anything."

Ahaha, Zig's a funny man. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

Mr. Sir glowered at Zigzag, who stared back as if he was a merely interesting television programme.

Zig's weird.

"There was this," Mr. Sir stopped glaring and produced the tennis ball, "I think this might've been what caused the window to break."

"You _think_?" I said blankly before I could stop myself.

Squid hit me on the head lightly.

Everyone else sent me fleeting "SHUT UP OR DIE" looks.

"YES!" Mr. Sir shrieked, "AND I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID THIS!"

"Sir, you're not supposed to have that here," Squid said with polite interest.

"WHA - what?" Mr. Sir gruffed, trying very hard to keep his temper.

"Yeah. There's a sign outside that says so. Oh, look, there's one here too."

On Mr. Sir's desk was a flowered-framed sign that began with the words, "You are now entering Camp Green Lake Juvenile Correctional Facility."

Mr. Sir turned a delicate shade of magenta before he slammed the sign down, hiding the hideous flower motif.

But Squid still read it out loud; I think he had it memorised.

"It is a violation of the Texas Penal Code to bring guns, explosives, weapons, drugs, or alcohol onto the premises."

We were all a little bewildered for a moment.

Then Mr. Sir said, "But this isn't any of those things."

"Oh, but you're wrong there," Squid said with the air of someone who is secretly bursting to go, 'I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW, DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH', "This little tennis ball has proved to be quite a tricky weapon. Innocent it may seem, but you yourself have seen what deadly things it can do when used inappropriately. As for the drugs or alcohol... who knows, maybe the inside is full of vodka or cocaine."

Squid needs mental help, but I could tell his words were turning the cogs in Mr. Sir's somewhat dense head.

"You think?" he grunted.

"Yes, I do," Squid nodded.

Mr. Sir made another little grunt while he inspected the tennis ball.

"I'll keep tha' in mind, Squid. Alright, get your little kindergarten selves back to dinner."

My jaw dropped open.

The boys who looked positively relieved and happy all shot glares at me.

Squid put a hand underneath my chin and closed it.

It dropped open again.

"Shut it, 'lil gal," I heard X-Ray murmur in a dangerous voice.

We left in single file.

I made a beeline for my tent as soon as we were out.

"Where're you goin'?" X-Ray shouted after me.

"I'm leaving this crazy place; I've never met more daft people or... such psychos!" I burst out, "I really have to go before it infects me too!"

I was sincerely scared out of my mind. Mr. Sir had actually _considered_ what Squid said, when it was obviously a load of waffle.

Maybe if I stay here too long, I'll become that waffle-ish too!

And that really blew my mind out.

In the end, it was Caveman who convinced me to stay.

He's a comfort to me. I mean, he's been here for a month and he's still as sane as can be.

Okay, enough with yesterday. Quit living in the past.

"You look bored," Magnet said, plopping next to me on the dirt and taking a drink from his canteen.

"I am," I replied, yawning, "Extremely bored."

It is the third of August, and I am still BORED.

Everyone could have a field day; the Most Boring Day On Earth.

I'm depressing myself.

So I took out my digital camera, took a happy-snap of Magnet and shut my eyes when he spat water all over me.

Ew.

--

Magnet had almost finished digging his three-foot hole when I suddenly remembered something.

Dun, dun, dun.

"SQUID!" I hollered, leaping up and streaking towards Squid. "I WANT CLOVER!"

"Ohhhh..." Squid looked down and dug some more dirt, "Um, about that..."

Oh boy. This doesn't sound good.

I put on my most evil look.

He took a deep breath.

"Zig-wanted-to-play-with-it-but-I-didn't-want-to-leave-him-alone-with-it-so-we-went-outside-and-then-he-accidentally-dropped-Clover-in-a-hole-and-before-we-could-do-anything-the-dirt-pile-collapsed-on-top-and-I-was-going-to-dig-it-back-up-but-I-forgot."

"..."

AHAHAHAHAHA.

That's funny.

"Dude, that's funny," I said with the smallest traces of a smile on my face.

Squid fell over, swore, picked himself up and said, "Really?"

"Yes, it's the most amusing thing I've heard all day."

"Oh..."

And he managed a smile.

As soon as he smiled, I changed my facial expression to something beyond furious.

"I am going to _murder_ you."

"Ay... I had a feeling you'd say that," Squid mumbled.

"DANG RIGHT!" I shrieked. Then I did a Xena whoop and leapt on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a headlock.

"AHHH! GET OFF ME, YOU CRAZY WOMAN!"

"CRAZY? YOU BURIED MY COW UNDER FIVE-FEET WORTH OF DIRT! YOU IMBECILE! TAKE SOME OF THAT - AND THAT!"

"Good gracious. Get off him, 'lil gal!"

I felt someone pull me off Squid.

**FIVE MINUTES LATER.**

"_No_ fighting," X-Ray repeated.

We were sitting in a circle as if were back in kindy (I wish we were) and X-Ray was giving us a Very-Disappointed-Teacher lecture.

"But - " I started.

"NO. Be quiet."

"But he - "

"I don't want to hear it."

"HE'SGAY!"

"I most certainly am not, 'lil girl," Squid said, sounding offended.

HYNE, this is all the Muffin Man's fault. Curse you.

"About this balaclava cow thing - " X-Ray continued.

"His name is _Clover_!" I said through clenched teeth.

"Whatever - you two are gonna have to stay out here and dig him back up."

"But I didn't _do_ anything!" I shouted.

"Um, excuse me?" Squid said politely, jabbing at the cut underneath his eye. "You have disfigured my beautiful face."

I snorted.

--

HAHAHAHA.

I am so _high_.

Hehehehe. Oooh look, a cloud.

Cloud pretty.

Dirt yucky.

"Pass me the overly-large spoon, me hearty!" I said with a shriek of hysterical laughter.

Squid, who was a bit bewildered at my sudden mood change but obviously rathered me being one percent close to entering a mental institute than one percent close to ripping his head off, passed me a shovel.

"Many expressions of gratitude, young sir!" I cried happily.

Ahoy hoy! Squid and I were just beginning our merry adventure. I'm calling it **Mission Dig Up Clover With A Shovel**. Or just MDUCWAS for short.

It'll be extremely fun, don't you think?

Everyone else had gone back in, even Caveman. Squid had pinpointed the desired location (where Clover had been "accidentally" buried) and now we were gearing ourselves up for the battle...

...the dig... whatever.

I was crouched down with my shovel held in a way I thought soldiers held their rifles.

"Ready?" I whispered to Squid.

"For what?" he said, sounding nervous.

"For IT!" I hissed, "Okay... one, two, three... CHARGE!"

I leapt up and began to run as if expecting someone to drop a bomb on me. I reached the hole and began to dig like crazy.

"WATCH OUT 'LIL GIRL, THE ENEMY HAS SIGHTED US! I REPEAT, THE ENEMY HAS SIGHTED US!" Squid yelled, charging up from behind me.

We both plunged to the dirt (I didn't even care if I was getting my clothes dirty) and crawled nearer to the hole. Squid made machine gun noises.

Then... silence.

"It's safe now," I whispered. I got to my feet and began to dig again, very hurriedly.

"We have to rescue one of our comrades," I said hurriedly, "C'mon, quickly, before they come back!"

For the rest of the dig Squid and I acted as if we were on a battlefield. We probably looked like idiots, but we had a lot of fun. It was really easy to dig up the dirt, because it had been previously dug up before and was extremely loose. It was like digging up sand at the beach.

"I SEE AN ARM! I REPEAT; I SEE AN ARM!" I screamed when I saw... well, I think it's obvious.

Squid dropped his shovel and dived into the hole. He landed in the dirt and picked up Clover.

"WE HAVE A COW. I REPEAT; WE HAVE A COW," he announced, holding him up.

I dropped my shovel as well and hugged Clover tightly.

"We did it, we did it!" I said, beaming. I linked arms with Squid and we danced around, until we imagined helicopters shooting acorns at us and we ran off with our hands above our heads and half-hunched over.

Mission DUCWAS is complete.

Halfway towards the compound, we grew bored of our battlefield game and thought out a good story in which we made peace with whoever we had been battling against.

Squid was carrying the two shovels while I played with Clover in a way very similar to how a mother would play with her three-month-old baby.

We continued to walk complacently.

I'm sure Squid was trying to talk to me, but I wasn't really listening. He wasn't making much sense, anyway. He was murmuring in a rhythm, so I decided he was singing. It sounded suspiciously like some sort of Usher song.

"...INSTEAD OF GOING UNDER!" he suddenly burst out loud, strumming the shovels as if they were guitars.

I almost leapt out of my skin.

"SHH! Clover's _trying_ to sleep!" I hissed.

Squid grinned sheepishly.

Then it happened. One minute, the compound was in view and I could see the sky. The next, everything was flying up. Meaning I was falling down.

For a moment, I thought, _Oh no, Final Judgement has arrived and God's not pleased with me. _Then I saw a small circle representing blue sky and I thought, _Why__ is hell so colourful?_

_Then_ I saw Squid's face hovering above me and I realised I had walked into a hole. And broken a billion bones. Well, my ribs were aching at any rate, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand up without some help. Now that I think about it, my ankle was tingling unpleasantly, and I hoped it wasn't broken.

Squid was laughing, "You okay there, 'lil girl?"

Despite the pain I was in, I rolled my eyes.

"It's not funny. I think I broke my stomach and I need help getting up." Oops, mistake.

"You can't break your stomach, 'lil girl," Squid said, still laughing as he carefully eased himself down into the hole. He offered me his hand, which I stared at.

"If I could just pull myself up, then I would've done it already," I stated blankly.

Squid rolled his eyes, "What d'ya want me to do?"

"Get Mr. Pendanski or someone!" I yelped.

"Nah, the man's good for nothing," Squid said with an uncharacteristic growl. Then he bent over and slid his arm around my waist.

I almost gasped at the contact. _Almost._

"What are you doing?" I asked, trying to stay calm.

"Picking you up - you obviously can't walk," he grunted, lifting me up and supporting me. I winced as he gently placed me onto the surface.

Good old sky.

Squid then got out of the hole himself and looked at me, "Are you alright?"

As much as I hated admitting it, I shook my head.

"It hurts," I whined. "It really hurts." I was still clutching onto Clover tightly.

Squid bit his lip and sighed. He turned away for a few seconds, then turned back to me and said, "C'mon, I'll carry you back."

_Huh_?

"No, no, no," I said feverishly, "_No_."

"Yes," he said firmly, his chocolate brown eyes fixed on me intently.

They made me feel really uneasy.

"I'm too fat, you'll drop me halfway," I protested.

Squid snorted, "Yeah, and I'm horny for Pendanski."

"EW!" I shrieked, scrunching up my face.

I'm going to have nightmares!

Goodness help me.

I'd been too busy trying to block out mental images to realise that Squid had me cradled in his arms. He had simply lifted me off the ground and was carrying me in his arms.

I'm freaking out here.

_OHMYGOODNESSAGUYISCARRYINGME_.

He was holding me relatively gently and was walking slower and more carefully. And... his arms were warm.

Though I've never heard of anyone with cold arms, but still...

They were _really_ warm and nice.

"Are you feeling better now, _princess_?" he asked teasingly as he slowly walked towards the compound.

"Yes," I said in a tiny voice.

I wanted to stay in his arms a little while longer, because it felt really good. Like I was safe and protected.

SNIFF.

So corny. So very corny, it makes me cringe.

Squid held me a little tighter and I squirmed, because, although it made me feel really warm and fuzzy all over, it also made me feel edgy and nervous.

I can hear Claude shrieking inside of my head.

"OH-MY-GOSH-A-GUY-CARRIED-YOU-THAT-IS-ROMANTIC-YOU-LUCKY-COW."

Romantic?

Where had _that_ come from?

CRUD. Claudette is taking over my mind. It's bad enough I have myself in charge of my mind, it's even worse if there's a part of Claude in it.

Then I ignored the edgy feeling and my best friend's oddness, and relaxed. I put my head against Squid's chest and let it rest there. It felt snug and comfortable, and I closed my eyes...

I must've fallen asleep for about 0.35 seconds, because I had a vague dream that included Harry Potter dancing in a bikini with Snape singing, "Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're ma sex bomb."

And in the background Trelawney was stripping whilst singing, "The one, with the power to vanquish, the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thriiiice defiiieed him. Born as the seventh month dies..." to the tune of 'This Love' by Maroon 5.

Then the dream changed and I heard Squid say, "I'm horny for Pendanski."

So instinctively, I screamed and jerked wide awake.

"AHHHH!" yelled Squid.

I felt myself plunging down (whee, I'm flying!), but then that pleasant feeling ended when I came into forceful contact with hard and dusty ground.

**Owwww****.**

I blearily opened my eyes and saw... the sky? Circular sky?

Oh, _man_.

I've fallen into a hole _again._

Suddenly, I had the whole scene envisioned. Me screaming and taking Squid by surprise. Squid yelling and dropping me at my sudden movement. A hole most conveniently placed underneath me.

Someone up there doesn't like me very much.

SNIFF.

"Hey, are you okay?" came a weak voice.

'Twas Squid.

The poor guy.

I actually feel sorry for him.

Oh, _ewwwww_.

I can't feel sorry for a delinquent.

_Too late, you've felt sorry for all of them already_.

Wow. I'm, like, talking to myself.

Let us take this moment to quote a verse from the Bible.

...Revelations, chapter -

Maybe I should reply to Squid.

"NO! I've been dropped into a hole two times! It hurts! I'm going to _die_!"

Okay, tad bit of an exaggeration.

"You won't die. You'll just be in a physical condition by the time you're a hundred and twenty five," came Squid's cynical voice. He picked me up again and I almost shrieked and hit him in the face. (Don't ask me way.)

We had almost reached my orange tent when I whimpered, "Please don't drop me again."

Squid grinned, "I won't."

And he didn't. He carried me pretty delicately and handled me with care.

...Do I have FRAGILE stamped on my forehead?

Squid eased me back onto the ground and I managed to stay up on my feet. I said a soft goodbye to him and staggered over to my tent.

When I was inside, I peeked out and watched him walk off.

And I smiled.

Squid just carried me back to my tent. And I liked it. And given the chance, I'd let him do it again. And again. And again.

Being held that way made me feel really... loved.

_Loved?_

I am _not_ living in a romance novel.

--

A/N: BWAHAHAHA! I HOPE THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE WHO WANTED SOME SQUID/ANDII ACTION. Now that that's over, I have much to do! Like study! STUDY! Sigh... IT'S THE HOLIDAYS IN ONE WEEK BWAHAHAHAHA. ((REJOICES)) Oh, and if you could be ever-so-nice as to read my Zero story... "My Angel, My Only". I worked really hard on it:) Umm... who likes Cheaper By The Dozen! That's my fave movie right after Holes. BECAUSE OF 'LIL JACOB SMITH. He is so adorably adorable. It's not even funny. But in my world, unfunny things are funny. I'm working on a CBTD fic. I am appalled because fan fiction doesn't have a CBTD section. 'Tis insultive! Okay, maybe I should be off. Sayanora! - msq.


	13. The Sane Dude: CAVEMAN

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: Pippinfan25, Lucky38, Harry Potter's Crazed Stalker, PopcornLeader, Marshmallows, lost without a name, iCe-KiTtEn08 and CRIMSON CANDY:)

As for _Mellabee_ and _Ronniekinsgrl_, I already "sort-of-ly" dedicated MAMO to you. :) So you know I love you. Hehe.

Thanking you all dearly!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Thirteen ll The Sane Dude: CAVEMAN**

--

**Day 14**

" 'Oh how I loveth you, my darling Danielle. I shall sweep you off your feet and - ' "

" - give birth to a goat," Armpit finished for me.

"_No,_ Armpit. What it _says_ is, 'I shall sweep you off your feet and take you back to my palace'."

"How can a prince give birth to a goat?" X-Ray snorted, tossing a stone up and catching it. "Men can't even get pregnant."

Why, X-Ray. You overwhelm me with your logic.

Of course, I was wise enough by now not to say that out loud.

"Haven't you _ever_ seen _Junior_?" Zigzag asked, and I was reminded irresistibly of Hermione Granger when she's stating that fact that obviously _no one_ has ever read _Hogwarts: A History_.

"That was a movie, anything could happen," Caveman said logically.

"Well, she's reading a _romance novel_," Squid pointed out, his voice slightly muffled as he tried to keep the toothpick in his mouth.

Yes, I read romance novels. Sue me. It was a really old-fashioned one, at that. One of my friends sent me a trilogy for my birthday.

"What happens after that?" Zig asked eagerly.

"Never you mind," I said snootily, snapping the book shut and throwing it across the Wreck Room on impulse.

"OW!"

Oops.

"Wow, you hit... some random from E," Caveman commented.

I yawned.

"DINNER! DINNER, DINNER, DINNER!"

"I think it's dinner," Armpit said.

"Nah, man!" X-Ray said sarcastically, whacking him over the head. But he was grinning affectionately.

"Smart dude, Pit," Squid added, grinding his knuckles into Armpit's head. Magnet, Caveman and Zigzag all laughed and shook their heads as they got up and walked towards the Mess Hall.

Zero, smiling widely, leapt up and jumped on Armpit's back, who yelled and tried to wrestle him off, but Zero stayed on. In the end (after a minute of laughing and wrestling) he had to give Zero a piggy-back ride.

I smiled subconsciously while I watched, left by myself on the couch.

These guys have such a close friendship. It's so cute. They all act so tough and cool on the outside (especially X-Ray), but they are such little softies on the inside.

I guess Mr. Pendanski was right.

Today was my first day of interviewing the CAVEMAN! I was really looking forward to it, 'cause Caveman's the type of boy I've always imagined in a wonderful, protective, _cool_ older brother.

Look, there's a piece of fluff.

Beautiful.

_Anyway_, I found out some pretty EXPLOSIVE stuff. Well, not really.

Caveman's been here a little over a month (I already knew that), his birthday is the second of September (I have my notebook open in my lap), his real name is Stanley Yelnats (isn't it so cool? It's a palindrome!) and he's fifteen, almost sixteen (just like about everyone else in D-tent.)

So many things you can learn in a day. Oh, my ribs have stopped aching too. I've got a few bruises, but that's it. Being dropped into a hole twice hasn't done me any _real_ damage.

Physical, anyway.

"Come on, Andii," Zero called from the D-tent table.

"Coming!" I called back. Lately, Zero's been a little more outspoken and open. It's really cute. The boys are taking it really well, though I did hear Magnet tell Squid that he was surprised.

Zero _never_ talks.

Hahaha, well he does now!

And it'll be so cool if it was because of _moi_.

I walked over to the table and none of the other boys so much as blinked as I walked past.

I'm still the "Inspector Girl", the "CHICK" that got sent to D-tent, but none of them really care anymore.

I've been accepted.

ABOUT TIME, MISTRO!

I glanced down at the dinner (which we didn't need to collect today) and said nothing. Because, well, I'd grown used to CGL's food.

It was Mystery Meat on top of a substance that looked like Pasta.

"Go Pit, go. Go Pit, go."

"Go Zig, go. Go Zig, go."

I scrunched up my face in disgust when I saw Zigzag and Armpit involved in a competition.

_'Who can finish their ridiculously abominable plates of food first?'_

That is so...

I dug out my thesaurus.

..._dreadfully, obscurely, atrociously, shamefully_ revolting!

And I was about to say so when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw a sheepish Nadine.

"Nadine!" I blinked and wondered why the sky was blue. "Hi! Erm - what are you doing here?"

Nadine looked slightly offended, then blinked her brilliant blue eyes and sighed. She had a bag slung over her shoulder.

"I thought... I'd say goodbye," she said shiftily. " 'Cause... I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" I repeated distantly.

Okay, I was a bit distracted. I was thinking of this really sad movie about a girl who falls in love for the first time, but realises she's dying.

Claude and I were crying like babies with no wowwipopth at the end of it.

"Yes. Leaving," Nadine said, looking at me oddly. "And it was nice meeting you, Andii. It really was."

"Oh..." I gave myself a mental shake to follow up on what she was saying, "Yeah. It was nice meeting you, too."

She gave me a half-smile, turned around, and walked out.

I bit my lip.

_You're so rude, Andii_.

Says who?

D-tent had the courtesy to keep quiet until Nadine had left.

"_She's gone!_" whooped X-Ray, looking extremely happy, "Gone!"

At that moment, Armpit flung his fork onto the table and yelled, "Eyeth orn!"

Zigzag, who seemed to understand Troll-talk, grimaced and also slammed his fork onto the table.

"Stupid aliens," he murmured.

"Well just blame it on your no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather," Caveman said with a light smile.

The delinquents all laughed, even Zigzag.

I suddenly understood what Armpit had been trying to say.

"_I won_."

He had finished eating first.

Good. Maybe he can have mine as well.

Zero was staring at his plate, pushing the food around with his fork. It took me a moment to see what picture he had formed. It was a face. A happy, smiling face.

Zero caught me staring and smiled.

I grinned back.

"Whoa - steady now - hey - whoa - _whoa_!"

_CRASH_

I burst out laughing when I saw what had happened. Squid, Magnet and Armpit were all sprawled on the floor, moaning and groaning about being winded internally (whatever _that_ means.) Like the delinquents that they are, they'd made a game of leaning back on their chairs, clutching onto one another, seeing how far they could teeter back before their sense of balance disappeared completely and they fell. Together. Onto the floor. Simultaneously.

Believe me, it's worthy of a photo shot.

"My back!" cried Magnet as they pulled him up. "Man, I'm paralysed! What will _momia_ say... ugh... someone call the chiropitcher..."

"First of all, you idiot," X-Ray chortled, picking up Magnet's chair for him. "It's called a chiropractor." (I was laughing too hard by now to add one of my own wisecracks.)

"_Chiropitcher_," snorted Squid while Magnet balled up his fists in the pretence of threatening X-Ray.

"You guys," I said between giggles, randomly stabbing my pasta. "Are so - "

"Winning?" suggested Squid with an adorable smile.

"Subtly intelligent?" asked X-Ray, staring at me through his glasses.

"Sensitive on the inside?" Zero said, gazing warily as Magnet continued to rub his back.

"Valiant enough to deliberately fall off a chair?" groaned Magnet.

"Loopy?" suggested Caveman in a weary, knowing tone.

"Omniscient?" Zigzag nodded vigorously.

Everyone turned to look at Armpit, stuffing his face in with seconds. He looked at us, his mouth half-open.

"Err - famished?"

I smiled widely as I looked at each one of them, shrugged and said peaceably, "Yeah. A little of all of the above, I guess."

"Man, so what does _omniscient_ mean?"

—

_SLAP_.

"OW!" I shrieked, withdrawing my hand which was now raw red on the back. "_Ow_. That really hurt!"

"Don't play if you can't take the strain, 'lil gal," X-Ray said impatiently. He had been saying that all night whenever I screamed, cringed or just _blinked_ because whoever had slapped me had slapped me... _mercilessly._

I bit my tongue and glared at him, but he didn't notice.

So I turned my back to him slightly and watched, with satisfaction, when Zigzag slapped X-Ray's hand.

We're playing this slapping game. There are four moves, and if the person in lead does a move and you unfortunately do the same, they get to slap you on the back of your hand.

Confusing, weird, painful, but entertaining.

Unfortunately, I have this curse that makes me do whatever move the other person does most of the time, so now my hands are getting extremely sore. And when I _do_ get the chance to hit the other boys, they just laugh and say I'm so weak.

They are _so_ mean.

Zero's not playing. He's sitting on the floor near us, reading a sheet of paper with a small frown on his face.

I'd love him as a younger brother.

Armpit's not playing either; that's because he didn't reckon the pasta-and-mystery-meat we had for dinner was satisfactory for his stomach, and he's whining that he wants more.

"Dude... OHMYGOSH that dude's not eating his jelly... dude..."

" 'Lil girl, I think you should stop playing. It looks like you're gonna get a bruise soon," Squid said, eyeing my hand.

"I'm _fine_," I said through clenched teeth.

They had to kick me out.

Then I was stuck listening to Armpit's complaints about an Asian kid from A-tent who wasn't eating the small cup of jelly that was dessert.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I REALLY CARE?

"...what about all those hungry kids in Africa? Dude, he should really eat that... you're not supposed ta waste food... dude..."

"Why don't you just go and ask him for it, then?" I finally exclaimed irritably, crossing out the word "dude" for the fourth time. I was trying to write down notes in my notebook.

_(NOTE: BOYS AT CAMP CAN BE EXTREMELY ANNOYING AND FUSSY.)_

Armpit looked offended, "_I_ don't wanna eat it. I'm just sayin' it's a waste an' all - "

I got up, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him over to the A-tent table.

"Excuse me," I said politely. "This guy here wants to know if you're going to eat that."

Armpit shot me a look that said, _"I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO EAT IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"_ but I knew better.

Looks can be deceiving.

The Asian kid looked confused, then he said, " 'Scuse?"

"Maybe he doesn't speak English," Squid remarked. D-tent had abandoned the slapping game to follow me and Armpit. I think they felt it was their duty to look out for me. Well, I can take care of myself!

Armpit looked disappointed. Then he took my notebook ("Hey!"), took my Moshi Moro pencil ("Hey!") and began to scribble on a random blank page.

"I don't see the point in that. If that kid doesn't know how to speak English, I doubt he'll be able to read it," X-Ray said in that terrible cynical voice of his, "And somehow, I don't think Armpit knows how to write Chinese..."

"Oh! Are you Chinese?" I said brightly, blinking at the Asian boy (who looked confused, I might add), "Ni hao mah!"

He stared at me as if I was a creature from outer-space.

"Or maybe he's Jap - " X-Ray said in a thoughtful voice.

"Konnichiwa!" I tried again.

Still nothing but that _Look_.

"Korean?"

"An-nyoung-haseyo!"

" - or Viet - " Squid added mischievously.

"Chau!"

"What about Filo?" Magnet suggested, glancing at the others with a grin.

"Kumusta ka!"

"Nah. I think he's Italian," Zigzag said casually.

"Bonjourno - hey! You guys are just saying random countries," I exclaimed, ashamed that my smarter intelligence hadn't been able to pick up on that fact.

D-tent grinned at each other sheepishly.

Sigh, that Asian kid must think I'm a complete idiot.

EEEP.

I dared to glance at him, and (GASPSHOCKHORROR) he was smiling.

"Hi. I actually speak English, but it was cool seeing you say all that stuff in those Asian languages."

I groaned, and Squid exclaimed, "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

He shrugged, "It was funny."

Armpit had stopped scribbling, "What, so this is all useless?" He showed the picture he had been drawing; there was jelly coming from the Asian boy (WHO SPEAKS EN-GA-LISH!) towards Armpit, who was grinning with glee, and then the jelly was half-eaten, and then all eaten, and then Armpit was smiling again.

A very well-drawn comic strip.

"Dude, that is so..." Caveman trailed off, gaping at the comic.

"Uber cool," Zigzag finished.

They were goggling at the drawing.

"Oh, stop, you're makin' me blush," Armpit said.

The Asian kid had gotten up. He tossed the cup of jelly at Armpit, who caught it, then walked off saying, "See y'kids later."

"Wow... was that ever confusing," X-Ray said blankly. Then he turned around, grabbed Zigzag's left hand and slapped it.

"SHEESH!" Zigzag yelled.

"C'mon you little dears, time to go to bed," I said in a crackly, grandmotherly voice.

..._Crud._

"Someone help me," Caveman said helplessly, trying to pick Zigzag up from the ground.

The rest of D-tent went forward to calm the seizuring pyromaniac.

--

**Day 15**

"Well, I was born a girl but when I was three I got a sex change and plastic surgery - wait, that didn't make sense. Okay, how's about I was born a boy, then had a sex change when I was three and got breast implants, and _then_ changed back to a guy?" Caveman asked me.

I considered it for a moment, then said, "And while you were a girl you starred in _Coppelia_ as _Swanilda_?"

"Agreed."

We both grinned.

Okay, children, please don't run away. Caveman and I are merely fooling around. I'm _quite_ sure he wasn't born a girl or a boy then had sex changes and plastic surgery while being a graceful ballerina in a tutu.

I was being serious (for once) when I said, "So, tell me about your past," and then he told me **he used to be a milkman at the age of four.**

I laughed and told him to tell me the truth.

So he said **he was forced by his evil stepmother to walk three miles in the snow to get to the post office.**

Soon, I slipped into the joking mood and kept asking him about his past, each time receiving a thoroughly exciting and sometimes life-endangering story.

What an interesting life he has.

"ALRIGHTY GIRL SCOUTS GET IN LINE FOR YER RUDDY WATER AND YER BETTER BE QUICK OR I'LL WHOOP YER ARSES."

Even that failed to freak me out. Whenever Mr. Sir's in a moody mood (HAHAHA) he's prone to say odd things. And I suppose the prospect of a broken window is quite a moody thing.

Although if I were him, I'd enjoy a nice, non-existent breeze every now and then.

Caveman and I made our way to the water-truck, free-stylin'.

Okay, I have my suspicions about that word. At Palmoilin, it merely describes a technique of swimming.

At this bogus camp, it means beat-boxing and rapping.

'Tis kinda scary.

Zigzag was on the dirt when we reached the line, peering around. I hoped the aliens-that-exist-in-his-imagination hadn't landed on Planet Earth.

"Whatcha doing, man?" Armpit was asking.

"I lost my contacts," Zigzag moaned.

I had been about to take another step closer when I suddenly froze.

"NO ONE MOVE!" Zigzag yelled, wide-eyed and still looking for his contacts. Mr. Sir clicked his tongue impatiently.

"Zig, you don't have contacts," Magnet reminded him.

"Oooh..."

After we got our water, we returned back to their holes. Caveman dug at his holes while I sang at the top of my lungs, "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILWAY, ON THE RAILWAY. SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOOOOOOMETHING. LA LA LA LA LA, LA!"

All out of tune, of course. (INSERT BIG SMILE.)

"Okay man," I said at lunch, "Take my book and... GOGGLE AT THE QUESTION!"

"Okay," Caveman said, taking my notebook, "...My past, hey?"

"Yeah," I said in a hopeful voice.

"When I was three years old, I had to walk three miles - "

"Already tried that," I said with a chuckle, "C'mon, just speak 'ze truth."

"The truth can be deceiving..."

Well, that had me stumped.

"Can it?" I finally asked.

"...I guess not. Alright, my family's cursed, my dad's trying to invent a way to recycle shoes and my mum believes we aren't cursed. Oh, and my grandfather also likes to believe that he sleeps on _my_ side of the bedroom."

"Caveman, you gotta tell me the _truth_. No more of your stories."

"That is the truth."

"...Oh."

At least I had the decency to blush.

"Why are you here, anyway?" I asked, looking at the "CRIME CONVICTED" part of the form.

"I'm completely innocent," Caveman said at once, holding his hands up for emphasis. "A pair of shoes fell from the sky and I took them to my dad, and then they turned out to be Clyde Livingston's shoes that he had donated to some homeless shelter. And nobody believed me; they all thought I stole them."

"Those lousy mongrels!" I said scathingly, "Stepping all over us!"

"Tell me about it. So I got sent here to improve my character."

"Improve your character," I snorted as I wrote it down neatly, "Twenty years later and I still don't know what that means."

"Uh, you're only fourteen."

"Hush, moonlit man."

--

**In the afternoon, after digging.** **Oh, man, this is boring. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.**

Wow, Caveman's story about his past and crime has got to be the shortest I've heard of. Well, if you don't include all the other "pasts" he had, then yeah.

La la la...

...La...

Oh, I am going to _throttle_ Armpit and X-Ray.

They've been arguing for the past ten minutes whether or not the phrases "pink flowers stencilled on a mug" and "mug with pink flower stencilled on it" are the same thing.

"Oh, who in the bleeping world cares?" I finally cried out.

They stared at me, then pointed at Magnet.

I glared at that dog-boy.

"Hey!" he said in his defence, "I want to know what a good mother's day gift is!"

"Get a blender, I got my mother one," I said cynically, "And she was so happy she gave me a raise."

"A _what_?" spluttered Caveman.

" - in," I finished quickly, "A raisin."

"Some present," Zero remarked.

"Hey! Blenders are _excellent_ presents."

"I was talking about the raisin."

"Oh," I said, thinking hard, "Raisins are pretty cool, too."

The boys snorted.

"At least she could've given you a _macadamia _nut," Zero ploughed on, unperturbed, "But a raisin?"

"Oh, leave the raisin alone. _I _personally think they are in the same league and that they should be treated equally. Foodstuffs have feelings, you know."

And that, of course, generated a new debate.

I will not tell you how it went because it was so stupid and pointless even _I_ couldn't bear to ruin my reputation by stating its fact and figures.

The tiring argument finished when Caveman unnecessarily said, "I don't like nuts. When I was five a peanut told me it would make me eat omelettes every morning for the rest of my life if I ate it. I… hope it was a dream."

"What's wrong with that?" (Confidential) asked.

"Well, Pit, there's something you need to know about people and that is we do not like to eat _everything_. I don't like omelettes."

"How could you not like omelettes?" (Confidential) asked, completely in awe.

(The rest of the conversation has been removed because it is likely to render the reader's intelligence slightly lower.)

Well, what can I say?

We spent the rest of the day playing musical statues (Squid cheats, the little rascal!), and "Red Light, Green Light". And also, because I said so, "Marco Polo."

Boredom at Camp Green Lake has taken a new toll, but it's alright as long as we've got each other to entertain ourselves.

--

A/N: Lol, I really didn't like this chapter. But then again, I never seem to like my chapters anymore. I skipped over Stanley's interviewing a bit (okay, A LOT) because Holes touched on him so thoroughly that I didn't feel the need to write out his past and such. I think that's going to happen to Zero, as well. Especially as I have written an ENTIRE STORY on him. (Again--go check it out! Hehe.) Umm... I'm so bored. Oooh, I got some stuff from Emily Rodda's Teen Power Inc. (Fear In Fashion.) And... uhh... that's it, lol. Yes, being a Christian 'tis awesome. :) And the next chapter's going to be from Squid's POV, and it may be a bit distorted 'cause I dunno how boys think. Lol. See ya later, alligator! - msq.


	14. The Oddenings Of Squid's Mind

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO: _Lalaithiel_ _Noleambar_

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Fourteen ll The Oddenings Of Squid's Mind**

--

**SQUID'S POV.**

Girls.

Can't live without 'em, but will never understand 'em.

Especially the species they breed at Camp Green Lake.

Starting with the Warden. Well, I suppose you would call her an "alright chick". Except she's evil. Once she shoved a pitchfork into Magnet and he had three spots of blood on his stomach.

That was pretty gross.

Yeah, she is pretty evil.

Don't like her.

And her niece?

I used to think she was an alright chick as well. Must run in the family. But she's a little weird. She only comes once a year for a week. She left yesterday. This is what she said to me.

"I... I really hope we can be more than friends."

That had me stumped for a moment. Then I realised what she was on about.

"Oh, but I dunno how to make those bracelet things," I replied.

"What bracelet things?" she asked, looking confused.

"Well, all best friends have to have those friendship bracelets."

"...Best friends?" she looked even more confused, then she sighed and looked at me dejectedly.

"Never mind, Squid. I'll see you next year if you're still here."

I was left wondering what I had said wrong. Maybe... she wanted to be even _more_ than best friends.

But I already have a best best friend.

Bah.

Girls.

The last girl at CGL is the 'lil one. She's the sanest as well, which is...

Sad.

Yep. Completely sad.

No, actually. The 'lil girl is definitely NOT sane.

She _attacked_ me!

Just 'cos I buried her stuffed cow. Accidentally. In fact, it wasn't even my fault.

Yeah.

I'll just keep telling myself that and I might believe it.

"MAN! I feel like a woman, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH!" Zig was jumping around the tent screaming this disgracefully disturbing song.

"Shut up, dude," Magnet mumbled into his pillow.

Yup. It's 4:30 and D-tent's waking as per usual.

"SOMEONE STOLE MY... Oh wait, here it is," Armpit found his weird army green hat underneath his cot and scrambled back, accidentally banging into Magnet's and causing the cheap-excuse-for-a-bed to collapse.

"Can't a man get some sleep 'round here?" Magnet groaned, _finally_ getting up.

Zero's combing his little cute curly locks. He and I are the only ones who bother to brush our hair. We dunno where the hairbrush came from. Magnet found it one day in Mr. Sir's office.

"Gooooooood morning boys!"

Uh _oh_.

"Mornin' Mum," X-Ray, who of course was already dressed and ready (looking _cool_), greeted.

"Good on you, Rex. Ricky, stop singing and get your boots on already."

"Yeeeeeees sir," Zigzag said as if he was part of the army squad.

"Theodore - " ("My name is _not_ Theodore!") "Stop jumping on Jose's cot and help the boy up."

"I ain't jumpin' on it. It fell over."

"Jose, you aren't even dressed yet."

"Mmmm..."

"Stanley, be a little more quick, now."

"Okay."

"Zero, your hair looks _fine_."

"Not... yet..."

"And Alan, stop looking at yourself in the mirror and wake Andii up."

"But - " I started to whine.

"No buts, Alan. I might've allowed more time for you to star-gaze - " (since when is admiring-ones-reflection _star-gazing_?) " - but you should've known your preparation time would be cut short when you volunteered to wake Andii up - "

"_Volunteer_? I was _ordered_ by you, yes, _ordered_. I ain't in the charity-business! Except maybe in the Paraolympics, but _that's it!_"

And maybe the Ronald McDonald House.

Oh, and the Starlight Foundation.

But I didn't say all that because X-Ray would send me one of his LOOKS that would give me a heart attack.

And I'm too young to die. Too young and handsome.

"_Alan_," Pendanski said in a Tough-Guy way.

"Okay, okay," I mumbled.

I bid farewell to my reflection and stomped over to the BIG BLUE HOUSE...

...orange tent. Whatever.

"I hope you're happy! I wasn't allowed to fix up my hair 'cause of you!" I yelled into the entrance flap.

"That is _so_ not song," I heard the 'lil girl reply.

"I - I hooope you're happy, I wasn't allowed to fix up my hair, 'CAUSE OF YOU!" I repeated, twisting the sentence so it would fit the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

I like that song.

The tent-flap flapped around a bit and she appeared there. Like magic. (Gasp.) Her brown hair was in a huge mess. Hahaha, it was funny.

Point and laugh.

Simply describes what I did.

Glare and mess up hair.

Simply describes what she did.

No, she didn't mess up her own hair. That would've been frightfully disgraceful.

She messed up _mine_, which is ten times worse.

"I SPENT ALL MORNING ON THIS!" I shouted.

"Oh _please_, you don't even have gel. What's the point of boys doing their hair if they don't have gel? You need the whole 'wet-look'."

This girl is deranged.

That, or she's a boy in disguise.

I folded my arms and glared at her, "No I don't. It's not even a 'wet-look'. It's the 'spiked-up-weird-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-look'."

"Arnold what's-his-face doesn't use hair gel," the 'lil girl said, completely nonplussed.

"Yeah he does. Wanna bet?" I challenged, hoping she didn't notice I was edging away from her slightly in case she flew into a fury.

IMS people these days.

_HIC._

A peculiar expression crossed Andii face and her throat gave a little jump.

_HIC._

"Are you okay?" I asked testily, wondering where the "_HIC_" noises were coming from.

"I'm - _HIC_ - fine," she managed to gasp out.

She was biting her lip in her cute way while she stood at the entrance of her tent and I stood in front of her with my gorgeous hair all distorted and, yeah, we probably looked like fools to everyone else.

The 'lil girl is SHORT.

Heh.

_HIC._

"Stop it!" I yelled.

"THEN GET ME SOME WATER!" she yelled back at me. Her hazel eyes were not blazing with the usual flames (best run away when you see that happening) but were dancing. Yeah, I know hazel eyes can't dance. Nor can blue eyes. Or any other coloured eyes. But seriously, it looked like Andii's eyes were waltzing. Or doing the foxtrot.

Elegant dances like those.

Oh, dear. Her insanity is starting to rub off on me.

_Eyes cannot dance, man._

One look at those creepy hazel ones were sure to put the firmest believer of that in a relapse of second thoughts, and I better stop thinking about dancing eyes and create some witty and wonderful comeback to what Andii just said.

Which was to get her some water.

I am not a slave, thank you. Nor a servant, or a MAID!

Although my granny once told me I'd look darned sexy in an apron.

Do maids wear aprons, or was that just in the fifties?

No?

Something to think about.

I would ask X-Ray, but he'd send me one of those Premature-Heart-Attack-Glares.

I'm a little scared of him.

"...look at the little pixie, Squid! Isn't it cute?"

"Huh?"

_HIC._

"Can I have some water?" the 'lil girl suddenly asked me, seeing that I was paying attention.

"Wha?" I said, a little dazed.

Andii blinked those HUGE hazel eyes at me, and suddenly I wondered what usually goes through her head.

_Pretty normal stuff, I guess._

_DOT._ _DOT. DOT._

"Squid, stop staring at me like that. I want some water!" she began to whine.

She's diseased.

I knew it.

Why else would she be suddenly seeing cute pixies and asking for water?

Spending too much time in Fairy Tale Land, that's why.

You can get malaria in the place. Diseased godmothers and rabie-infested pixies.

_Shudder._

"Water?" I repeated, desperately buying time.

"Yeah. Water."

"Why?"

"Cause I have the - _HIC_ - cups."

"Oh. See ya," I said absently.

I _felt_ her LOOK as I turned my back to her and walked over to the Wreck Room.

All of D-tent (even Magnet) were eating their hearty, hearty, hearty meal of cereal. Armpit and Zigzag were having their hearty, hearty, hearty argument about toilet bowls. Zero was still combing his hair with the hearty, hearty, hearty brush that WE share and HE has been HOGGING ALL MORNING.

Oh my goodness, what if the 'lil girl is _CONTAGIOUS_?

My mind suddenly broke down to five things.

Fairy Tale Land. (AHHH!)

Diseased godmothers. (AHHH!)

Rabie-infested pixies. (AHHH!)

Malaria. (AHHH!)

Becoming friends with the _talking, walking trees! _(Okay, so I didn't mention that before. I didn't want to give you nightmares.)

Oh.

My.

_Fluffy-duck-feathered-friend!_

My fate is sealed.

The Grim Reaper may as well come and take me.

I may as well write my will and order a Premature-Heart-Attack-Glare in X-Ray's Suicidal-Attempts catalogue.

Oh, man, I can see my future...

Five years from now I'll be shut up in a hospital under intensive care where people shall bestow me with presents and Chocolate Frogs, and I will be able to dream about a world where pigs fly and strawberries bloom even in Winter.

But _not Fairy Tale Land_.

Speaking of which, my condition will probably be so bad that when I heard those accursed words I will convulse and die.

End of story.

I'm not paranoid.

I'm just infected.

And diseased.

I suddenly began to attack myself; brushing my arms vigorously with the hope I might scrub off any germs.

"Whyyyy meee?" I moaned.

"Are you alright?" came a gentle, nice, _feminine_ voice.

I looked up to see a smiling fairy godmother, and I managed to smile back very faintly, hoping that maybe this was an angel to take me away.

But then I saw something that made me freak out. A big, fat, red boil on her chin. In fact, as I looked more frantically, her face was _covered_ in boils.

ATTACK OF THE DISEASED FAIRY GODMOTHERS!

"What's the matter, dear?" she asked in a motherly voice. No, not motherly. She _cackled._ She's a witch in disguise with warts and boils and pimples and blackheads!

I was going to recommend _Clearasil _but I thought better of it and yelped. Closing my eyes, I began to sing the D-tent song in my head.

...Okay, so D-tent doesn't have a song.

I'll just do a rip-off of that potato song.

One a-shovel, two a-shovel, three a-shovel, four. Five a-shovel, six a-shovel, seven a-shovel, more! DTENTROCKSLIKECOMPLETELY.

...Is the evil-boil-covered-diseased-fairy-godmother-that's-a-witch-in-disguise gone yet?

"YO! Dude, wake UP!" came an ungentle, not-very-nice, _masculine_ voice.

My eyes (though closed) lit up when I realised who that voice belonged to.

_X-Ray!_

My eyes fluttered open in joy and did not see a disgusting witch face. In fact, I saw X-Ray's large eyes in those huge, macho glasses of his'. And he was giving me a Premature-Heart-Attack-Glare.

Oh, that had to be worse.

"Squid, are you alright?" Magnet piped up.

No, no, _NO!_ I am _NOT_ alright! I am being chased by diseased people in my head and I even thought X-Ray was a fairy godmother - for crying out loud, I'm worse than _Zigzag!_

"Oh, yeah, I'm cool. I was just thinking up of cool ways to take Mum's cool hat and cool sunscreen. Be cool now," I babbled.

I am calm.

I am normal.

I am _cool_.

"You're such a meanie."

AHHH, SH- !

There was a chorus of, "Morning 'lil girls"s, which I did not take part in.

_Dear heavens above, please don't make her sit next to me. Please, please, PLEASE!_

The 'lil glared at me, then walked to the other side of the table and sat next to Magnet.

_Thank you!_

"Why am I meanie?" I asked, glad to note that my voice was back to its cool quality and the words "fairy" and "diseased" didn't make my heart pound madly.

Andii glared and stabbed her cereal moodily, "I asked for water and you just left."

"Oh, you terrible boy, Squid," Zigzag scolded, waving his spoon at me.

"Tsk tsk," Magnet joined in. Armpit was too busy scoffing down his golden, crusty cereal, but he too shook his head.

"You should be ashamed," X-Ray joked. Well, it's an improvement from those glares.

For the remainder of breakfast I neither looked left nor right. I kept my head down.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA -

" - eat my hiney!" Armpit yelled.

I'm scared. The others roared with laughter.

I am cool.

--

For the entire time we were out in the desert I avoided the 'lil girl, which was both easy and hard. Easy because she's still interviewing Caveman and he was digging the furthest part away from me (and that didn't happen by chance) and she stayed there. Hard because I think she wants to tell me something because I've seen her walk up to me a few times, but when I see this happening I jump into Zero's hole (which is next to mine) and start telling him how cool his orange suit looks on him.

Zero just smiled at me out of courtesy and said "Thanks" at first, but I think he got the wrong idea after my fifth compliment and quietly told me he "doesn't swing that way."

He thinks I'm gay.

The little dude thinks I'm gay.

I tried telling him I wasn't but he patted me on the back and said there was nothing to be ashamed of.

By lunch, I forgot that Andii was diseased, and when I remembered I decided that there was no such thing as Fairy Tale Land.

For the time being.

I mean, Caveman and the others have been hanging around her for three days straight and none of them look very spotty.

Come to think of it, I thought as I threw dirt over my shoulder, I _carried_ her back to her tent and _I_ haven't got any boils or warts.

But that might just be because I wash my face every day.

Either way, I stopped being paranoid and she finally got around to telling me the Warden wants us to cook dinner again. D'you know how hard it is to cook dinner? It's terrifying. Last time I ended up chopping up all the onions because the 'lil girl was crying.

"_Again_?" I exclaimed, "_Again_? I thought she said it was a one-off!"

"I know, the insane woman," Andii mumbled, "I dunno what's the matter with her, especially as Nadine's gone anyway - " She suddenly stopped and her eyes widened.

She turned away from me and my gorgeous self and I heard her mutter, "_You better shut up before I eat you, Andii_!"

"Um, 'lil girl?" I said politely.

"Yes, Squid?"

"Have you been to any... erm... _fairy tale lands_, recently?"

Okay, so what if I don't believe in them anymore? I can still be curious.

Andii looked taken aback, "Uhh, are you okay?"

Now _I_ was the one taken aback.

"Huh? Of course I'm okay," I said, shocked at the very thought. "_Me_ not _okay_? That's so not cool."

She stared at me with those dancing eyes and yet again, I wondered what was going through her head.

"You sure?" she continued, cocking her head to one side. _Be cool, Squid, be cool,_ "You haven't been feeling a little, well, queer, have you?"

..._Queer_?

Oh, stuffed potatoes.

"You've been taking to Zero, haven't you?" I immediately exclaimed.

"Heard my name," came a small voice.

"Uhh," the 'lil girl frowned, "We were talking about how nice your hair looks, Zero."

Oh, _nooooooo_.

"Really?" Zero asked.

"Yep. Squid here brought the subject up," Andii smiled at me.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I'm doomed.

"Ah," Zero smiled at me, "Right. There's nothing to be ashamed of, Squid."

Someone kill me.

"So anyway Squid-boy," Andii continued, "See you in the kitchens later."

"Right," I muttered, turning away and looking at my shovel.

"You sure you're okay?" I heard the 'lil girl ask again.

"Yup," I said as cheerfully as I could.

"You don't need any sugar?"

"You have sugar?" I asked, my eyes lighting up.

"Yeah sure," Andii smiled a nice smile and she reached into the pockets of her jeans. "It's not in packages, though."

My hands that had been outstretched to receive some _packaged_ sugar suddenly dropped when I saw her produce handfuls of stray sugar.

Fully sick, bro.

"Err... no thanks," I said, eyeing it distastefully.

"Okay," she disappointedly let it sprinkle onto the dirt.

Then she said brightly as she stuck her hands back into her pockets, "Want some cream?"

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped open.

Good goodies, this girl _is_ diseased.

_CLICK._

And someone should definitely get rid of that camera of hers.

Giggling, she showed me the photo.

AHHH! I LOOK SO _UGLY_!

"Delete it! Delete it now!" I commanded.

"No way! By the way, I was kidding about the cream thing."

Oh.

_Oh._

_Now_ she tells me.

"I knew that," I said instantly.

"As if. Well, either way, cream-boy, I'll see you laterz."

Yes, _laterz_.

Who the heck says laterz?

And "cream-boy"! I have a nickname, already, thank you very muchly!

Yupperz.

--

Knives are supposed to sharp, right?

_Right?_

I mean, that's their whole purpose. I know there are such things as "butter knives" that can't even cut butter, and "plastic knives" that Asians use to cut up moon cake when it's Moon Day or something silly like that. But other than those knives, the rest are supposed to be sharp, right?

Especially if they're called _sharp knives_.

So why in the name of cooking utensils is this sharp knife _not sharp?_

Can you explain it? Hmm?

WORK, YOU STUPID KNIFE!

You see what those cooking channels do? They _manipulate _and _deceive_ us. On those shows the knives are _sharp_, while in _reality, _they're as blunt as a blunt axe, which ought to be pretty blunt.

I glanced over to the 'lil girl who was peeling the potatoes with a peeler. She seemed quite merry and oblivious to the fact that _I_ was struggling with a blunt knife.

A blunt _sharp knife._

What the heck.

"...work, I command you! NOW! Be sharp now, don't be blunt... Blunt knives don't get anywhere in life! ARGH!"

"Listen to you," Andii moaned, dropping the potato and peeler and rolling her eyes, "_Just listen to you_. You're talking to a knife."

"Talking to knives is cool," I shot back, "Why can't _I_ use the peeler, huh? Why can't _I_ peel the potatoes, while you - you _gouge_ _out_ the eyes of this potato with a _blunt sharp knife_!"

"FINE! Give me the knife and you use this good-ridden peeler!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

So we swapped places. I stood by the sink peeling, while she stood at the counter gouging out those annoying little blister-like things that somehow grew on the potatoes.

What are they, mutant-potatoes?

I had little tiny dots of blood on my fingers because those _eyes_ were prickly and they really hurt. My fingers were so sore from digging, and now they're sore from PEELING POTATOES!

WITH A BLUNT KNIFE!

And -

OHMYGOSH.

The peeler's blunt too.

"Can't this camp afford _anything_ sharp?" I burst out, chucking the peeler down in my frustration.

"Wanna swap back?" Andii asked me, looking just as annoyed.

"Yeah. Blunt knives are better than blunt peelers," I muttered.

And we swapped again.

In another half hour's time, the potatoes were finally done and we dropped them in the boiling pot. _I_ wanted to drop them in, but the 'lil girl stole my job. She stood right in front of me with the bowl of potatoes and dropped them in one by one.

"That's it, I wanna do it!" I yelled, unable to take it anymore, "Move!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Ah, too bad, 'lil girl!" I wrapped my arms around her waist, she screamed (ow, that really hurt) and tried to fight me off, but I lifted her up and placed her behind me.

Grinning like a madman, I grabbed the potatoes and began to plonk them into the pot.

Hehehe, what joy it gives me to shove them in! The "splish PLONK" noise it makes is very satisfying.

"You big meanie!" Andii yelled. She reached out and began to tickle me.

Oh, the emblem of suffering and shame.

I laughed until I started crying. Luckily I placed the potatoes on the counter so I didn't drop them when I collapsed onto the floor, laughing hysterically.

Like an evil woman, the 'lil girl took the potatoes and began to drop them into pot.

Grrr. Not so easily, mister! (Or misses.)

I grabbed her by the waist again and she began to giggle. I grinned as she shouted, "Stop it, Squid!"

"No way, you little fool."

I stood right in front of her while I chucked the rest of the potatoes in, and blocked her every time she tried to dodge underneath me.

"AHAHHA! I win!" I yelled proudly.

"I hate you!" she yelled back.

"No you don't!" I grinned sloppily at her and she looked away while rolling her eyes, but I still caught her smile.

While we were working on dessert, she planted a banana skin on the floor.

I did not notice this.

Yay.

I slipped and fell on my butt.

Yay.

"You ditz," the 'lil girl laughed evilly, stepping closer to me to "help me up".

Gah, when one does something to another person's disadvantage, they must help them again. Everyone knows that.

Andii took my hat and shoved it on her head, before offering her hand.

My butt hurts.

And I want my hat back.

IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?

Apparently.

So I grabbed her hand and pulled her down.

"OW!"

"We're even now!" I told her simply, not even knowing how we were uneven in the first place.

But everyone knows I'm taller than her.

Okay, just ignore that.

"You're terrible," she muttered.

"Uh uh uh, we're in the house of peace, remember?" I taunted with a grin.

She gave me one of those LOOKS while she grabbed hold of the cloth dangling off the edge of the counter.

"Hey - don't pull that - !" I yelled.

_CRASH._ _SMASH. RUMBLE. VIVA LA RIVA._

She had pulled down the entire bowl of fruit salad.

Oooh look, a rainbow.

One of the usual kitchen cook helper dudes ran in.

"Yo, what happened?" he asked, looking alarmed.

"Nothing!" Andii sprang up brightly, "We accidentally opened the fridge and it - err - let out a burp. The gas was so powerful it blew us and the bowl onto the floor. No biggie!"

Sweet merciful _pancakes_.

I am speechless.

Someone kill me.

"Err, okay," he said, looking at me and pausing for a moment to stare at my obvious "HELP ME" look. He shot me a look of sympathy before moving over to the stove.

"GOOD GRAVY! What on earth are those HUGE MACHO _things_?" he yelped, jumping a mile.

I immediately turned to the 'lil girl, "You didn't add those watermelons when I told you not to, did you?"

Andii shot me another LOOK, "_No._ They're the potatoes."

"...Potatoes?" repeated the dude.

Yeah, _potatoes!_

Man, has he never heard of them before?

Then he suddenly burst into hysterics.

Even the 'lil girl found this odd.

We shared mutually '_err_' glances.

"Hehehe... you two... funny... you're supposed to _slice_ the potatoes before putting them to boil!"

_Oh._

Yeah, you'd think that WAS VERY OBVIOUS, WOULDN'T YOU?

TRY PEELING THEM WITH BLUNT KNIVES AND PEELERS, YOU GIT.

The 'lil girl's mouth dropped open.

"_Slice_ them?" she squealed.

"Yep. You better get them out and slice 'em before they get too mushy."

And he left.

He left me to deal with a crazy chick and mushy potatoes.

Surrounded by a rainbow of fruit salad.

And blunt knives and peelers.

What a day.

I glared at the 'lil girl.

"This is all your fault."

"Whatever, man."

--

A/N: AHHH! This took me _forever_ to write, as my friend knows very well. :) Hehe. Well, it was a _little _hard to write Squid, but I think he turned out... um, okay. Lol. I think next chappie's going to be from his POV as well. So keep on your toes! Andii's easy to write because she's based on me and it's really easy writing about yourself... I could do it all day! Hehe. I had to peel potatoes with blunt peelers and knives! I was SO annoyed! Grrr. And "good gravy" belongs to Crimson Candy. :) Whoot. The part where Andii asks whether Squid wants sugar or cream with the whole "no-package" thing belongs to the Simpsons, and I disclaim it one hundred-percent. Okay, that's about it. I'm luvin' your reviews, by the way. They put a smile on my face. :) - msq.


	15. Attack Of The FEELINGS

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Fifteen ll Attack Of The FEELINGS**

--

**SQUID'S POV.**

"Zero!" I yelled, running towards our tent, "ZERO!"

For the entire day I had tried convincing Zero I wasn't gay. And it was a lot harder than you would've thought, too, because the 'lil girl is interviewing him today and it's really hard to tell a dude that you don't go for other dudes when a girl is standing right there.

"Yeah, Squid?" he asked me with a smile.

Oh yeah, and all day, he's been smiling at me. It's like he's (shudder) _flirting_. But I know he's not; he's a perfectly straight little boy with cute little curls... Oh my _stars_. I better stop thinking about his hair.

It's enough to make _anyone_ question their sexuality.

"I - errr," the words were not coming out properly, "I just wanted to say, Zero, that - that..."

_Question mark_ was the expression on his face.

"I'MNOTGAY!" I finally burst out.

"Oh, I knew _that_," Zero said, frowning, "Is that it?"

HUH?

"But," I spluttered, "You kept saying there was nothing to be ashamed of!"

"Yeah, that was because I liked seeing the expression on your face when I said that," Zero smiled reminiscently, "It was funny. Andii took a few photos of it when you weren't looking."

My jaw dropped open, "_When I wasn't looking?_ Whenever you said, 'there's nothing to be ashamed of', I did nothing _but_ look!"

Zero shrugged, "Maybe you didn't notice the 'click' noise it made."

IS HE CALLING ME UNOBSERVANT?

Staring at him hard and long, he finally gave up and shrugged, before walking off to take a shower.

Frowning, I chewed on my lip and looked around at the canvas tent.

"Squid?"

"Yeah?" I asked, jolting wide awake as X-Ray entered the tent.

"Whatcha doin' here, standing like a fool?" he asked, dumping his dirty clothes on his cot.

"Err... I'm counting the beds in here," I replied, "Say, did you like the potato mash served last night?"

X-Ray shuddered just before he left the tent, "Don't even get me started."

My heart sank.

Okay, so the 'lil girl and I suck at cooking.

With a sigh, I took off my hat, undid my do-rag and tossed them aside, before getting my towel, my newly cleaned jumpsuit and walking to the shower stalls.

--

I had just gotten my boots back on when Zero came flying up to me.

Despite what he had said earlier, I quickly said, "Dude, I'm not interested."

Zero rolled his eyes and said, "It's not that! I have a good idea, that's all."

"What is it?" I asked, walking back to our tent.

"Well, it's not my idea," he explained slowly, "You know the night when - uhhh - we all had that karaoke? After we ate that peaches and strawberry salad you and Andii made?"

"Oh, you mean the night we all got drunk," I muttered darkly. Seriously, I think the peaches had alcohol in them.

Zero shifted uncomfortably, "...Yeah. Anyway, Armpit and Magnet were talkin' bout this idea -"

"They were five peaches _drunk_!" I exclaimed, "Any idea of theirs when they're sober can't be taken too seriously, anyway."

"They-wanted-to-lock-Andii-in-a-tent-with-that-C-tent-guy," he blurted out.

No other man as brilliant as me with as amazing hearing as mine could've _possibly_ understood what on earth he had said. But of course, I _am_ me, so I understood every word that had flown out of his mouth.

"Tulips with the deer in a tent are the shock of the century?" I repeated knowledgably.

"_No_!"

Thus he repeated.

Oops, maybe I don't have the best hearing after all.

"LOCK HER IN THE TENT WITH THAT PERV?" I roared, dropping my stuff.

"Yeah," Zero frowned, "What's wrong with it? You know how badly scared she'll get? "

"Exactly!" I exclaimed, not knowing why I felt so... _protective_. "We don't wanna scare her, now do we?"

"Of course we do! You of all people should want to give her a real good scare. She spends so much of her time pranking us, we should really get her back."

"Uh..."

"So, are you in?" asked Zero.

"In what?" I asked, playing for time.

Zero just gave me one of his creepy unblinking stares. Wow, he could be X-Ray's successor.

"Okay, okay," I sighed, gathering my stuff up again, "Whatever, man..."

"Cool, meet you outside of C-tent in a few seconds, then."

I dropped my stuff again.

"IN A FEW SECONDS?" I shouted to his retreating figure, "You mean _now_?"

I got no reply and groaned as I fell on my cot and put my head in my hands.

Why, why, why?

WHY?

_Why_ do we have to lock the 'lil girl in a tent with that dude? The dude she reckons has nice eyes... _Whatever._ His eyes are creepy, not nice. _What _does she see in that ponce? What has he got that I don't?

Okay, we're straying off the subject a bit.

The fact remains, however, that we're going to lock her in a tent. I mean, it's not like the tents have locks or anything, but I understood what Zero was trying to say. Honestly, _anything_ could happen.

What if _he_ takes her lollipop?

What if he plays with her hair?

WHAT IF HE CARRIES HER BACK TO HER TENT WHICH ONLY _I_ AM ALLOWED TO DO?

...I am calm.

I felt like punching something.

_I am calm..._

_...and..._

My eyes widened and I fell back with a groan.

_...and I am jealous._

--

Shoot-shoot-shoot-shoot.

I am doomed.

I am _completely _doomed.

I'm jealous of that C-tent dude who's going to be locked in with the 'lil girl who thinks he has nice eyes because they're not ordinary brown like mine.

BAH HUMBUG!

I am doomed and there's no doubt about it.

...WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

"Hey 'lil gal," X-Ray greeted as SHE approached us.

"Yo chicka.

D-tent chimed in their assorted greetings. Everyone but me. I stood there with my arms firmly crossed and glared at C-tent, which we were standing right in front of.

"Hey guys, what are you doing out here?" the 'lil girl asked suspiciously, looking ready to strike out a karate pose and punch us if we tried anything silly. In any case, I really hope she does, because I rather like the idea of Magnet and Armpit having black eyes.

Why the heck did they get so drunk that they suggested such a _stupid_ idea?

This, of course, is ALL THEIR FAULT!

They just corrupted the rest of D-tent to follow on.

Me, of course, with the only BRAINS, could see the foolishness behind all this tosh.

_Or maybe it's just 'cause you're jealous._

Oh, shut up.

_Real smooth._ _You're talking to yourself._

GO ROT AND DIEEEE!

I tuned out of my receptive thinking to see them push the 'lil girl into the tent and Zig let out a big, "HA, YOU CAN'T COME OUT NOW!"

What does receptive mean?

Okay, okay, I'll get back to the story. Meanie.

"LET ME OUTTA HERE!" the 'lil girl screamed.

Hehe, one point to Squid. _She doesn't wanna stay._

Yay.

Maybe I could sneak her out and we could like, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Oh gee, I don't _like_ her or anything, do I?

_DUDE, (SLAP), WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE JEALOUS?_

Well, technically, you never told me who I'm jealous of. I mean, I could be jealous of that guy with-the-nice-eyes-who-doesn't-have-nice-eyes, which you _imply_, but I could also be jealous of Andii.

HA, ANOTHER POINT TO SQUID!

_If you were jealous of her, it's because you wanna be locked in a tent with the guy with-the-nice-eyes-who-doesn't-have-nice-eyes, which makes you **GAY.**_

I am not gay, who have you been talking to?

Not this _again_…

"Squid, you take the back flap. Make sure she doesn't crawl out. You know how she is," X-Ray instructed.

_Yeah, I do know how she is, you – you – you **imbecile.**_

I put on a smile, nodded, and walked over to the back flap and guarded there.

I need mental help.

Zigzag came over, "Hey, man. X told me to help you guard here. You know what? This plan stinks."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed, relieved to find some more _brains_ in D-tent. "It's outrageous."

"Everyone knows you're supposed to be in there instead of Charmer," Zig continued, unperturbed.

"Exactly! What?" I said, completely lost.

Ohmygoodies, don't tell me Zig _knows_...

Zigzag stared at me, "C'mon, man. This plan isn't to set the 'lil girl and Charmer up."

"Well, it's a dumb one if it was," I muttered.

Zig continued to stare. Then he picked up a stone and threw it at me.

"OW! What was that for?" I yelled.

"Dude, LOOK AT IT IN THE FACE!" Zig yelled back.

Great Scott, he _is_ insane. Even more than I thought he was.

"Look at the stone in the face?" I repeated timidly.

"_No_, the situation," he said quietly as if I was an overemotional two-year-old. "You're jealous. You _like_ her."

Oh, _shoot_.

Zig is insightful, why WHY WHY??

"I - I - don't - far out, man!" I shouted, irritated. "I dunno what's going on anymore! All of a sudden I'm _jealous_ of Campter or whatever his name is, and then everyone's pointing out I like the 'lil girl! It's... CONFUSING!"

"Who else told you?"

"My brain."

"...Right."

"So... everyone knows?" I muttered bitterly. Oooh, I'm cursed. Even worse than I would be if I had malaria or that Fairy Tale Land disease.

Sigh.

Zig nodded, "Yep. 'Cept the 'lil girl and Charmer himself."

"CRAP!" I yelled, jumping up, "Then they _will_ make a move 'cause they're oblivious and - ahh, I don't care." I slumped back and closed my eyes, my head aching.

"Oh come on, man," Zigzag rolled his eyes, "She's a weird girl, but she's not stupid."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"IT MEANS... she fancies you."

"What?" I said, my eyes snapping open, "_What_?"

Zig shrugged, "I can read people like magazines. Sparks are flying! But... I don't think even _she_ knows."

I blinked.

And blinked again.

"Who is so daft that they don't even know that they like someone?" I asked pointedly.

Zig stared at me.

"Oh, don't answer that," I muttered, then I sighed, "What does she _see_ in him, anyway? What has he got that I don't?"

SHUT UP! SHUT UP NOW! screamed my insides.

Zig opened his mouth to talk, but I continued my rant.

"It's like I'm a... I'm a plain cinnamon doughnut and he's like... a Krispy Kreme! No... he can't be _that_ good, even in imagination... Like an iced doughnut. TCH!" I growled.

"You," Zigzag finally said after a minute's silence, "Are bloody insane."

Well.

At least Andii and I have something in common.

--

Three points to Squid.

Stupid-plan-of-Magnet-and-Armpit's?

FAILED.

HAHAHAHA.

I think she's scared of that dude now. I dunno what happened. The first thing I did when she got out was ask her and she looked at me blankly and said, "Interesting stuff."

I was a bit wary of what that could mean, but later she told me it was a complete and utter disaster and that she doesn't want to get to know any of the other guys from the other tents.

That could only mean GOOD for me, right?

Thought so.

'Tis the next morning. BECAUSE I requested, I'm sitting beside the 'lil girl at the breakfast table. I kept bugging her for more details of yesterday afternoon, but she just sighs and tells me to mind my own business.

She's mighty stubborn.

"Squid, stop it!" she finally burst out, "You're annoying me."

"Good," I said leisurely. "And then what happened?"

She picked up her spoon and flicked some cereal at my face.

I took that as a token to SHUTUP so I wiped the cereal off my face, stuck my tongue out at her and began to eat my wonderful, golden, crusty cereal.

WHY IN MERLIN'S NAME IS THE CEREAL _GOLDEN_?

I didn't think the camp could afford golden cereal.

Come to think of it, they should use the money they spend on _golden_ cereal to buy sharp _sharp_ _knives_! Yes, sharp sharp knives. Not blunt sharp knives. And not blunt peelers either. And maybe they could hire REAL people to make real potato mash instead of the rubbish Andii and I made yesterday.

Bleurgh.

Rant is over.

D-tent keep giving me these meaningful glances. Actually, I'm not sure about X-Ray. I don't look in his direction. What if a hurl of Premature-Heart-Attack-Glare comes flying at me?

Dude, I don't wanna die.

When it was time to dig, I grabbed a random shovel and talked to Magnet about Jack and the Beanstalk as we walked towards our new (and improved!) digging site.

"Hey, Squid?"

I turned around and saw Andii. She was wearing a white and brown striped jersey that was yards too big for her. She was also in jeans again, even in this weather, and her long brown hair was tied up in a ponytail. Hanging loosely from her shoulder was her denim bag.

What the...? I am being _way_ too observant.

Note to self: stop noticing things about the girl you supposedly "fancy".

I don't have much tolerance for extra observant people. They're so annoying. They point out all this useless stuff and in the end you just feel like hitting them with a very large, very fluffy, cream pie.

"Can I use your tea towel?" she asked me.

"Why do you call it a tea towel?" I asked her exasperatedly, putting my shovel down and taking off my baseball cap.

"What else could it be?" she asked pointedly.

"It's called a do-rag, 'lil girl."

Andii let out a snort of laughter, "Do-rag. What a word."

I shot her a LOOK and she just shrugged. I finished undoing the "tea towel" (I really wonder why I even bother putting it on in the morning) and handed it over to her.

She gave me a smile which made me wanna go "SQUEE!" and took it with a thanks.

I watched her walk over to Zero who had already started on his hole. Magnet came up to me, looking to where my eyes were glued.

"One of a kind, isn't she?" he murmured, watching as the 'lil girl took out her notebook and began to question Zero.

"Yep," I murmured back, not exactly knowing why I was murmuring.

"She has a nice visor."

"Yep."

"And I like her jersey."

"Yep."

"You like her?"

"Yep."

Magnet shot me a look which I didn't notice.

'Cos I was too busy staring at THE GIRL.

Call it corny or cliched.

But I just stared at her for a long time and wondered _why _I had never seen her the way I was seeing her now.

Quick, someone hand me a cream pie!

--

A/N: BORINGNESS! (throws cream pie at chapter) Bwahahahaha. Hey everyone. 'Tis back to school to me. YAWN. I hate it. GRRRR. Work, work, work. Oh yes, must be joyous for teachers to pile as much work on us as possible. DIEEE! I have to do this empathy task and study for a science quiz. Along with other stuff I can't bear to remember. Also, we got our music tests back today and I'm SO angry at my friend who got 29/30 because she said she got the worst mark possible and - (throws cream pie at her) BWAHAHA, take that! xD Alright, moment of sanity gone. My internet is not working/trying to be as slow as possible so who knows when I'll be able to post this up. It's Thursday arvo today, AND MY MSN WON'T SIGN IN! (throws cream pie at MSN) I AM ANGRY. BWAHAHAHA. Tomorrow we have French third period and I can't wait for that. :) I hate French and all, but I'm looking forward to it. Oh jelly. (throws cream pie at self) EWWW, CREAM! Alright, I have rambled too much. Happy birthday, fool:) - lurrrve from msq.

PS. Next chapter will be back to Andii's POV, where we will see what exactly happened in the "tent adventure". :) But please bear with me 'coz I've kinda forgotten how to write her.

PPS. If you have exams and stuff, don't stress out. Take it easy, okay? I have a few friends undergoing their HSC and they're like, freaking out. Lol. THEY MAKE ME SCARED!

PPPS. Thank you SO much for reviewing. :) I love you all! xoxo


	16. Hardly Ever Mentioned: ZERO

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Sixteen ll Hardly Ever Mentioned: ZERO**

--

**ANDII'S POV.**

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

7th of August. (Day 17)

_Mood: I-HATE-D-TENT_  
_Time: 8:34pm_

_DID YOU KNOW WHAT D-TENT DID TO ME?_

_No, of course you don't! That's why I'm going to tell you! They locked me in a tent with Count Sexappeal! (Count Sexappeal is this sorta cute guy from C-tent with the most GORGEOUS eyes. He'd be called Mr. Sexappeal but Mr. is used a lot, and, well, you rarely see Count. Like Count Dracula is the only one I've heard of.) I mean, do they honestly HATE me so much? I dunno what happened, really..._

_Today was my first day in interviewing Zero, and I had a nice day. I was hoping for a nice, quiet, PRIVATE chat with him, like I've managed to have with X-Ray, Zig, Armpit, Magnet and Caveman, but Squid kept interrupting. He'd sort of stammer and say, "Zero... I'm not..." and then he'd squeal like a pig and run off. Once, I heard him murmur, "Bad Squid, bad!" I asked Zero what was happening but he had no clue. Oh, and I've got the funniest snapshots of Squid! Zero said something like, "Nothing to be ashamed of" and you should've SEEN the look on his face! Completely hilarious._

_But I'm straying off the subject._

_After I took a shower, I spent the usual half hour in my tent enjoying some time to myself. Then I was about to head to the Wreck Room when I saw all seven boys crowded outside of "C-tent". Well, I walked over to them and they all stopped talking when I came. Were they talking about me?_

_They said their "hi"s and "hello"s a little too happily, so I got a bit suspicious. When I asked what they were doing there, Zig and X-Ray grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me through the flap! GAH! I stumbled in and then I heard Zig yell something malicious... I was about to hurl back one of my famous comebacks when I realised..._

_Count Sexappeal was standing right in front of me!_

_I had a seizure and died._

_Night, Andii._

--

8th of August. (Day 18)

_Mood: a tad bit calmer_  
_Time: 4:41am_

_Currently: breakfasting_  
_Wishing she was: sleeping_  
_Thinking about: nothing_  
_Flicking cereal at: Squid_

_Okay, he's annoying me. Well, maybe I skipped over the "Tent-Tale" a little bit. Nothing interesting. When I found out X-Ray and the others weren't keen on letting me out, I sat on the cot furthest away from Count Sexappeal and folded my arms and sulked. It was extremely awkward. Later, he came over and said "hi". We started talking and... I got bored. Not fidgety or anything, but BORED. That guy may be cute, but he's sooo dull. I'd talk to Claude, Squid or Caveman any day._

_For some odd reason, the convo soon turned to be about our personal lives. I made up all this stuff that I was an orphan and lived on the streets and was adopted by a toughie who got all their money from illegal gambling and black marketing. I enjoyed that part. Hehe, but he didn't seem very interested. He just nodded and said, "That's nice." After my little story, it was his turn, and HIS LIFE IS EQUIVALENT TO A SOAP OPERA!!_

_"I really like Riley, but for some reason I went out with her best friend who's really hot, but there's this new girl Trisha who's a total babe... Then my best friend Owen's bisexual and I think he's coming onto me, and I dunno, maybe I have feelings for him too... Also, a total of three girls asked me out and I'm not sure who to hook up with first. Courtney's so cute, but she's Riley's sister's friend's cousin, and that could really mean trouble when it's traced back to her..."_

_...and it didn't end there..._

_"Ashley'sreallyprettytooandshe'ssosweetandinnocentIdon'treallywannahurtherbutthere'safiftydollarwagerifIcanTHERE-WOULD-YOU-LIKE-ME-TO-SHUT-UP-NOW?"_

_So maybe he didn't say the last part, but it just goes to show how ANNOYING he was. A complete disaster. I wanted to hit him with a very pink Barbie doll, but it was all the way in my orange tent._

_I had to pretend I was interested, too._

_MAN, that_ _was the worst part! I am __so__ glad D-tent's lives aren't like that or all of them would have CONCUSSIONS!_

_THE._ _END._

--

Day 18

Just so no one gets confused or lost, it's my second day of interviewing Zero; the crazy, fast, enthusiastic DIGGING MACHINE!

Seriously, he digs so fast. I suggested that he starts his own little class for all new campers so they can be taught how to dig correctly and quickly so they won't have to stay out in the hot sun for so long. But he just shrugged and said that he doesn't want to start some tutoring random thing.

So much for my wonderful, revolutionary idea.

Hehe, Zero stole a pair of shoes. So did Caveman. Is it just me, or are there some similarities between these two crimes? Probably not. Oh well, who cares? It can't mean much to anyone.

Anywho, guess what time it is?

TIME TO GET A WATCH!

Haha... it's lunch time. Lunch? Spaghetti between two pieces of stale bread. Rock-hard apple that was like, _powdery_ and un-juicy. Gah. Corn chips. Water.

It was one of those _better_ lunches, sadly enough.

"Hi 'lil one!" Squid greeted enthusiastically, sitting next to me.

"Hello Squidster!" I returned cheerfully, crunching on my chips.

"How's it going?"

"Alright... I suppose. What about you?"

He shrugged, looking decidedly cute while doing so, "I'm okay, too." Then he grinned smugly, "You've got crumbs on your face."

"Huh, where?" I whined, batting at my cheeks.

To my surprise, Squid leant forward and gently brushed at my face. I felt the heat creep up to my face and _knew_ a blush was imminent. But... it's _Squid._ Why are my blood cells rushing to my face at _Squid_?

Not - normal.

To divert the attention away from me, I fumbled weakly, "Sooo... Incredible Juke Box. How about a song?"

"Umm... what about; _beauty queen of only fourteen, she, had some troubles with herse-e-e-lf. He was always there to a-nnoy her, she, always was o-bliv-vious_."

OH MY GOODNESS ME!

HE'S SINGING MY FAVE SONG A.T.M.

A bit disfigured, but still my fave song a.t.m!

"You got the lyrics wrong!" I cried.

"This is _my_ version," Squid shot back, "Let me finish... I walked for metres and metres and ended up at... Zero's ho-o-ole. I've annoyed you so many times but somehow, I want - "

"Mo-o-ore!" I chorused happily.

"I don't mind spendin' everyday," Squid sang (did I mention he has a _horrible_ voice?), "Out on the dirt in the - "

"Pou-our-ring ra-ai-ain!"

"Look for the girl with the white visor - "

"_Broken smile_, you dolt," I said agitatedly, realising he was singing about _moi_ which made me feel uncomfortable.

"Ask her if she wants to use my scisso-ors," Squid continued, grinning at me.

"And she wi-i-i-ill be - " I sang loudly, glaring at him. If he disfigures the song any more then I will throw a rockmelon at him!

" - eaten, she wi-i-ill be ea-a-aten," Squid burst out happily.

Since there was no rockmelon nearby, I picked up the apple and hurled it at him.

I have bad aim.

It flew over his shoulder and hit X-Ray in the rear end.

Hehehe, despite knowing throwing fruit at people's butts wasn't a very wise thing to do, I was still amused.

X-Ray straightened up (having this _really_ scary look on his face), picked up the apple and smashed it on Armpit's back, evidently thinking he was the one who threw it at him.

"What was that for?" Armpit yelled.

I instantly looked up at the sky, whistled and twiddled my thumbs.

When I heard them begin to argue, I put my head in my hands and whistled some Japanese song Claude's obsessed with loudly.

"You know I could just tell them it was you," Squid finally said maliciously.

My head immediately shot up, "You wouldn't dare!"

Squid's smile dropped, "I know."

I smiled back to show that I found him... odd.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY SANDWICH!" Armpit was now screaming, "NO - _NO_! Alright, you put that down this instant! - _NO_! X YOU FIEND!"

"TAKE _THAT_!" X-Ray screamed hysterically, picking up a stick and poking Armpit in the - ergh, never mind.

I don't understand why they're at this camp when they should be shipped off in white straight jackets. Orange is so not their colour.

After ten tiring minutes of "My dad could beat up your goldfish any day!" and "Your sister's boyfriend's a _skank_!", they finally stopped arguing because they couldn't remember what they were arguing about in the first place.

Zero finished digging three minutes and forty seconds after 1 PM. I know this because I stared at my watch and counted down. D-tent joined in with the counting down and when we reached zero, we yelled, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

I'm supposed to go back to the compound once whoever-I'm-interviewing finishes digging, but I decided to stay when Zero walked back. Squid joined me on the ground (he's been coming up to me lately) and started folding boats out of the paper I was tearing out of my notebook.

AND-DO-NOT-GIVE-ME-A-LECTURE-ABOUT-KILLING-TREES-AND-WASTING-PAPER-AND-EATING-UP-THE-OZONE-LAYER!

I _need_ to rule this margin _perfectly_, and if it's not perfect, then, well, too bad for the paper, BUT IT'S GETTING RIPPED _OUT_!

Usually, I'm pro at ruling straight/flawless margins, but it's sort of difficult when you don't have a ruler.

"So, d'ya like them?" Squid asked me, grinning proudly.

Wide-eyed, I stared at the fleet of paper boats that he had... err... folded.

Holy sugar, it looks like the First Fleet that sailed to Botany Bay in Australia or something like that! I know as an American I shouldn't be paying too much attention to Australian history, but for the love of all things orange, I have a _crush_ on Captain Cook.

Um, perish that thought.

It's just so - _ew_.

Ugh.

Sick.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!

Okay, I'm calm now.

"I - err- they're very nice," I gabbled, my tongue flopping uselessly.

Squid glared at me, "You hate them."

I cringed inwardly and put on my most "_**no**_**, it's just that - **" face.

"I don't _hate_ them, it's just... well, you're ruining my paper," I said understandingly, pulling together the biggest bluff I have created. Nah, I've lied much better and more than that. Like the time I knocked the top ice cream scoop of Claude's double chocolate, and I blamed it on Mario, her Italian cat. She didn't believe me though, because she said Mario wouldn't do that to her and that cats were trained in the mother's womb never to knock ice cream off a cone.

I told her she was the biggest pyscho I had ever seen, and she said, "Look who's talking!" and some random boy skating past yelled, "BACKFIRE!" and laughed insane-like until he tripped over a rubbish bin.

Hehe... memories...

I remember I slipped and fell into a pond and screamed, "I'M DROWNING, I'M DROWNING!" before realising that I could stand up... yeah, the pond was kind of shallow... Hey, I was little then!

_It happened a few months ago._

Uh, _yeah_, I bet you I've grown since those "few months ago".

"Do… you like me?"

Oh yeah, and there was this one time when I stacked it over -

WHAT?

_Okay, stay calm, he's just trying to confuse and unnerve you. All you have to do is deliver the coolest and most indifferent comeback that will leave him writhing in pain._

"Whatwazzat?"

Oh, BRILLIANCE! My brain has officially dogged me.

Curse you.

Squid grinned lopsidedly, "I said; do you like pizza?"

My mouth dropped open.

Yeah, I agree I have faulty hearing every now and then, but HE SO DID NOT SAY THAT BEFORE!

"You're lying, you so did not say that and if you don't tell me what you really said then I will set my army of beavers after you. AND, get _this_. They know KARATE!"

Oh, _dear._ It's bad enough my brain has left me, but did I really need to drag my imaginary army of beavers into this mess?

Someone hand me a mop.

And a bucket of water.

And some soap.

"I _did_ say that," Squid stared at me, then sighed, "C'mon, I'll cure you of your hangover."

"Of my _what_, excuse me?" I spluttered, "I did _not_ get drunk last night!"

"First sign of drunkenness: denying you're not an alcoholic. Don't worry, 'lil girl, it happens! But in time we can cure you so that you'll never want to touch a beer again!"

He had finished digging so he went back towards the compound...

...and carried me with him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed, trying to fight him off, "This is assault, I can get you in jail for this!"

Squid chuckled, "As _if_!" Then he began to swing me around in circles.

How is that curing me of my supposed "hangover"?

No, cereally, tell me!

"STOP!" I screamed, though I was giggling. "AHHHHHHHHHHH! PUT ME DOWN!"

Ah, first mistake.

"Okay."

_BANG._

Oh, Squid put me down alright. He just happened to let go instantly. So that I fell back on the dirt, _very_ dizzy and in lots of pain.

"Ow," I moaned, "Ow, ow, ow." Throbbing. Migraine. In-part-near-ear.

"Grab a shell, dude," Squid chuckled, bending down with his back facing me. It took me a moment to understand what he was doing, then it clicked in place.

"Yay, piggy-back ride," I said weakly, sitting up and wrapping my arms around his neck. He picked me up and I rested my head against his back, unaware of what I was doing. I was in PAIN!

You try spinning around in circles for thirty seconds and then being dropped onto the floor instantly.

"You aren't going to drop me on the ground when I tell you to put me down, will you?" I asked wearily.

"I might."

"If you do," I murmured into his warm shoulder, "I'll steal a bow and arrow and try out my non-existent archery skills."

He chuckled. "Have you ever hit the bullseye?"

I smiled in spite of myself, feeling deliriously warm. "I've never even hit the board."

Squid chuckled again, his hold on me tightening. "Don't worry, princess," he said with a small sigh. "I'll teach you how to do it properly... one day."

"No one can teach me. Trust me."

He snorted, but I could tell he was smiling. "Typical."

When we finally reached the compound, I slid off Squid's back, which reminded me of dismounting a horse. Just please don't tell him that because he'll take it to offence, probably thinking that I classify him as a horse and not a human, and therefore I'm being racist and like his great-aunt or whatever.

Squid's mind works in mysterious ways.

"Whoa," he said blankly.

"What?" I asked, turning towards the compound. I stopped and gasped.

"Someone stole the tents!" I yelled, outraged.

"_No_, you ningnong, the Warden's replaced them with _cabins_!" Squid said enthusiastically, looking awed.

I gave him an edgy glance, "Oh yeah, you're just saying that 'cause you were involved with the theft. Weren't you? HUH? _PUNK_? Oooh, I get it. You're a gangster. Well, STEP BACK!"

"You are so weird," Squid rolled his eyes before walking forward. "Whoa... this is awesome! Cabins!"

I was still suspicious, "Where'd you ditch the tents, huh?"

"Get over it, 'lil girl, I didn't steal 'em."

"Pfft, such a liar," I countered, taking off my visor and shaking my hair free. Squid turned back to retaliate when he stopped short and got this awed look on his face. After five seconds of this, I asked, "What?"

He was still staring at me with something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"_Squid_," I prompted, starting to feel antsy.

Squid swallowed, seemed to come together and finally said, "Your hair… it's long."

It was my turn to stare.

"Ye-ea-ah," I said, very slowly. "Do you... have a problem with that?"

"No," his voice was strangely constricted. "It's - pretty. But don't you think it's _too_ long?" I blinked, taken-aback, at his sudden brisk and defiant tone. "Seriously, any longer and you'll look like a banshee. Combined with that detrimental scream of yours. Ugh."

I gaped at him, speechless. "You - "

"Me what?" Squid grinned infuriatingly while I garbled my mouth like a goldfish. He laughed, turned around and walked off, waving his hand at me carelessly. "Catch you later, 'lil girl."

I made a face and stomped back to my tent, planning to play knock-and-run later with their NEW AND IMPROVED cabins. Bah, that'll teach them.

Especially that horrible, mean, insensitive, ungrateful, cute, greedy one, Squid.

_CUTE?_

--

A/N: Hehehe, that's it for now! I went on camp and shoved so many things in this chapter from it. Mentions of archery, horses, knock-and-run, screaming rock songs, the re-make of "She Will Be Loved" (Maroon 5), getting piggy-backs and swung around (and dropped on the sand, ow). Lots of things in this chapter are credit to my beautiful friends whom I love! (Tears of mirth - Julia!) Hehe. I had a wonderful time. Anywho, Squid was mentioned a lot here. Hmmm... hehe. THANKS FOR REVIEWING! And sorry for the long time it took me to update. I've been busy... Really busy. In fact, I better go now. Au revoir! x) - msq.


	17. Interviewing: SQUID

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Seventeen ll Interviewing: SQUID**

--

Day 19

"...stop, stop, stop... and bring back, Springstein, Madonna, way before Nirvana, there was U2 and Blondie, music still on MTV!"

"Mmmm..." I mumbled into my pillow, rolling on my side and falling off my airbed.

Ouchie.

I hate the morning.

It's not even morning. It may be 4:30 AM, but who in their right mind could classify this as morning? It's pitch black!

I know, I know. You're most likely thinking 'stars above, you've been here for over a fortnight and _now_ you're complaining?' Well, I'm slow at these things. Deep down, I've been hating this waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night scheme. But it's not until later that I realise these things.

"...she's still preoccupied, with 19, 19, 1985!" Squid was singing loudly.

No, Squid's infatuation with singing is one thing that has _not_ escaped my attention.

"SHH!" I hissed into my pillow, so you can imagine that no noise came out. Thus, he continued singing.

Oh, have mercy on the ears…

"She's seen all the classics, she knows every line!"

I managed to open my eyes. I know, shock of the century. Oh, please, stop the applause. (BIG BEAM) All right everyone, brace yourselves...

I'm going to sit up.

GASPSHOCKHORROR.

Okay, I'll stop being an idiot.

As Squid continued to screech, I got a wonderful idea. I was going to dress up like that girl in _The Ring_! And scare the living day - I mean, _night_lights out of Squid. I shall jump out of my tent and scream... My screams are a weapon of mass destruction. _Detrimental scream_, PAH. You ain't seen nothing yet, Iron Man.

"19, 19, 1985!" Squid stopped singing and I silently thanked the heavens. " 'Lil girl? Are you awake yet? You didn't go and get drunk after I told you not to, did you? 'Cause you're too young to pass out. You'll grow up to be a single, alcoholic mother who won't pay the slightest bit of attention to HER SON!"

_Whoa_, why does he sound so… serious?

I remained as quiet as a mouse while I slipped into some sort of white gown. Squid continued yelling outside but I ignored him. I always ignore people when I don't wanna listen to them. I also block out their voices. All you have to do is smile and nod while daydreaming in chocolate land or whatever.

Mmm... chocolate.

"Kids need parents! A mother _and_ a father!"

I smiled and nodded, though it wasn't necessary because he couldn't even see me.

"Single mothers aren't good for the world!"

I smiled. I nodded.

"The kid will grow up stealing things!"

Smile. Nod.

"Then he - or she - 'll get caught and sentenced to some juvenile correctional facility!"

Smile. Nod.

"- and he - or she - 'll have to dig holes for a very long time!"

Smile. Nod. Glance over at the tent flap. Smile. Nod.

" - and - oi, ARE YOU AWAKE YET?"

Smile. Shake head. Wipe red lipstick all over my face and smile as it looks like blood. Blehehehe, I look so scary now.

"That's it, I'm coming in!"

Smile. Nod.

No wait... there was something wrong with that.

_The unzipping of the flap as I pondered on what seemed not quite right..._

I frowned.

_The tent flap was slowly lifting up..._

I bit my lip.

_I realised I had not properly dressed yet._

"HOLY COW!" I screamed, picking up an object at random and hurling it at Squid, "GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!"

"Oh man, I thought you weren't awake yet!" and he stumbled back out, mumbling a thousand-and-one apologies.

When I got dressed, I stepped out and GLARED at him.

Squid was staring at the ground shamefully.

"Ahem!" I said sternly, "Greeting _earthling_."

Squid's head shot up. His mouth was formed to say something snotty like, "What, so you _are_ an alien?" when he froze and stared at me, like I was Godzilla or something.

"What?" I said irritably.

"What the..." Squid stared at me with wide eyes, "..._heck_ happened to your face?"

HEY! I know I'm not Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston, but still! Girls are very sensitive about their looks. HMPH. I think I'll go and hit Squid now.

And I was about to when I remembered all the red gunk I had shoved over my face so I'd look equivalent to Samara in _The Ring_.

Oh, man.

"Oh, man," I groaned, walking back in my tent and leaving a very confused Squid outside.

--

"And then - "

"Shut _up!_" I hissed.

Squid pouted, "But I wanna tell them!"

"Nuh _uh_!"

"Yeah _eh_!"

We weren't getting anywhere.

"You two fight like a married couple," X-Ray drawled.

"Of course," Squid said nonchalantly. "We are married."

I just _looked_ at him.

Armpit yawned widely, "I'm tired."

Magnet yawned, "So am I."

"Oh, man," Zigzag said, watching as his tower of paper cups fell over. I wondered how he got the cups anyway. I wonder why breakfast tastes so bad. I wonder why the sky is blue.

"Because God wanted it that way," X-Ray replied.

I blinked. Had I said that out loud?

"Yup," Squid said, taking a bite of his cereal.

I blinked again.

"HAHAHAHAHA, gay," Caveman began laughing hysterically. He was reading one of the books I had given him. It was called _How To Cope With Psychos._

D-tent crowded around him to read the word "gay". Before I knew it, I was surrounded by hysterical boys who were laughing their pants off about _gay_ (ga-A-_ai_).

It's an adjective.

It describes happiness.

It's...

Oh, for the love of all things plastic, it's a WORD!

"Stop it!" I screamed at them, "Stop laughing! AHHH, give me that book!"

I snatched the book from Caveman and began to read it, 'cause I needed to know how to deal when surrounded by PSYCHOS.

First page...

...was covered in milk.

Great, I had just lost the first critical ten stops to coping with psycho people. Oh well, I shall just have to improvise. I took out my notebook while the boys laughed ("HA HA HA HA, GAY!") and began making up the first ten steps myself.

Six minutes later, I gave up and chewed on some gum while Mr. Wow-I-Haven't-Seen-Him-In-Awhile barked at us.

Oh my jelly, I know the perfect first step...!

"GIRLIE!"

...and now I can't remember.

I silently cursed Mr. Sir. Him and his loud voice. Him and his stupid cowboy hat. Him and his evil sideburns.

Just wait till I write the worst report on him ever. And the AG will read it.

We'll see who'll be barking then!

I beamed as I remembered all the power I had.

"What are you smilin' 'bout?" Mr. Sir jeered at me. Oh, so you jeer too, do you?

_(NOTE: MR. DOG-PIG-BANSHEE JEERS. WHAT SORT OF CREATURE JEERS? GET BACK TO ME ON THAT ONE, PLEASE.)_

"Err... nothing," I said with a little sigh.

Sometimes, you've just gotta admit defeat.

Besides, Mr. Sir isn't all that bad. Not really. In fact, apart from his hat and sideburns and the menagerie of animals he has in his voice box, he's a pretty okay man.

Maybe I _won't_ write a terrible report on him. Just a truthful one. And the truth about Mr. Sir isn't so bad.

--

ZERO WAS ABANDONED BY HIS MUM!

IF I EVER GET A HOLD OF HER, I WILL CUT HER HAIR AND USE IT TO MANURE MY GARDEN!

Sniff... how could _anyone_ leave Zero by himself at a park? He's so cute and little... waaahh...

I ended day nineteen on a sad note, pondering on Zero's past and the fact that he has no family.

--

Day 20

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!

I joined the boys at breakfast the next morning. They seemed to be deep in discussion about something but stopped talking completely when I sat down.

Because I'm so smart, I didn't say anything while I poured sugar on my cereal.

" 'Lil gal, we have overruled you," X-Ray said calmly.

Wha?

"Yeah," Armpit said business-like, "We've come to the conclusion that your offence has caused too much of an impact at this camp for it to be ignored without punishment."

I turned to Caveman, "Translation, please."

"We're going to force you into slave labor for no apparent reason."

"Oooh."

Well, that sounded bright.

"Yes, well," X-Ray glared at me, "From now, you will be carrying _one_ of our shovels whilst walking towards our digging site. Whose shovel it is depends on who gets to you first. As for today, it's my turn because I said so."

There were groans throughout the table.

"This is so unconstitutional," I spoke through my cereal, "Do I get to have a say on this?"

"No," everyone replied.

I pulled a face, "Well, too bad. _Why_ do I have to carry the shovel? I'm a _girl_!"

Someone snorted in disbelief.

"Oh, two words: _grow up_," I shot back nastily, "You guys are all strong! You can carry your _own_ shovels. Isn't this what our country is about? The boys doing the work while the girl walks beside him looking pretty? I for one think that we should follow our country's custom; not for me, but for our nation. We must show we are proud and patriotic!"

Silence reigned.

"Whatever, I'll meet you at the library."

--

Wow, Squid's the last boy I interview.

I'm... confused.

But that might just be because he's digging and singing, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall."

I could hit him, but I won't.

Cause I'm the nicest - COUGH - girl in the whole - COUGH - wide - COUGH - world.

"Dude, what's your full name?"

"I love you too."

...Right.

"That's not what I said," I tried to tell the Squiddy-boy.

"I love you too."

I grew impatient, "WHAT'S YOUR FULL NAME?"

"I love you too."

"Squid," I said firmly.

He turned to face me cockily, "Yeah?"

I boxed him in the face.

...Haha, no, I'm joking. Even if I tried to punch him, I'm sure the most I'd do is cause his nose to go pink for a second. I'm not saying I'm weak, I'm just saying he has a really hard face.

"What's your last name?" I asked him.

"Smith."

"And first name?"

"Alan," he replied absently.

Success! I've now gotten his full name.

...Alan Smith. That's a nice name.

Mine's better though. (BIG BEAM.)

"Dude, when's your birthday?"

"June the twenty-first."

"People born in June are lame," I said conversationally while jotting this down, "My mum told me so." Okay, so that's a lie.

"And when is your mum's birthday?" Squid asked.

"June the sixteenth," I replied sweetly.

Squid burst out laughing.

I stopped asking questions and paused while watching him dig his three-foot hole. He had given me his hat to wear, in exchange for my own cap. He says it helps him keep in touch with his feminine side.

"X-Ray, can I borrow your glasses?" I shouted towards the leader of D-tent.

"Why?" he yelled back.

"GOOD QUESTION!" I stopped to think, "I LOST MINE!"

"You don't wear glasses!"

"I know, I recently got diagnosed with some sort of thing that makes me need to wear them!" I hollered across the dirt piles.

"...Nah, they're mine!"

"Please!"

"Nope, sorry!"

"Pretty please!"

"Nuh uh."

"PLEASE!"

"NO!"

I sulked.

Squid, who seemed to have a lot on his mind, stood up. He turned to X-Ray, "Dude, just give them to her."

X-Ray frowned at him. I know he heard perfectly well, but he still said, "What?"

Squid nudged towards me, "Give the glasses to her."

X-Ray glared at him in this really... suicidal way, "Why, man?" However scary he looked, I knew X-Ray was trying not to laugh.

I was trying not to die of confusion. _Why_ is Squid asking for me? Rather, _ordering_ X-Ray for me?

Maybe he's tired. Deprived of sleep.

The poor baby.

"Cause..." Squid glanced at me again, "She wants them."

"And what are you gonna do about it?"

D-tent had stopped digging to watch, awed.

I had stopped digging, because I never started in the first place.

Five minutes later, I was talking to Squid about fish. Fish. I hate fish, but he's in love with them.

_Opposites attract_, I heard Claude tell me.

I immediately looked behind me to see if my cheap-excuse-of-a-best-friend had travelled out into the middle of the desert (something _miraculous _as she's paranoid of desert wind - might mess up her hair) to come and visit me.

Speaking of which, she _should_ come and visit me!

Who was there to swap their red crayon for the yucky black one in kindy?

Who was there to eat glue with them when their mum packed the wrong lunch and gave them a _disgusting_ salami sandwich?

Who was there to yell, "LOOK, A DISTRACTION!" at their fifth-grade teacher so they could sneak out of the classroom and bolt for the toilet?

WHO, I ASK, WHO?

_MEEEEEEEE_!!

"...and lobsters too!" Squid said gleefully.

Oh, brother.

He's trying to cheer me up by talking about "seafood" because he hadn't managed to coax X-Ray to give his macho glasses to me. That new Peter's Entice ice cream would've worked a charm, but you try bringing ice cream out here.

I skipped off to the conveniently placed port-a-loo that the Warden woman had put there. For me.

Can't help but feel a little proud, right?

When I skipped back, D-tent had stopped digging and were sitting in a circle as if they were going to play Duck, Duck, Goose.

I pine for my Duck Duck Goose days.

I went to fetch my bag and brought out my nifty little digital camera.

"Everyone, POSE!" I screeched, leaping at the boys and taking several shots.

That surprised them. Some of them, like Zero, shrieked and ducked under their hands; others, like Armpit, gave a wide grin and made the peace sign with his two fingers.

I took about ten photos of them at random until they pounced on me and forced _me_ into the photos as well.

"Stop the flashin', I'm gonna go blind!" I heard Zig holler as he tripped over his own feet and fell on Squid, causing an avalanche.

I giggled as I crashed onto the dirt. Then I coughed several times. Magnet helped me back up.

We banned the digi cam from ever returning to "Circle" (some weird D-tent ritual made by X-Ray) as it caused too much mayhem.

"Can I join in, too?" I whined.

"Sure," Squid pulled me over to him, into his lap. "Sit here."

I obliged, seeing if I could crush him into a pancake.

Obviously not.

"Circle" was terribly boring. The only good bit was when I made the suggestion of changing it to "Triangle" instead, and everyone voted on that. Other than that, it was all dull, dull, dull...

After "Circle/Triangle" was over, I had to re-tie my hair 'cause Squid messed it up. Then I couldn't re-tie my hair, as he insisted on doing it. And he sucked, real bad. I ended up looking like a peacock when he finished.

"Squid," I said, trying not to laugh. "You're terrible at tying my hair."

"Well, I'll plait it!" he insisted, "I'm great at that. I used to plait my cousin's hair before they went off to school."

"Was your cousin a boy or a girl?

"...Do I have to answer that?"

I don't know what I said in response to that, but he ended up plaiting my hair and doing a decent job. It was crooked and a lot of my hair was out of place, but it was okay. For a delinquent.

Wow, I haven't used that word in a long time. It feels good.

_(NOTE: Check the last time I made a really snobbish/sarcastic remark.)_

You know, I think I'm getting better at being... NORMAL.

Squid had almost finished digging when I remembered to ask him the rest of what I had to ask him.

"What's your age?"

"I'm fifteen, OLDER THAN YOU! Bwahahahahahaha."

"...And how long have you been here?"

"Seven months and a quarter."

Let's not get technical!

While we walked back to the compound, Squid kept his arm around me and sang loudly, "I'VE GOT A LOVER-LY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DIDDLY-DEE, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN A ROW!"

It was extremely disturbingly funny.

He somehow managed to coax me to walk to the D-tent ca... oh my jelly.

It's not D-tent anymore.

It's D-_cabin_!

Oh, man, it's like topsy-turvy day! Where the sky's down and the floor's up and everything's upside down!

Yes, I'm quite fond of Sesame Street and Playschool.

D-cabin sounds _awful_. Oh well, 'twill have to be D-tent-cabin.

Hehe, how funny.

So anyway, on our way to D-tent-cabin, I knocked on the A-tent-cabin, B-tent-cabin and C-did-you-know-this-is-getting-tiring?

Knock and run is heaps of fun!

Sorry for the bad rhyme.

"How's the cabin?" I asked before I left, standing outside of D-tent-cabin with Squid.

He smiled reminiscently. "It's good. More space. More insulation. Keeps the cool air in. How's the tent?" he asked back, raising his eyebrows.

"Just _wonderful_," I said haughtily and he laughed, nudging me on the cheek with his finger in what I guess was meant to be an affectionate gesture.

"I'm just teasing, 'lil girl. Sometimes you get way too defensive," he grinned. "It's cute." My mouth twitched in spite of myself as I clutched my cheek and tried to nudge him back, but he ducked and grabbed my hand. "Oooh, too slow," he laughed.

"Hey!" I protested, trying to pull away. "That's not fair."

"Why not?" he asked, still holding my wrist. "You started it." When he finally let go of me, he leant close and said, "Hey, will you promise me something?"

"Hmm. It depends," I said, hiding a grin.

Squid made a face before requesting, "Promise that you'll carry my shovel tomorrow. Alright?"

Ugh, that silly slave-labour deal again.

"Only if you get to me first," I said sing-songingly. I looked up at him, all solemn, "That was part of X-Ray's pact, remember?"

"Fine," Squid said, rising to the challenge. "I'll be waiting for you at the library. I'll be the first one there."

Something about the way he said it made me feel all fuzzy on the inside, but I just turned away with a little smile. "We'll see..."

Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back so that I almost ran into him. I gasped, his arms encircling around me before I really did collide into his body. I stared up at him, entranced and a little dumbfounded, and he looked back before bending down and kissing me on the forehead. The warmth from his lips trickled down to settle in my heart, which was beating a hundred times faster than usual.

Squid released me and grinned into my wide-eyed countenance.

"_Now_ will you carry it tomorrow?" he asked, his brown eyes close to mine.

I have a feeling I nodded. In a buffoon-worthy manner. And that his grin widened before he turned away and went into his cabin.

Leaving the sand to remain yellow and dry.

Leaving the yellow-spotted lizards to wonder if it was hip to be square.

Leaving me wondering _what on earth_ had just happened.

--

A/N: Good evening everyone. NiCki-B, my apologies for not mentioning you up here earlier... I thought I put you up there in the dedications before, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, you guys are too great. :) Well, here was some Squid/Andiiness. I've written out the plot so it might make it easier for me to write now. I can't write. I'm suffering from a writer's block. I know, that is so not cool. :( I would put this story on hiatus, but I know how much you would hate me and I don't want - oh, wait a second. (answers doorbell and sees an angry mob of people with torches and pitchforks) Oh, cow, they've already arrived. Well, lucky I've packed. I'll just escape from the backdoor -

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I'm so sorry for not updating sooner. But the fact is, I can't write this story anymore. It's almost impossible. With exams coming up in a day (and absolutely NO STUDYING), I am completely DEAD. I will try, REALLY TRY to write this story, but it's so hard. And I consider it like homework, sometimes. Nevertheless, while updates will be slower than usual, there will still be updates. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter a lot more than I enjoyed writing it. Fare thee well, m'_cherie_. - msq.


	18. The Longly Awaited Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Eighteen ll The Longly Awaited Chapter**

--

Holy cow, this can't be happening.

Holy cow, it _is_ happening.

HOLY COW, THEY'RE SERVING PIZZA FOR DINNER!

Oh, and also Squid _kissed_ me on the forehead. I mean, what was that all about? Does he _want_ me to collapse underneath this emotional exhaustion?

"Take deep breaths, Andii," Caveman was telling me as I hyperventilated in the Wreck Room, "You need to learn to take things calmly. You know, not to scream and run around in triangles."

"I take everything calmly!" I snapped, emphasising my point by swinging my hand and accidentally whacking Zero in the face, "_Oh_, my bad!"

Oh _no_, I just said 'my bad'.

Oh _no_, I just said it again.

Oh _no_, I really should calm down.

Magnet patted me on the back and said, "Chicka, you want me to race you around from your tent to the Mess Hall to take your mind off things?"

"Si," I said, shaking my head.

They all stared at each other.

"I didn't know you could speak Spanish," Zigzag finally said.

"Non," I said, nodding my head.

"Now she's converted to French," commented X-Ray.

"She need helps."

"S-e-e-eriously."

"Go home," I muttered, turning on my side and closing my eyes, "I don't need help, _you_ need help. Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars? _No_. Exactly, my point proven. I'm tired, I'm going to sleep. If anyone rings, tell them I'm not here and won't be here as long as they're still on the phone."

" 'Lil gal, wake up before I slap you," X-Ray drawled.

I opened my eyes and sat up properly, ashamed.

Meet D-tent, the new counselors of Camp Green Lake. They try to help you when you're worried, or depressed, or just feeling blue. Instead of helping, they make you feel ten times worse.

I know they're just trying to help.

But they can't help.

So why can't they just _please stop trying_.

I'm still confused at Squid, with his talking of the slave labour deal and the requesting to carry his shovel and the pulling and the colliding and that _stupid kiss_!

And I'm still annoyed at the Warden, with her whole "let's-buy-pizza" attitude.

…And _why_ did Squid ask me to carry his shovel and perform such a… such a _feat_ about it, when the next day, he goes ahead and carries the forsaken tool himself? What is WRONG with that boy? Is he more confused than I am?

_Probably._

Now he's _pretending_, such an infant game, pretending that nothing happened. So while I'm biting my lip a lot and sneaking random looks at the dummy, he's whistling away and digging at his hole like there's no tomorrow. Chatting with the guys as free as you please. Playing pool as if nothing's on his mind. Eating dinner as if HE DIDN'T JUST PULL ME TO HIM AND KISS ME ON THE FOREHEAD A MERE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AGO.

Calm _down_, you say?

FINE.

X-Ray was still sitting on the table in front of me, looking at me in some concern. I was sitting cross-legged on the couch, leaning back in exhaustion. The others had given up on me and were heading for the (evil) pizza dinner table.

"What's the matter with you, 'lil gal?" he asked, unusually gentle.

"I'm… confused," I said softly, looking at him imploringly as if he might have the answers. I guess that's how all the guys look at X-Ray. He's our leader, the one we can rely on.

"About what?" he asked.

My eyes grew heavy, "About... everything. I'm so tired, X."

He gave me a little smile, "Hey, hey, wake up. You want dinner?"

I shook my head and he frowned.

"You sure?" When I nodded again, he got up and nudged me gently on the side of my face. "A'ight then. We'll save some dessert for you, 'lil gal."

I smiled at him and later dozed off. One of them must have carried me back to my tent because I woke up the next morning with Squid looking down at me...

--

Day 21

At first, I thought maybe Clover had _finally_ morphed into a human after years of patience.

"Clover! How nice to meet you... man, why are you wearing _orange_?" was my first incoherent and illogical response.

Then: "AHHHH, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN HERE, SQUID?"

Squid scrambled back as I sat bolt right up, screaming from premature heart attack shock. Squid yelped and exclaimed, "Geez, woman, you don't have to _yell_! A couple of thousand people in Egypt didn't hear you!"

This had me stumped for a moment, as I tried to connect _Egypt_ with _yelling_, then _yelling_ with _stuffed cows_.

"I do have to yell! Why'd you come in here? You never do that!" I hollered, my hands flipping over wildly as I looked for something to throw at him. I was so shocked that it even temporarily drove my annoyance at Squid out of my mind. Only, this was another thing to add to my grievances against the idiot.

"I've got a letter for you!" exclaimed Squid defensively, though he did manage to flush a brilliant salmon as he produced a bundle of letters.

Oh, me and my popularity.

No, I was kidding.

Seriously.

I'm not _that_ up myself.

Am I?

"Really?" I beamed while I snatched them from him and said, "Been keeping them away from me to keep me from going to school, hey? Suppose you shall have to punish yourself now! I command you, Dobby - I mean, Squiddy, to bang your head with a lamp and then shut yourself in the closet and make lots of cat-like noises!"

I paused, then said, "Oh yeah, and you have to ruin Mr. Sir's Japanese golf joke."

Slight pause. Slight frown. Slight _Look_ of 'I think she's deranged'.

Then, "Okay... 'lil girl... you've been reading way too much Harry Potter."

Oh, I shall weep for my Harry Potter days.

Something hit me. Not literally. I just realised this is the first time I've been alone with Squid since he kissed me on the forehead. He _kissed_ me on the forehead. He kissed _me_ on the forehead.

He kissed me on the _forehead_.

Wow, I just realised how many meanings you can produce with one _emphasis_.

He _kissed_ me on the forehead shows that I cannot believe he _kissed_ me.

He kissed _me_ on the forehead defines that I cannot comprehend that he kissed _me_. Me, of all people at Camp Green Lake! ...Well, I see his point. Who else could he kiss? X-Ray? Caveman? The Warden? Or...

..._Mr. Sir_?

EWWWWWWW.

He kissed me on the _forehead_ depicts my utter disgust to where he chose to kiss me. Except, I don't mind that it was the forehead.

You know what?

I've just confused myself even more.

To make myself look slightly smarter than I am, I simply stated that Harry Potter is cool and to _get out_ of my tent so I can read the letters he has most intrusively hidden from me.

PUNISH YOURSELF, SQUIDDY, PUNISH YOURSELF!!

I opened the envelope that was black and written in whiteout was, "THERE'S A BOMB IN HERE, ALL SHALL PERISH AND CO-EXIST PEACEFULLY FOREVERMORE! THE END."

Definitely from Claude.

_Konnichiwa!_

_Hey Andii! HAHAHAHA, you're at a boys' detention camp! You're going to come back all bad-like and skipping school and wearing black nail polish and getting your belly button pierced and having a thousand earrings and **please don't.**_

_Everyone misses you heaps! HONEST. Today Sandra wanted to give you a minute's silence... well, it lasted for about five seconds. Be proud. And and and I've been really bored without you! You missed my birthday you horrible cow. What kind of best friend do you call yourself? No, just kidding. I got the letter you sent me. I really miss you, Di. How's the camp shaping up? Any cute guys? xD_

_TELL ME ALL! MUAHAHAHA!_

_So I'll tell you a funny story? Yesterday I got locked in my bedroom. I AM NOT PULLING YOUR LEG. And I was busting, too! Stupid cheap door handles. Yes, the handle fell off. Are you laughing? I know you are. I still kinda am, actually. Not that it was funny at the time; I was shocked, scared, horrified, peeved off and then maybe a bit senile by the time I got out. They had to get me out through the window and Mum got the repairmen to fix my handle. You have to come try it out. It's so shiny and nice, and there's something so satisfying about opening my bedroom door now._

_If you're wondering what I'm doing these days, they consist of (ready?): HOMEWORK._

_Haha, kidding. More like sitting in front of the TV and watching dramas. Take pittance on me, Di, I have used eleven boxes of Kleenex on these terrible dramas. Why must they always have a terminal disease? And I __have__ been doing my homework. (Would you expect anything less? This is your Japanese nerd friend, after all. Booyah!)_

_I'm going to the library now (YES. NERD I BE) so I'm gonna drop this off at the post office on the way there. WB soon or I'm gonna hunt you down. _

_ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOUIMISSYOU._

_Luv,  
Claudette._

I feel teary. Like, really really teary.

I really want a hug.

What's even more insane, I want Squid to pop back in, in all his Dobbyness and spread out his arms and say, "I'll give you a hug."

The things that can happen when you're trapped in a correctional facility and you're totally innocent.

--

"Pie."

"Crust."

"Bird."

"Poo."

"Sewer."

"Lawyer."

"Judge."

"Wig."

"Pig."

"Farm."

"Duck."

"Quack."

"Crackers."

"And cheese."

"Ew."

"Stop it you two," Zero groaned for the zillionth time that afternoon, "It's annoying. And Andii, you have to ask Squid about his past, otherwise Mr. Sir is going to chop you up into little pieces and put you in a pie."

"Oh, I like the sound of that," I said, shutting my eyes ecstatically, " 'The Andromeda Pie.' Better yet, 'The Andii-Pandii-Wonderfilli Pie'."

It makes me so proud to think that, one day, hungry kids all over the world will be eating my brand of pies.

With me as the filling.

...Maybe it's not so wonderfilli after all.

Magnet turned to Zero, "Aw, don't be such a spoilsport, Zee. This game is fun. See, we'll try. I say one word, and you gotta say the first thing that comes to your mind. Tennis ball."

Zero turned away, "Do I really have to say what comes to my mind first?" he said in an embarrassed sort of way.

Magnet looked blank, then frowned, "Oh, I get you. Okay then, uhh... Sausage."

Zero still said nothing; he held the same disgusted look on his face.

"Oh, man!" Magnet cursed, "Fine, you can't make anything wrong out of this: _whipped cream_."

Looking rather frightened, Zero went back to digging his hole furiously.

I will never understand boys.

Never.

"Oh, and would ya look at Squiddy dig," Zigzag commentated, on the other side of the digging site, "With such enthusiasm and spirit, it was like this boy was _made_ for digging holes! Would'n'cha say so, Pit?"

"Why of course," Armpit chimed in, talking into an imaginary microphone, "Squid... err, what's his last name?"

"Err... D-tent?"

"Squid D-tent is the digger of all - no, that sounds wrong. Who'd have a surname like _D-tent_?"

"Are you insulting X-Ray?"

"What - no!"

"Coz if you are..." Zigzag demonstrated the consequence by punching his right fist into his left palm.

"What, you're gonna punch his hand?"

"More like your nuts - "

" - and raisins, same thing," Armpit finished off hastily when he saw me walk over.

"No way, raisins are like sultanas," Zigzag continued arguing.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

A shovelful of dirt came flying at them both.

"Will you two just shut up?" yelled Squid, putting down his raised shovel.

Ahaha, raised and raisin sound the same...sort of.

"Your face needs to shut up," Zigzag countered brightly, wiping the dirt off his own… face. "Man, how are raisins and nuts alike?"

"Coz you hear them together all the time!" Armpit almost yelled, "Kinda like cheese and crackers!"

Another shovelful of dirt hit them.

"That's it, I'm going to go pee," Armpit said bad-temperedly.

"Ah, watch it, little ears!" Squid said loudly, pointing at me.

"Excuse me, I have normal-sized ears!" I said at once. It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop myself!

"I meant you're too young," Squid said with a sigh.

"What, too young to hear that Armpit is going off to urinate?" I snapped. Word vomit again.

"Could you please not talk about me behind my back?" Armpit yelled over his shoulder. He turned around and started to walk backwards, "It's not very nice, you know! How would you like it if - OH, CRAP!"

Yep, he had walked into a hole.

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Funny.

I'm over it now.

MUAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Mental image of Armpit stacking it into a hole.

I turned away and started giggling to myself.

"So _anyway_, after that awful interruption," Zigzag cleared his throat, "Welcome back to Zig'n'Pitty's show: _Dining with Dan_. Today we will follow me around and meet up with Squiddy to find out the secret behind his holes. Later on in the show, we will catch up with good ol' Zero and discover how he gets his fabulous little curls."

What kinda corny name is _Dining with Dan_?

And who _is_ Dan?

And why would you name a show after him/her?

The things you try to find out these days.

" - we'll chat with Caveman and check out those new tulips he has imagined into existence, and ways to freshen up your non-existent garden this annual summer - "

"He has acute paranoia, he has acute paranoia," Squid was muttering under his breath.

I must ask Squid these questions about his past and crime if I want to graduate from high school!

Well... not really.

"Zig," I said suddenly, "Please... hmm, how do I put this..."

Quick, someone tell me a nice way to tell Zigzag I want him to shut his trap.

"Please shut your trap."

Oh, brilliant.

Zigzag blinked at me with wide eyes. He pointed a quaking finger at me and said, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"

Holy _jubes_, sudden remembrance of him chasing me around with a shovel. I was ready to scream and hide in a hole when he dropped his arm and said (quite normally, I might add), "I'm bored."

Mmm, juvy centres these days _are_ a bit on the melancholy side.

What an excellent note!

I grabbed my denim bag, pulled out my notebook and scrawled it in big, bold letters.

Squid has really nice hair.

As I looked through my bag for some gum, my hairbrush fell out. Zero-point-five seconds later, it had gone and Zigzag was inspecting it. I was about to snatch it off him before he could start screaming, "IT'S TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY SENSE OF TOUCH!", before realising that he had at last gone quiet.

Maybe this hairbrush could be some sort of entertainment for him.

Zigzag was giggling at it silently, and he was whispering plans for a tea party.

I took this chance to slip over to Squid, take out my form on him and asked, "Okay, so like, give me a brief summary of your past."

Squid sighed and pushed the tip of his shovel into the dirt, resting on top of it.

"Briefing my past would be like taking the middle part of a story out, leaving you with the beginning and ending," he explained seriously, looking at me with intense brown eyes.

I hate it when publishers do that! (Take the middle part of a story out.)

"Well, then..." I shrugged, "Just tell me all of it. Come on." I plopped down on the dirt and patted the spot beside me, "I've listened to everyone's life story. Pretty interesting, really."

"Your fingers are crossed," Squid pointed out, reluctantly sitting beside me.

Darn. How did he see?

"Oh," I said, thinking fast, "Now how did that happen..." I uncrossed my fingers and rushed on, "So, begin at the beginning."

Squid took a deep breath and dragged out the longest word I had ever heard of, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell."

My hand was twitching to write something down.

"Well..." Squid took another deep breath, "_Well_..."

"Tell me something," I said, leaning closer, "Are you just going to say '_well_', or are you planning on linking some other words together to form a sentence?"

Squid half-smiled, "Okay, well - "

He suddenly broke off and turned around.

I WAS SO CLOSE!

It turned out Zigzag had started to brush Squid's hair with my hairbrush.

"Uh..." Squid tried to ignore his friend's persistent brushing and continued speaking, "Well, I remember living in a castle."

I hadn't exactly been expecting that.

"It wasn't exactly a castle, but it was pretty big," he shrugged, "And we lived in a really nice place. It was pretty. But that's all I can remember. My parents argued a lot. Then next thing I know, we'd moved out of the castle and we lived in a much smaller house. In a not-so-nice area."

He paused for a moment to stare at Zig, who had moved off of combing Squid's hair to combing Squid's back.

"That kinda tickles," Squid commented, then turned back to me, "I must've been really young then. We had only been living in the small house for a little while when my dad walked out."

I suppressed an "aww". What is it with parents leaving their youngin's behind?

"When I was older, I found out what happened. My mum had a drinkin' problem and my dad didn't like it. Apparently he was fed up with her because he had given up so much to be with her and she just threw it back in his face," Squid shrugged and looked at the dirt, with Zig still brushing his back. "My mum was really angry when dad just left. She called him a lot of bad things."

I will not cry, I will not cry.

Think of pie.

Rhymes are annoying.

Squid sighed. Zigzag stopped brushing his back and moved onto his neck.

"Ouch, not there! That hurts," Squid moaned, pushing Zig away. "So _anyway_..." he looked at me as I scribbled something unreadable on his form, "My mum was sorta abusive. She was… drunk a lot. When she wasn't drunk, she was sleeping or throwing up on the bathroom floor."

I scrunched up my nose. Reflex action. But he didn't mind.

"Yep, that's life for me," Squid sighed again. "She was angry a lot of the time, too. Mostly at Dad, but she lashed out on me. She had a job down at the local pub, but she always used the money on her alcohol. I had to... I had to steal to buy food, pay the rent, bills... That sorta thing."

"Oooh," I said slowly. These kids really have troubled and hard lives. I gulped, trying to forget what a horrible brat I've always been. And how much stuff I've taken for granted.

"Yeah, and - STOP BRUSHING ME!" Squid finally yelped at Zigzag.

Zigzag broke into hysterical laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

Watching him laugh made me laugh.

Soon, we were both rolling on the floor laughing.

ROFL.

What a word.

Roff-ool.

Aaaaaanywho.

I managed to convince Zigzag you can dig holes much quicker using a hairbrush, which finally made him go away. Bonus point: made him stop brushing Squid.

"He is so weird," I giggled.

"Yeah, but he's cool," Squid smiled at me, "So… yeah. I had to steal to keep my mum and me alive."

"I see."

"Of course you do, that's why you were given eyes."

"…You are lameo."

"I stole loose change and food 'round the neighbourhood. Nothing ever _too_ serious. This gang that went to my school asked me to go with them, but I guess I was too... too independent to join. But sometimes I went with them and we would raid the local supermarket. Just grab some change and stuff off the shelves. Nothing too serious. And I had to, anyway."

I used to think all stealing was just plain bad, but I've started to see that in some cases, it was sort of a necessity.

Oh no, I'm getting teary.

I imagined a very pink elephant - I mean, a very pink pie.

"That's about my life, I guess," Squid looked at me with those eyes of his, and they always made me melt. Amazing, how forty degree celcius weather can make me sweat and all, but a juvenile delinquent's eyes can make me melt like the Wicked Witch of the West in the _Wizard of Oz_.

I seriously don't think I will ever get life. And when I do, I will have the most twisted, confusing and furthest away from the actual meaning understanding of it.

The woes of being an insane little girl.

Not that I'm little, or even insane.

"Oooh..." I wiped away a tear, hoping he wouldn't notice, "You poor baby..."

Squid snorted and laughed, "Yeah. Right. You need to get out more often, 'lil girl. You've been cooped up in Palmoilin too long."

I don't know what shocked me more: the fact that he remembered where I come from, or the fact that he called the place by its name, and not "Diamondville".

"Maybe you're right," I shrugged, "But when I grow up, I'm going to move out and build myself an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."

"You do that," Squid laughed, shaking his head, "So, I've just wasted about ten minutes of my life. Great. Can I waste some more?"

"Sure," I said, flicking through my notebook, "What crime did you commit?"

"I broke into someone's house and grabbed some stuff. I'd done this a million times before, but this time I got caught," Squid said indifferently.

"Ah."

I spent the rest of the day reading _A Series of Unfortunate Events_, and I couldn't help but think that the boys here at this camp had the same tragic sort of past as the Baudelaire orphans. I couldn't help but think that these kids were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that they're actually decent teenagers like me.

Like _me_.

Someone who was born into a wealthy family, living in the most privileged town in and out of Texas.

The only difference between me and them is that I got lucky.

I couldn't help but realise that my friends back at Palmoilin may be there for a while, but the friends I have here have already made a lasting impression on me.

There's a fine line between it all, some line that I can't really grasp.

I wonder why I didn't figure this out earlier.

I wonder why I'm so thick sometimes.

I wonder if getting sent here to do a report on CGL and meeting these boys wasn't just some whacked up idea of the AG's, and wasn't just some crazy agreement of my mum's. Maybe I'm _supposed_ to be here.

All a part of destiny, or whatever it's called.

Just maybe...

_These kids,_  
_Trapped in a struggle and,_  
_Nowhere to head at night._  
_Head full of trouble is,_  
_All that they're gettin',_  
_And nobody knows,_  
_The suffering they go through._  
_And you wouldn't believe them if they told you_.

--

A/N: All right, I know you're all seriously ready to kill me because I haven't updated in almost a month. I'm really, really, really SORRY! I'm not even going to explain why I haven't updated for so long. Too much going on, I guess. So yeah. Honestly, this chapter just wasn't coming out right. And even now I don't think it's as good as it can be. But that's life. :) I will certainly **NOT** be giving up this fic, so do not freak. Updates may be slow, that's all. 1001 kisses to my reviewers and readers. And if I don't update before, Merry Christmas to you all. - msq.

PS. Thanks for reviewing. :) As I said before, I am not going to give up on this fic. By the way, there was a BIG CLUE in this chapter... well, I think there was, anyway. Lol. If you figure it out, that'd be cool:) Okay, I'm being way too vague. Oh well, I don't want to ruin the story. Hehe, Lucky38, your metaphor was wicked. I loved it. :) Wait, what's a metaphor? (shrug) There, there, DarkKestralSilkeQueen, I used to be a real dunce at ff net terms. One-sided literally means one-sided, lol. Meaning it's only been from one side. Okay:) Yup, songs are cool. My friends find my tendency to burst out into random songs really odd, hehe. The kiss-on-the-cheek presented a bit of a commotion, hey? I thought it was cute:) Okay, tally ho amigos!

**PPS.** **The song is 'These Kids' by Joel Turner.**


	19. Pudding And All 'Round Insanity

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Nineteen ll Pudding And All 'Round Insanity**

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

11th of August. (Day 21)

_Mood: drained _  
_Time: 9:01pm_

_My lips are dry and my six tubes of lip gloss have all DISAPPEARED! Arghh, how can they all just leave me? Grr. It makes me SO angry. Come to think of it, Armpit has been having very pink and full lips recently. Must go ask him about it later._

_Anywho,_ _today was my SECOND DAY OF INTERVIEWING SQUID. He's had a really sad past. It makes me sad to think about it. But you know what makes me even sadder?_

_My lip gloss box empty._

_Not that I have a lip gloss box or anything, but I want my lip gloss back! Otherwise I'll have dry lips in the morning, and I'll look like a... like a fish with dry lips! I don't wanna look like that._

_Oh, that reminds me. I got lots of mail. Tons. Makes me feel really loved. I also got a parcel from the AG. He sent me a cassette tape and player. The tape, unfortunately, is blank. I'm supposed to give it to the D-tent boys, and they're all to record whatever they feel like talking about onto it, just so the AG knows what kinda people are at Camp Green Lake. It's kind of like a diary entry, except you speak it._

_They also have to give their opinions about the camp. And the inspector._

_Which is me._

_They have to say what kinda effect I've had on this camp. And whether or not they're grateful._

_I'm really scared of what they might say._

_"Andii is an insane person who should be sent to a shrink."_

_If the AG hears that, he'll kidnap me, shove me in a potato sack and throw me in the ocean, where I will drown in a completely unromantic way, to be forgotten forever... And no one will realise the murder behind this. Everyone will think I jumped into the sea off my own accord, and the AG will walk away, as if he was totally innocent..._

_Well, I'll kill him first._

_Did you know X-Ray likes lychees? I didn't._

_Nighty_ _night night,_

_Andii._

--

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

12th of August. (Day 22)

_Mood: bubbly_  
_Time: 6:34pm_

_DiNneR_ _Is MYSteRIOUS sAUSAges anD bEAn slUdGe._

_ExcUse_ _my BumPY wriTing, X-rAy keeps snatcHing My peN, and hE sAys I proMIsed noT to wrIte in This anYmoRe at tHe tabLe._

_Finally, he's stopped annoying me. So anyway, today was just another ordinary day. Camp Green Lake is pretty boring. Any sort of change, even if it's just a new camper, around here is like BIG NEWS._

_I asked D-tent if they had started their little cassette-diary-thing, and they told me in secret that X-Ray has been talking to it all night long. Then later, they said Zig was paranoid about it. It went something like this..._

_Squid: Zig was freaked how it recorded our voices._

_Zig: Hey! I think it's-_

_Everyone: It won't steal your voice, man._

_Hahaha, such a funny bunch._

_I finished interviewing Squid today, meaning I have finished my interviewing. Which is a relief. Now I have to work on my reports on the camp and such, and I've got wonderful things to write. Many great ideas planned._

_But you know what's scary? If I've finished interviewing that means I'm leaving soon... which is great, but... I've made good friends here, and I want to... STAY. Yes, you saw the words._

_I WANT TO STAY._

_I know you're thinking "this girl is mental", but it's true. I have fun here. I have fun back at home, but I've had a really great time here. Even if it was hot all the time. Even if the boys can be morons. Even if Mr. Sir is here._

_Today we had sandwich eating races and guess who won?_

_Yup._ _Armpit._

_His prize was a green balloon, a party hat and three shower tokens. Oh, and a half-melted toffee._

_Afterwards, we had sword fights with our funky plastic sporks that were given with our lunch for some very odd reason. We always play games and do fun activities at lunch because that's when the boys take their break from digging their no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-holes. (Psst - I stole that line from Caveman!) I learnt that they used to not do anything at lunch, 'cept eat. In fact, they weren't even very close friends back then. But they said that when I came, they started growing closer and started having more fun._

_I find it insane. But touching. :)_

_Now, it's always the routine of: finish lunch quickly and play random games/have random competitions. For example, after our sword fights, we had a beauty competition and Zero won that. (His cute little locks of hair do wonders.) When that was over, our last thing was to have a bit of quiet time. We did "Triangle/Circle", and Magnet told us a story about a little boy who lost his puppy dog, and spent forever looking for him._

_Such a sad story._

_Caveman came up to me while everyone else was digging and I was sitting by Squid's hole making sarcastic comments about his shovel (it had a dent in the wood part), and told me he'd been having a lot more fun since I came here._

_It made me feel really strange..._

_Squid and I argued all day about his shovel. I said it was ugly and belonged to a therapy room for the "attractively challenged". He told me that looks weren't everything and that I belonged to the "vocally challenged". So then I yelled, "YOU ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED!" And everyone went, "OOOOOOOOH!" and Armpit ruined the moment by going, "Well my mum's cooking Continental." So of course, everyone had to go, "OOOOOOOOH!" again._

_So we compromised in the end that everyone was somewhatedly challenged, and we sang a few nursery rhymes. AND I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK HE IS SO ADORABLE._

_The end._

_So ANYWAY, it's been a good day. It's been a good time. It's been a "hawt" time. Literally._

_Hmmm, the boys wanna have an ice-cream eating competition again (oh, yay) so I better end this so I can at least pretend I might be able to beat Armpit! Fare thee well!_

_Sincerely,_

_Andii._

--

Day 23 - TAKE NOTE: _**DAY 23**_

I moaned and stretched comfortably on my airbed, dimly aware that outside, it was dark and probably nearing 4:30.

I comforted myself with the thought that I had only just gotten to sleep, meaning I had extra hours to rest my dear little head. Satisfied, I snuggled deeper into the cool blow-up pillow. My hand brushed on Clover and I just _knew_ I had knocked him off onto the floor.

Poor thing.

Ah, well... if I make myself wake up to pick him back up, I'll get so annoyed at myself.

Life in the morning.

All that matters is sleep.

Times flies when you're sleeping.

I've never heard that quote before, but it should totally be in the Guinness Book of Records. In the awe-inspiring quotes section.

"Andii, dear?"

It was the Warden woman. And she was calling me "dear". Which meant she wanted to tell me something that she thinks I won't like hearing.

Oh, why oh why so early in the morning?

"Mmmmmmm?" I tried to make myself coherent as I sat up. Still quite tired, my head swayed and fell back on my pillow.

Ahhhhhhh, this feels nice.

"Andii, please wake up and come to my cabin. I have something to tell you," the Warden woman said a bit too heartily, and I heard her walk off. TRANSLATION: "Get up you lazy brat and get your arse to my cabin so I can order you around."

Don't mind me. I'm not usually like this.

It's just the morning.

I am so not a morning person.

You couldn't tell, could ya? xD

Seven minutes later, I had pulled my jersey over my PJs and was dragging myself towards the Warden's cabin. I was mentally singing "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" as I ambled over lifelessly.

I knocked on the Warden woman's door. When she didn't open up for five seconds, I put my head against it and closed my eyes, hoping to sneak in a quick nap. I come up with brilliant ideas for my spare time, no?

I yelled and jumped back when the door was suddenly pulled open.

There stood the Warden woman, decked in a pretty silk dress with dainty slippers and diamonds on her many rings.

Actually, she was wearing a rugged ACDC T-shirt over lavender pyjama pants.

I think I like the non-existent silk dress better.

"Come in, come in, dear," she said smilingly, beckoning me in. Slightly scared, I took a step into her cabin and then went and sat on the sofa I had sat on the previous occasion, when the WW told me to COOK FOR CGL.

_Shudder_.

Still brings back terrible memories.

"You're probably wondering why I called you in here," the Warden woman started as she sat down opposite me. She paused for effect, "You have finished interviewing all seven boys of D-tent, am I correct?"

I nodded absently, admiring the pretty flowered wallpaper.

"Well, unless I am mistaken, after interviewing the boys you are supposed to start on working on your reports on the camp itself, Mr. Sir, me - " at this she gave a fake chuckle, " - and so on. I was thinking, since you've spent so long getting to know the boys individually, you could all take a day off. In my cabin. Play games. I'll order in pizza and take out some junk food, and you could all have a sort of party. I have Monopoly and Twister, and a deck of playing cards. It'll be fun."

My eyes lit up. The prospect of staying in her air-conditioned cabin hanging with D-tent was really _good_! Not only that, I also felt glad that the boys would be able to take a day off digging in the sun. It'll be so much fun for them.

"Sure!" I exclaimed, "That'll be awesome. Do they already know?"

"No, you can tell them at breakfast. I - err - had a bad encounter last time I went to talk to them. One of them - the pyromaniac - tried to set me on fire with a lighter."

"Really?" I pretended to look surprised at Zig's predictable act, "Uhh... I don't think he really _meant _to."

"Yes, well," the Warden woman gave a nervous chuckle, "I have a fear of fire..."

"Ooh..." I paused, "Does it hurt when you get set on fire?"

"Who knows, but I just fear the heat... I hate the heat."

Huh?

"Oh yes," I said as casually as I dared, "Who _does_ like the heat...?"

--

Since we were going to spend the entire day indoors, I threw on a pair of black shorts and a blue T-shirt, leaving my long brown hair out and sticking it in place with a white headband.

"AND SHE WILL BE LOVED!" I heard Squid roar, "SHE WILL BE LO-O-O-OVED!"

"Hey!" I greeted him. "You're losing your touch; you've already sung that before."

"I knew that," Squid looked at me. "You look nice."

"Why thank you," I tried sounding like my usual self, but he was making me nervous, "You ready to dig?"

"Yup."

"Well don't be!" I exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"I'll explain later. Just go eat your dear little breakfast and I'll promise to eat all my dinner tonight."

"Wow," Squid paused. "Is that even possible?"

I shook my head, and just as he walked off I yelled after him, "AND I KNOW YOU HAVE MY POST-ITS!" At this, Squid suddenly picked up his pace and almost ran to the Mess Hall.

--

"One seven," I lied, putting down a King.

"Cheat," Armpit said at once.

"NOOO!" I groaned, taking the whole pile.

" 'Lil girls aren't supposed to lie," Squid said teasingly.

"Well, sometimes 'lil girls have to," I said loftily, arranging my cards. I put down three Jacks.

They all looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You're supposed to tell us what you put down," X-Ray said as if talking to a very slow person.

"Oh, right! Three Queens," I said with a straight face.

"Cheat," Zigzag and Caveman said in unison.

Everyone groaned while I smiled sheepishly and took back my cards.

"Oh, c'mon chicka," Magnet complained, "You don't even have to cheat, and you still cheat."

"Whatever," I said with a sigh. I put down the three Jacks again, "Three - uh - fours."

"Cheat."

I took the cards back again.

"Dude, just don't cheat!" X-Ray exclaimed.

"Dude, just don't accuse me!" I mimicked him, and chucked the Jacks down again, "Three sixes!"

Since I chucked them, they kinda flipped over and revealed themselves.

"Oops," I smiled thinly and quickly snatched them back, "Sorry, sorry..."

Everyone groaned.

What are we doing? We're playing Cheat. It's a ton of fun, but I can't seem to be able to cheat without one of them knowing I'm cheating. It's so annoying. The best cheaters are Pit and X-Ray. The worst is... well, me.

In the end, I decided to play truthfully and the game continued. The best part was when everyone was sick of accusing each other of cheating, since that meant having to restart the pile.

"One seven."

"One seven."

"One eight."

"One nine."

"One eight."

"One eight."

"One seven."

"One six."

"One seven."

"One seven."

"One eight."

"Eight."

"Eight."

"Nine."

"Ten."

"Ten."

"Ten."

"Ten."

"Ten."

Oh yes, there are like six tens and six eights in a deck of cards. It was _so_ obvious someone was cheating, but no one could be bothered to accuse anyone, and you couldn't be sure anyway, because someone before may have cheated and maybe this time they were actually telling the truth.

We never finished the game because I gave up and chucked my cards in the pile, which made everyone throw the cards down too. We were lounging around the Warden's living room, and we turned on the television. We tried shooting gummi bears into Armpit's mouth, then we fought over what DVD to watch.

They wanted violence and blood and guts.

I wanted some lovely romance comedy.

I won, of course, 'cause I'm so great and all. Or maybe it's just the fact that I reached the DVD player first and shoved in my DVD before the boys could say, "puppet".

Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, the many insults boys can whirl at an innocent, unsuspecting chick flick in just ten minutes.

"Whoa, boring beginning."

"Everyone knows Paramount Pictures _suck_."

"Kate Winslet is _ug-a-lee_."

"Dude, that dude needs a nose job."

"No way man, if he had to fix one thing about himself, it would be his ears."

"What's wrong with his ears?"

"Can't you see? They, like, stick out a bit..."

"_Oooooooooh_, yeeeeaaaaaaahhhh."

I clenched my teeth and steeled myself against the horrible, horrible PAIN of watching a lovely girly movie with juvenile boys. BOYS! I need my girl friends. Take note of the _**girl**_.

Oh howdy doo dee, come over here Claudy-waudy... please?

"I need girls!" I shrieked out when Squid crossed the line of Insulting Hot Actors.

(whimpers) He said Chad Michael Murray would look better with his hair _shaved off_. Meaning BALD! Oh my goodness, Chad Michael Murray and _monk culture_ do not mix!

Silence proceeded my last statement.

"...you need girls?" repeated Zero in a whisper.

I nodded tearfully, "You guys - " I pointed a shaking finger at Them, "Are much too mean to be human..." Then it hit me.

They're animals in disguise.

Looking around quickly, I matched them up with their identities almost instantly.

Squid: gorilla. (Don't ask why.)

X-Ray: fish. (Ditto.)

Armpit: guinea pig... without the guinea. (Need I explain?)

Magnet: dog. (Well, he's certainly able to communicate with them.)

Zero: mouse/rabbit. (He nibbles on food, and he's so small and quiet.)

Caveman: turtle/elephant. (Slowly and steady wins the race... and also, he has a certain fondness for peanuts.)

Zigzag: giraffe. (Don't ask... even I dunno. Might be because of his tallness and neck, though.)

And then I realised something.

"Holy cow, I'm not in a correctional facility... I'm in a zoo."

"A zoo?" asked X-Ray politely.

"Moshi, moshi..." muttered Magnet, "I wish we _were_ in a zoo."

"Hey, 'lil gal? You have nice hair."

"I reckon, hey? It's like... so soft and shiny."

"What shampoo do you use?"

"It's conditioner, not shampoo, that makes the hair pretty."

"Yeah, but shampoo _cleanses_ the hair, which helps make it pretty. You can't have dirty hair that's pretty, can you?"

"But you can't have just plain clean hair. It wouldn't be pretty enough."

I was busy staring at Squid to realise that they (yet again) were about to debate about something really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really stupid.

And they are _so_ daft.

Everyone knows I use Pantene.

And anyhow - wait.

_Why_ am I still staring at Squid?

And why was I looking at him in the first place?

_Because, my stupid deranged child, you like -_

Oh, don't be outrageous. _Of course_ I don't have a crush on him.

_Actually, I was gonna say you like pudding. But this is much more interesting. So_...

Wait a minute, you're not eating pudding at the moment, are you?

_...Err..._

Wow, I didn't know consciences ate pudding.

_Whatever, we aren't talking about pudding!_

Are too. You're the one who brought up the subject.

_Did not._

Did too.

_Did not._

Did too.

_Nuh_ _uh._

Yuh uh.

_Nuh_ _uh._

Yuh uh.

_Oh, you're immature. Why don't you go and eat some -_

"Lunch!" the Warden woman said brightly, coming into the room with six boxes of pizza (_whoa_) and a small paper bag of garlic bread.

"Coke!" came Mr. Pendanski cheerfully, bouncing in with two huge bottles of Coke.

"Much needed stuffs!" Mr. Sir barked in an almost _happy_ way, walking in with plastic cups and plates, as well as napkins (serviettes, for all you fancy pants out there.)

Painful flashback of when I ate a napkin for lunch because mum forgot to pack my peanut butter-and-jam sandwich.

Though Claude was nice enough to give me her pears-in-raspberry jelly.

You know, those napkin bits may still be floating around somewhere in my stomach. Instinctively, I looked down at my stomach and imagined how cool it would be if I could see inside it.

...At any rate, I'm still glad I can't see through it.

The boys (their shampoo-and-conditioner argument forgotten) scrambled forward to dig into the pizza, which looked increasingly, incredibly and inevitably appetizing.

_**Not.**_

I'm pretty sure that piece of information was on that form all about me. Among the "_dislikes: bug spray, Paris Hilton, school, pizza_."

It was written bright and clear!

The Three Musketeers (Mr. Sir, Pendanski and the WW) left after they wished us a merry lunch, which gave me an idea. A wonderful one. It's a bit like Secret Santa, but it's called Angel, and you can play it whenever. Besides, there are no gifts involved.

You just have to be extra nice to this person without them knowing that you're being extra nice to them, which may lead you to having to be nice to _everyone_ so they don't know you have them.

I know that that just made absolutely no sense, but the pizza fumes are making me woozy.

...I think I'm about to faint, and Squid can catch me before I hit the floor.

How perfectly romantic.

I slapped myself.

(Mentally.)

How _silly_ of me to think of such a thing!

Wait… what is this new awakening? Rising… blossoming… in heart… warm… fuzzy? …Strange… but pleasant… desire to look at Squid… growing… _growing_…

I stole another glance at him.

_Okay, so what if he's cute?_

Totally! He's loud, insensitive and selfish, too!

_You are being too harsh. He may be loud, but you know he's not insensitive and selfish. ADMIT IT!_

Oh… KAY. Dang it.

Tch. I hate my conscience sometimes. But she's right. (The mongrel.) Squid… cares a lot about his friends. He sticks up for them. He took care of his mother, even though she didn't deserve it. And he carried me back to my tent when I fell into that hole.

Oh, no. Emotions teetering on dangerous waters… am falling closer to a revelation – must stop it – NOOO!

_Nonono._

I don't. Not in that way. Never. Cannot. Possible not. Eurgh. Why is combating this so hard? FIGHT, ANDII, FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

At any rate, he definitely does NOT feel that way. Whatever that way is. Heh.

And I just plain cannot.

He's... he's a delinquent! Lower-class - it would _degrade_ me. And... as much as I pretend I don't, I belong to the high-class people. I'm just another rich kid from Palmoilin "Diamondville". I can't change that. Can I?

_JUST EAT SOMETHING ALREADY!_

I walked over and took a bit of garlic bread while the boys swung their arms around each other, swaying side to side and loudly belting out some sort of obscure war cry.

Deciding to keep my mouth shut, I downed some coke and swallowed the tasty bread.

After lunch, we played Twister. (EVIL GRIN.)

"OW, OW, OW! THIS POSITION IS EXCEEDINGLY WRONG!" Armpit bellowed. I craned my neck and almost screamed aloud when I saw where he... was.

"Okay," Zero gave a snort of laughter when he saw Armpit and turned away, stuffing his fist into his mouth to stop himself from snickering, "Andii, right hand to blue."

"Nooo!" I groaned, figuring that this was move was quite literally impossible.

"C'mon 'lil girl," encouraged Squid, "You can do it!"

"Yeah, we believe in you."

"Have faith in yourself!"

I grinned at their random spasms of... encouragement, and shifted as I lifted my right hand -

THUD.

I screamed as I collapsed, pushing Magnet and Squid over and causing them to knock into Armpit. The room was filled with yells and shouts as everyone got tangled in a heap.

With me at the very bottom.

Being crushed by a couple of growing boys isn't that wonderful.

Did you know that?

I steeled myself against the pain, hoping that by the time I'm eighty-four I would've developed back my figure, which I lost at the tender age of fourteen when I turned into a pancake at a place called Camp Green Lake because I played Twister and some boys decided to fall on me.

No biggie.

"Holy moly, get off her you guys!" Zero exclaimed.

Finally, the Voice of Sanity.

One by one, the weight on me became considerably lighter and it was great when I saw light again. Groaning, I looked up at the ceiling.

Then Squid's face loomed over me.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Uhh...yeah?" I muttered, a bit confused, "I think... I think my brain's a lot slimmer."

"Well, fat brains aren't for everyone!" conceded Zigzag.

They all chuckled as I checked my ribs. Miraculously in tact. Squid grinned at me and offered his hand, which I took after a split second's hesitation. He pulled me up but suddenly let go, and I screamed as I swayed. At that last minute he caught me again.

Squid was laughing as I clung to him in sheer terror.

"Whoops," he said soberly. I gave him the Evil Eye. He raised an eyebrow back, "What's the matter, 'lil girl?"

"Don't do that again!" I ordered, elbowing him in the stomach. He gasped and doubled over, clutching his stomach. I smiled victoriously, "Serves you right!"

Squid didn't say anything; just moaned as he sunk to the floor, still holding his stomach.

I frowned at him, "Cut it out. I know you're just pretending."

"I'm not," Squid lamented pitifully, head still bent down. "I'm winded for life..."

Oh, no. What if I _had_ mortally wounded him?

"Really?" I said tentatively, crouching down slightly to look at him. "...Squid? I'm serious, are you okay?" Biting my lip, I stood up and held out my hand. "If you take my hand that means you forgive me."

Apologising without saying sorry. I rule!

Squid lifted his head and reached out for my hand. But instead of pulling himself up, he yanked me down so that I shrieked and fell into his lap.

"Ugh, you!" I complained, shoving him away while my cheeks fought valiantly against rushing blood cells.

He laughed again, his hands wrapping around my waist and his chin resting on my shoulder. "As if you could hurt me, 'lil girl," he said passively. "I'm made of iron."

Inwardly, I told my heart to slow down despite the calming, peaceful feeling that washed over me at his embrace. I turned my head so that our noses were inches apart and scoffed, "Oh really?"

A grin crossed his face and he bumped his forehead against mine. "Really," he said solemnly. I couldn't help smiling back at him. It was such a Kodak moment...

"Oi, you two lovebirds, you gonna play or what?"

...ruined by the fabulous Magnet.

Blushing, I stood up, offered my hand to Squid, which he took with equal shyness and pulled himself up.

During our first game of Monopoly (starting only when they stopped fighting over who got to be the shoe and who got to be the iron), the boys passed around a bottle of ginger beer and emptied it before starting another one. I was itching to ask why they didn't just all get their _own_ bottle, but then guys don't seem to mind passing around their saliva and germs. Must be a mark of their comradeship. If you exchange spit, then you're tight!

Yeah.

_Boys._

After Magnet had been in jail five times and Zero was slowly bankrupting us, Squid made a mad dash for the restroom and the rest of us waited for him, stretching and chit-chatting and plotting against the tyrannical Zero.

Then all of a sudden, the D-tent guys were silent. They turned to me with serious looks on their faces. Since this sort of thing happened, like, _never_, I felt a little concerned.

"What?" I asked. "Let me guess - broccoli on my teeth, or a huge pimple?" Did I put on make-up like Samara again and forget?

" 'Lil girl, we have some very important questions to ask you," X-Ray said calmly.

Suddenly I felt very, very scared.

--

A/N: Forgive me with the bagging out of Paramount Pictures and Kate Winslet. I have nothing against them. I don't even know who Kate Winslet is. Her name was the first to come up to my mind. As for Paris Hilton, I remain disdainful of her. And pizza? It's okay... I guess.

I can't exactly remember how you play Twister, so forgive me if I did something wrong.

Okay, next chapter will be from Squiddy's POV. :) Hehe. And don't worry, I have the ending all planned out... so yup! Yay, end of school! (cheers) But I'm gonna be in year nine next year! How... SCARY! Anywho, I probably won't update 'till next year (haha, got you there! It's not that far away!) so MERRY, MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! - msq.


	20. Love Among The Granny Panties

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

_A TRIBUTE TO THOSE SUFFERING FROM THE TSUNAMI DISASTER._

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twenty ll Love Among The Granny Panties (& Squid's Bladder Problem)**

----------

**SQUID'S POV.**

There's nothing better than relieving yourself.

That's going to be the first line of my autobiography: _Magical Me._

Haha, what a lame name.

No one in their right mind would title their autobiography _Magical Me_.

Excuse me while I have my moment spout of laughter.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't get why some people find it gross when you shout gaily, "Just off to go urinate!". It's nature. If you didn't go urinate every, say, once a week, you could cause your ribs some serious damage!

Or is it your kidneys?

Meh.

I skipped merrily out of the Warden's pretty bathroom, stopped when I realised I hadn't washed my hands, wheeled around, skipped back in, turned on the tap, belted the words to "I'm walking on sunshine" loudly as I soaped up my hands and washed them vigorously, then wiped my hands and skipped back out.

A great adventure, 'twas.

I wandered down the shiny wooden hallway, peeking into the rooms. From what I saw, I figured there were two bedrooms and a bathroom (by way of the hallway), which then led off to the main living room, which then had a doorway to the kitchen. (As well as the front door to the OUTSIDE.)

I was about to walk into the living room when suddenly Caveman leapt like a cranked-up reindeer and landed heavily right in front of me.

"DON'T GO NO FURTHER!" he shouted, jumping from one foot to the other while waving his hands to push me away, "DANGER'S AHEAD!"

I screamed.

Like, literally screamed.

"Holy heck," Caveman squinted at me and covered his ears, "...How'd you reach that note? Were you a _soprano_ in the choir or something?"

"I'm not here to give you music lessons," I said haughtily, trying to push past him. Then I paused, "How much you willing to pay?"

"I'll convince Andii to ask you out," Caveman grinned in this evil way.

Argh. Woe to me to release the pithy knowledge that I am, currently, crushing on that girl.

THAT GIRL.

_That girl was a one time teenage drama queen! A hot tough everyday wannabe! Something, something, something, something_ - sorry. Had to burst into my singing. I have a wonderful voice.

And I hate Lindsay Lohan.

But we aren't talking about her. We are talking about -

What _were_ we talking about?

Oh yeah.

Let me repeat.

_Argh. Woe to me to release the pithy knowledge that I am, currently, crushing on that girl..._

Grah. I didn't tell anyone. In fact, I didn't even _know_. Until they decided to lock her with that guy in that tent which makes me above all THAT angry.

Curse you, fate.

"Caveman," I said slowly, drawing out my non-existent London accent, "What makes you think she'll listen to you?"

_You're such a rehab, everyone knows Caveman and Zero are the only ones from D-tent the 'lil girl actually takes seriously._

Oh, shush.

"Squid, you aren't stupid," Caveman looked at me and seemed to re-think the situation, "Well, at least I think you aren't. So anyway, turn around one-eighty degrees and start walking. C'mon, get to it."

He pushed me back.

"Huh?" I said, confused.

"I said, _danger's ahead_!" Caveman said irritably, "You can't go back into the living room! Not until I say so!"

"But - why?" I spluttered.

I, SquidDaBomb, was _spluttering_.

"Someone slap me."

"Um - ah - if you insist," said Caveman gleefully. His palm came in contact with my cheek.

_SLAP._

"Ow - thank you," I murmured, rubbing my probably reddening cheek, "So why can't I go in?"

"Because," Caveman rolled his eyes, "There's danger ahead. Argh. Which way to the john?"

I pointed to the direction I had just come from, and he said thanks and wandered off.

Great.

He hasn't told me whether or not I can enter the Dangerfied Living Room of Dangerous Dangers.

If I do enter it, and there _is_ danger, I could die. DIE! And people will be weeping at my funeral, laden down with assorted roses.

If I don't enter it, and there _isn't_ danger, I'll look like a fool and forever the seemingly nice Caveman will hold it as a grudge over my head till the day I die. And people will be weeping at my funeral, laden down with assorted roses.

Either way, life ends with different coloured roses.

Great.

Juuuuuuuust great.

Greatly diddly ate.

"...well, why would I tell you anyway?" I heard an exasperated yet embarrassed 'lil girl say.

"C'mon 'lil gal," X-Ray said sternly, "Just tell us whether or not you like him."

Him?

_Him_?

_HIM?_

WHO IS THIS _HIM?_

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I swear I was going to break down and start crying.

Thy shall die of a broken heart, and thy funeral shall accustom the company of assorted roses.

Yes, I do like roses.

"Ummm..." the 'lil girl was stalling.

She was _stalling_!

That had to be good, right?

My broken heart pieces were slowly coming together...

I was leaning against the wall, trying to eavesdrop with my very prominent ears. I felt like an undercover cop.

The name's Bond. Squid Bond.

_Wasn't he a spy - ?_

Oh, shush.

"...he's... look, I don't know!" the 'lil girl burst out. She seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

JUST SAY NO! YOUR HEART DOESN'T BELONG TO THIS RANDOM! At least I hope it doesn't.

_Sigh_. Why must I like the girl who doesn't know the difference between cabbage and lettuce?

"How could you not know?" asked a disbelieving Armpit.

"It's the chicka, what do you expect?" Magnet cracked.

Excellent point, really.

It was at that precise moment I realised I could see myself in the wall opposite me.

No, I'm not going crazy.

There was a mirror.

Now, there's something you should know about me. I'm kinda vain.

_You are the sexist, most dashing, handsome, gorgeous boy ever_, I told my reflection fondly.

Only _kinda_ vain.

_You know, some girls don't like vanity in boys. They think they're arrogant and they hate them for it._ _The 'lil girl seems to strike us as that sort of person._

What, you're telling me to throw away my vanity?

_No, just STOP KISSING THE MIRROR!_

I'm not kissing the mirror, who's telling you such fibs?

I edged away from the mirror, blowing a kiss at my reflection in the process. See ya later, daaaaaahhhling.

I was going to resume eavesdropping when an evil, sinister voice spoke in the back of my head.

_Just admire yourself, Squid. There's no sin in that, surely. Self-esteem prompting, that's what it is!_

Well... I _am_ quite handsome and my hair does need a bit of re-doing... I edged closer to the mirror.

Good grief, is that a grey hair?

_THE 'LIL GIRL WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!_ screamed another voice in my head, _STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF! YOU ARE SO SELF-CENTERED!_

"Shut up," I groaned, trying to maintain peace in my mind.

_You'd do anything for "her", right?_

I guess.

_Great. Get me some pudding._

Pudding? Didn't know minds ate pudding. I said I'd do anything for _her_, not you, Mr. "Squid-Thinks-He's-Too-Handsome-Even-Though-It's-The-Plain-Truth".

_You're evil and I'm going to slap you in a moment._

Yeah? Bring it on, _biatch_. I'm going to kiss my reflection and I don't give a _follicle_ what you say.

_DON'T YOU DARE! (SLAP!)_

Ow. That actually hurt. How'd you do that?

_Man, you are sad. You're talking to yourself. (Eats pudding.) I wouldn't be surprised if she hates you just because you're weird and eat pudding. I mean, you're weird and talk to yourself. GoodBYE. I am no longer your BRAIN._

_Hello, I am your brain's replacement._

What the heeby-jeebies?

I shrugged at the mass debate in my mind and continued my everyday pursuits, which includes checking myself in the mirror.

NOOO, I MUST NOT LOSE TO MY POMPOSITY, SELF-ADMIRATION, EGOTISM! I will fight you single handedly! I challenge thee to a duel, TO THE DEATH!

_I'm back as I'm out of pudding. I'm glad you're fighting your vanity. Just for that, you deserve another slap. (SLAP.)_

STOP THAT!

_You, my dog, are superlicious._

I'm delicious?

_Sorry, I meant supercilious_. _Means the same as vain and pompous._

I am not those things. I am modest and un-conceited.

I could _hear_ my mind snort.

_Yeah, right, you swellheaded, insolent, boastful, pampered parrot._

Okay, I had to admit defeat. But not just now. It's not fair when my brain has a stored thesaurus somewhere up there. It's not fair I can't access it even though I _am_ in control of my head and actions and stuff.

It's not fair my brain's smarter than me, the person who OWNS the brain.

YOU'RE MEAN! GO AWAY! I yelled at it.

I had a deadly struggle with it while I stomped around and made little squawking noises and tried to sneeze my organs out.

"ARGH!" I yelled as I tripped and stumbled, thus crashing into the living room where everyone but Caveman was. Oops, I forgot I was supposed to be eavesdropping on them.

They stopped talking to _gawk_, _ogle_ and _rubberneck_ at me.

Ah, the return of the thesaurus.

"Are... are you all right, Squid?" X-Ray asked, his eyes wide.

"I - uh," I coughed loudly and hoped that, maybe, this time, my brain had came out of my head, "Yeah, I'm fine."

_Except that you might have Fairy Tale Disease._

I do _not_ believe in that anymore.

"Where's Caveman?" X-Ray asked me, frowning. I noted the 'lil girl was blushing like a cute tomato, "He was supposed to not let you in here."

"Yeah, he said there was danger," I shrugged, "I didn't mean to come in, I tripped and fell." Like a great charming prince, I might add.

"Smart one," Magnet sniggered.

I angry-stared at him. (Again; the thesaurus.)

"Well, now that the whole questioning's over," Zig said brightly, and everyone glared at him, except for me as I was still maintaining a very sexy pose on the floor, "Let's play a game. Actually, it's a race. Like the three-legged race, but with an amazingly great twist!"

"And what's that?" Armpit asked bluntly.

"Ta-da!" Zigzag produced a huge, bloated, black garbage bag.

Caveman returned, "Hey everyone, what did I miss?"

"Lots, sit down," Zero said, yanking him onto the couch.

"Behold everyone... _this_!" Zig pulled open the bag and we all shrieked like girls.

"It's underwear!" the 'lil girl screamed, looking mortified.

"It's big, floppy, panties!" Magnet whooped with a gasp.

"They're _grandma undies_," gasped Caveman, looking utterly disturbed. I don't blame ya.

I blinked several times.

Everyone looked at the surprisingly proud Zigzag.

"What the heck are you playing at?" X-Ray finally asked.

"Hey, I told you, we're playing the three-legged race. We don't need to tie our legs together, though, 'cos we just have to fit one foot into one hole of the underwear, and the other person can put their foot in the other hole."

"It's... interesting," Caveman slowly said.

Armpit actually looked enthusiastic, "Then let's start!"

By some miracle, we were all convinced to have three-legged races with grandma panties. And they're worse than we all thought. They were HUMONGOUS! GREAT, BIG, MACHO, FLOPPY UNDIES! Flowery, too.

I'm not surprised if Zero or the 'lil girl are officially scarred for life.

The races were all right. At first, we were all "ewy-like", but then we started laughing and really getting into the game. Everyone started wanting to win and we actually competed properly. Andii and Armpit won overall, which is really shocking, cos he's like double the size of her.

We all demanded a rematch, saying they had cheated, but it was all just jokes. (I think I was becoming jealous of Armpit, actually.)

"Yeah, whatever," she said, grinning at us, "You're just jealous that we won! Haha!" she high-fived Armpit and the two cheered. We all laughed at them.

It had been a great day. Zig and I were still mucking around, having a tug-o-war with the underwear, and Caveman and Magnet were pretending to be superheroes as they ran around with underwear on their heads.

It was then it happened.

Andii and Armpit were both breathless from laughter as they hopped forward, bound together by the absolutely disturbing grandma underwear which I have yet to realise exactly _how_ Zig got a hold of an entire bag of them, when suddenly they fell forward.

Armpit fell flat on his face, but the 'lil girl who still managed to keep her balance stumbled forward some more. Her foot caught on the coffee table and she shrieked as she fell down, smashing the glass cabinet with her head.

Ouch.

This can't be good.

"Holy crap!" yelled X-Ray, looking panicked for once. He ran forward as the glass shattered.

Magnet said something highly lethal in Spanish and Zig's eyes were as round as the full moon.

I didn't know what to feel. I just stared as she collapsed onto the floor.

She was unconscious.

"Crap, she's bleeding!" Zig yelled.

Dear Lord, please let it not be true. I will give you my rubber octopus if you let her be all right.

PUH-LEEEAAASE!

I dared to glance down at her form, and realised little trickles of blood were surrounding her head.

I felt sick.

"Someone get the Warden," I heard myself croak. They all looked at me.

"Get her!" this time, I yelled. I felt so scared and insecure, like how I usually felt when I saw my mum puking all over the bathroom floor.

Magnet nodded at me and ran out of the cabin.

Armpit slowly got up, untangling himself.

"What happened? Oh, sh..." his voice tailed away as he stared at Andii, "Is she okay?"

No one answered his highly stupid question. I immediately ran forward and kneeled down. Slowly, I lifted her head so that she was facing me. The blood was coming from this huge scar on her face and her eyes were tightly shut.

I had no idea what to do.

I was trembling as I brushed away a few glass bits from her hair. The blood was trickling down into the palm of my hand.

The Warden burst into the cabin with Mum and Mr. Sir at that moment. Magnet was close behind, panting.

"Oh, merciful goodness," were her words before rushing towards me and Andii, "What happened? Squid, help me lift her up." Still trembling, I helped her carry Andii to the leather couch.

"Armpit, Zero, clean up the blood, please," she ordered, her voice shaking, "Caveman and Zigzag and X-Ray, start clearing up the glass. Magnet, you can stay still. Pendanski, you know what to do?"

"Yes, ma'am," Pendanski moved forward to Andii.

_What the crap?_

"Alan, please move," he said, as I was standing right in front of her.

"Don't worry, Squid. He's a doctor," the Warden told me, supposedly trying to reassure me.

"_What_?" I said, raising my eyebrows. There was no way I was going to believe that, "No! She needs a real doctor!"

"Alan, I _am_ a real doctor. Just undercover," he smiled calmly at me and I wanted to punch his face in. I didn't move out of the way. I crossed my arms and glared at him.

"I'm not letting you touch her."

"Squid, I know she means a lot to you, but if you want her to live then I suggest you let him check her over," the Warden snapped.

"C'mon, man," X-Ray told me in a low voice, taking my arm and dragging me out of the way.

I shut my eyes as I let X pull me away.

_He better not hurt her anymore, that stupid phony "doctor"._

The Warden watched for a moment, then she gave Mr. Sir a meaningful glance. He caught on right away.

"Alright, Lou. D-tent, get out of here now and come with me to the office," he ordered.

"Squid, you can stay," the Warden said quickly, just as I opened my mouth to protest, "Please, Squid, just sit."

D-tent looked at me and I nodded at them as they walked out.

_She better be okay..._

Pendanksi was cleaning up the blood on her face and he was smoothing some cream over the very long scar.

"Doesn't she need stitches?" I asked rather rudely when I saw him take out a bandage.

"Well," the Warden answered for him in something of a hurry, "For stitches we'd need to take her to hospital, which we'd like to avoid at all costs. Too much fuss, really. We'll see how the bandage goes, and if that fails, we'll call the hospital, okay?"

I just nodded mutely.

The "doctor" inspected her after covering up the scar on Andii's face.

"Oh, no," Pendanski moaned.

That was the last thing I wanted to hear.

"What?" the Warden and I said at the same time. I snapped, while she sounded really anxious.

"I think she has a broken ankle."

"You _think_?" I almost shouted, leaping to my feet.

"Squid," the Warden stood up as well, "Sit _down_."

I glared at her and she glared back.

Oooh, tough guy, _huh_?

Finally, I gave up and slumped back down. I put my head in my hands.

_If anything happens to her... I..._

My throat tightened and felt like it was going to explode.

I didn't realise how much she meant to me.

I knew I liked her... but...

This is just scary.

I lifted my head slowly and found my vision blurry. I looked at Andii. Her eyes were shut. She had that huge bandage on the left side of her cheek. There was blood on her shirt and some had dried in her hair.

"Yeah, it's definitely swollen," Pendanski was saying, inspecting her ankle.

I swallowed back a, "Then _do_ something about it, moron."

I watched as he bandaged up her ankle with the Warden assisting him. When they were finally done, I ventured to talk.

"When'll she wake up?" my mouth felt like it was coated with sand.

"I don't know, Alan," replied Pendanksi as he shut the first aid kit, then he turned to the Warden, "Lou, we can't move her so she'll have to stay immobilised for now."

"That's fine," the Warden said quickly, "She can stay in my cabin for the night." She looked out the window, "The sky's darkening, you better get to the kitchen to help set up for dinner. And tell your group they're not to venture to my cabin to see the girl."

I stared at her, wondering what she meant by that.

After Pendanski had walked out, the Warden turned to me and attempted to smile. I could see that she was clearly under a lot of pressure.

"Are you going to tell her family?" I asked her, folding my arms. I knew telling someone's parents, especially someone born into such a high-class family, would be extremely frightening.

"No, I don't want to worry them," she narrowed her eyes at me, as if expecting me to argue with her.

I didn't bother. I just sort of nodded and looked back at Andii.

"Squid, you should take a shower and go to dinner."

I shook my head at once, "I'm not leaving until she wakes up," I said stubbornly.

The Warden looked at me with piercing grey eyes. Sighing, she stood up and said, "All right, you may stay until she wakes up. But come and tell me when she does, all right? If you're hungry, there's food in the kitchen. Help yourself. I need to help out at the Mess Hall, excuse me." _Maybe she's not so bad after all._

She walked out of her cabin, closing the door after her.

I let out a deep breath when she was gone.

There were so many things I had dreamt of doing if I was ever shut up alone in the Warden's cabin.

But I felt no desire to do them at the moment. (Some of my "must do's" had been to try on some of her clothes. I always wondered what I'd look like if I went drag.)

I looked at the 'lil girl again.

Man, I just wanted her to wake up and start doing the chicken dance. Her face was all pale. Slowly, I took her hand. It was deathly cold.

My mind raced to conclusions.

I immediately leant forward and positioned my ear in front of her nose.

...Good, she's still breathing.

Now what can I do to pass the time?

I counted lizards and eventually drifted off to sleep. It seemed like I had only dozed off for a second when I jerked wide awake, as though I had done something highly offensive.

Does sleeping when you're supposed to be looking after a suffering girl count as offensive?

I hope not.

And then her brown eyes opened.

" 'Lil girl!" I exclaimed softly.

Andii struggled for a moment. She frowned at me and then moaned in pain.

"My cheek hurts," she whined.

Great, she definitely is back.

"You scratched it pretty bad," I said, weak with relief.

She bit her lip for a moment and put her head back down. Her eyes fluttered shut, "I feel so tired... and..."

"I better go get the Warden," I said loudly, standing up.

Her eyes instantly opened. To my utter amazement, she grabbed my hand weakly. Hers was still cold.

"Don't go," she whimpered.

_Huh?_

"What?" I said, barely able to believe my ears.

"Don't leave..." she whispered, her eyes fluttering shut again, "I don't want you to... please... stay..." her breathing was becoming heavier. I thought she was asleep again, but then she whispered painfully, "Don't leave me..."

Well, what was I supposed to do?

I couldn't very well just leave her here if she obviously doesn't want me to go. And I can just pretend that she never woke up, if the Warden even asks. (_Ha, score for me! She doesn't want me to leave! Yay! YAY! Hahaha. Haaaaaaaaa. Okay. Rant. Is. OVER._)

I tried tugging my hand out of her grasp, but she was holding on rather tightly.

It's not like I didn't _want_ to hold her hand, but I... I need to go... to... the bathroom.

"Hey, 'lil girl?" I said tentatively, trying to pull my hand away. She didn't reply.

She was in a deeeeeep, deeeeeeeeeeep slumber.

I thought for a moment as I tried to figure out what to do to make her release me.

If I tickle her, most likely she _will_ release me. However, the side-effects of this may include: lots of screaming/yelling, a string of substitute cuss words, mild violence.

And I didn't wanna disturb her from her deeeeeeep slumber.

I just need to go to the bathroom.

Is that so terrible?

If not, why won't she let go of my hand?

If she wakes up and finds a puddle of urine, it'll be all her fault.

Finally, I shut myself up and just sat there, staring at her. She's so pretty. You don't realise it at first, though. The first time I saw her she was just this short little girl with an innocent face and really fancy clothes. She was more plain at that time. Hazel eyes and brown hair.

Gaaaaaah, this is pure insanity.

Sometimes, I still can't believe I _like_ her. Actually _like_ her. Errrgh.

I cursed myself for turning into mush.

Mushity mush, but still _mush_. I hate mush. It's so mushy.

Aha! She's slowly releasing my hand. Gratefully, I slowly pulled it out of her grasp. Then I was about to run, squawking to the bathroom, when I took another good look at her.

Slowly, a wry smile spread across my face.

"Sweet dreams, Andii," I muttered as I bent down and kissed her swiftly on the cheek.

----------

A/N: AWWW! I love Squid, he's so sweet and insane...

(sigh) Isn't Holes such a brilliant book? I remember when I was at the tender age of ten, our librarian recommended it to us... But I thought the book cover looked too dull and decided not to read it. LOL. Then when I was at the tender age of eleven, my friend (Veggie!) told us to read it 'cause it was good. This was when the movie just came out, and she decided to read it again to refresh her memory before she went to see it. Since _so_ many people were talkin' about it, I decided to give it a shot.

It was an okay book. I loved how everything fitted together, but it wasn't one of my favourites.

THEN when I was at the tender age of twelve, my English teacher decided to study it. And we had to read it again. And then after the class had finished reading it, we watched the movie.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT AND DROVE MY FRIENDS INSANE BY TALKING ABOUT IT 24/7.

It's odd how I fell in love with the book _after_ watching the movie. Actually, I fell in love with Zero. Hehe... I guess I am pretty shallow. But after that, I started to appreciate the book a whole lot more.

Anywho, sorry about that outburst. Just taking time to reflect how much I love dear Holes. Ooh, it just occurred to me that I hardly put in credit, like bits I may have taken out of movies and songs that Squid sings. Yeah, that's because when I finish this story, there's going to a 'Credits Chapter' where I will credit everything that I do not own. Also, I'm going to add things that may have inspired parts or all of this story. So yeah. :)

Squid's vanity idea was taken from Mademosielle Maxwell's His Habit for Surprises. A _lovely_ story that you simply must read if you adore HP L/J humor/romance fics. So I completely disclaim that idea. (About the vainness and the whole do-rag.) THANKS JULZ. :) (_hands over Finding Neverland DVD even though she doesn't even own it_)

Please read "These Kids" (formerly Too Late Now) by me. I posted Magnet's father's chapter up, so please read and review. :) And vote! Lol. Thank you!

Anywho, Squid seemed more "normal" in the second half of the chapter. Well that's what happens when you're scared out of your mind and feel like being serious for once, lol. And I seriously need to go, because this chapter was way too long and I'm afraid this file's too big to load! AHH! THANKS FOR REVIEWING, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! (yay 338 reviews and NOT ONE SINGLE FLAME!) - msq.


	21. Stuffs And A Very Long Journal Entry

Disclaimer: MY SHAADOWWW'S THE ONLY ONE WHO WALKS BESIDE ME! MY SHALLOW HEART'S SOMETHING SOMETHING! AHHHH! Okay, sorry. xD I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twenty One ll Stuffs And A Very Long Journal Entry**

----------

**ANDII'S POV.**

OW-OW-OW!

PAIN!

PAIN! IN FACE! OUCH! ON CHEEK! OUCH!

I groaned as I shifted and immediately tensed up, silently screaming in my head.

_OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!_

Slight. _Pain_. In. **_Ankle_**.

For a moment I thought I was gonna gag. I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for the terrible wrenching feeling that you feel when you throw up, but when I waited for ten seconds and nothing happened, I blearily opened my eyes and saw someone in front of me.

_That's not Clover. I'm not in my tent. Ohmygiddyaunt, where am I? I've been kidnapped! SOMEONE HELP ME!_

I grabbed the sleeping person by the collar and yelled (croakily), "I've called the police, if you're smart, then you'll let me go!"

I winced horribly at the pain that swept through my body at my sudden movements, but kept a tough face to scare my kidnapper.

He opened his eyes, startled, and blinked at me. Then he slowly looked down at my hand which was gripping tightly onto his collar.

"You're the one holding on," he said hoarsely.

I looked at him for a few moments longer, and gently released him, "Squid? What... where am I?" I was so confuzzled.

AHHH, I'VE BEEN DRUGGED!

"You're in the Warden's cabin," he told me, yawning. He looked out the window, and blinked, "Man, it's already morning! The sun's up! Holy _chicken_, I can't remember the last time I woke up after sunrise."

While he ranted about what a wonderful experience this was, I slowly remembered the previous day's events. Being interrogated by X-Ray and the others... that weird grandma underwear race Zig proposed... me and Armpit winning, then tripping... me smashing my head...

And then I must've blacked out, because the next thing I know, Squid's hovering above me. I was so tired and I really had no clue what was going on, but I remember telling him not to leave.

Yeah, that's about it.

"...and there's light! Glorious light! I'm waking up _after_ the sun's come up! This is so - "

"Squid," I yawned, "Shut up."

Squid shut his big mouth up for a second and stared at me perplexedly. Then he started singing loudly, "There's always that one person that'll always have your heart, you'll never see it comin' 'cos you're blinded from the start!"

I picked up a cushion and chucked it at him, "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!"

The cushion didn't so much as muffle him, "KNOW THAT YOU'RE THAT ONE FOR ME, IT'S CLEAR FOR EVERYONE TO SEE - "

"What in heaven's name is going on here?" came a cross voice.

I looked up instantly (_OW_!) and winced as my neck made a painful cracking noise. The Warden woman had clearly just gotten up; her hair was a huge mess and her T-shirt was wrinkled and half-off her right shoulder.

Then her eyes widened, "Andii! How are you feeling, dear?"

"I - err - " I said, a bit distracted, "Oh, shut _up_, Squid."

The WW frowned and glanced at Squid, who instantly shut his mouth and smiled innocently at her.

"I'm in pain. It all kinda hurts," I finally answered. _It hurts like bruised mangoes, more like._

"Well, that's to be expected," the Warden woman told me motheringly, "After all, you _do_ have a rather large scratch, and Mr. Pendanski says your ankle's fractured - "

"It can't be," I blurted out, sitting up and shaking my ankle, "I've had a fractured ankle before and it hurts WAY MORE than this."

I winced painfully.

Both Squid and the WW looked at me pointedly.

"What?" I said irritably, "I said it's not a fractured ankle, not that it doesn't hurt! It's probably swollen or something."

"Well, can you stand up?"

I'm not paralysed, thank you.

I nodded indignantly and slowly slid my legs onto the ground. With a sharp intake of breath, I got to my feet and grinned triumphantly. I have smited the Ankle Pain, LOOK WHO'S THE BEST N -

I gave a little shriek as I toppled sideways onto the floor.

Laughing, Squid walked over and, by grabbing my arm, helped me back up.

"Well, you obviously can't," the Warden woman said a bit curtly, though she was smiling, "Andii, I think you should rest today and forget about - "

"No," I cut in bluntly, trying to steady myself by holding Squid's arm, "To tell you the truth, ma'am - " (Squid snorted in laughter again) " - I've been slacking off a bit and I need to get all the reports and stuff done..."

The Warden woman just _Looked_ at me, and I started fidgeting. Squid was still shaking in laughter, and when I stared at him Evil-Like, he mouthed, "You called her _ma'am_!"

"All right," she finally said in a snappish manner, "But Squid - " the Idiot stopped laughing and jerked up, " - you will accompany Andii and make sure she gets around all right. You will not have to dig any holes for the next couple of days." It looked like it was killing her to say this, but she tried to keep a straight face.

Squid gaped at her, "Not... dig... holes?" was all he could manage to say.

"Yes. Seeing as this young lady here can't get around by herself - "

"I _can_ get around by myself!" I said a bit angrily, letting go of Squid's arm and almost falling flat on my face again.

The WW rolled her eyes, "Don't try and hurt yourself, Andii. You obviously can't walk properly with that busted ankle, and Squid here is strong and handsome enough to hold you up."

It was my turn to snort in laughter.

"All right you two, everyone has already started digging - "

"Even D-tent?" Squid asked excitedly, though I had no idea why he was so hyped about D-tent-_cabin_ digging.

"Yes."

"Can we go visit them?" I asked, having finally stopped laughing.

The WW raised her eyebrows, "In your state...?"

"Could Mr. Pendanski drive us?" I pleaded.

"_Doctor_..." Squid snorted and started laughing again, and I raised my eyebrows at him.

Goodness, and he calls me insane.

"Alright, alright," the Warden woman gave in once again, "Hurry up though."

Grinning like Cheshire cats, we thanked her in unison (she looked kind of embarrassed but genuinely pleased) and hopped into the truck with Mr. Sir, as Mr. Pendanski was off frolicking elsewhere.

Squid was definitely on some sort of drug as he played an air guitar in the truck. He kept singing loudly and I hid my face and looked out of the window, hoping no one would ever find out about this.

The veins in Mr. Sir's head were popping out slightly, but he kept his mouth shut while Squid crooned, "MY SHADOOOOW'S THE ONLY ONE WHO WALKS BESIDE ME!"

For once, I felt sympathy towards the man who barks like a dog.

And I knew there was at least one thing we had in common.

_Our burning desire to strangle Squid._

Finally, the truck stopped and I saw the boys digging away merrily. We got off slightly far away from the digging site, and Squid helped me on his back. Mr. Sir rolled his eyes and muttered something about "sappiness" before slamming the truck door shut.

Squid started walking over to the boys as I held onto him tightly. If he drops me, I will do something _much _worse to him.

"HEY!" Caveman yelled joyfully, seeing us and waving wildly with his shovel.

"SHE'S ALIVE!" Zigzag screamed.

I had to grin as Squid put me down gently, still holding me by the shoulders so I wouldn't fall. The D-tent boys all discarded their shovels and holes and ran towards us, grinning.

I winced painfully when I was attacked with several hugs.

"Aww, how are you?"

"Man, that bandage is ugly!"

"You got blood in your hair and shirt!"

At this remark, I immediately released Zero who I was hugging at that moment, and looked down.

I screamed.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Oh, yuck! Blood! BLOOD!" I was a bit hysterical, to put it mildly.

"Have you showered, 'lil gal?" Armpit asked, as if it really mattered.

I shook my head.

The boys all suddenly backed away, going, "Ewww, gross," and, "To think I _hugged_ her!"

I rolled my eyes at them as they laughed and came forward again, patting me on the head and back.

"So you're really all right?" X-Ray asked, trying to sound cool and casual, "You gave us a pretty big scare when you smashed into the glass thing."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, smiling at the eager faces around me, "It's just my ankle. I can't stand on my own, or walk, or anything that shows that I am a very independent woman."

"Woman," snorted Zig, "You'll always be the 'lil girl to me."

"Little is right," joked Caveman, walking up next to me and measuring how much taller he was. I think everyone was a bit surprised when he was only just about a head taller.

I'M GROWING, I'M GROWING!

"Hey, the chicka's shot up a little!" proclaimed Magnet, looking awed.

"Bwahahahaha, when I'm all taller than you, I'll visit by your houses and use your swimming pools as... er..." I was a bit lost at what to say, and I lost my balance during my concentration and gripped harder onto Squid's arm to prevent myself from falling.

"So, you gonna dig?" X asked Squid, who looked like a mouse as he shook his head.

The boys all gave one, collective gasp.

I applauded, beaming.

"What are you clapping for?"

"Unity!" I exclaimed, still clapping but having to stop as I was starting to wobble again (stupid ruddy ankle), "You guys are becoming one! Together, you will unite and show that no one can smite you because you are _whole_."

"I swear, you could run for president one day."

"That's going a little too far."

"Yeah, we're all delighted the girlie's back, but d'yer think we could spare a mom' to GET SOME WATER!" Mr. LAMISC roared. (Warthog blood?)

The boys came back to themselves and looked disgruntled as they picked up their canteens and went over to the truck. Mr. Sir glowered at me and Squid as he filled X-Ray's canteen.

Honestly, what is that man's problem?

Is something lodged up his caboose somewhere?

Nevertheless, once he finished filling the canteens and telling lame jokes, he dropped me and Squid off at the compound before driving off to E-tent.

Once I went back in my tent and Squid went back to his cabin, I grabbed my bag and tipped it upside down. Lots of stuff fell out. I grabbed a piece of gum and crammed it in my mouth.

After I showered and got dressed, I hopped over to the D-tent cabin, where Squid was sitting on the steps, gazing at the sky.

He looked completely endearing.

_CLICK._

Squid shook his head and stared at me, "Man, could you get rid of that thing?"

"Nope," I put my camera away, "C'mon, I've been hopping all over the place and I'm tired."

"You sure you don't wanna just rest?" he asked me anxiously.

"Yup."

"Well... don't overwork yourself," Squid moved forward and did something unexpected.

He hugged me.

I was in shock for a moment, but then a smile crept over my face and I wrapped my arms around him. It felt... nice.

Squid released me and grinned sheepishly, "C'mon on, get on, you lazy princess." Rolling my eyes, I hopped onto his back and he started to carry me towards the Mess Hall.

**SEVEN MINUTES LATER.**

"So..." I drawled, looking around the empty Mess Hall and scribbling stuff on the form, "How's the cassette coming along?"

"It's pretty good," Squid replied, chewing on that blasted toothpick, "We've all recorded at least two entries."

"I look forward to hearing it," I said, knowing I was feeling nothing of that sort.

"Err - your fingers are crossed again," he said, snickering, "Anyway, I thought the AG dude was the one who listened to that tape thingy."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted me up and started piggy-backing me out of the Mess Hall as I replied, "Aha, that's what you think, but I'm going to have a sneak peek at it. See what you guys have said, and wipe it out if you don't... say anything _pleasant_ about moi."

Squid laughed, "You're going to have to hand the AG a blank tape, then."

I whacked him on the head and said in a dignified way, "I'm sure that the _intelligent_ ones, such as Zero and Caveman, will have _plenty_ of pleasantries about me!"

"Don't be too sure, 'lil girl."

I glared at the back of his head.

We spent all morning hanging around the Mess Hall, with me "inspecting" the place. I asked the kitchen helpers some questions, and that pretty much took a couple of hours as they talk in-creeeed-i-bly sl-oooow-ly.

And they also had no idea how to answer things properly.

Daft, those ones are.

By the time it was noon, I had written two pages of notes about the kitchen. It mostly contained stuff about how _obscure_ the food is, but I didn't use the word obscure. Of course not! Instead, I just said it didn't meet satisfactory standards.

That sounds sophisticated, yeah?

"No way," Squid said, his eyes crinkled up in distaste, "It sounds like you're some posh, prissy, dancing queen from... from somewhere."

"Yeah, and what kind of compliment is that, gay-clock?" I shot back.

"Gay-clock? What the heck, you queer-spoon!"

"Queer spoon? Well take this - " _hard poke_ " - you blubbering clownfish!"

_Gasp_. "You dare call me that? I will not take it, you ungrateful, little, disabled antelope!" _Grab journal. Bonk._

"OW! My beautiful hair! Oh, you imbecile, you've wrecked it!" _Snatch back journal. Thwack._

After that - erm - **hearty** argument, in which we both sprouted bruises, we had a very nice... lunch.

"FOOD FIGHT!" _Splat_.

"OH, BULLOCKS YOU!"

"Ah - ah - ARGH! You got peanut butter in my hair!"

"Serves you right, jerk-tin! ...AHHHH! JELLY! I HATE JELLY!"

"Bwahahahahaha, Squid wins yet again - oh, _witherwings_ - "

_Crash._

"_What in the name of all things holy is going on_?"

"Er..."

And, um, after lunch, Squid and I cleaned ourselves up a bit and made a truce that we would never_ ever_ start another food fight again. We had a bit of quiet time and sat on the porch of the Mess Hall, where I rounded up my _perfect_, neat, _perfect_, legible, _perfect_, rosy-cheeked work.

"Is... is it nice, in Palmoilin?"

I frowned slightly and looked up at Squid, whose eyes were glazed over and seemed distant. He stared straight ahead, and after a minute of staring at him with my eyebrows raised, he looked at me and gave me a weak smile.

"Sorry about that... I... it's just... don't worry."

I glanced back down at my notebook and said conversationally, "Yeah, it's a nice place. But extremely snobby. Everyone raised in that place has a rotten, spoilt personality, and it's kind of... it's kind of like a haven in which you're barred off from the real world."

Squid just nodded simply.

After a moment's awkward silence, I couldn't take it anymore.

"What's the matter?" I asked him finally.

He looked a bit startled, "Nothing."

"As if. Spit it out."

"Fine," Squid said defiantly, obviously not wanting to be defeated by me. He took a deep breath, "Sometimes... well... we, you know, me and the other guys... we talk about it."

"Talk about what?" I said curiously, chewing on my pen.

"What it'd be like if we had lived there."

That had me stumped, "Don't you guys all hate that place?"

"Yeah, but..." Squid looked at me and I looked back. There was something in his eyes that I had seen flashes of when we argued over something utterly pointless, or when we're by ourselves and talking. I had always seen it linger in the back of his eyes, but now it was right there, clear for everyone to see.

He blinked and looked away, and I felt a bit light-headed.

"Okay," Squid took another deep breath, "If we had all grown up there, none of us would be here. We'd have a good life. It's... it's a bit of a fantasy, I guess."

I was silent. For once. (Oh, the shock!)

"Ah, forget it," Squid said hastily, turning pink, "It was stupid of me to mention it. Just forg - "

"It's not a perfect place," I broke in, turning to him seriously.

"I... I knew that," he said a bit lamely.

"Well, good," I said, attempting to sound like my usual self, but failing to, "I mean, it's not as though drugs and all that sort of stuff doesn't wing its way in there. The place's polluted as well."

I didn't mean to say all that, but my stay at Camp Green Lake had made me see how different my home was to the rest of the world. Home. What used to be home was slowly becoming a place I sort of resented.

I'll never see Pal the way I used to.

Oh dear, Claude will slap me.

"What d'you mean?" Squid asked curiously, popping in a fresh toothpick.

"Tina."

"What?"

...Curses, now why did I say that?

I hadn't thought about her in ages. I guess I'd almost forgotten the incident. But all this talk about Pal being the most perfect place on Earth gave me this leaping feeling that I _had_ to prove them wrong. Palmoilin's not perfect and I might just murder the next person who says so.

" 'Lil girl?" Squid was trying to get my attention, as I had blanked out, "Who's Tina?"

Ahhhh well... the boys here have spilled out their pasts to me, I s'pose I could spare a piece of info for them too.

"She's my cousin," I said casually, staring at my notebook, "She's in New York at the moment."

"NYC?" Squid repeated, looking sceptical, "What's she doin' there?"

"She's been there for almost a year now."

"Oh, did she move out or something? Got tired of Palmoilin?" Squid grinned stupidly and I felt like hugging him right there and then, "How old is she?"

"Eighteen," I answered, after thinking a bit, "She's there for the top and best therapy in all of America. In all of the world, I guess. Her mum's hysterical about making sure she gets the best treatment."

"Oh," Squid's smile faltered a bit, "What's wrong with her?"

I sighed, "Her family was going down. It turned out her father was cheating money off of his clients and was basically a criminal. Her mum went ballistic, of course. She's a real money-grabbing, greedy _cow_, to put it nicely. Her parents split up."

Squid didn't say anything, and for once, I realised he was in my position and I was in the boys'. Usually, they were the ones pouring out their pasts to me, but this time, it's my turn to tell my story.

"My mum offered to take Tina in for the weekend while the divorce got straightened out and everything. Their house would have to be sold if Tina's father ever wanted to pay back the people he had stolen from," I sighed again and doodled in my notebook, "They agreed to the proposal.

"I'd always been close to Tina, despite her being so old. She was like an older sister. One night, my parents went out to dinner and it was just me, her and Claude."

"Who's Claude?" Squid interrupted, as though it really mattered.

"My best friend," I said dismissively, "Tina was supposed to entertain us, but she'd been depressed lately. Claude hates seeing anyone sad, so she suggested we went to the movies. We checked with my parents and they said it was fine."

"And?" Squid pressed on. It was then I realised we were sitting relatively close to each other and I could feel his shoulder against mine.

I bit my lip as I thought back to the night, "We saw her boyfriend at the cinemas with another girl... they were a bit cosy..."

"Ooh," Squid looked sad, "What a jerk."

"Yeah... there was this huge scene... ah, it was pretty cool. If I didn't know and hadn't been so worried about Tina, I would have kicked back to watch with some popcorn. But as it was, Claude and I were too busy trying to keep her from popping the Evil Chick's plastic surgery."

"Oh, man, you are so gross," Squid said, laughing.

"Look who's talking! Well, before I was rudely interrupted - "

"I interrupted politely!"

"There you go again! So aaaaanywaaaaaay, Tina just ran off... and Claude got all het up at Tina's now ex-boyfriend and told him he was one big fat b - "

"Do not cuss, 'lil girl."

I rolled my eyes, "And he got momentarily stunned that a little thirteen-year-old would say that. We couldn't find Tina afterwards, so we split. I had a cold and had a massive headache by then, so Claude said I should go back home to check, while she went to the restaurant my parents were at. It was all in walking distance, so it was fine."

Squid nodded and I realized I was trembling a bit. He looked down at my hand and seemed to notice the same thing. To my surprise, he wrapped his larger hand around my small one and squeezed it. I looked up at him shyly and he smiled at me.

_What is happening to me...?_

I gulped and ploughed on with my story, "I found Tina crying at home, in the kitchen. I comforted her a bit and she just said she was alright and everything. So I went to grab some painkillers for my headache. My mobile started ringing in the living room, and I went to pick it up. It was my mum. I told her that Tina was alright, and she said that's good but they were coming home with Claude, to play it safe."

"Then what happened?"

"I'm getting there," I said a tad bit impatiently, "After I hung up, Tina was gone. And so were the painkillers."

Squid's eyes widened. Usually, most people don't understand how serious it was when she had disappeared with the pills. But I guess someone like him would understand, especially with his mother and all...

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"I waited for my family and Claude to turn up. Then I told them what had happened. My dad immediately pushed me into the car with Claude, and my mum took my baby sister to the house to phone people. My dad, Claude and I drove around, looking for Tina."

"Was she alright?" Squid's voice was hoarse, and he looked really concerned.

I shook my head. Tears sprang into my eyes.

"We found her passed out on the streets. She had taken the pills with alcohol..." I gasped and wiped my eyes furiously, "I was so scared... I didn't know... we had no idea... she was all lifeless and everything. It was all my fault."

"It wasn't your fault," Squid said softly, and I looked at him tearily, "You did all you could. It was her choice to take the painkillers."

"But I shouldn't have let her out of my sight!" I gabbled, furiously blinking away tears, "I knew she was really upset, what with her father and her boyfriend and her crumbling family, and it's my fault she was able to walk off in that state. And... and I just left the pills lying there on the counter! I'm so stupid!"

" 'Lil girl - "

"She could have _died_!" I yelled.

My words cut through the air like a knife.

He looked at me intensely and that just made me tear up even more.

"She _hates_ New York. She _hates_ therapy. And she doesn't want to live with her mother, she wants to live her father!" I was standing up, screaming at no one in particular, "And it's all my fault where she is today!" I took a deep breath, then burst into fresh tears.

I've become absolutely hysterical.

Squid stood up and grabbed my hands, and without thinking, I buried my face in his chest and started crying.

I cried for Tina.

I cried for all those who suffered like she did.

I cried because I miss my family.

But most of all, I cried because one day I'll have to leave Camp Green Lake, and I don't ever want to.

---

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

17th of August. (Day 27)

_Mood: mellow_  
_Time: 8:54pm_

_Joyous times at Camp Green Lake. Forgive me for not recording an entry sooner._

_Well, it's rather hard to write when you get run over a truck, right?_

_...So I didn't get run over by a truck, but Mr. Pendanski almost did. I was wearing a desert-print shirt and, apparently, I looked like part of the scenery. Which didn't make much sense as I was standing in front of a grey-brown building. Orange would stand out, wouldn't it? I suppose he just wants to run me over. My very best friend has turned against me. It was bound to happen some day..._

--

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you - "

"Um - "

" - whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here _waiting_ for yoooooouuuu!"

"You might wanna move out of the way, 'lil girl."

"Why?"

"Pendanksi's not stopping any time soon."

"HOLY CRAP!"

**HOOOONK. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK.**

--

_...Anywho, I had a traumatic experience (other than the truck situation) that has resulted in a long scar on my face. A scar. On my face. You'd think I'd be happy that I might look like Harry Potter's great grandfather or something, but I'm not._

_I don't wanna go in detail. I might break down and smudge this page. xD But anyway, I've finished interviewing all the boys, and the day afterward we had this fun and games kind of day in the WW's cabin._

_Then I turned into Harry Potter's great aunt._

_'Nuff said._

_I woke up the next day in the cabin and had a bit of a freak out. Squid was also there with me, and I thought he was a kidnapper at first. So yeah. Then the Warden woman came in and let Squid not dig holes for the next couple of days so he can help me around while I do the reports on this lovely kentucky-fried camp. Oh yeah, apart from the scar I inherited, I've also got a SWOLLEN ANKLE. Unfortunately that means I can't walk on my own, so Squid gives me piggy-backs and just generally helps me around._

_It's actually kinda nice. It's been like this for the past 3 days. Just getting carried around while I feel important and write important stuff in my important notebook. I might have to eat an entire pizza before I admit it to him, but Squid's kinda growing on me. We're getting closer, while we talk and fight. On my first day of "interviewing" the kitchens, we had this major food fight. And then we had this really serious talk, where I even started crying about Tina. 'Twas quite scary, to be honest._

_Hmm... so what else has happened? _

_I really miss the other D-tent guys, whom I don't see much of. Well, at breakfast (yes, I bother to get up at 4:30 to see them - they should feel honoured), then sometimes after their showers, and then at dinner. But I'm too busy writing up reports (the actual ones) that I don't have time to sit and chat endlessly about nothing in particular._

_Speaking of showers (though I mentioned that a couple of lines ago), I got completely soaked one dear afternoon. I was just outside the shower stalls, inspecting the dodgy building, when..._

_--_

"What a very odd building," I said, blinking several times and making mental notes in my head. I jumped back a little when I heard a scratchy, strained, terrible voice croon.

"I'm walking on sunshine, WA-HA! And don't it feel good! Ooooh yeah!"

Combine that with the constant pitter-patter of water, and it was HEE-LARIOUS.

I burst out laughing like a newly-escaped mental-institute patient.

And then...

**BOOM!**

I blinked several times again as several boys showering yelped (and I started to giggle as I remembered the singing) and then an explosion of water roared over the tops of the stalls and crashed right onto me.

Yep, me.

Just imagine a brunette standing in the middle of the desert, dripping wet, clutching onto a sodden notebook, and looking like a complete buffoon.

I must add that to my autobiography.

"Hooooooooooooooooly macaroooooooni!" I heard the same sunshine-singing-boy scream (HAHAHA!), "The-thingy-exploded! The-shower-water-tap-thing-exploded-and-then-water-came-rushing-out-and-wowzers-wasn't-that-really-cool-let's-do-it-again!"

"I NEED WATER!" another boy screamed.

"AHH, I'M COVERED IN SOAP SUDS AND THE SHOWER STOPPED!" Zero was yelling.

Zero was _yelling_.

_Zero_ was _yelling_.

"Hey, I only had a two minute shower! No fair! I need to put this in the complaints box!" huffed yet another boy.

"I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING!" I shrieked for good measure.

" 'Lil girl?" Squid emerged from the shower stalls, half-dressed and his hair sopping wet. His towel was slung over his shoulder and he smirked, "Why're you all wet?"

Quivering, I pointed at the shower stalls, "Explosion tap thing."

"Ahhh, yeah. I heard 'bout that. Lucky I had already had my shower," Squid was still smirking as he covered me with his towel, "C'mon, you better dry off before you catch a cold."

Mr. Sir fought through the knot of (dry) boys that were cheering at the tap failure. I truly felt sorry for the boys still stuck in the stalls, naked and probably covered in soap.

"Dang them plumbers!" Mr. LAMISC began to yell obscenities, "They guaranteed a ten-year use!"

--

_...Squid just led me away back to my tent while I continued to snicker about the singing. Honestly, it was so funny! Haha, I'm still laughing now._

_**(The next two pages are then full of "HAHAHEHEHEHOHOS! We will skip over these to read the much more pointless entries.)**_

_Okay... I am much calmer now. Tee-hee. Umm... oh, yeah! I told Squid about Robert. I dunno why. I usually find it hard to talk about it and I slap Claude every time she laughingly mentions it, but I just told him. The stupid boy named after seafood._

_I am going to sue CGL for brainwashing me..._

--

"Hey... 'lil girl?"

"Ya?"

"Have you... ever been asked out before?"

"Dude, don't you reckon that's a bit personal?"

"Why has this conversation all ended in question marks?"

"They wouldn't if you had bad punctuation."

"You just ended it with a full stop."

"As did you."

"Right," Squid stared at the floor, "So?" he prompted expectantly.

I sighed and glared at him irritably for interrupting me from my IMPORTANT WORK, "Yes, Squid, I have. Happy?"

He suddenly looked rather murderous, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

"How... many times?" he managed to get out.

"Once."

He looked even more murderous, "_Only _once?"

"Yes, Squid, only once," I said patiently, deciding to humour him.

"Who was he?"

"His name's Robert, and he goes to my school."

"How'd he ask you?"

I sighed sadly, "He used a pick-up line."

Squid snorted in vengeful laughter, "Yeah? What was it? 'I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?' " Suddenly, he looked livid with anger as he said evilly, "He didn't say that, did he?"

I hoped very much that he'd die a painful death one day as I replied, "_No_. He asked me, and I quote, "Do you have balls?" "

Squid looked confronted for a moment. It seemed as though he was debating whether to march over to Pal and wring Robert by the neck, or start laughing and point at me, singing, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

Sadly, he began laughing.

Happily, I smacked him.

--

_...Robert asking me out has got to be one of the most humiliating things ever. I wanna forget about and stomp on it and toss it in the ocean to swim with the fishies, but I just told the boy who is the King of all Fish._

_What is wrong with me?_

_Anywho, I had other small chats with the D-tent boys. We managed to squeeze in a fun game of Red Light, Green Light. Zero came up to me today and said he misses me. It was so cute. Even X remarked that, "Ya know, it's kinda weird without the 'lil gal around, annoying the bajeebes outta you."_

_Dearie me, I'm tearing up now._

_As mentioned before, Squid and I are getting closer. My ankle's also healing very nicely. I can walk now, but I need to lean on someone. Squid's always there to help me around. It's cool. I've hugged him way too much though._

_He's got majorly nice hair, did I mention that?_

_And yes, I have, precisely, come to terms that I do like Squid in a MORETHANAFRIENDLYWAY, and that, of course, I will personally kill you if you mention this to anyone. You have been warned. That was a warning. As was that. _

_I am a girl._

_So farewell, you stupid spoon. (I didn't mean that.)_

_--Andii._

---

Day 28

Upon hearing that I could walk by myself and that I would be staying in my tent most of the day to write/type up _essays_, the Warden woman immediately seized Squid and choked him, screaming, "GO BACK TO DIGGING, _DIG_, FOR THE LOVE OF SHOVELS, JUST DIG!"

Okay, so maybe not that aggressively.

I ate breakfast with D-tent where they proceeded to gag me and put me under the table, for I was insulting some random rapper they all happen to adore.

Puh-_leez_.

"AKANTEAAF!" I tried to yell.

"_Quiet_, 'lil gal."

When they ungagged me, they told me to _never ever_ insult Chingy again.

What kinda name is _Chingy_?

I followed them out to the "Library" for my last goodbyes for the day. It was while we were out there when we heard some rather harsh things.

Armpit was teaching me how to dance with a shovel when we heard a black B-tenter snicker to another, "Heh, look at that chick... mentally challenged, that one is... heard she came from Diamondville."

"No kidding, that skanky little snob? Heh."

I ignored them and laughed over-heartily at a demented dance move Armpit showed me.

Squid and X-Ray had tensed up, and Zig was staring, wide-eyed, at the B-tenters.

"...white-trash hoe..."

"Yeah, why dunnit she go back to where she belong? Rich..."

Squid threw down his shovel and made his way over to them, but X and Magnet grabbed him back.

Armpit had stopped dancing and the veins in his temples were throbbing.

I sighed.

Boys are such little soldier figurines.

The seven D-tent boys looked expectantly at me while the B-tenters, still cawing in laughter, moved off.

I looked back at them and shrugged. I mouthed, "IGNORE THEM!" and moved swiftly towards them, "See y'all later, okay? Have fun digging."

"Alright, but be careful, chicka."

I smiled at them appreciatively before hugging each of them and waving them off, like a mother saying goodbye to her children on the first day of school. When they were gone, I hobbled back to my tent.

----------

A/N: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PEOPLE! Okay, okay! Hi hi! Haha. Back to school next week. (screams) I'M IN YR 9! (runs around in triangles) Okay... take deeeeep breath. Rightio! Haha. I'm terribly sorry, but I ripped off The O.C. in a most inhumane way. As you will know and have thrown delelicious tomatoes by now, the whole tale of Tina and the overdosing of pills and therapy and evil mother and criminal father is based entirely on MARISSA and the whole shemomble from the bestest show created by Josh Schwartz! So I disclaim the idea completely.

The end. (And the crowd goes wild)

AHHHHHHHHHH I'M TRYING TO WRESTLE CLOVER FROM MY LIL BRO! (Yes, I do actually have a stuffed cow called Clover. How I loveth him.)

Anyway, it's Australia Day tomorrow so you all have to be extra nice to me. Hehe, I'm just kidding. But thanks for the reviews, of course.

Now I'm gonna try and respond in just one sentence. Impossible? I think not...

I think 'moshi' means a mixture of, "yeah?" "hey!" "hello?" and the whole shebang; and yes, I do agree Squid is cute and how he reacts to Andii is positively adorable; I will scream and squeal with you!; hehe, Andii shall not die, she will never die, until she dies; the Squid/Andii relationship is very mild but plays an important part, so please don't expect too much; and yes, yay for Chinese New Year, cheap money shall wing its way to me, hahaha!; the Wicked Witch of the West is SO FREAKY: I COULD SMOTE HER!; yes, poor Andii indeed, would hate to be her but she gets to hug Zero so AISH; hehe, several people seemed to miss the **SQUID'S POV** in the last chap, so I forgive you; SQUID LOVES ANDII - HOW CUTE; yup, gotta love Holsey; Squid is indeed awesome, let us attack him with hugs; AND FINALLY, I HATE CHEESE!

YIPEE! Although that was probably lots of sentences as an exclamation mark marks the end of a sentence... pleh. :)

Let us play a game. It's called Tell A Random Story, here I go: Mum wanted to buy Japanese food, I stopped her and made her buy chicken instead. YUM. Now it's your go. :D

Byebye everyone, remember I love you all! - msq.

**PS**. Please read and review These Kids. PLEASE!


	22. Tis Sad, 'Tis Drama

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL **

**Chapter Twenty Two ll 'Tis Sad, 'Tis Drama **

----------

**Project Inspect Camp Green Lake - Journal**

18th of August. (Day 28)

_Mood: blah  
Time: 1:01pm _

_Um. So right. I'm trying to write normally, which is hard, because I've spent - say, I don't know - three hours writing intellectual reports. My wording and grammar is just brilliant. Lalala. Oh, well I better go now. I'm having lunch in the Warden's cabin with the television. Potato salad, here I come! _

_Mood: content  
Time: 2:30pm _

_Lunch was brilliant. Except for that sodding sausage; it went rolling onto the floor and got sauce all over the carpet. Aish. Must go type more for now. _

_Mood: accomplished  
Time: 3:24pm _

_Finished! Almost, anyway. Only a few more to go, but they'll be easy. You know, if Zig is right, and the Warden does have secret cameras in clever hidey-holes, she'd have been gaping at the monitor, which would have beheld ME raving and jiving ungracefully to the music coming from my headphones. Oh, and I would also be screaming enthusiastically, "And I said, are you gonna be my girl? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun! Big black boots, long brown hair, she's so sweet with her, get back stare!" _

_Can't spend all day typing essays, can I? _

_Mood: boredy bored  
Time: 3:56pm _

_Have given up for the day. Going to the Wreck Room to check if D-tent-cabin has finished yet. See you for now._

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Never knew spending time without Squid or the D-tent boys was so terribly... boring.

I slowly journeyed to the Wreck Room of Long Noses (hehe), and found a couple of the older, tougher and uglier boys from other tents already there, playing pool and yelling obscenities. (I love that word.) They glanced up briefly when I entered, but I ignored them and made a beeline for my favourite, stuffy couch.

Sighing, I plopped myself there and started counting how many times I heard a cuss word.

I was almost asleep (twenty-three words, and still counting!) when the Wreck Room door banged open and a group of laughing boys banged in a bangingful manner. I looked up hopefully, but was disappointed to see A-Tent Arseholes instead of my favourite D-tent Delinquents.

It probably isn't the best thing to doze off in the middle of a room full of criminal teenagers, but I'd grown accustomed to it. I mean, I haven't been harmed before (except for Mr. Flash-Happy, but let's forget about him) so yeah, it can't be _that_ dangerous.

Still, I should have just gone back to my tent. That way, maybe I wouldn't have suddenly woke up to a bunch of A-tent dudes crowded around me.

"Hey, chick."

"How's it jumpin'?"

I stared at them for a moment and said testily, "Err... good?"

They smirked at me.

I fidgeted for a moment. I slid my notebook under the curve of my arm protectively and tried to figure out how long I would have to sit here and stare at their ugly faces before politely making my leave.

"So, chick - " (urgh, _chick?_), "How'd yer be in'erested in me?" demanded one of the boys.

I didn't say anything because I was trying to understand him, then I stared at him with an open mouth.

"In'erested in _you_?" I repeated, kinda mimicking his accent.

I couldn't resist.

"Sure."

"Sure?" I repeated suavely.

"Yup, sure."

"You sure you wouldn't be _more_ interested in that sexy man over there?" I pointed at the same lanky Filo guy I had hid behind when we smashed Mr. Sir's office window with a tennis ball. Anyone remember?

Heads turned to his direction and Miztah Filo went a bit red. Whoa, maybe he _is_ queer.

Queer in the homosexual way, I mean.

Yeah.

Um. MOVING ON!

"Nope."

"Why not?" I challenged, "Too tall for you? Too handsome for you? Too _I-am-Filo-and-haha-you're-not_ for you? People have rights!"

"You know, I don't think you should be in'erested in a girl this stupid," one of smart-alec's friends remarked.

AHA, an escapay!

"Yeah, I'm not that bright," I said quickly, "If you're looking for bright, go on a date with a light bulb!"

I cracked up laughing at my brilliant joke, and didn't stop laughing for quite some time. Laughing Disorders, go figure.

"I don't care if she's stupid."

_Dang._

"Dang what?"

_Did I say that out loud?_

"Dang blood circulation! So do you mind not holding onto my arm so tightly? You're cutting off the flow of blood that my heart pumps at an amazing rate." This said politely.

"Well," the blonde released my arm and grinned at me, "Wanna meet somewhere more private?"

"Definitely..." I got to my feet, "NOT!" Giggling that I had thwarted the Apple-Bums, I ran towards the Wreck Room door to escapay from Long Noses and crashed into another long-nosed fellow at the doorway.

Actually, I had no idea if he was long-nosed or not; I was too busy making sure the Apple-Bums weren't staring at my behind so I didn't see.

I looked up and saw PINOCCHIO!

...Squid, for you party-poopers.

"Whoa, where's the fire?" Pit, who was behind Pinocchio (hehehe) piped up.

"Fire? What fire?" I asked, my eyes widening, "DID MY TENT CATCH FIRE? IS IT BURNING?" I screamed murder and tried to sprint out, but Pinocchio was still holding onto me.

"It's not on fire."

OH!

_Oh..._

Oh.

"Did they do something to you?" Zig wanted to know, looking beadily at the A-tenters who were still smiling sinisterly from OUR couch.

"What the - ?" I looked and saw the whole of Group D crowded in the doorway, "How'd you all get here?"

"What did they do?" Squid exclaimed at the same time, glaring at the blond Apple-Bum especially.

"Nothing!" I replied a bit quickly, "I just need to go - and - um... pee!" _And unscrew some light bulbs,_ I added in my head.

I thought I was home free until Squid and Magnet grabbed either of my arms and dragged me back, kicking and screaming.

"I swear, I'll be a good girl!" I wailed.

"Shut that trap for a moment." They dumped me on the much more hostile couch and started interrogating me.

"What they say to you?"

"Did they try anything stupid?"

"Were they bothering you?"

"What colour knickers are you wearing?"

All these I refused to answer, not until my lawyer arrived.

Dinner was same ol', same ol'. Eating races, further disgust at Armpit, table-talk, pickle-exchange, mixing food with water. Same ol', same ol'.

The Mess Hall was kinda quiet though, because the Warden woman was in here with us, looking at us critically. Except we didn't care, because I knew I had "authority" over her, and the boys knew that, and the Warden woman knew that, and good grief, even Charlie Brown knew that, so we acted naturally.

"What is _that_?" I wanted to know, pointing at a pile of sludge Squid had created.

He glared at me, "It's jelly."

"It's pickles and tomato sauce mixed with refried beans," I said slowly.

"Yeah," Squid said dismissively, "Strawberry jelly with a savoury yet pleasantly sour touch."

We all stared at him.

"Okay," Caveman broke the silence, "My turn."

We looked at his food creation.

"Merlin have mercy on us, is that the Eiffel Tower?"

"Good gravy, how'd you make it?"

Squid made a face while we all pondered over Caveman's sophisticated structure. After a couple of moments, I felt bad and told Squid his jelly _did_ look sort of appetising. His face lit up like fairly lights.

"Want to try some?" he asked happily.

"Erm," _curse me for being nice_, "Maybe... later, like next... year."

"Oh, goody."

For some reason, I burst out laughing at that.

The Mess Hall was emptying and we were pretty much the only ones left. The WW was standing stock-still at the kitchen, staring wide-eyed at some of the leftover dinner in the Hawt Pawt.

X-Ray was whispering to Pit and Zig and Magnet, while Squid, Zero and Caveman got me to limbo, chanting, "How low can you go, how low can you go, how funky is your chicken, how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose, how loose is your goose."

While I had my back half-twisted, I noticed X-Ray walking up to the Warden woman and talking to her.

Aha, this is the part where they yell, "SURPRISE!"

Y'know, for my birthday.

I never really did get a party.

Or even a cake.

A real, live, fluffy cake.

It seems less and less likely I'm going to get my surprise party, but I still have faith.

Squid glanced at Zig who nodded in this FBI-undercover-agent way, and Squid nodded back. He turned to me and blindfolded me, saying, "I'm going to spin you around for a while to distract you."

"Okay."

Wheee, I'm flying!

When I started feeling violently sick, I was about to yell stop when I realised that wouldn't help.

"Nada, nada, nada!"

"Whoa," I heard Magnet say, "Hey, stop spinning her - she's saying something in Spanish."

They took the blindfold off me and Squid held me by the shoulders.

"You were saying, chicka?"

"Nada."

Heh.

I looked around and realised that all the furniture in the Wreck Room had been pushed to the side, revealing a rather nice (but dusty) floorboard area, perfect for...

**Dancing.**

I felt like crying.

Where's my surprise party?

That was when I noticed a ratty, old-fashioned, chunky CD player on one of the end tables in the corner. The Warden woman grinned at me mysteriously as she quietly exited the Wreck Room.

"Hey!" I suddenly yelled, "You stole my CD collection!"

'Twas true. There was my stack of burnt CDs in their clear, colourful cases.

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," Magnet said sheepishly.

"What's happening?" I asked edgily.

"It's a little dance for us to enjoy," explained Zig, bouncing on the balls of his feet, "We're gonna have fun, fun, fun!"

My eyes went to X-Ray, who was standing by the CD player.

He grinned as he popped the CD into the player, "Enjoy," he said in a cocky yet smooth sort of way.

That boy never fails to amaze me.

Magnet and Zig cheered, Armpit mimed dancing with an invisible partner before grabbing a surprised Zero and swinging him around, and Caveman stood by Magnet and Zig, grinning.

Squid was looking around shyly.

I should probably be timid and blushing my butt off, but I could feel my Disco-Dancing-Spirit rising in me... oooh yeah, I had this jumping urge to start leaping around, boogy-ing.

"Stop it, man," Zero was laughing as Armpit twirled him around.

"Oho, no, little dude," Armpit said joyfully; he twirled Zero around again before letting him go, so he crashed into X-Ray, "CHANGE PARTNERS!" He then grabbed Magnet ("_Hijo de a_... man, are you all right?") and started to dance with him.

He looked around, still jiving around with a reluctant Magnet, "C'mon dudes, start dancin'! Lighten up!"

X-Ray looked affronted for a moment, then shrugged and smiled sheepishly as he grabbed Zero's hands ("Not you too!") and dancing silly-like with him.

Caveman and Zig were doing the macarena.

Squid glanced at me.

I couldn't take it no more.

"Come on!" I shouted gleefully, reaching out and grabbing his arm, "Let's dance!"

He looked all stiff and uncomfortable while I forced him to move. Then I sighed heavily, "_Squid_! Make it like we're having fun, at the very least, all right? Don't stand there like a statue, or I swear to jelly I will slap you!"

"_Fine_," he also sighed heavily, but then he smiled.

We jumped around, kicking up our heels and twirling around. The other D-tent boys were yammering around as they laughingly "attempted" to dance and Armpit constantly yelled, "CHANGE PARTNERS!"

Then we did the Hokey Pokey.

Whoot, I _love_ the Hokey Pokey.

"You put your right hand in, your right hand out, your right hand in and you shake it all about! You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn around, that's what it's all about! OOOOOOOOH, the Hokey Pokey!"

Bwahahaha, it was so much fun! I couldn't stop giggling, especially at X-Ray. Squid was also laughing and kept making friendly jabs at the other guys' dancing.

It's times like these I'm definitely gonna miss.

After that, we did some line-dancing.

"Ow, you kicked me!"

"I can't hold on - your hand's all sweaty!"

"Kick _left_, not right."

"Ooh, the nutbush, de na na!"

"Moooooshi, moooooooshi!"

"Stop SAYING THAT!"

After one progressive hour of dancing, we all collapsed onto the ground, breathless and panting. Only Armpit seemed to be full of energy.

"Aw, c'mon, keep it comin'!" he complained to the rest of us.

"Pit, entertain us," Zig called.

"Yeah, break dance for us!"

Armpit looked at us oddly and I started clapping, "YAAAAAAAY, for the Pitmeister!"

"The Pitmeister?"

"Shut up, it sounds cool."

Armpit started break dancing for us, and it was MAD. We all hollered and cheered and screamed as he did all these amazing things like spinning on his head. No offence to him, but I always thought you had to be fit and thin to be able to break dance.

Just goes to show!

After all the excitement, X-Ray put in one of my own CDs.

"Aww, ain't this so sweet of a music?" Zig simpered.

"It makes me wanna _so-o-oob_," Magnet burst into hysterical fake tears and started crying into his hands.

I glared at them.

A very slow, sweet, sad song had come on. You know, those kinda songs that make you feel all lovey-dovey; the song you hear in movies where the destined-to-be boy and girl share their first and sacred dance?

Squid was smiling slightly as he listened.

Armpit looked around expectantly.

"What?" Caveman finally asked edgily.

"DANCE!" Armpit barked. He started dancing like a gypsy, making me snort in laughter. Zig joined him shortly after, dragging Magnet and X with him, who clung onto Caveman, who clung onto Zero.

Squid looked at me pointedly.

"What?" I asked him.

"Come on," he said, grinning like a fool. He held out his hand to me, "Let us dance, Princess. You were up for it before."

"Dude," I said helplessly, glancing over at the other members of D-tent who were waltzing around like lame excuses of ballroom partners.

"Come _on_."

"You are so cheesy," I said, trying to hide my smile as I got to my feet. Squid smirked, "It's called romance, 'lil girl."

"What_ever_."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and I buried my face in his chest while I put my arms around his waist and slid them up so I was holding him by his back shoulders.

We moved in time with the music (which was pretty slow), and everything seemed to disperse. I couldn't hear Armpit shouting gleefully, or Zero laughing, or Magnet complaining. All that mattered was that I was holding onto Squid and he was holding onto me, and we swayed in a nice, peaceful silence.

You know, Squid's not a bad dancer.

Just like me to ruin the moment by thinking.

Hehe.

I felt really warm... and I know you generally feel warm when you're as close to someone as I am to Squid, but this felt like a different kind of warm... it was _inside_ me. And I wished it would stay in me forever.

"So, you like, Princess?" he murmured into my ear.

I bit back a smile, "It's still cheesy."

I could feel him smile into my hair.

It feels nice to have people smile in your hair, did you know that?

When the song ended, I broke away from Squid who grinned at me, and the rest of D-tent who had stopped waltzing without our noticing broke into a hearty, cheery applause.

And I just had to grin back.

Somehow, I had the feeling I threw my arms around his neck, stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek shyly.

Somehow, I had the feeling he blushed a brilliant red while D-tent cheered louder still and Magnet yelled, "Squid got _served_!"

---

Day 29

I HATE WRITING REPORTS!

I threw my notebook across my tent, hoping that it wouldn't backfire and knock the whole thing over.

Hello there, my name is Bored, and I am currently very Bored of writing Boring reports about Boring camps, which will then be Boringly handed to the Boring AG who will Bore other Boring people by telling them Boring facts about the ever-so-Boring CampBoringGreenLake. (All of this was said in a Bored voice.)

I sighed loudly and glared at the laptop the Warden woman had given me to type. I'm an excellent typer. But typing is Boring.

The time is almost noon. I've spent the day in my loverly orange tent, typing/writing up things that will Bore people to their very tedious, very melancholy, very _Boring_ deaths.

My excessive yet assorted ways of saying **BORED** tells you something, no?

Okay, I need to get a life.

A fun filled, wild, crazy life.

I was trying to see how many times I could type the 'bored' when I heard the Voice of Saviour outside of my tent.

"Hey, Andii?"

"CAVEMAN!" I yelled joyfully, almost knocking over the laptop in my relief, "HIHI!"

He grinned at me, though he looked more sunburnt than ever, "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm good!" I exclaimed, "And very... bored."

Caveman laughed, "Don't know what you're talking about, myself. I would much rather stay here - " he glanced around my fab tent, " - with that piece of electronic device - " he gaped at the laptop, " - than dig. And dig. Aaaaaaaand dig."

"This place sucks," I remarked.

He chuckled, "Gonna write that on your report?"

"Sure thing," I grinned, "So what brings you here?" I suddenly frowned, "Whoa man, it's way too early for you to have finishing digging."

"Yeah, I know," he said dismissively, "I found this really dirty and damaged jewel when I was digging, and the Warden's gone crazy about it. She's sent everyone digging my hole and I got the rest of the day off. _And_ a double shower."

I laughed. Meanwhile, I was reminiscing about last night and that little dance... it makes me wanna "awww". And I wanna do it again.

I ditched the reports and played Go Fish with Caveman for an hour straight. Amazing, that game is. We mucked around on the laptop but found boring games like Minesweeper and Hearts. We had a blast at Pinball but we stopped because we kept losing.

Afterwards, we trooped over to the Mess Hall and I sweet-talked to the kitchen helpers while Caveman grabbed some food from the cupboards. We fed on Frosted Flakes and potato chips and dry biscuits, but they all tasted pretty good to me.

UH OH.

Fifty-fifth sign of madness: enjoying Camp Green Lake's food.

What's more, we found rather ancient freebie stickers stuck at the back of the food cabinet. It's probably some poor kid's hiding spot, but the stickers are really ugly anyway. Caveman and I made fun of them because... we're just weird like that.

We were still laughing jerkily while sticking them on each other when we walked outside. There was a knot of boys gathered distantly at the library; almost everyone had finished digging.

The atmosphere was really tense. All of a sudden, Caveman and I stopped laughing.

"Something's happening," he said shortly, and we both quickened our pace.

We were still a couple of metres away from the group when I saw a boy lunge forward. In a flash, three guys had flung themselves onto him, punching and kicking.

My instincts told me my eyes widened and I gasped.

I ran over with Caveman and realised that a couple of the B-tent guys were holding X-Ray, Zig and Pit off. They weren't fighting; they were simply keeping them away from going somewhere.

"What are you doin'?" X-Ray yelled bad-temperedly, shoving one of the guys away.

"What's happening?" I heard Caveman ask Zero. My mind was buzzing as I pushed past some boys yelling, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

I saw Zero point at the people on the ground.

I stared.

Squid was getting beaten up by three boys that were a lot heavier than him.

I screamed, "STOP!" but nothing happened. Then someone grabbed my arm and hauled me back. I screamed again.

"Chicka, it's only me," Magnet replied softly, "Come back here, I don't think Squid'd want you to see this."

"Magnet!" I said desperately, "Why don't you go help him - why doesn't X do something - what - _he's getting hurt_!" I looked back and felt like throwing up. Violence is all wonderful and harmless on TV, but in real life, it's so much more scarier.

BAM.

I jumped. X-Ray had finally punched the guy trying to hold him off. He ran forward to Squid's aid. I started to run too, but Magnet held me back.

"CHICKA! _Stay here_, none of us want you to get hurt!"

I couldn't believe my ears, "I DON'T CARE! HE'S THE ONE GETTING HURT! IT'S THREE AGAINST ONE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, JUST KEEPING ME BACK? WHY AREN'T YOU STOPPING THE FIGHT?"

"Andii," it was Zero. He lightly touched my arm, "It'll be alright."

No, it won't be alright. Squid's going to badly hurt and I won't have any idea why and - _WHAT_ IS GOING ON?

I was so confused and all muddled up that I wanted to sit down and cry.

Some guys had grabbed X-Ray and pulled him away from Squid, leaving him defenseless once again. There was so much noise and hollering and yelling I couldn't think properly.

I saw a blonde B-tenter sink his fist into Squid's stomach, and that did it.

I tore out of Magnet's grip and screamed, "STOP IT ALREADY!"

Surprisingly, the blonde stopped punching the crumpled form of Squid and looked at me with an evil sneer.

"Stop?" he repeated, advancing towards me. He was getting closer.

Then several things happened at once. Magnet grabbed onto my arm again and dragged me back with such force that I almost fell; a cracking and threateningly loud gunshot sliced through the air; all the boys jumped and scattered; everyone stopped yelling and fighting.

---

"Believe me, they said some pretty awful crap about you," X-Ray said hoarsely.

I didn't say anything; I hadn't said much since stupid Mr. Sir broke up the stupid fight with that stupid gun of his. Hadn't uttered so much as a full sentence since they took a bloody and half-conscious form of Squid to the camp's little medical room. Hadn't really said a word since the Warden interrogated the B-tent and D-tent boys so thoroughly half of them even forgot what happened.

None of us had gone to dinner. None of us had done much after we told the Warden what happened. The B-tent guys trashed me. Squid fired up. Squid decided to punch one. Squid got beaten up. Squid's now on a helicopter flying to a hospital because his shoulders are fractured and he hasn't stopped bleeding.

Squid's an idiot.

We were sitting in their cabin, feeling as though someone died. Although that's probably what almost happened. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration. Whatever.

I'd never seen D-tent look so sad.

Me? I'm fine. Still a bit shocked, I guess. And still revelling on how much Squid's an _idiot _for doing what he did just for me. Can't he see I'm not worth it? I guess not. There's probably too much trash in that brain of his to realise. What a thickhead.

"You all right?" Caveman spoke up quietly.

"I'm fine," I intended to speak, but it came out as a quivering whisper.

They all looked at me in disbelief.

I didn't look at them. I couldn't. I was afraid that if I did, something awful would happen. Like the cabin would collapse and they'd all die. And it'd be my fault, because I looked at them and cursed them.

We sat in respectful silence for five minutes.

"I'm going to take a walk," Zig said in an odd voice, standing up, "And you're coming with, 'lil girl."

"Am not."

He grabbed my arm as he walked past and yanked me out of the cabin.

"OW! What are you doing?" I asked irritably, rubbing my arm as he started to walk out towards the vast wasteland. It was dark and kind of cool.

He didn't reply.

I rolled my eyes, called "Wait up!" and ran to catch up with him.

We walked in silence for what seemed like ten minutes. Finally, I snapped, "Zigzag, there better be a purpose to this."

"Sit," he commanded as if he hadn't heard me.

I sat.

Pause.

"Well?" I prompted, "What's all this about?"

"Doesn't it bother you?" Zig snapped at me.

Taken aback, I said slowly, "What does?"

"Squid. He's hurt, if you didn't realise, _Andii_."

I don't know why, but hearing him say that and hearing him call me by my real name really hurt. It stung badly.

"Of course it bothers me," I replied, trying to keep my voice level.

"Then why don't you show it instead of being all high and mighty like it doesn't affect you at all?"

"High and mighty?" I howled, "If you hadn't realised, Zigzag, I was trying to get those punks off of him while you all stood there like statues!"

"And did you ever stop to wonder why he did that for you? Hell, I've known Squid for ages and he doesn't defend people that easily."

I dropped my voice, "What are you talking about?"

Zigzag's voice was harsh as if I was a stupid child, "He _likes_ you, Andii. And half the time I don't think it's as simple as that. I don't even think _he_ knows just how close to his heart he holds you to. Except for us, you're the one he cares about the most. Can't you see?"

What. The.

"That's impossible, Zig," I said lightly, waiting for him to say "April Fool's!".

Zigzag stared at me long and hard. Finally, he whispered, "And you like him too."

Before I could say anything, he was ranting, "But you're too good to admit it. You're still in denial. You just think he's some fling that you can ignore, well you can't! What's wrong with him, huh? Are you too good for him?"

"No," I said instantly.

"But you think you are," Zigzag sounded smug, then he sounded serious, "Listen, you're a good person, 'lil girl. And we all love you like you're our sister, but underneath it all, you're just another Diamondville rich kid. You're still a snob, no matter how much you don't act like one, and you still think you're higher than all of us, like Squid's not good enough for you because his father ran out and he's got a drunken mother. Instead of realising how much that guy's got it in for you, you're going to disregard it and shoot for some - "

"Stop."

" - stuck-up jerk who'll be the president of the country and keep you happy with money - "

"STOP!" I screamed.

I was on my feet, breathing heavily. My body was shaking all over with anger and fear, because I _hated_ what he was saying. They were everything I had been trying _so_ hard not to become.

But in the end, I had.

And it struck a nerve.

Zigzag was studying me closely as I glared at him. He whispered, "Don't lie to yourself, 'lil girl."

My body was seething in anger, and my hand was trembling as I pointed at him. I was ready to let loose any foul thing I could think of, ready to scream any insult, ready to contradict and deny everything he had said.

But nothing happened.

I shut my mouth and opened it again.

Still breathing heavily, I looked up at Zigzag and into his eyes.

Suddenly, I remembered everything; the first night here and the fight with him, my interviews, all the fun and laughter I had had, little serious talks with Zero and Caveman, Squid...

_X. Zig. Pit. Squid. Magnet. Caveman. Zero. _

_Squid..._

I turned away and burst into tears.

I could tell Zig was surprised. I guess he hadn't been expecting it, but everything that had been bottled up inside of me was finally coming out. I couldn't take it anymore; I hated being a rich kid and a brat; I hated causing Squid and the others pain; I hated how people inherit millions of dollars for doing nothing while other kids are starving; I hated the whole world for being how it is.

Zigzag bear hugged me and said it was all right, that he was sorry for everything he had said, and that I really was nothing like a snob.

"But Zig, he could be so hurt and it'll be all my fault," I wailed, burying my face in his shoulder.

In truth, I just wanted to make sure Squid was all right by giving him a tight hug, and after that, I wouldn't let him go again.

Zig pulled me away and looked at me with a smile.

"He'll be fine, 'lil girl. He's got to come back for you, after all. And you two will be a lovely couple. A very lovely couple indeed. Can I be best man at your wedding? Oh, don't hold the ceremony outdoors. Aliens can broadcast that way, and you'd be on TV all over the universe. That means you'd be famous! Won't that be dandy?"

I half laughed and half cried.

That night, I said a quick prayer that Squid'll be all right, and stayed up half the night thinking about what Zigzag had said.

---

Day 30

I _hate_ cereal.

I detest its little delicate goldness and the way it soaks up the milky goodness when you drop it in your bowl and its little tender crunchiness which causes a rumble and then the whole building COLLAPSES!

And the spoon! Don't get me started about the spoon! _Look at it_, sitting there without a care in the world while showing off its metallic splendor to the whole hall, while we enslaved humans have to _pick it up, dip it in the bowl of CEREAL_, AND lift it to our mouths.

Well, I hope it rusts! Rusts so badly it gets all rusty!

GAH!

I hate it all! I hate cornflakes, I hate the spoons, I hate cutlery, I hate the dodgy benches, I hate B-tent.

I mean, I don't care that they had completely gotten away with their PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTIONATED VIOLENCE with just some harsh punishments that I don't know of, nor, of course, care about. I just hope the second-cousin-once-removed of spoons, knives, come hurtling in their direction.

You probably wonder how I can possibly be sitting here, reflecting on my intense hatred for Kellogg's cornflakes and certain monsters, while Squid's out in goodness-knows-where, probably in a second-hand, reject hospital, with needles and pipes sticking out of him and people hammering spoons into his organs because they couldn't afford razors.

Well, I get over things fairly quickly, but one thing I'm not gonna get over is CAMP GREEN LAKE and its unsafe safety regulations.

And while I'm at it -

"Maybe he's not in pain," Magnet said in a voice I had never heard him use before.

"C'mon Mag, who are you kidding?" Pit asked mournfully. He wasn't even eating his (must not fall into full rant) cereal.

_No..._ my throat seared as I looked at them, _No, guys, please... Don't be like this._

I could feel the tears threatening to spill and I quickly looked down while D-tent talked about their best buddy as if he was up in heaven. I blinked a few times and finally looked up.

Zero was swirling his soggy cereal dully, and staring unblinkingly. Caveman was sitting there pathetically, as if he had no purpose in life anymore. Seeing them like this was... I can't explain it. It's like my heart was breaking. I couldn't stand it.

It was then I realised I had grown to love them like they were my own family.

_Family._

Just thinking that made me tear up again. Unfortunately, X-Ray noticed and his expression softened. He laid a hand on my shoulder and said gently, "It's all right, 'lil gal. Squid's tough. He'll come back."

I couldn't find it in my heart to tell them it wasn't really Squid that I was getting all teary over, so I just smiled weakly and nodded.

Over on the other side, B-tent were laughing gaily, without a worry in the world. Tables around us were all chatting as per usual. It seemed impossible that these people could still eat and talk and laugh, when all _this_ was happening.

Breakfast was over too quickly and D-tent got up slowly to collect their shovels. I followed them out quietly; I wanted to be with them for as long as I could.

X-Ray drew me to the side and started talking quietly about Squid, and it was real sweet of him. I even managed to smile at the things he was saying, but that didn't last very long.

I started hearing what I'm guessing was the "awful crap" that provoked Squid. By the very same hateful morons.

I ignored it. I didn't care what they thought.

"...see how he fought? Like a bloody sissy..."

"Couldn't even stand up for his girl..."

"Nice hook jaw, Roller..."

"Thanks, it was easy... didn't even fight like a man..."

"Whatcha expect, what with the pop takin' off and his mum beatin' him 'round the head..."

X-Ray stared at me and said, " 'Lil gal? - "

I had stormed away and right up to the blonde one, who was laughing the most.

"YOU FOUL, HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING LITTLE WRETCH!" Hard shove in chest.

"What the hell?" he said in disgust, raising his eyebrows.

"Don't you ever talk about him like that again!" I hollered, my hand still raised threateningly.

"Who d'ya think you are?"

"Get her!"

Before I realised what was happening, I was yanked back by Zig and Magnet. X-Ray stood in front of me.

"Yo, you don't touch her, or you have us to answer to," he said calmly but in this really slick and cool way that made me shiver.

"Piss off, Ne - "

"You really want to finish that sentence?" Armpit asked, his veins in his temples throbbing.

Welcome, World War 3. Everyone was spectating.

"Go ta hell, Nig - "

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!" I screamed.

_SLAP._

My first real slap, and it wasn't even because he cheated on me.

"Holy cajoules," was all X-Ray could say.

The force made the blonde stumble back a little. Two of his friends backed him up while he clutched his reddening cheek, swearing his head off in ten different languages.

"Bring it on, brat," one of the boys with purple hair sneered at me, stepping in front of the blonde.

I lunged at him in my fury, but X yelled, "NO!" and grabbed me under the arms and hauled me back.

"Chicka!" gasped Magnet, "What the heck's gotten into you?" He and Caveman dragged me all the way back to the D-tent-cabin and started admiring me immensely.

"Good grief, that was brilliant!"

"Teach me how to slap like that one day!"

I tried to smile, but anger was still too hot in my mind.

In a couple of seconds, the rest of D-tent minus Squid came over.

" 'Lil gal, you are officially grounded."

I rolled my eyes.

"Still, that was some pretty hot stuff," Zig grinned.

"Yeah, man! You're becoming one of us!" Armpit also grinned.

"Oh, believe me. I _never_ want to be like you guys. He just deserved that because he's a crapped up b - "

"Right, well, if you don't want to be like us, then I suggest you stop the cussing," X-Ray cut in dryly though pride was evident in his voice, "C'mon 'lil gal. We'll see that you get back to your tent safely and then we've got to start digging."

---

All in all, the day wasn't that bad. A bit lonesome and sad, I suppose, but we can't get through our life without hard times to overcome, right?

That didn't mean I wasn't happy as pie when D-tent finished digging so I could hang out with them. Caveman gave me a piggy, but it wasn't the same as Squid's piggy-backs.

"Oh dearie dearie me, is that a cup of tea, does your dog have any fleas, just give it a good bee, and have a sack of keys - "

"Shut up Pit."

Utter. Silence.

It was abnormal, so I took up where Armpit left off and together we made up the best song in the universe.

There was about half an hour till dinner, and absolutely nothing to do. Zigzag refuses to watch television anymore, because the Warden woman fixed the aerial and now it actually works, but Zig says she completely ruined it.

"How'm I s'posed to watch with all the colour and the images flying about the screen?" he complained.

X-Ray and Armpit says they don't feel right playing pool without _him_ there with them. Magnet likes watching TV, but he says the shows are boring, so he gave up fighting over the remote with some other kid. Zero and Caveman have never really participated in any activities before, 'cept couch-sitting, which is what they resumed doing.

At dinner, B-tent table was empty. I heard they've been called into serious questioning by some important people. Heh. Hope they throw them into the ocean.

Erm... ignore that.

After dinner, I went straight to bed.

I walked into my tent and stopped short when I saw all these different-sized cardboard boxes strewn around, higgledy-piggledy like.

"What in the world is going on?" I wondered out loud.

"Oh, Andii!" the Warden woman called, and I almost jumped out of my skin, "I'm glad you're back from dinner early. You'll need to start your packing."

...Packing?

My confusion must've shown on my face, because she continued, "I've given you some boxes for you to pack your things, as I realise you will be taking more things home than what you brung, with your birthday gifts and all."

Then I realised.

_Going home._

I recovered rather quickly, "Oh, um, yeah. Thanks."

The WW beamed at me, "It's been wonderful having you here, Andii. I hope you got all the reports done?"

I just nodded.

"Excellent. One of the Attorney General's assistants will be arriving here tomorrow morning to drive you home. I'll see that D-tent will wave you off; they'll only be required to dig two-feet holes tomorrow. Andii, are you alright?"

I must've looked stupefied. I quickly nodded, "Yeah, fine. Just - err - surprised. I guess with everything going on, I hadn't realised..." I trailed off.

She gave me a sympathetic smile and patted me on the shoulder, "I wish you could stay as well."

I looked at her, surprised.

"But all things must come to an end, and I'm afraid you're going to have to start packing. Don't worry about Squid, I heard he's just fine and recovering nicely. If you like, I'll set the task of informing D-tent of your departure to you. I know you're very close to them, and that it'll be hard... But it's not really goodbye if you don't forget them, right?"

With one last smile, she walked out.

I was left in my tent, realising the Warden woman wasn't such a bad person after all.

---

Day 31

I woke up to find my tent half-empty and the feeling of belonging gone. It's just an empty, new, clean tent again. It's got no meaning. It's exactly how I came to it.

I had spent half the night packing my things up. I was surprised it didn't take two days.

As soon as I woke up, I rolled onto the floor and stayed there for ten minutes.

Sometimes, I really hate life.

After I had gotten dressed, the WW came in and told me to go to breakfast.

I wasn't thinking straight while she led me to the Mess Hall. It felt so... weird. Because I knew this was the last time I'd ever set foot in here, and it was just... weird. I had grown so used to randomly skipping, running, falling, jumping into this place that not doing it again would be almost unbearable.

"Dude, you look like you've been hit by a bus," Zig informed me when I sat down.

"Yeah, what's happened?"

I had no energy to say anything, so I just shook my head and pretended to be hungry. I knew they knew something was wrong, so they kept quiet. The silence wasn't normal and everyone began feeling edgy.

"So, what's on the agenda today, 'lil gal?" X-Ray asked uncomfortably, glancing around, "Any more slaps coming in anyone's way?"

They all looked up at me hopefully, wanting me to smile.

Sorry, guys.

I shook my head again.

"So you got all those little reports of yours done?" Armpit wanted to know.

I gave a tiny nod.

Zero suddenly frowned, "Hey Andii, how long did you say you were gonna stay for? When exactly are you leaving?"

Oh.

Aren't you just the best, Zero?

I took a deep breath and lifted my spoon to swirl the dregs around.

"Well?" Magnet said impatiently.

I mustered up all my courage and whispered, "Today."

"Ex_cuse_ me?" Caveman asked, in a brilliant imitation of the Warden woman.

"Today."

"Hey, I don't know what's wrong with you, but speak up!"

"TODAY!" I yelled.

The silence was loud.

"What d'ya mean, _today_?" X-Ray demanded.

"I think it's rather straightforward," Zigzag said knowledgably.

"But... you can't," Armpit squeaked.

I just shrugged and stared at the table.

"You can't leave, Andii," Caveman said in an unnaturally high voice.

I shrugged again.

"But - " Zero started in a wailing voice.

"I'm sorry, it's not like I want to leave!" I exclaimed hotly, slamming down my spoon, "But it's not up to me, all right? So why don't we just accept it? I'm leaving! Adios, sayanora. And I'm never gonna come back, or see you guys again, and we'll never talk, and it'll be like I was never here. Just deal with it, okay?"

Silence reigned.

"Fine, we'll deal with it," Zero said coolly.

I suddenly felt ashamed and wanted to apologise, but then I glanced around at their sad faces and grew angry again. It's not my fault I have to leave, so why are _they_ so down in the dumps? Don't they know it's going to be hard for me too?

_Stupid_ Mr. Pendanski chose that moment to trot up to me. He seemed perfectly chipper and oddly like how he had been when I first met this guy.

"Hi Andii! I guess you're leaving soon then, right? Well, I hope you wrote some nice things about me in your reports!" he beamed, seized my hand, and tried to rip it out of its socket. (He was shaking it.)

"Err... yeah," I couldn't even put on a smile, "See... you."

When he walked away, I turned back to the table. They were all silent and glaring at their cereal bowls.

_"Theodore, Zero! Meet Andromeda, she's the girl sent to inspect the camp!"_

I frowned.

_"WHOA! Who's the chick, Mum?" _

I don't know how long we remained like this. Just sitting at the table like pathetic lumps. The hall around us slowly started to empty. We were the only ones left, and no one had said anything since my outburst.

_"You think you're better than us, right? Just like all them snobs in Diamondville. All the same, them. Look down their nose at us just 'cause we don't wear pointy shoes and diamond studded underwear."_

Oh, yeah. I remember that stupid argument. What the heck's happening to me? My head's becoming a bloody movie trailer.

_"DON'T CUSS IN FRONT OF THE 'LIL GIRL!" _

Always trying to emphasize how little I am.

_"Look, man! I took Mr. Sir's credit card!"_

Magnet steals too much.

_"HEY, CHICK! CHECK THIS OUT!"_

Ugh, Mr. Flash-Happy.

_"They're watching our every move! They're using you as a spy! I knew it! I'd been receiving That Tingle about a week before you arrived! ARRGGHH!"_

Zigzag's way too paranoid.

_"What I think she's trying to say is that she's not going to sit on the dirt."_

Caveman's the smart one.

_"IT WAS TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY SENSE OF SMELL!"_

Zigzag again.

_"Oh... I lost Jaffy when I was younger."_

Sweet, little Zero.

Zero...

Caveman.

Magnet.

Armpit.

Zigzag.

X-Ray.

Squid.

_Squid. _

_"So we can prove smart-assy girls like you wrong when they say our fly's undone." _

_"Yeah, and I'm horny for Pendanski." _

_"You're pretty." _

_"Don't worry, princess, you didn't hurt me. You're much too weak."_

How am I... supposed to say goodbye to Squid if he's in hospital?

How am I supposed to leave without saying goodbye?

How am I supposed to leave at all?

How -

"Andii?"

"Yes?" I whispered, looking up at the Warden woman.

"They're here."

I thought that when I heard those words my eyes would fill with tears, that I'd start trembling, that my heart would sink down to my feet and that I wouldn't be able to say a single word.

But I remained completely calm and composed as I whispered, "Okay," and ascended to my feet.

The D-tent boys looked at me in a mixture of fear and disbelief.

"Are you boys coming out to say goodbye or what?" the Warden woman wanted to know.

Finally, Caveman nodded and slowly rose to his feet. The others followed suit. We moved gingerly outside the dark desert, where a dark blue jaguar was parked. The back door was opened and I could see my bags in the backseat, and two cardboard boxes in the passenger seat. In the trunk were my suitcase and the other boxes.

A young blonde lady was smiling in front of the car. She came forward and took my hand. Shaking it, she said friendly-like, "Hi Andromeda. I'm Hilary. I'll be taking you back to Palmoilin. So, you ready to go?"

I glanced back at the boys who were looking at me remorsefully.

I turned back to Hilary and managed to nod.

She looked suspicious as she moved towards the car and said, "But we're not in a hurry; why don't you go say goodbye first?"

Sighing, I slowly turned to the boys again. There they were, standing in a line. Dressed in those orange jumpsuits, wearing their hats and caps and bandannas. I had to smile slightly as I remembered Squid's tea towel.

"See you," I muttered more to the dirt than the guys. When five seconds had gone by and no one had said anything, I turned away with a heavy heart.

"Well, if it means anything," X-Ray murmured, and I whirled around, "We're going to miss you like hell, 'lil gal."

Immediately I broke into a weak smile and ran up to him. I hugged him tightly and closed my eyes. X-Ray sounded funny as he muttered, "Yeah, yeah, we're gonna miss you... well I sure am... just don't do nothin' bad, a'ight?"

I leant back and whispered, "I won't."

X-Ray gave me a faint smile and ruffled my hair, "There's a good gal."

I released him and hugged Armpit, who said he wasn't going to let me leave, and that he'd stop eating so much and would start showering twice a day if only I'd stay.

I laughed shakily as I leant back, so I could see him, "That's not the problem, Pit, but it'll be nice if you did start showering twice a day. But it isn't going to help my situation."

Armpit just nodded and gave a small smile, "Stay cool, 'lil gal."

Then it was Magnet's turn.

"It's been ages since I hugged a chicka properly; I could get used to it," he joked feebly, squeezing me.

"Once you get outta here, I'm sure you'll be a chick magnet," I assured him quietly, smiling, "A real ladies' man, right?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna have them all crazy about me," Magnet grinned but then it drooped, "But you'll always be my only 'lil chicka. Don't grow up too much."

"I'll try not to. And don't steal anymore, unless it's a Valentine's gift for your _mother_."

"Cross my heart," Magnet smiled meekly at me while he did the cross over his chest, and I grinned and hugged him again.

"Let go of her, I want a hug!" wailed Zig.

Laughing shakily, I went over to him. He pulled me into a tight bear hug, and just that notion made my chest heave dangerously. Afraid that tears would spill at any moment, I murmured, "Tell Squid I said goodbye, okay?"

Zigzag smiled when he let go of me, "Of course, 'lil girl. See you later!"

I looked at him oddly; although Zig was certainly stranger than the other boys, there was something about his goodbye to me that struck me as... _weird_. Why was he so... optimistic?

It's as if I'll be back again in no time.

Pushing the thought away, I went to say goodbye to Caveman and Zero.

It was one of the hardest moments in my life. We had a group hug and I swore I saw tears in Caveman's eyes. Just seeing them made me lose control. Almost. When it was time to finally let go of them for the last time, I stood back and looked at them all.

Hilary laid a hand on my shoulder, "I think it's time to leave now," she said gently.

My head moved a fraction of an inch up and down. Slowly, the D-tent boys brought up their hands and waved.

I climbed into the backseat while Hilary got into the driver seat and shut the door. I smiled sadly out the window and waved at the guys I was never going to forget.

They waved back, and the car started to drive away. Soon, they became little black pinpricks in the desert background, and Camp Green Lake grew smaller and smaller.

I leant back in my seat and stayed like that for a little while.

Then when ten minutes had gone by and Hilary had given up asking questions, I buried my face in the side of the car door just as my first tears began to fall.

_Look to the past,  
And remember and smile.  
And maybe tonight,  
I can breathe for awhile.  
I'm not in the scene,  
I think I'm fallin' asleep,  
But then all that it means is  
I'll always be dreaming of you. _

_Fate fell short this time.  
Your smile fades in the summer.  
Place your hand in mine,  
I'll leave when I wanna. _

_It's just so hard to say goodbye..._

----------

A/N: Why, it's been a long time. :) Hello to you all, I hope this chapter makes up for the long while it took me to update. Firstly, that chapter was really quite drama-tized. The ending was supposed to be sad, but it really didn't turn out that way. Lol. Anywho, secondly, a big HUG to everyone who has reviewed, and especially those who participated in my story-telling contest... though it wasn't much of a contest... and no one was going to win anything, so yeah... :)

You are in control of the song Andii and Squid dances to... I thought maybe She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, or something sweet and slow. But anything you like that you think would fit the category is just fine. The one I chose is called Kai Bu Liao Kou by Jay Chou, but that's an Asian song. :) The little song lyrical bit at the end of the chapter is Feeling This by Blink182, and the "just so hard to say goodbye" is from She Will Be Loved.

Thank you to those who emailed me. :) I'm sorry it's taking me an age to reply. I'm busy with boring things like school. And stupid things like friends-who-don't-get-over-people. And others who are just plain silly. Hehe, I feel like ICE CREAMERY!

Now here's a little shouty thingy... 264 DAYS TILL HARRY POTTER GOF COMES OUT! (Assuming it comes out on the 24th of Nov.) - dances like a fool -

Your turn to shout something out you're looking forward to! It can be anything! Even if it's like your enemy's death or something. XD I feel rather tired and worn out at the moment, so I'll leave it here and hope you review. :)

- msq; who has no muses but kidnaps Zero at regular intervals to hug. x)


	23. Insert A Name Here Please

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twenty Three ll Insert A Name Here Please**

----------

**The EX-Project Dis-Inspect Camp Green Lake - Un-Journal**

21st of August. (Day 31)

_MOOD: bang bang bang PLING  
TIME: 9:47AM_

Have decided to start writing in this stupid thing so I can use up the rest of the pages. There's about another eighty of them, so I have to write big. Car trip is boring. Have taken little naps and marvelled on how much I miss the boys. Now I don't really want to think about them anymore. I'm going home! I shall be happy.

I _am_ happy.

_10:00AM_

Three hours! Three hours, I tell you! And another six to go. I could sing. I could dance. I could light something on fire in a way that wouldn't remind you of Zigzag in the slightest.

_Must never think of D-tent._

They don't exist.

They were figments of my imagination.

Yes. I have imaginary friends. Do you have a problem with that? You _are_ only just a silly diary-journal-thing.

_10:21AM_

Never stick head out of window again.

Ever.

_10:33AM_

Hilary's done removing that appalling hairball from my hair. Who on earth invents those things? Hairballs, I mean. They just go bouncing across the desert land and inconveniently lodges itself in an innocent girl's ponytail when she sticks her head out of the car window to enjoy the breeze.

PAH. Bet you it was Einstein's idea. He's always thinking up of silly things.

_Hairballs._

I ask you.

_10:51AM_

Apologised to Hilary for disrupting her driving, though it really wasn't my fault there was a hairball in the middle of No Man's Land. She said it was fine. She talked about what an arse her boyfriend-of-two-years was being every time she mentioned the words "commitment" and "responsibility" and "I want to start a family _now_, you prat." Agreed with her that boys are stupid creatures and a waste of space. Later, repented for having said such mean things.

Am currently singing along to the radio.

_11:26AM_

Scenery is utmost fascinating. Dirt, dirt, sand, dust, sand, HAIRBALL, shrub, dirt, more dirt, fancy this - _more_ dirt, dust.

Asked Hilary how she could stand driving nine hours to CGL and another nine hours back.

"Let's just say I'm going on a shopping spree soon," she told me with a mysterious smile.

Did not understand.

_1:00PM_

Fell asleep. Had a nightmare that I forgot to pack Clover and left him at CGL.

...Oh my.

_2:05PM_

Note to self: never scream and yell at someone when they are driving. If this is forgotten, at least scream and yell in English. And talk at a normal rate.

Must also never start speaking in English with, "YOU'RE ABOUT TO HIT A KANGAROO, _STOP THE CAR_!"

_2:12PM_

Hilary's words of wisdom: "You'll just have to learn to deal with it, Andii. He's gone. Gone forever."

And nothing but a polite letter to the Warden woman and a couple of days of mailing the parcel can bring him back.

I'll deal with it.

I can handle this.

Goodbye, Clover...

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_2:29PM_

I can't believe I forgot to pack him. I know I've done some pretty awful things, but this is the worst. Well, probably not, but it's definitely down there with the bottom ten.

Siiiigh.

How Subject: Little Sister shall scold me.

_2:46PM_

Stopped for the eleventh time (not including my mishaps with The Hairball and the thing to do with that stuffed animal) to stop, revive, survive. Had a chat with Hilary (a lot easier to talk when she's not driving). Lovely person, she is. Excellent music taste.

Am back in car again, driving along. Singing to radio again.

"DON'T WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT!"

She has a good singing voice, you know.

_2:51PM_

Success! Haven't wrote a single thing about the boys for about five hours!

...There, I just ruined my record.

Musn't ever think of them.

Nor of that stuffed animal.

What was his name again?

I wouldn't know.

_3:15PM_

Hilary commented, "You seem a lot happier now. At first, I thought I'd be stuck driving a sad, boring, mopey teenager home for nine hours."

Replied with, "Well, hairballs do wonders to your mood." Even though I had cheered up _long_ before Einstein's creation came along.

Laughed. Said, "You're never going to get over that, are you?"

I guess not.

_3:47PM_

Am really looking forward to seeing Mum and Dad and Cecily and Claude and everyone again. I've missed them soooooooo very much.

Bad news: it's going to take a further hour and a half before I get home, making the entire trip a whole ELEVEN hours.

Insanity? I think so.

No wonder why road trips never work out and everyone dies in the end.

...Poor Hilary.

And her car!

Diddums.

_4:03PM_

Had another break. We're nearing civilization! I can see buildings up ahead, and there are much more trees and shrubs, and not as much dirt and dust. Hilary and I sat on the ground (we didn't care much about our clothes at that moment) and had cookies. They were absolutely _scrumptious._ They were just normal cookies but SHAPED AS TWEETY and had a THICK layer of CHOCOLATE and it had SPRINKLES and everything.

Mmmhmm.

Chocolate gives you this extremely high feeling, like you're floating on clouds.

Oooh, fancy that. Lighthouse Family's song "High" just came on the radio. I better stop now so I can sing with Hil, and also all this writing while the car's moving has made me a bit sick. Or is it the cookies? Aish.

_4:09PM_

_When you're close to tears remember,  
Someday, it'll all be over.  
Cause we are gonna be, forever, you and me.  
You'll always keep me flying high, in the sky,  
Of love._

That almost set me off in tears. I really miss Squid and all the other guys. Heck, I even miss Mr. Flash-Happy.

But I miss Squid the most.

_4:23PM_

Bad Andii, bad girl! Not supposed to think about them. Figments of imagination, and all that.

Do you want to get cured of your problem or not?

HMM?

That's what I thought.

_4:34PM_

I SEE BUILDINGS! I SEE ROADS! WE ARE _ON_ A ROAD! YAY!

We'll be in Palmoilin in just another couple of kilometres. How BRILLIANT is that?

YAY.

YAY.

...YAY!

_5:03PM_

We're here. In my driveway. :):)

I love my house. I'll probably write more tonight, if my hand doesn't cramp up.

_5:04PM_

Oh, and before I go flying into my home, I just have to say HILARY IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND DESERVES A GRAMMY.

Honestly, how come the bus driver that took me to CGL wasn't as... well, wasn't as Hilary-ish?

_5:56PM_

In my LOVELY-LAH room at the moment, kind of unpacking. Well, Subject: Little Sister is tearing apart my suitcase, in search of her "souvenir". Am desperately trying to think of what to pretend is her gift. Perhaps those horrible magnets I received on my birthday?

Look at that, the jumper she just chucked landed right in my laundry basket. How convenient.

Child labour?

AS IF!

More later.

_8:57PM_

Never stay away from family for more than a week.

May create a never-ending list of pointless and repeated questions that are the same but asked in different words.

...SIGH.

Might as well explain the rest of my day before I forget it all.

As soon as Hilary left, I walked into my house and was smacked in the head by Lisa - my inflatable, Starburst lollipop. No, Lisa did not suddenly come alive and happen to strike me at random - Subject: Little Sister (do not ask why I am calling her that) found it amusing to bop me on the head when I walked in.

I'm gone for a month and her greeting is to hit me?

And then demand for her souvenir?

What a sibling.

Field Marshall Father and Woman Who Gave Birth To Me came flying at me and tackled me to the floor, hugging me until I was all hugged out. Subject: Little Sister continued to hit me.

Questions came hurling at me.

_Question marks_ were approximately the words exiting the mouths of The Two People Who Are Married And Subject: Little Sister And I Share As Parents.

...I love these scientific names. :D

Anywho, after the _question marks_ paused for a second, I went upstairs to my room and Subject: Little Sister followed me and continued to demand for her souvenir. (She had already hugged me before. She is not that mean.)

The word that's opposite to before (_after_, you dolts) she finished destroying my suitcase, we went downstairs for dinner. (I found a _Felix: The Cat _pencil and gave it to her. - "Oh, _here's_ your souvenir!" - She loves it. Little kids. They'll take anything. Except maybe those magnets.) Dinner was nachos. I made the guacamole. Field Marshall Father wanted to know why the sour cream was green. Hit him with spatula.

The return of the dreaded _question marks_.

This went on for about two hours. Helped wash dishes and escaped to bathroom before they could come back. No such luck. Spent "quality family time" in living room with Those Three People I've Been Living With For The Past Thirteen Years.

More _question marks._

Oh how I flinched and cringed, but they showed no mercy.

Parents (scientific names are too long) kept hugging me and saying how much they missed me.

Must say, 'tis good to be back.

Very good. :)

Andii.

---

**THE NEXT MORNING.**

"You girls are in charge of breakfast today."

The most dreaded words in any household came to haunt me in the form of my loveable and slightly mental mother.

"Oh," was all I said. _Oh._ Well, it's just breakfast. It can't be that hard. A few eggs here, a few sausages there, add a couple of coffee beans and voila! Breakfast is served.

"In chaaaaaaaaaarge?" Cecily repeated, still in her Little Mermaid pyjamas.

Oh, who am I kidding. I may as well crawl into the pantry and die of loneliness.

"Yes, in charge," Mum bent down to her level and I looked around for an escape, "It means you and Sis get to cook for Mummy and Daddy. Wouldn't that be nice? To spend some time with Sis after she's been away for so long? Yes, of course it's very nice."

Cecily looked like she would very much like to join me in the pantry.

"So, yay!" Mum beamed and straightened up, "Well, you girls know where everything is, so I'll just pop into the bathr - Andii, what _are_ you doing down there?"

"Erm..." I looked up awkwardly from under the table, "I was looking... for... my fifty cents."

While Mum stared at me, Cecily began to tiptoe into the living room.

"Riiiiight. So anyway - Leelee!" - I took this opportunity to duck under the table again - "Andii!"

Mum dragged us by our collars and dumped us in front of the fridge.

We began the impossible.

"No - Lee - STOP!" I screamed thirty seconds into the making.

_FSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH... POP._

The kitchen tiles were covered with Rice Bubbles.

"Oops," Cecily said meekly.

Oops indeed.

I stared at the mess then looked at the ceiling for a sign.

We heard barking.

"Hey, it's Popeye!" Cecily said gleefully, running to the kitchen door and opening it.

"Popeye?" I repeated, confuzzled, "Hey - but - he's a dog!"

With a few joyful woofs, Popeye came trotting in like he owned the place. Then he slid on the rice bubbles and began to bark as he went skidding around.

"Ah - ah - AH!" I shrieked, picking up the nearest object (a can opener) and swiping it around, "Stop ice-skating, boy!"

"I'll stop him," Cecily announced. Before I could scream, "NO, FOR THE LOVE OF CAKE!", she had taken down a packet of Schmackos (_"Dogs go whacko, dogs for whacko for Schmackoooossssss!"_) and was waving it in front him.

I groaned.

Popeye is already a very energetic dog.

We don't need him any more whacko.

"Here, boy!" Cecily called, waving them more vigorously.

"Lee," I croaked, still holding the can opener, "Please. Stop. Now."

Popeye's ears had suddenly gone still and he looked at Cecily interestedly.

"WOOF WOOF!"

She screamed when Popeye leapt over her and grabbed the packet of whacked up dog treats from her. She fell back onto her butt and looked quite shocked.

"That," I said heavily, shutting the kitchen door on the white Toy Poodle who was woofing away happily with his prize, "Is why you never adopt a puppy like Popeye."

"Why not?" Cecily asked, confused, as she tried to get back up.

"Uh - never mind," I responded swiftly, "Come on, we need to cook breakfast."

Easier said than done. In thirty minutes, my sister and I successfully burnt bacon, eggs and toast, as well as accidentally pour orange juice instead of milk on cereal, (Cecily's doings, not mine) and confuse tea leaves with coffee beans (yours truly).

It took us a further fifteen minutes to serve the quite possibly poisonous food, then tidy up the huuuuuge mess we had made.

Daddy and Mum came in, fully dressed, looking ready for the day, which I'm sorry to say I think their dear daughters ruined when they saw what they would be having for the most important meal of the day.

"Well," Daddy said blankly, "This looks... appetising."

"Oh, doesn't it?" I asked, only half-sarcastically. I wiped some flour from my hair. I have no idea where that came from.

"I think I'll make do with some coffee," Daddy said quickly, grabbing his mug. He immediately spat the beverage into the sink, "Great Scott, what is _in_ this?"

"Chinese 'erbal tea!" Cecily said proudly, " 'Fore Sis put some Nescafe into it."

"SHH!" I hissed, cursing intelligent three-year-olds.

"You put_ tea_ in this?"

"Hey! They look the same!"

"They most certainly do not."

"Mum," I immediately rounded on my mother, "Why did you get us to make breakfast?"

"Yeah, why _did_ you?" Daddy demanded.

"Yeah!" Cecily chimed in.

"What, so now it's _my_ fault?" Mum looked huffy, "I think the girls did a great job."

"Huh!" I exclaimed, more of a statement than a question, "As if, woman!"

"What's wrong with Popeye?" Mum asked swiftly, "He's lying in the hallway. I think he's sick."

"Lee gave him a whole pack of Sch - "

"I'm hungry!" Cecily wailed loudly.

"Eat some of this, dear sister," I said, lifting a spoon of burnt eggs to her mouth.

"EW! GO AWAY!" She screamed and ran behind Mum.

"Aww, c'mon, just a bite!" I began chasing her with the spoon and she screamed and ran away.

It was complete, utter chaos.

When Daddy finally left for work and Mum had cleaned out the kitchen, and Cecily was dressed properly and was watching _Sesame Street_, I went up to my room to finish the rest of my unpacking.

Andii's Dictionary

unpacking_1_ Pronunciation Key ('_un-_PAC_-king_')  
_n.  
_The art of gathering scattered garments strewn around bedroom in question by _Subject: Little Sister_ and transferring articles of clothing into laundry basket.

Yay.

Cecily had pretty much upturned my suitcase so that all my clothes were spilling out, and she had also torn apart my night bag. You know, in search for her souvenir.

Hehe... souvenir.

Anywho, my unpacking was finished rather quickly and Mum came up and screamed bloody murder when she saw my overflowing laundry basket.

"You know," I said in a dignified voice as I picked up a pink top and threw it across Mum's shoulder, "The CGL people _did_ wash my clothes."

"Their soap is foreign and not to be trusted," Mum sniffed disdainfully, juggling to carry the basket, "Now how's about you go visit Claudey? She's been here about twice every week."

"Oooh, yes. Claude," I said cheerfully, "Yes, I remember her."

"Yes, your best friend since forever?" Mum said a bit sarcastically as Cecily slipped in, clutching a stuffed Cookie Monster.

"I wanna go to Claude's house!" she announced.

I glanced at Mum who glanced back at me. With a heavy sigh, she dumped the basket she had just managed to hold steadily back onto the floor and said, "Leelee, honey, why don't we leave Sis alone for the morning? She needs to catch up with her friends."

"But I wanna see Claude!"

She was starting to wail. Not a good sign.

"No, Leelee, you're going to come help me wash Sis' clothes. Yay! Isn't that exciting?"

I snorted in laughter as Cecily pouted.

Mum looked at me helplessly and I grinned at her to show that I wasn't going to have a part in this.

_That means you'll probably end up dragging Cecily with you to Claude's._

Good morrow, that's not good.

"Washing is fun!" I reassured Cecily, crouching down to her level. Despite her having greyish-blue eyes and beach blonde hair, we look alike a lot. Same facial features, or something like that.

We're both also very petite and vertically challenged, though I'm sure I was never _that_ small.

Never.

Cecily looked at me in disbelief.

"Err - " I looked around desperately, and Mum grinned at me much like the way I had before, "Umm... c'mon, there's even a song about washing clothes! Everybody, washing in the laundry room, eeeeeeverybody, washing in the laundry room, eeeeeeeeeveryboooooody washing in the laundy-rooooooooom, banging on the - err... powder and... machines!"

Mum had put her hand to her forehead and slowly walked away. Cecily was rolling her eyes.

"Sis, that was really horrible. What do you think I am, a little kid?"

Err - _yeah_?

However, I said, "Of _course_ not, my dear, old, unyouthful, wrinkled child. I mean, adult. Just go skedaddle off and wash now. Oh, mother!" I said cheerily, and Mum gave a hardly audible groan as she turned around and ambled back, "Take the dear old Leelee to the laundry room. I'm off to Claudette's!"

"Have fun," Mum said in a way that you could hardly detect her sarcasm. She took Cecily's hand and waved at me as I flourished out of my bedroom and narrowly avoided stacking it down the stairs.

Oi. I'm pretty sure they weren't _that_ close to my bedroom door before. Inanimate objects these days.

I was haunted by the uncomfortable thought that I had forgotten to do something extremely important as I skipped merrily towards my best friend's house.

---

**The EX-Project Dis-Inspect Camp Green Lake - Un-Journal**

22nd of August.

_Mood: meh  
Time: almost 10pm, I think_

_Mmm... this diary thing was supposed to be especially for keeping track at CGL, but I don't care. I went to see Claude today. She was beyond estastic. I spent the whole day at her house. We added music to my new iPod (mum and dad's real b'day present for me) and tried making a lemon meringue pie. It burst into flames, if you'd believe that. But mostly, we just talked. Talked and talked and talked. I was gonna tell her everything about Squid, but in the end I told her basically what I had told my parents. I have no idea why I'm keeping all of this to myself. It's a secret I shall take with me to my grave. That's a bit sad. I wanna tell someone about Squid, but at the same time, I don't._

_Another thing's bothering me as well. I feel really bad. Like I'm sick constantly. It keeps me from being naturally cheerful. I mean, I'm really glad to see my family and friends again, but part of me is holding back. I've never felt like this before. Sometimes, I just feel like crying. How is this even normal? I'm home. But I don't feel like I am._

23rd of August.

_Mood: sad  
Time: 9:04pm_

_Today I went to the beach with Claude and Minda and Vee. It was great, hanging with them. I suppose I just didn't feel up to it. Mum thought I was sick because I didn't say much at dinner, so she told me to go to bed early. That was around 8:30. I've been lying here for half an hour, not even thinking. I feel really horrible. Maybe I am sick?_

_Time: 9:32pm_

_Uh oh. I just realised I have a meeting with Mr. AG in three days' time. I don't think I can stand it, sitting with that evil man and recounting about my visit. Sigh._

24th of August.

_Mood: content  
Time: 9:25pm_

_I'm feeling better now. I spent all of today in bed because Mum thought I was sick. I got treated like a princess. I felt completely lousy and did nothing but read and stare into space. But now I feel better. Tomorrow Claude and I are gonna go clothes shopping, and that always cheers me up. I'm looking forward to it. It's been awhile since I've looked forward to something, so that's gotta be good, right?_

25th of August.

_Mood: hehehe  
Time: 7:30pm_

_AHAHAHA! I'm so tired, hehehe. Had a great time at the mall. Claude and I laughed over pretty much everything. We had so much fun. We bought tons and then we ate ice cream and candy and Claude thought she saw Hugh Grant and yelled at the poor lookalike. It was hilarious. I've gotta eat dinner now, bye bye!_

26th of August.

_Mood: bamboozled  
Time: 9:32pm_

_Have a meeting with the AG tomorrow. Claude wanted to know why I don't wanna go, and I told her I don't like him. She agrees with me because he has a funny nose. Don't ask. Anyway, in hopes to cheer me up, Mum said Claude can sleepover tomorrow night after the meeting. It shall be fun. I hope, anyway. Didn't do much today. I actually did a tiny bit of my homework that Vee brought for me, since I had missed out on quite a bit. Something about the First World War. Argh, who cares anyway._

_I'll write up what happens tomorrow at the meeting. For now, fare thee well and sleep tight._

---

**THE NEXT MORNING**

I woke up.

It was ten-thirty.

"SUGAR! I have to be at that place at eleven!" I shrieked, literally leaping up from my bed.

Phase one begins.

"Andii, Andii, Andii!" Mum banged in while I was trying to pull my denim pleated skirt over my PJ's, "You're going to be _late_!"

"Thank you for that observation!" I yelled, wildly yanking on a pink _Von Dutch_ jacket over my white polo shirt.

"Uh - I'll make breakfast!" Mum immediately bustled out.

In twenty minutes (a record), I had managed to get dressed and clean myself up. I grabbed a white ribbon and wrapped it around my brown hair so that it wound up in a ponytail. Then I thundered down the stairs into the kitchen.

As soon as I walked in, Mum chucked a piece of toast at me. I shrieked and managed to catch it.

"C'mon, we gotta leave _now_!" Mum was possibly more worried than me. Hey, being punctual for the Attorney General is pretty important.

"Okay, okay," I tried to say through the toast, "Where's Cecily?"

"Over at Lot's. Now, come _on_."

I had reached the front door and Mum was rummaging for the car keys when I remembered something.

"Argh! I need to bring my notes and everything! Hold for a moment!" I turned around and sprinted back up the stairs, with Mum yelling after me to hurry up.

I almost tripped as I stumbled into my bedroom, looking around frantically. For a moment, I forgot what I was supposed to be looking for, which always happens _especially_ when I'm in a rush. Then I saw my denim bag sticking out from under my bed, and I dove for it. Quickly, I pulled out my notebook with all the sheets in it, and left my bag on the rug. While I was straightening up, I saw my iPod sitting on my bedside table and grabbed that as well.

If Mum could've flown the car to wherever we were going, I'm sure she would've. I was afraid she'd get fined for speeding and rushing the yellow lights, but God was with us and we arrived at the important office only six minutes late.

Once we were inside, Mum stopped acting like a headless chook and regained her cool and sophisticatedness. She told the receptionist who we were and why we were here, and then I was ushered into some private room.

"Hello, Andromeda," Mr. AG shook my hand, then he shook my mum's, "And hello, Mrs. Williams. Andromeda, please take a seat. Mrs. Williams, would you care for a cup of tea? You may have it while you wait outside. We won't be long, say, fifteen minutes."

MUM'S NOT STAYING WITH ME?

Oh, well.

I'm a big girl.

I couldn't help but feel a bit trembly and scared though. Maybe this AG guy is an IMPOSTER.

_Oh, come off it. You spent an entire month with criminal boys by yourself. Surely you can wait fifteen minutes in a nice cosy office with an important official dude, and your mum within screaming distance._

I hate that side of me.

When Mum had left the room, I kinda stared at my nails. Which were appalling. I have a horrible habit of biting them when I'm nervous. See, one of them is inserting itself between my teeth right at this moment.

"So, Andromeda," (_I hate it when people call me that_), "Did you have a pleasant stay?"

Oh, yes. It was absolutely enjoyable. I had the time of my life, out in the desert with hardly any water and with the sun burning me. I made so many friends with boys that were twice my size and were sometimes perverted. There was also this awesome room with broken sofas - sofas can be broken, so don't you dare try to correct me - and a silly pool table, and there was this great piece of technology called a television that displayed the most fascinating movies: NOTHING. The food. Don't even get me started about the food. It was scrumptious. We had beans on sticks covered in sludge sauce and this was all served with a canteen of delicious non-alcoholic water and the bedding was terrific; everyone got to stay in a metre-of-space with a public bathroom complete with cheap shampoos and soaps and they gave us a complimentary alarm clock everyday with a free newspaper (haha, just kidding; there was no newspaper) so there WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHUT UP NOW?

I was _so_ close to saying all that.

I told the AG what he wanted to hear, entwined with the truth. He went "ooh" and "ahh" and frowned and smiled when it was appropriate, and nodded and "mmmed" and shook his head and closed his eyes and wiggled his hips in the rhythm of the Macarena.

When I had finished, I looked back at my nails.

"I see."

I narrowed my eyes.

So that's all he says.

_I see._

I SPENT A WHOLE FRICKIN' MONTH AT THAT PLACE THAT EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED ME AND HE SAYS _I SEE_?

I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.

I'M GOING TO COMPLAIN TO THE GOVERNMENT.

I'M GOING TO -

Argh. Who cares.

It could've been worse.

He could've said something like "oh" or "okay" which would've been much worse.

I'm going to poison his coffee.

Bwahahahahahahaha.

I suddenly felt my stomach leap, as if I had missed going down a stair. I frowned. I felt a bit sick.

Now I just wanna go back to my bed and hide there.

"I trust you have all the reports?" the AG was saying.

"Oh. Yeah," I tuned out of my receptive thinking and handing him my sky-blue notebook.

"And the cassette tape I sent over?"

Oh.

Sugarmuffins.

_That's_ what I forgot.

"Um," I looked around for an escape, "Yeah. I think... I left that at home."

"Oh," he seemed quite surprised for a moment, "Well, that's fine. Have it mailed to me or ask your mother to drop it off within the next week, all right?"

"Oh. Sure," I said absently.

My stomach gave another odd lurch and for a moment I thought I was going to collapse. But somehow I made my way out of the office and into the car where Mum drove me back home.

I stayed quiet during lunch.

I stayed quiet when Cecily came back home and asked me how "Mr. Alien" was.

I stayed quiet when Claude came over and our sleepover began.

I stayed quiet when she asked me what was wrong.

I stayed quiet when we ate dinner.

I stayed quiet when we watched _A Walk To Remember_. Claude was blubbering like a child, and usually I'd be right along with her, bawling my eyes out. But for the first time, I didn't shed a tear while I watched Landon hug his father.

I stayed quiet when it was time to sleep.

I stayed quiet when I finally fell asleep.

---

I woke up in the middle of the night as abruptly as though someone had slapped me across the face. The playroom we always had sleepovers in was pitch black except for the small lights coming from the DVD player that hadn't been switched off yet. Claude was sleeping like a baby next to me, with Popeye curled down at our feet.

I blinked a couple of times, then quietly rustled over to the power point and flicked the DVD switch off.

I didn't feel the least bit tired and I couldn't figure out why. The meeting at the AG was still haunting me, although it wasn't horrifying or anything. It just felt... odd. And that stupid feeling in my chest and stomach had quite dispersed yet. In fact, it was stronger than ever. That was probably what woke me up. That dull, horrible, sinking feeling.

_What is wrong with me?_

My reports... I wonder if they're any good. I wonder if the AG will even take me seriously. I wonder if they're actually going to close CGL down. I wonder if they're going to send more inspection people over to check. I mean, they can't really rely on the opinion of a fourteen-year-old, can they?

I buried my face in my pillow.

_Why_ did they choose me in the first place? Wouldn't it make much more sense if they sent an adult representative? It could've been dangerous for me. And in some ways, it was. But... where will the boys go if they do close the camp down? Surely not to jail. They're not criminals. Not really. They just weren't lucky, especially Caveman.

I chuckled very, very quietly.

Then I sighed.

All this feels so, so hopeless.

..._What_ am I talking about?

Confused and suddenly a tiny bit sad, I got up from my sleeping bag and headed for the bathroom. Afterwards, I found my footsteps going towards my bedroom.

Then I stumbled over one of Cecily's silly toys.

I restrained myself from cursing at it.

When I entered my room, I left the door slightly ajar before flicking on my lamp. With a small sigh, I sat on my bed and just stared at the pastel pink walls. Then I turned my head and my eyes fell on my denim bag that was still lying on my fluffy white rug, where I had left it this morning.

"Oh, you dear bag," I murmured, kneeling down and tenderly picking it up, "You're so faithful and you put up with me so much. Did you enjoy your trip to Camp Green Lake? I bet you didn't; after all, I _did_ drag you all over the place. You probably have a lot of sand in your eyes, huh? Not to worry, I'll get Mummy to wash you so you're clean and fresh."

It was while I was talking to my bag (shh) that I realised it was still kind of heavy. Putting my hand in, I took out the cassette tape and my digital camera.

Frowning slightly, I sat down properly with my legs crossed and put the tape down. I turned my camera on and it made its usual tinkle while it loaded.

Popeye buried his nose in the gap between the door and the doorframe and came trotting over to me. I smiled and put an arm around him.

"Hey, Pop," I greeted softly as he sat on the rug, his tail wagging and his little face peering at my camera.

The first photo loaded. I had to laugh. It was Zigzag eating his cereal. His eyes were bulging out in surprise.

Popeye whimpered.

"That's Zigzag," I explained to him, "He has nice hair, eh?"

Popeye let out a soft woof.

I clicked onto the "next" button.

The next couple of photos were individuals or pairs of the boys as they dug, ate, drank water, talked and laughed. Seeing the photos made me feel like I was reliving my... wonderful experience.

It felt nice.

I grinned when I saw a couple of Squid and me fighting over our hats.

Popeye took a liking to the boys. I knew because he would let out a soft woof every now and then.

Then something else occurred to me and I got up. Popeye circled around my camera which I left on the rug and then perched himself in front of it, looking intently at the photo of Squid giving me a piggy back.

I got my cassette/CD player and placed it on the rug as well. I plugged it in and popped the cassette in. After rewinding it, I turned the volume near low and pressed "play".

_Click._

"Err... hi. My name is... X-Ray. Well actually, it's really Rex, but we all have nicknames here. Yeah. Uh... we're from Group D, and... our... leader is... uhhh..."

"Mr. Pendanski."

"Oh, yeah! Thanks Caveman. So yeah. Umm... so I'm X-Ray."

"Ziiiiigzaaaag."

"Heh... Squid."

"Armpit. Sup, man!"

"You're weird. Magnet. And shoutouts to my _Espagnol_ buddies! Priiiiiide!"

"You realise this is going to the Attorney General. Caveman."

"Zero."

"D-TENT PRIDE!"

"That was uncalled for."

_Click._

I grinned.

I was wonderfully reminded of what I had come to know over the month; these guys are _funny_.

X-Ray spoke next. He was whispering.

"Man... the other guys are sleeping... I'm just gonna 'pologise quickly for the b'fore entry... yeah, sorry 'bout that. It got kinda outta hand. But yeah. Anyway, we like the 'lil gal... Annie. She's chilly. Err, that means she's... nice. Yeah. We like her. I speak on behalf of D-tent. I mean, we _do_ all like her. Oh, shat, gotta go. Later."

_Click._

"Hi! I don't like this camp. Please close it down."

"Magnet, what are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm using this device the chicka gave us. BURN CAMP GREEN LAKE, I SAY!"

"Ooooh. Cool. Hey, what did you think of that new kid?"

"You mean in A-tent? He looks shifty."

"Hmmm. Yeah. I guess."

"Hey guys, whatcha doin'? Hey, are you recording an entry?"

"Huh? Oh, shoot! It's still on!"

_Click._

"Hey - uh - Mr. AG guy. I'm Armpit. I just wanted to say if you could _please_ give more money to this camp to get better food and stuff. The food here is _sick_. And there's not enough to go around. Thanks, man."

_Click._

"I'm Zero. I think Andii is a really nice person. She's helped us out a lot. I'm not sure how. She's somehow made us all closer, and I've had so much more fun ever since she arrived here. She's a very bright person and a lot of fun. Thanks for sending her here."

_Click._

My hand had pushed the "pause" button. My face was set and still and I couldn't think properly. I felt my bottom lip quiver and agonising tears welled up in my eyes.

I felt something wet trickle down my face as I clicked the "play" button again.

"Yooooooo! It's Squid and Zig heeeeere!"

"Hi hi, AG man! We loooooooove you."

"But we love the 'lil girl more! Whooo for the 'lil girl!"

"Yeah, dude, she rocks. WE LOVE YOU, 'LIL GIRL! Actually, Squid loves her even more, if you get what I mean. Hehehehe..."

"ZIG YOU PIECE OF - "

_Click._

I couldn't hold back anymore; the tears spilled out uncontrollably and I started to sob. The tears kept coming and coming as I buried my face in my bed and cried. My chest felt heavy and it ached like crazy. Whenever I thought about one of the boys, the pain would intensify only to come out in more tears. Popeye whimpered and nudged his head against my knee, but I couldn't stop.

I... I just really miss them.

...And how am I supposed to know if Squid is even alright? He could still be in hospital... he could be seriously hurt... and the boys... I... I can't believe I'll never be able to see them again. I don't think I can live like this.

"Sis?"

Oh, no.

Cecily slipped in, a small dressing gown wrapped around her little body. She rubbed her eyes and toddled over to me.

"Sis?" she repeated. She climbed into my lap and pulled my hands away from my face, "What's wrong, Sis? Does your tummy hurt?"

"No," I whispered, wiping away a few tears and trying to pull away, "You shouldn't be out of bed. Just go back to your room and sleep, sweetie. I'm okay."

Cecily didn't say anything. She simply wrapped her small arms around my neck and sat in my lap for awhile.

I don't know why, but it just made me cry harder. I started sobbing again and more tears trickled down my face. But Cecily only continued to hold me the way she was and singing nursery rhymes my parents and I sing to her whenever she's upset.

This may sound crazy, but I enjoyed her company. It helped me calm down. Her childish and slightly off-key version of "She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain" made me feel better. And slowly, as more tears poured out, that horrible ache I had been feeling for a week began to disappear.

Just when I was about to put Cecily back to sleep, my parents and Claude appeared in the doorway.

"What's going on?" Daddy mumbled, still half-asleep.

"Yeah, I'm trying to - " Claude finished yawning and she clapped her hand to her mouth, "Oh! Sweetie, why are you crying? Aww, don't cry! You poor thing." She flew over to me and hugged me tightly; Cecily still had her arms wrapped around my neck.

"Her tummy hurts," she filled in innocently.

Mum's eyes widened as she too came over, "Andii, dearie, whatever is the matter? You never cry, my little pumpkin pie." With that, she crushed me some more by wrapping her arms around Claude, who had her arms wrapped around me, Cecily _still_ dangling from my neck.

Yes, 'twas kind of painful.

Something rose in my heart and I realised just how lucky I was to have such a loving family.

I was crying again.

"Sweetie, don't cry," Claude murmured, pulling away and looking at me remorsefully, "You're gonna make _me_ cry now."

Daddy was looking at my digital camera suspiciously. Mum glanced over at him and threw him a stern look. She gave me one last quick squeeze and took him by the arm.

"You girls stay right here. Daddy and I are going to go make some hot chocolate and we can all talk when we come back. Okay?"

Claude and Cecily nodded.

I suddenly felt ashamed.

My parents went downstairs and I was left sitting on the floor awkwardly. I sniffled and Claude handed me a Moshi Moro tissue. I gave her a small smile and blew my nose.

Cecily released my neck and curled herself comfortably in my lap. Claude perched herself next to me against my bed and put an arm around me.

"So," she said quietly, "What's up?"

I stayed silent for a moment or two. Then I was about to answer when Cecily tilted up her head and said, "Hey, Sis, who's that boy that's piggy-ing you?"

Claude looked at my camera and clasped her hands together, "_Whoa_, he's cute!"

I had to smile, "He's... Squid."

"Oooooh!" Claude grinned devilishly, "Squiddy-boy? You two look... chummy."

I went a tiny bit red, "Uhh... well, yeah. I made a lot of good friends at CGL."

"He's handsome," my innocent, little, boys-hating, cooties-ewing sister said decisively. She suddenly got a dreamy look on her face and she giggled, "Sis, are you gonna marry him?"

"Huh? What - no!" I exclaimed hotly as Claude burst into laughter and high-fived my giggling sister, "Honestly, woman!"

"Oh, c'mon Andii. At least you aren't crying anymore," Claude smirked at me in a very annoying way, "Say... why _were_ you crying? Is it because you miss little Squiddeeee?"

I stayed quiet.

Claude suddenly stopped laughing.

"Oh, sweetie. You _like_ him, don't you?" she whispered, looking at me with wide eyes, "And not just like-like," she continued in a hushed voice, "You... it's like... almost... y'know... really, really, _really_ like?"

I said nothing.

Cecily decided she didn't want to be left out anymore.

"Is he your Prince Charmin'?" she wanted to know.

Claude looked at me expectantly.

The thought of Squid riding a white horse made me snort in laughter. I thought Claude would laugh too, but she looked completely scared and confused.

"But he's... a delinquent," she said anxiously, "Andii, they aren't good people. They're... bad."

"They're all good people," I responded a bit wearily, "Just because they're not filthy rich and spoilt brats. I don't think you'll meet anyone else more honest and caring than them, even if they do act like hardcore cows at times."

Claude stared at me.

Cecily continued to gaze at my camera.

My parents appeared with Daddy carrying a tray of glasses filled with hot chocolate. Mum bustled in and began handing them out. Soon, we were all seated on my bedroom floor, sipping our drinks awkwardly.

"Andii," Daddy finally spoke up, "Who _is_ that boy?"

Mum glared at him. He shrunk a little.

"Um," to my horror, I blushed again, "He's - "

"Squid's his name," Cecily squealed cheerfully, oblivious to the tense atmosphere that was surrounding her.

Daddy's eyes widened, "_Squid_? What kind of parent names their child after _sea creatures_?"

Mum whacked him on the arm, "_Honestly_, Jay. Could you be anymore insensitive? If our daughter trusts this boy enough to let him piggy-back her, it doesn't matter _what_ his name is, even if it is extremely... unusual."

"Unusual?" Daddy snorted, "There, now. You're just being nice. We both know it is one very strange name."

"Regardless of his name - " Mum started.

"Which is an odd one, at that," Daddy muttered, winking at me. I smiled back.

Mum rolled her eyes, then turned to me, "Andii, pumpkin, who is this boy? And why have you been so quiet and not-yourself since you came back from that camp? Is something troubling you?"

"You know, you told us about your stay there," Daddy said soothingly, "But how's about you tell us _everything_? Who knows, maybe we can help. Your mother and I are pretty hunky-dory, you know."

Claude's eyes widened and an oh-too familiar expression crossed her face.

_Shut up_, I warned her with my eyes.

That, however, was unnecessary, as Mum, looking utterly disturbed, turned to Daddy and repeated in a disgusted voice, "_Hunky-dory_?"

Daddy looked taken-aback for a moment. He turned to look at us four females, probably hoping for some sign of help. Sorry _papa_, you're on your own this time.

"What?" he finally said, "Isn't that what you youngsters use nowadays? Hunky-dory?"

"Don't say that again!" Mum exclaimed just as Claude turned away and started shaking in silent laughter.

Cecily looked puzzled and I managed a smile.

"Well, despite your father being a complete _ditz_ - " Mum began, ("Oh, so _those_ are the sorts of crude words you use today!") " - I would like to hear everything about your trip to Camp Green Lake. I'm quite sure much more than what you told us happened over there. Please, sweetie. Trust us. We won't bite you or anything."

I looked at my mother, and she smiled encouragingly. Daddy still looked a bit irritated with the whole "hunky-dory" thing, but he gave me a shrug when our eyes met, which meant he wanted me to talk as well. Claude nudged me and nodded.

Finally, I looked at Cecily. She looked back at me and said, "Tell 'em, Sis. Mummy and Daddy were good at mending Snuffles."

Whatever that meant.

"Fine, fine," I said with a small sigh.

Their faces glowed with happiness, joy and pride, and I had no idea why.

So I told them. Every little bit. How disgusted I was when I first arrived there. How mean the boys were. How we made up to each other. How we had grown close as the days wore on. Everything.

When I finished, Cecily was asleep on my bed, with a little arm wrapped around Popeye, who was also curled up on my doona. Claude and Mum looked like they were in tears. Daddy looked like he was on the verge of laughter or on the brink of hitting someone.

Mismatched emotions, anyone?

"Oh, _honey_," gasped Mum, "That is _such_ a sweet story. Did that boy really defend you? That is so... chivalrous."

Daddy rolled his eyes. Unfortunately for him, Mum saw and elbowed him.

"You never did anything like that for me," she accused, taking a Moshi Moro tissue and blowing her nose.

"Of course I didn't! The very idea," Daddy scoffed.

I smiled.

Claude's eyes were shiny, "Oh Andii, that is such a perfectly elegant story! You _must_ go back to see him and tell him how you really feel! You will, won't you?"

I looked at her in disbelief, and for a moment forgot my parents were right there, "As if the parentals will let me!"

There was silence for a moment.

"Actually, sweetie," Mum sniffled, "It can't really do much harm... to go back... say a final goodbye... those boys sound very sweet. And Squid especially; what a gentleman!"

"A gentleman?" Daddy deadpanned.

"You know what I mean," Mum said dismissively, blowing her nose again, "He stood up for your daughter! You should be on your knees, worshipping him."

Daddy stared at her for what seemed like a long time. Finally, he said, "You are still as dimwitted as you were when you were fourteen."

"Hey! I'm fourteen!" Claude and I exclaimed at the same time.

"No one's denying your intelligence," Daddy said, still staring at Mum who was rolling her eyes, "But _this one_, on the other hand - DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!"

"Honestly, you're such a child."

"Me? _A child_? Who was still watching _Beauty and the Beast_ and _Sailor Moon_ when they were a teenager?"

Mum glared at him.

Daddy glared back.

Claude and I glanced at each other. I rolled my eyes. She grinned and mouthed, "They're so _CUTE_!"

I can put up with that remark when it's about _anyone else_ but my parents.

"Stop it, you two," I commanded.

My parents stopped glaring at each other and turned to me.

"We're going to go drive you back to Camp Green Lake to see Squid and those boys again," Mum said firmly.

Daddy gasped, "We're going to _what_?" at the same time as I exclaimed, "You're going to _what_?" and Claude squealed, "Road trip!"

"You can't be serious," I quickly said before anyone else had the chance to cut in.

"I'm serious," Mum said placidly.

"You are so not serious," Daddy said blankly, staring at her once again.

"I am very serious."

"Can I come too?" Claude asked cheerfully.

Mum smiled at her, "Of course you can."

"Well, I'm sorry to say, Claude, that you aren't coming, because no one is going _anywhere_," Daddy said, sounding more confused and puzzled rather than aggressive.

"Don't be silly, Jay. You know what it's like to be young and in love," Mum snapped.

"I'm not in love," I muttered, flushing again.

"What d'you mean?" Daddy demanded, having not heard me.

Mum rolled her eyes once again, "Don't you remember when we were fourteen? You kicked one of your friends just because he accidentally stepped on my skirt when I was sitting down in the middle of a corridor."

Daddy narrowed his eyes though embarrassment sat on his brow, "What's that have to do with anything?"

"It means you do strange and stupid things and that is what makes love so wonderful and memorable. It's utterly crazy and mental, and as good parents and guardians we are going to transport our fourteen-year-old daughter back to that desert and reunite her with that sweet boy who reminds me of you so very much, do you understand me?" Mum said all of this in one breath and rather aggressively. She had also picked up a very sharp pencil and was holding it up threateningly.

Daddy eyed the pencil and said weakly, "Yes, ma'am."

Mum smiled sweetly, "I thought you would." She put on a much more human smile for me and Claude, "Now, you girls better go to sleep. We'll talk some more in the morning about this little road trip."

"It's over nine hours long," was all I could say.

"I like long car trips," Daddy said suddenly and unexpectedly.

Mum, Claude and I all looked at him strangely.

"What? I do!" he exclaimed, slightly defensive.

"Of course you do," Mum said finally, not lowering the dangerously sharp pencil, "Pull the covers over Leelee tighter, will you? I don't want her getting sick."

With that, my parents left my room. I heard them bickering heartily.

Claude and I sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

"This can't be happening," I finally said, "I'm dreaming, aren't I? Please slap me."

"If you insist," Claude said cheerfully, smacking me on the arm.

"OUCH! Okay. I just imagined that hurt. It's all part of a very painful dream. Slap me again, dreamwoman."

"Okie doke."

_Smack._

"Ouch. I imagined the pain again. Pinch this time, will you?"

"Alrighty."

_Pinch._

"Ow."

"Wanna go again?"

"Yes, please."

_Pinch._

"...Ow. Please do that again."

"Um, Andii? I think you're awake."

"No, I'm not giving up until I know I'm dreaming."

_SLAP._

"OW!" I howled, clutching my knee, "What was that for?"

Claude looked quite calm, "I want you to be sure that you are NOT DREAMING!" She screamed the last part in my ear and I yelped and fell back. Cecily stirred.

"Okay, okay!" I mumbled, "I'm awake. Now. I was asleep before, wasn't I?"

Claude rolled her eyes.

"Don't hit me!" I threw up my arms, "So I was awake the whole time. Big deal."

"That means we're going to go to that camp place and you can cast yourself into the arms of your lover-boy," Claude sighed dreamily.

I rolled my eyes, "This is so mental."

"Yeah, well," Claude let out a huge yawn, "We better sleep on it."

"Mmmm," I also yawned, feeling lighter and happier than I had been for awhile, "Let's head back to the playroom, then."

"Aww, but it's so far away," she whined, yawning again. She sleepily crawled onto my bed and settled beside Cecily, "Can we sleep here?" she mumbled, her eyes already shut.

I shrugged, "Sure. But you won't believe how Lee kicks."

Claude responded with another yawn.

I turned off my camera, my cassette player and my lamp. Then I crawled on my bed where Claude was already asleep, and curled up on the other side of Cecily.

I felt like a heavy load had been lifted from my shoulders as I drifted off to a luxurious sleep.

----------

A/N: WELL... hi everyone. - ducks from assorted rotten vegetables - OKAY! I know it's been quite some time... quite some very long time... but you shall nevre believe how _unbelievably_ and _unbearably_ and _horribly_ busy I have been! Honestly. Do not kill me. I've been trying to juggle with stacks and stacks of homework, assignments and studies for exams, and wow, has it really been that long? Wait, I'm thinking... IT'S BEEN FOREVER! I should try to update sooner, yeah? Well, it was also hard to write this chapter. I rewrote the beginning about five times, no exaggeration. Hey... I like this song. :) Okie... yeah. HAPPY ENDING! Andii gets to see Squiddy! Yay! The thought of writing the next chapter scares the pants off me... but oh well. :) You know, so much has happened since my last update. And my birthday is in like two month's times! Man, it's been almost a year since I started writing this! How scary is that? I'm not sure if that's scary for you... but it is for me! I know you guys had lots of questions for me, but I'll answer them in the next chapter. Yeah? Thank you for understanding:) I love you all so much for reviewing (I almost typed 'updating'... shows I'm not thinking straight) and for reading. So please accept enclosed gummi bear. Hehe. I love gummi bears. They're so tasty! If you've emailed me, please... email me again. I can't keep track. I think I might go mad with everything I've got to do. Add that together with my natural laziness, and you've got yourself quite a pudding of a mess. That didn't make much sense, but I need to go and pretend I'm doing my maths homework ("consumer arithmetic" - how very intriguing) and then eat dinner. REMEMBER TO LOVE SUNNY BAUDELAIRE. :) - msq.

PS. How dare FF remove _four_ of my Harry Potter stories. They make me so sad. :(


	24. Two Returns Make A Happy Clover

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

_In General:_ Thank you times a million fifty billion plus forty-five and the number of people online on my MSN list! Reviewing puts a smile on my face and keeps me motivated. :D Can you believe it's been a year since I started this fic? I can't! Words can never express my love for you reviewers and readers. I could marry you! Honestly! All of you have encouraged me to keep writing and have also inspired me so very much. If it weren't for all of you, I'd have given up on this fic a long, long, LONG time ago, before time was even known. So thank you sooo, sooo, _sooo_, _soooooooooo_ much. You people are all delusional and need to splash cold water on your faces (I ran through the rain, kicked and jumped in puddles today) but I don't mind coz you're just like me. :D In the way that you enjoy strange stories, that is. Hehehe. :) I've done enough rambling, so happy reading!

PS. I just noticed the most awful error. No one notices Andii's large scar on her face. WHY, you scream, WHY? BECAUSE I FORGOT THAT SHE HAD ONE! (cowers from angry readers) I'm dreadfully sorry! Let's just pretend it magically disappeared. Yeah? Yeah. :)

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twenty Four ll Two Returns Make A Happy Clover**

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**!YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY MISS THIS!**

_**SQUID'S POV**_

_25th of August, 2004._

Aha, I'm free, FREE, FREEEEEE AS A BIRDIE!

...Yes, I am indeed free. Free of those insane things sticking into me. What where they called? Tubes? I dunno. Something that gave me blood. _Blood._ I'm not a vampire. I don't need blood to survive.

Aaaanyway, I have some excellent news for you non-vampires.

I'M GETTING OUT OF THE RUDDY HOSPITAL! WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

I would do a victory dance if that nurse over there wasn't staring at me like a hawk, making sure I don't do something stupid like leaping onto my freshly-made bed and kicking my heels up.

Fine, I suppose I'll enlighten you.

I've been in this strange all-white room that smells like bleach for a couple of days now, after I got sat on by an elephant. Haha... I wish I got sat on by an elephant. It would've been better than what actually happened.

Which I won't go into detail about.

They did all sorts of strange things, those hospital people did. They attempted different methods to make me feel better. And I do, so that's something good on their conscience.

All that's left are a couple of bruises and scars. My shoulders are fine, contrary to belief.

AND I'M FREE!

The helicopter's coming along shortly to take me back to my beloved Camp Green Lake.

And my friends.

And the 'lil girl.

I started grinning insanely at the thought of seeing her. Surely she misses me and will welcome me with open arms and a great big kiss, and together we can ride off in the sunset?

...That was rather pricky, wasn't it?

Oh well. I know she wants me.

...OKAY I'LL SHUT UP NOW.

That's not going to stop me from grinning insanely, though.

:D :D :D :D

I've really missed her... like _really_. I just can't help myself. She's such a bright and cheerful thing. You feel happier just by _looking _at her. Or at least I do. And she gives you hope and sunshine and comfort and faith and joy and humor and I knew my brainy thesaurus would come in handy one day.

"Smith, Alan?" called Dr. Ewell, walking into the all-white room with his nose buried in his black clipboard.

"Yes, doctor," I answered patiently. This man is cool, don't get me wrong. But even after several days of nursing and looking after me he still greets me as though we've never met.

"How are you doing?" he asked gravely, lowering his clipboard and shaking hands with me.

"I'm fine, doctor," I replied contritely, "I'm leaving today, remember?"

"Oh. Yes. Of course," he said rather solemnly, lifting The Clipboard again, "Today. On the 25th of August, at precisely 11:30 AM you will be walking out of these doors to join the helicopter which should arrive at 11:25 AM, then depart at approximately thirty-two minutes past eleven."

I stared at him.

"Yeah, sure," I said quickly, remembering my manners. I nodded, "That's exactly right. Really excellent job, doctor."

Dr. Ewell smiled wryly at me, "Thank you, Alan. I trust you won't get into anymore of these osh-b'goshes at that camp?"

_What_ the?

"Oh, yeah. I'll behave myself," I said with a forced grin, figuring "osh-b'gosh" must be some oldie word for "provoked attack on jerks".

"That's good. I don't want to see you again in that state. I'm not much of a fan of blood, if I do say so myself."

Okay, this doctor is _so_ not cool. I don't even get what he says. I just nodded and agreed, since that seemed polite. Then it was really time for me to leave. YAY. Back to osh-b'gosh land.

At least Dr. Ewell's accurate. The helicopter arrived in due time and I clambered on with great relief.

It was an amazing ride, let me tell you that. Since I didn't know the next time I'd get to fly high, high, high above such a beautacious wasteland, I savoured every moment and had my face glued against the window.

When we finally landed just outside the camp compound, I had that insane grin back on my face. Oh, I am back, guess who's back, I am back, with a great new hat!

Slightly disappointed that no one was around to hear my poem, I climbed off the helicopter carefully. The people in white coats who had accompanied me also climbed off.

"To the administration, first," one of them instructed me.

"The what?" I asked before I could stop myself.

They pointed to Mr. Sir's shabby, poor-excuse of an office.

"Oh, _that_," I laughed as I comprehended. For a moment I was afraid we had landed at the wrong place. CGL has no fancy thing called _administration._

This may seem crazy, but I was overjoyed to see Mr. Sir. I could've kissed him!

He hadn't buttoned up his shirt, though, and his open chest was enough to put me off kissing for at least three years. Or so I thought.

"I see yer back," he growled, narrowing his eyes.

"Yep," I said with an idiotically handsome grin.

"How are yeh?" he asked a bit grudgingly, signing a form on the clipboard those white-coat people had handed him.

I grinned some more (he _does_ care about me!) and answered chirpily, "Never better!"

Mr. Sir finished signing the last form and said informatively, "She's in the big log building with red curtains. Wouldn't recommend yeh go now, though, she's paintin' her nails. As for you, boy - " he turned to me aggressively, "No diggin' fer a couple of days, by order of the Warden. Yeh can go back to yer cabin or the Wreck Room. None of yer other 'lil friends have finished yet, don't think."

"Can I go visit the 'lil girl?" I asked politely.

He looked at me with something I couldn't put my finger on. Emotion. Almost _sympathy._ I frowned. That was certainly out of the ordinary.

"Er - I wouldn't recommend it," his tone had suddenly gone softer and more human. He put his cowboy hat back on and said, "Just go back to yer cabin and wait for the others to finish their holes."

"Okay," I said slowly, wondering what had brought on the sudden change. I walked out of the air-conditioned building and made my way back to D-cabin. I saw the white-coat people standing on the Warden's porch, and something suddenly struck me.

The orange tent was gone.

"What the..." I muttered to myself, tearing my eyes away from the strangely blank spot and pushing open the door to my much-missed cabin. It was dark and empty, and I sat myself down on my cot. With a sigh, I laid back down and stretched, trying to recapture the feelings of happiness and excitement I had felt this morning. For some reason, I just felt confused and empty now.

When I was too tired to wonder anymore, I drifted off to sleep.

---

"...careful, you were about to sit on him, Pit."

"I was not!"

"You were to. Sometimes you don't realise it, but you are kinda big-boned."

"I know I am, man, but seriously. As if I was gonna sit on him."

"You were leaning back! Your backside was about to touch his frickin' hose! If that's not about-to-sit, then I dunno what is."

"It's called trying to get between his cot and Zero's."

"Whatever, man."

"Are you tryin' to start me?"

"I guess I am."

"You two, shut up."

I slowly opened my eyes and let my vision clear.

"Hey, he's up!" someone called gleefully.

I blinked several times and a grin slowly unfurled across my face. I propped myself up on my elbows and sat up. "Hey guys," I said weakly.

"Squid!" they all called, grinning back. They gathered around me and Magnet reached out for a high-five.

"Sup, man?"

"How was it?"

"You got to go up in a helicopter, you lucky bastard!"

"Did they try to suck your brains out?"

"Eww, Zig, you're gross."

"What? The last time I woke up in hospital, they had tubes stickin' out of my arms."

Magnet rolled his eyes, "They were savin' your life, you twit."

"Whatever."

I had to laugh with everyone else. Then I briefly explained my visit to the hospital and the ride in the helicopter. While I was talking, I realised something. Andii wasn't there. Where was she? Was she okay?

Before I could ask, X told me how those B-tent-cabin losers had pretty much gotten away with it all.

"Hey, that's not true," Caveman said very slowly, as if he was about to bring up something he probably shouldn't.

"What d'ya mean? All the Warden did was make them dig extra holes for a couple of days while decreasing their water," X-Ray said, frowning.

"No, that wasn't all," Zero said with a small smile, comprehension dawning on his face, "That blonde one - that really nasty guy - what was his name?"

I shuddered, "I hate that one especially."

"Yeah - him. He didn't exactly 'get away' with it, now did he?" Zero looked around the other guys expectantly. Slowly, it was if they were getting lifted by an invisible fishing line. And small smiles crept on their faces.

"That 'lil gal, seriously," Pit mumbled, looking at the wall, "You can't deny, she's got style."

The others nodded in a solemn kind of agreement, and I raised an eyebrow.

"What did she do?" I decided to ask before, _"Where the HECK is she?"_

They all glanced at each other, slightly amused. I started to get impatient.

"Well," X-Ray finally said, "She - er - ...went up and slapped him."

My eyes widened, "She did _what_?"

"It was mad!" exclaimed Zigzag, his eyes also bulging out with enthusiasm, "Man, that was so wicked. I wish I could slap like that." We all laughed. I grinned the most. The thought of that feisty little girl slapping that arsehole was very satisfying, to say the least.

"Well, I need to thank her," I said brightly, "Where is she?"

And just like that, their faces fell.

I had to frown. D-tent may have mood swings, but this isn't normal. Come to think of it, CGL has been extremely abnormal since my return.

My thoughts immediately flipped to this creepy game called _Resident Evil_. Ugh, if that's what's happened to CGL, I'm packing my bags and hitchhiking back to Dr. Ewell in a couple of seconds.

"Squid..." X-Ray seemed to have become the spokesperson for them, "She's... she had to..."

He looked around helplessly.

"She had to..." I prompted, gesturing with my hand to make him continue.

X-Ray couldn't go on. There he was, with his mouth half-open, and he looked like an idiot. But I knew better than to point that out.

"Listen, Squid," Caveman took it upon himself to speak up, as the other dudes were all looking at the ground, "You know she was only gonna be here for a prolonged period of time."

"Eh?" I said, puzzled.

Zero rolled his eyes, "Squid! Man, seriously. Wake up!"

"I'm awake! I just wanna know where she is! Is that too much to ask?"

A few of them sighed.

"Squid," Zig said quietly, "She's gone."

For some reason, as soon as I heard those words, I forgot what they meant.

"What?" I said automatically.

"She left a couple of days ago... her time here was up. She's gone back home," explained Caveman sympathetically.

My mouth went dry. My brain froze up. I felt my insides go glacial. And an overwhelming feeling filled me; the feeling that I had missed out on something really important.

"...Oh," was all I could say.

"We're really sorry," X-Ray murmured, awkwardly reaching out to pat me on the back. It may have been awkward, but I knew it was sincere. I looked up at him with a brief and very forced smile.

I wanted them to all leave me alone, but they weren't budging. They sat there, around me, silent and still, not looking at me.

After silence for quite some time, Zig cleared his throat.

"Hey, Squid?" he said tentatively, getting up and crossing over to his crate. He took something out and slowly strode back to me.

"She... she left something," Zigzag lifted a small and dirty bundle, "We all agreed you'd be the best at looking after him. Here, take him."

I managed a real smile this time as I slowly reached out and took what he was holding. With a small sigh, I looked at it affectionately and tried not to think of some strange yet memorable times I had had.

It's just like the 'lil girl to forget something as important as Clover.

---

**ANDII'S POV.**

"Are we there yet?"

You know how on long car trips, there's always one annoying person?

"Are we there yet?"

And they just don't _shut up_?

"Are we there yet?"

Even if they've asked the same question about fifty-seven times?

"Are we there yet?"

I bet you thought I was the most annoying person on the face of the planet. But aha, there is someone more annoying than me. Oh, it just makes you tremble within your rainbow toesocks, doesn't it?

Actually, there are two people more annoying than me.

Behold, ladies and gentleman...

My sister.

"Are we there yet?" she whined for the fifty-ninth time, kicking at the seat in front of her and then chewing on Snuffles, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonald's?"

I couldn't help myself. I snorted, "And do you see a McDonald's anywhere around here, dearest sister?"

That shut her up for a split second.

Then -

"Are we there yet?"

The other most annoying person on the planet was, of course, my best friend.

Claude was sitting there quite peacefully, looking contentedly at a trashy magazine. In fact, she was very much preoccupied and I wouldn't be the slightest bit annoyed at her if she hadn't had her music turned up on full blast so you could almost tell what songs she was listening to if they weren't in Korean.

And you could tell they were Korean because she was _singing_.

And the other annoying factor was she could _not _hear you. So even if you said, "Oliver James is about as ugly as a hen's arse" she wouldn't even look up. No, instead, she'd continue singing mumbo-jumbo and making no sense at all.

Of course, this probably wouldn't have annoyed me either. Goodness knows on any other car trip she'd be jumping up and down in her seat hyperactively, acting almost exactly as Cecily was.

But I _need_ someone to talk to.

With Claude being strangely quiet and Cecily being Cecily, I had no one to converse with but my parents.

And they are the next two most annoying people on the planet after _moi._

Mum was filming our car trip, and there is nothing more irritating than when you've been sitting on your arse for hours and you're tired as hell, and suddenly a camera is shoved in your face and someone like my mother says cheerily, "Aww, doesn't Andii-wandii look _so_ tired and angry. It seems as though she'd like to bash my head in, but I'll just continue filming for no one's sake!"

Of course, you say something along the lines of, "Mum, I'm tired. Put that away. There's nothing to film, anyway. Look, it's a hairball."

Oh, how I hate that hairball.

I expected Daddy to be sane but for some reason the whole world was against me on that day. He was driving _and_ watching TV at the same time. (We have one of those cars with a TV.) There is nothing wrong with TV except he was watching some rugby game. Every time some random jerk kicked the ball with the wrong foot or whatever, Daddy would screech and yell and stamp around in fury.

Mum did nothing but calmly tell him to keep both hands on the steering wheel, dear.

So there I was in the middle of all this pandemonium. Cecily requesting to go to McDonald's. Claude singing crude songs and flicking her magazine. Mum poking the camera in people's noses and then out the window again. Daddy almost killing us by not keeping both hands on the steering wheel.

There was nothing I could do. I tried to talk to Claude. You yelled at her and she didn't even blink. You poke her and she squawks at you angrily with a loud chorus of a BoA song.

So I tried to talk to Mum.

"SAY HELLO TO GRANDPA AND GRANDMA, ANDII SWEETIE!"

_Shudder._

I tried to talk to Daddy.

"Run - run - run - KICK, DANG IT! No, you idiot, what are you doing? No - no - NOOO!"

And there is no way I'm going to talk to Cecily.

We'd been in the car for a total of seven hours and it was about noon.

I was slowly going insane.

No kidding.

"Hey, Andii?" Claude asked, taking a headphone out of her ear.

"Yes?" I replied, trying not to slap her across the face for finally acknowledging my existence.

"Whatcha gonna do when we get there?"

Suddenly, everyone's ears pricked. Daddy was still looking at the TV but I could tell he was straining to listen, because he was slowly starting to lean back towards me. Mum was still filming the incredibly ravishing scenery but she had stopped commentating on our endless car trip. Cecily was looking up at me with wide blue eyes and when I didn't answer for awhile she bit my hand and commanded, "Start talkin'!"

"Ow! Jeebez!" I exclaimed, yanking my hand away as Claude snorted in laughter, "I dunno! Talk to the Warden? Talk to D-tent? Exchange hearty greetings with Mr. Sir? Sit down for a much missed meal of refried beans? Sip tea and slice some pie?"

"Andii, sweetie, don't be silly," Mum said nonchalantly, "You can have tea and pie at home any time."

Mum just doesn't get it.

"I was kidding," I said lightly.

"What, about talking to the Warden?" Daddy wanted to know.

"What about a kiss for - " Claude started teasingly.

"There's a kangaroo on the road!" I suddenly shrieked.

"What the - !" Daddy yelped, jerking the steering wheel instinctively.

And that is the story of how the car crashed into a tree and we all died.

The end.

Pah, you wish.

We decided to take a break and sat on a picnic mat outside on the dirt. Mum poured cordial for us while Daddy demanded to know where the kangaroo was.

By the time we piled back in the car, they had forgotten about Claude's Absolutely Ridiculous Question Which Caused Me To Falsely Accuse An Australian Animal Of Being In The Middle Of Texas. Mum put away her camera and started to fall asleep. Claude was curled up in her seat, still listening to her MP3 but her eyes were closed. Daddy, Cecily and I were the only ones awake.

The sky was going a pinkish-orange colour which I had never noticed when I was at CGL. Soon, it darkened to a pinkish-purple. There were holes all around in messy little clusters as we continued travelling on the dirt road.

Sheesh... this is boring.

Cecily fell asleep shortly thereafter.

Daddy had turned off the abysmal TV and was concentrating on his driving. We were both sitting in the car silently.

Cecily snores.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I was busy thinking about what I'd do when we did actually arrive at CGL. And how the boys would react. Would Squid even be there? What if he's too hurt to return back to camp? Oh dearie me. Why do I ask important questions when it's too late?

Was that a hairball?

What if the D-tent boys are angry at me? Sure, they _seemed_ sad when I left, but what if they've developed a newfound hate over the past week? What am I going to do then? How long am I going to stay? Are my parents going to go ballistic? What if Claude drops her hair crimper in one of the holes?

I closed my eyes to clear the swirling thoughts in my head.

"Well," Daddy broke the silence as he glanced at me in the rear view mirror, "We're almost there, Doughy Butter. Just another two hours, I think. You can sleep if you want."

"Nah... I'll be fine," I said quietly, still thinking.

We were silent again.

"Daddy?" I spoke up tentatively.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Daddy grinned, "No problem. Anything for my sweet little butter."

I shuddered. I hate his baby name for me. _Doughy Butter._ But then I smiled. My Dad is great.

"So what's this chap's real name again?" Daddy continued as Mum's head drooped and hit his shoulder.

"Alan Smith," I answered, looking out the window where the outside sky was darkening rapidly.

"Alan Smith," Daddy repeated. I could tell he was frowning and thinking, "Sounds familiar..."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I resolved to keep my mouth shut. Cecily whimpered in her sleep.

"Do you know how old he is?" Daddy asked, startling me.

"Um..." I said, trying to get over my surprise, "Yeah. He's fifteen, only recently. I think." Cursed be my faulty memory.

"Oh..." Daddy still appeared to be concentrating on something, "I see. And do you know where he was born?"

Oh my jelly.

To be honest, I'm starting to get scared. Daddy's turning into one of those lawyers, or worse, one of those fathers who asks a lot of questions about their daughter's to-be husband!

But Squid and I aren't getting married.

GAH, the thought of that makes me a bit woozy.

"Um, Daddy?" I said carefully.

"Yeah?"

"Are you all right?"

"Of course I am." _Sure you are._

"Oh... okay then," I said uncertainly, "Well... to answer your question... no, I don't."

"Oh. That's fine," he replied, though it was obvious he was disappointed.

We sat in a comfortable silence after that. Then I must've fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, we've stopped outside Mr. Sir's ugly grey office (his window's still broken) and Cecily's jumping out of the car, running right towards the Mess Hall. Mum's calling after her, though not with much real gusto to try and stop her from walking right into the middle of some delinquents' dinner.

Claude grinned at me, "Finally woken up?"

"Huh?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes, "Holy sugar muffins! We're here." I suddenly felt very, very scared and small.

"Yeah!" Claude's grin grew even bigger, "C'mon, let's go in."

Oh.

Dear.

_Goodness._

I stayed curled up in my seat, trying not to shake. Claude frowned.

"Andii? Dude, what's the matter?"

"Nothing! I'm cold! I think I'll just stay here for the night, and we can leave first thing in the morning. Okay. Good night," I babbled, hiding my face in my arms and pulling my knees to my chest.

There was quiet for a moment.

"Andii, don't be such a fool," Claude said calmly, prying my arm away from my face. She took my hand, "I'll come with you, and together we will smite the world! There's no need to be afraid. They aren't gonna bite you. And if they do, that's all right. I do tae-kwon-do." She grinned insanely and I subconsciously shuddered at the thought of her getting violent.

"Nuh... I'll be fine," I said heartily with the biggest smile ever, "I'll just... stay here. You can go in. Tell them I said hi!"

"Andii!" Mum called sharply, "Get out of this car right this instant and get yourself over there, young lady. Don't make me ask you again."

"Yes sir - ma'am!" I squeaked, my hands flipping around like spiders as I frantically opened the car door and fell out onto the dirt.

I have missed you, dearest dry dirt.

I sprang up to my feet and slammed the door shut, cursing my usually gentle and sweet mother. A grinning Claude got out on the other side. She linked arms with me and said courageously, "To the Squidster!" and led me off, skipping like a little girl on the first day of kindergarten.

----------

A/N: Last night I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond and I was having THE BIGGEST LAUGHING FIT ever. I was lying there on my parents' bed, bawling (with tears of laughter, of course) and giggling silently, occasionally chewing on a pillow to calm myself. Then I grabbed the phone and rang my friend to share the love, joy and happiness, and I swear I think her bro thinks I'm a nutter cos I was hyperventilating when I asked for her. :D Hehe. Well, it was hilarious. I have a thing for laughing at sit-coms. Doesn't everyone?

AHEM.

Hello, hello, hello, I am your beloved... _MissSugarQuill._ And welcome to my LOVERLY home. Okay. I need to stop quoting ASOUE. :O WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?

The holidays have made me a tad bit insane.

:D

:D

:D

...Hi! I'm happy that I was able to update a bit sooner than last time, even if this chapter's kinda short. It was s'posed to be longer, but I wanted to update during these hols cos I'm sure if I'll be able to when school starts. Y'know, with the teachers being prats and all.

I love doing emoticons. I have this mad one on MSN that goes "SHUT UP" in black and white, and it flashes about in a most irritating yet assertive way. Did I thank you for reviewing? Well I'll do it again!

T  
H  
A  
N  
K

Y  
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U.

My birthday's in 18 days!

Y  
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Y.

Hehe... awfully sorry, I s'pose I better get back to doing nothing at all. And please pray for London! That tragic explosion thing... and all those poor victims... that made me so sad. :( I hope everything turns out alright in the end. - msq.

_An Insight Of The NEXT CHAPTER:_

_Andii gets reunited with Clover. (Yay!)_

_And Squid, of course. (Awww.)_

_And... stuff happens. :)_

_I'm not very good at writing an overview of what happens, am I?_


	25. To Spontaneous And Strange Gatherings

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

My reviewers:

You rock my world. x)

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Chapter Twenty Five ll To Spontaneous And Strange Gatherings**

----------

**SQUID'S POV.**

Have you ever had the feeling that you experience after your head's been down a toilet bowl for the fifteen minutes, and you finally come up for air, and it's a huge relief to gasp those fruitful breaths of air, because you almost drowned, and then your head's buzzing, and water's leaking out of your nose and ears, and your hair's sopping wet, and you feel as though you might burst?

...No?

Surprise, surprise. Neither have I.

Well, not first-hand experience, anyway. But I've felt like that for a week now. (No, I haven't been trying to drown myself in the showers.) I feel as though I've been suffocated, that I've been cut off from my lifeline, and that an explosion is imminent at any moment.

No wonder the other guys are avoiding me. I'm a bloody time bomb.

I've even given up the art of brushing my chocolate-brown hair in the morning. What's the point of looking nice for no one, apart from Mum, and possibly Mr. Sir when my vision's blurry?

There is none, the answer is.

And I swear, this week has been dragging on in a most abnormally dragging fashion. It's horrid. It's never going to be over. And what makes it worse is that there _are_ no weekends at Camp Green Lake, meaning a week turns into a month, and then a month meshes into a couple of months, and those couple of months mould together into a year, and so on and so forth until you DIE.

Those weekends would show a _point_ in which the weeks are _broken up_, so I can complain about the horrible _week_ I've been having, but _no_, I can't, because I'd be complaining about the past _month_, and then the past _few months_, and the past _year_, even though I haven't even been here for that long.

The short version? I can't complain.

Not that I would, anyway. I haven't managed to speak a proper conversation with the other guys for a bloody _year_ now (meaning week - if you still don't understand, refer back to stanza 9 and 10) and they haven't said much themselves.

The boys of D-tent-cabin take longer to dig their holes, don't laugh and talk as much, and go to sleep early because they miss _her_ so much. I dig even more slowly so that I'm the last one to finish, won't even crack a smile, and sometimes skip dinner to be alone in my cot because I so _don't care_ that she's gone.

Right.

Life bloody sucks.

Did you know that?

Day freaking (insert number) since Her Majesty's departure.

"If you aren't gonna eat that tortilla, Zero, you might as well give it to me," Armpit was saying to a visibly disheartened Zero on the opposite side of our breakfast bench.

Zero shot him a look, "I _am _gonna eat it. I was saying grace."

"I heard nothing."

"In my head."

"Ooooh."

X-Ray rolled his eyes, then said quickly, "Well you better eat it, then. I'm hungry. I might just take that."

Zero moved so quickly it was over in the blink of an eye. One second the tortilla was sitting on his plate, the next, it was whipped out of sight and his mouth was full, his cheeks bulging.

The guys all stared at him in wonder.

"Are you sure you're not a frog, Zee?" Magnet asked in awe.

Zigzag was now edging away from Zero slightly, as if afraid he might eat him next. That, or he was contagious.

They all burst out in laughter, something that had only happened once or twice since - you know. Everyone except me, that is. They had tried to cheer me up, but it's beyond their bickering and clowning around this time.

This time, it's personal.

Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.

Anywho.

Caveman noticed that I still wasn't laughing with them, so he stopped and put a hand on my shoulder, saying, "Quick, you might wanna run before Zig suspects you of wiring with The Alien."

They all laughed again, even Zigzag, and I tried to arrange my face so that it looked slightly amused.

Heh.

Heh.

..._Heh_.

Who am I kidding. This is never gonna work.

They stopped again, glancing at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Seriously, man," X-Ray said quietly, "Lighten up."

"I'm light," I said defensively, prodding at my tortilla. It reminded me of when _she_ chucked a fit because the cooks had switched the breakfast menu from cereal to tortillas. I gripped harder on my fork, forcing myself to shut her out.

_Don't think about her... don't think about her..._

Whatever,

Do you know _fantastically hard_ it is to do that?

I am so sad.

I think I might just go and drown myself in a toilet bowl now.

Goodbye.

I said _goodbye_.

What are you still doing here?

GOODBYE, DAMMIT!

IT MEANS GETOUTTAMYSIGHTYAFUGLYMAGPIE.

Oh _alright._

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I dropped my fork and sighed heavily, causing the others to start.

"Oi, Squid," Pit said sympathetically, glancing around the table, "I know this sounds harsh, but... I think you need to move on."

My head shot up as quickly as though jerked by an invisible wire. I was shocked at first, but that was replaced quickly with burning anger. I glared at him and he cowered a little.

X-Ray seemed to think this was his territory, "He's right, you know. The 'lil gal was chilly, but she's gone now, and by the looks of it, ain't coming back. Ever."

"You've been moping for a week," Caveman continued reasonably, as if this was all planned, "And that's okay, seriously. But it's getting old now. You can't keep at this forever."

"So what?" I finally said; I was so angry that I was shaking and I struggled to talk calmly, "You're just gonna forget about her? You're gonna forget everything she's done for and taught us? If it weren't for her, d'you really think we'd been as close as we are now?"

"Squid, we know she did a lot for us, but - " Magnet started, but I interrupted him.

"You're just gonna erase her like she was never here, like she never _existed, _like she was never your friend and you didn't give a flying _duck_ about her?"

They were all looking at me seriously, even sadly, as they considered what I said.

"She made us care about her, because she wasn't like anyone we'd ever met before," my throat was very strained and I was afraid I was about to cry, "And she cared about us, and she brought us together in case you dimwits never realised. She isn't like the people we left behind when we came here - like my mum who doesn't give a crap about me, or those bullies at your school, Caveman - we can't just _forget_ about her like them! She's _different_! She's _worth_ remembering."

For some reason, I couldn't face them anymore. I felt angry, ashamed and miserable. With that, I stood up and stormed out of the Mess Hall, leaving the rest of D-tent to dwell upon my brilliance.

---

For the rest of the day, I didn't talk to them. I dug my own hole, they dug theirs. I ate my lunch by myself, they ate theirs together by a huge dirt pile, putting their heads together and muttering. Talking about me, no doubt. That only made me angrier.

While digging with much more vim than necessary, I felt a tiny bit of regret. And a bit sad, too, cos none of the guys were bothering to come and talk to me. I was even half hoping for an apology, although I knew that was outta the question. They hadn't _done_ anything wrong, really.

I hadn't endured a worse day at CGL, _ever_.

I dug in the hot sun, for the first time in months receiving small blisters because I was gripping onto the shovel so tightly. I had the 'tea towel' wrapped tightly around my head with my cap on top holding it in place, and not once did I open my mouth and joke around with the other guys.

Life had certainly become very dull.

I finished digging rather early, just about ten minutes after Armpit, and I went off to take a shower. I stood there with my eyes closed, letting the icy water wash away my thoughts and feelings.

Then came dinner. Still, the guys hadn't talked to me while they played pool and did their other leisurely stuff. They kept throwing me anxious looks, but I stood firm and ignored them.

I sighed.

This really was very dull.

Dinner was a very quiet affair. (I've always thought that word was weird. _Affair_. Makes me think of ladies cheating on their husbands with the fat and ugly milkman.)

X-Ray broke the silence with a sudden startlingness.

"So she meant everything to you?"

It took me a minute to answer. I was surprised and overwhelmingly grateful that he had spoken, surprised and confused at his question, then exasperated as I tried to think of an appropriate reply.

"Yes," I mumbled to my dinner.

"What X meant is," Magnet said seriously, leaning forward, "Do _we_ count at all?"

I looked up at them, puzzled. They looked back at me, clearly waiting for an answer.

"What d'ya mean?" I muttered again, looking back down.

"Are we your friends?" Zigzag asked bluntly, straight to the point.

"Course you are!" I exclaimed, horrified that they could think otherwise.

"Well, you're not really acting like it," Armpit said solemnly, and the guys nodded at this.

I frowned, "What?"

"We know she meant a lot to you... but there's no need to think it's the end of the world. I mean... remember us?" Zero asked quietly, looking at me right in the eye.

Geebez... you cannot look at that little dude without feeling all resentment and anger melt away.

"Yeah..." I realised how much of a jerk I had been, "Yeah... I didn't think of that..." I took a deep breath, "Sorry. I just... miss her."

"We miss her too," Caveman reassured, "It's just like what Zero said, though... it ain't the end of the world. We're still here. She's... not the only person you can talk to, you know. "

I nodded, unable to talk. They grinned at me.

"It's a'ight, man. No need to apologise. You're a jackarse all the time, but this time it was _abnormal._"

They nodded again, laughing as if X-Ray had just said something particularly witty.

I felt relieved and sort of... _happy_. I might not have Andii around anymore, but I'll always have these buddies of mine. I looked up at them, at their stupid grinning faces, and something emotional filled me.

At that exact precise moment (and please pay attention, for I'll _never_ become this mushy again) I wanted to tell them how much I appreciated them and their help... their friendship... their lame jokes... everything. OH, I LOVE YOU ALL!

But... _no_.

I'd never do that. I'm not the type.

So I smiled back, and it probably came out weak, because I honestly felt like bawling and hugging each of them, messing up their hair fondly and crooning all sorts of things like, "And _thank_ you for always being there for me in my darkest hours when no one else was around."

Zig clapped me on the shoulder and announced, "We have a winner!"

_That_ got me excited.

"I get a present?" I almost squealed.

"Well..." Zig looked around helplessly. The others all frowned at him in a "what the _heck_ are you talking about" kinda way.

"No," he finished sadly, "But - "

And something very odd indeed happened.

"Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!" sang a high-pitched, childish voice very loudly. All heads swivelled around to the Wreck Room door, looking for the source of the noise.

"D'you ever remember a guy whose voice hasn't broken yet?" Magnet wondered out loud.

But the voice didn't belong to a teenage boy whose testes hadn't popped yet. Instead, a tiny, miniscule, little, small, puny, teeny-weeny girl hardly visible had walked in, occasionally disappearing behind the pool table and couches but her squeaky little voice still very audible.

"AND ON THAT FARMY HAD SOME ELE-FANS, E-I-E-I-O!"

She peeked out from behind the television and froze. I guess we looked pretty odd. All the guys had fallen silent and were poking their heads out here and there for a better look. Zero had actually stood up on the bench and was now looking at her, transfixed, over my head.

There was silence for a very long time.

I'm pretty sure all of D-tent were as stunned as I was. And not just because she was under the idiotic impression that elephants could live on farms.

Finally, Zigzag broke the silence.

"Is it just me," he said audibly, looking avidly at the tiny girl who appeared to be petrified, "Or does the 'lil girl just keep gettin' shorter?"

The girl glanced at Zig, her eyes widened and she let out the worst scream I had ever heard in my whole life.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_...Good holy grapevine._

There was instant movement as everyone immediately yelped and groaned and clapped their hands over their ears. There was an outbreak of muttering and moans.

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the blonde lassie shrieked again, causing those sitting nearest to the Wreck Room to cover their ears in pain again. Crying hysterically, she whirled around and went tearing back out of the room.

That was certainly pleasant.

I lifted a finger and inserted it into my ear, twisting it around.

On that note, I wonder if my ears will ever be the same again.

All around me, I heard a lot of other people wonder out loud the same thing.

"Who," said X-Ray heavily, "Was _that_?"

My mind was swirling with a thousand different thoughts and hopes, but I was too frightened to voice any of them. _Mustn't get your hopes up, _I told myself scornfully. But at the same time, my heart was pounding madly and I was trembling with anticipation. Almost instinctively, I reached for my hair and smoothed it down.

...Shut up.

"Err - Zig?" Caveman said tentatively, "Did you say before that she was... she was... you know... _her_?"

The creature that had suddenly erupted in my chest seemed to be doing a sort of victory dance. My head buzzing like mad and my heart beating so wildly it might just leap right out of my chest and land on my plate, I tried to stop myself shaking. Why the _heck _am I feeling like this?

It's just... _her_.

You know.

_Her_.

Oh my goodness. I think I might be... inlovewithherorsomethingofthelike.

Oh boy. Take deep breaths, Squid. Breathe in... breathe out.

I caught snippets of the others' convo while trying out my new calming technique.

"Looked exactly... could be the same replica..."

"...blonde...?"

"...never that short... odd socks... useful for Christmas..."

Meanwhile, Pit was talking very loudly considering he was sitting _right at our table._

"HELLO? HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? CAN ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT BUZZING NOISE? DID YOU HEAR THAT LIL, LIL, MINI-GIRL BEFORE? _DID YOU HEAR HER_? HELLO? I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF. _HELLO_?"

"Oh shut _up_, for crying out loud."

With D-tent-cabin squabbling over pointless measures, with meaningful and amused glances at me every now and then (very annoying), and the rest of the Mess Hall muttering that they'd never hear things correctly again, and who in the living _follicle _was that dwarf that appeared out of nowhere, no one noticed (that is, of course, other than _me_, The Very Observant Man) that there was a new stranger in our midst and she was conversing softly yet (it seemed) quite cheerfully with Mr. Sir, who looked a tad bit shocked.

I, The Very Observant Man, also noted that the Aforementioned Dwarf who had blonde hair yet looks exactly like the girl I like very much was hiding behind the New Stranger, hugging her knees and sneaking peeks from behind her towards the boys who are still not getting over the fact that they heard a little five-year-old scream her lungs out and damage their ear hairs or whatever.

And those last two sentences were the longest I've ever thought.

Savour the moment.

"Who is that?" X-Ray said swiftly, cutting into the squabbling as he noticed the New Stranger who was still conversing with Mr. Sir, who still looks a tad bit shocked.

"I think - " I said before I could stop myself. _Quick! Finish the sentence in a random way so they'll never suspect you!_

"...I can hear a bird singing!"

"I don't think I'll ever be able to hear anything again," mumbled Magnet, massaging his ears.

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FAG?"

Rolling his eyes, X-Ray shot me a look before glancing over at the blonde lady again.

"You know what?" Zero said matter-of-factly, and I stiffened a little when I realised he was going to say aloud what I had been thinking, "I think that's Andii's family. That girl's her sister. She showed me a picture of her once."

For some reason, Caveman and X-Ray found this piece of information irritating.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?"

"Yeah! Forcing us to make these wild assumptions which could've been confirmed if you'd just _said so_."

"Well sor-_ree_."

"You should be!"

"SQUID!"

"Yes?" I inquired pleasantly, turning to X-Ray.

"Get over there, _now_!"

"Err - why?"

"Because they're _her family_, why else, you dolt? GO!"

"...NO!"

"GO!"

"NO!"

"GO!"

"I WILL _NOT_!"

I have overcome my fear of the Premature Heart-Attack Glare which X hurled at me fleetingly about fifty times during our yelling match. Now usually I wouldn't dare refusing him, but I was much more afraid of approaching the prominent parentals of the girl-I-kinda-fancy than getting whooped by X-Ray's visuals.

I chanced a glance over at Mr. Sir and the blonde woman whom I suppose is Andii's **_mother_**, and my insides plummeted as they usually so when I saw Mr. Sir look at me beadily, with a puzzled expression on his face. He kinda glared at me before turning back to the lady.

Now what have _I_ done?

"GO!"

I'd forgotten about X-Ray.

"NO!"

Pit was still trying to regain his hearing. Poor thing. He was now banging his ear lobes with a spoon.

So, with all the chaos of X-Ray and me yelling, Pit being weird, Zero and Caveman having a muttered, very fast and quite incoherent conversation, Zig singing, "She'll be comin' round to the Mess Hall when she comes!" and Magnet looking highly affronted like it was _our_ fault he was left not doing something worth taking note of, and the surrounding guys chattering about goodness-knows-what, I didn't notice that Mr. Sir had made his way over to me, with the lady and the little girl behind him.

"You."

I froze in the middle of saying "NO!" and turned around gingerly, bracing myself for the worst. The table fell quiet.

Mr. Sir was looking at me suspiciously, "Err... yeah... yer... the lady wants to talk to yeh! I dunno! Something of the like. Eh?" he looked hopefully at the woman who was now beside him.

She was looking at me with a sort of motherly smile, and I felt loads better.

She seems nice!

Before she could say anything, though, the little girl shrieked suddenly, jumping up and down. Cue for everyone else to clutch at their ears again and cry out in agony.

"Mummy! Mummy! _MUMMY_! Tha's him! Tha's the one Sis likes!"

"Leelee, I know. Please keep your voice down, honey. Remember what I told you about using your outdoor voice inside?" she had suddenly gone stern, looking at her tiny daughter expectantly.

"I know, I know."

The woman took a deep breath and turned to me again, the smile back on her face.

"Hello," she said warmly, "I'm - "

But we were interrupted _again_.

"HANNAAAAAAAAAH!"

Another young female voice, loud and obstinate, but it wasn't the 'lil girl's. I'd recognise hers anywhere.

"Hel_lo_!" a distinct male voice called out pleasantly when they saw who had entered, and this was followed by several wolf whistles and catcalls.

They better be glad I know it's not the 'lil girl, otherwise I'd bash them.

...Heh. Just kidding!

Sort of.

"Oh, shove _it_ you disgusting prats!" came a revolted voice, which stopped the boys cheering abruptly, all of them struck dumb that they would get this kind of response, "HANNAH!"

I was not in my right mind. I was overwhelmed, hella confused and very hungry. My senses weren't catching up with the situation and I was starting to feel as though this was all a big, fat dream.

The girl came crashing into the blonde lady who had been _trying_ to talk to me, sounding absolutely hysterical.

"Hannah! Ohmygosh! Andii's fallen down in a hole! I was trying to get her to come in here but then she kinda ran away and I heard her scream and now she's in a hole! And she says she can't get up! She says her foot hurts and I think her ankle may be broken but the hole was too deep for me to get her and I couldn't see her properly cos it's so dark! Ohmygosh! She could be seriously hurt! I dunno what to do! I dunno where Jay is! He wasn't in the car! I think he's lost! But Andii! She's in pain! We've gotta help her!"

I was still confused.

Very lost.

Rather insane.

Yet I couldn't help snorting in reply and saying, "She's _fine_."

Because, of course, I have very prominent ears and I heard and understood every word she had said. ANDII'S FALLEN INTO A HOLE AGAIN.

Everyone'll have a field day.

The girl, who was very pretty (hey, just observing here) with slight arrogant features on her Oriental face, was now looking at me with a frown. The lady also looked at me, surprised.

"Hey, _you_! I know you! You're that guy! You're _the_ guy! You're Squid!" the Asian girl exclaimed, recognition dawning on her face, "You've gotta go save her! Before she _dies_."

"I don't think she'll die, Claude," the lady said reasonably, though she continued to look worried, "Where _is_ Jay, the daft man...?"

"HELLO? HELLO? HEY, WHO ARE YOU? HEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO?"

The girl stared at Armpit, quirking an eyebrow.

Zig nudged me silently, as if to say, "What the heck is going on?"

"She won't die. I bet you anything she's faking it," I said calmly, subtly nudging Zig back to say, "_Shhh_! Agent Squid is working it out!"

"Oh yeah?" the girl named Claude said fiercely, glaring at me, "Why's that?"

"Because she's fallen in a hole before and she was _fine_. She was just a bit shaken up, so I carried her back," I informed her, my senses finally catching up with my surroundings.

Claude's defensive and fierce expression melted away, and she got a glassy look in her eyes, "Aw, really? That's so _sweet_! You have to go and get her, then, cos I dunno why she's lying to me that she's in pain otherwise. She'll listen to you."

I suddenly felt very, very small.

"Go... get her?" I said sheepishly, "Um... I don't think so..."

"And why not?"

"Cos... I was eating my dinner before you lot showed up! Rather hungry, am I!" I shoved a spoonful of rice into my mouth to emphasise my excuse.

"Oh shut up and go fetch her already!"

Wow. Great likeness to Andii. Demanding. Argumentative.

Slightly irritating.

"I - oh - _what_? Who _are_ you, anyway?" I burst out, after swallowing a bit too quickly.

"I'll answer that," the lady intervened swiftly, "Hello, I'm Hannah Williams. I'm Andii's mother. I take it that you know Andii. You two seemed to know each other pretty well from what my daughter told me. This is my other daughter, Cecily. She's a bit shy. _Stop poking your tongue out at the young man, Leelee. It's rude!_ And this is Andii's best friend, Claude."

It all came rushing back to me. What Andii had told me when she had told me the story of her cousin, Tina. _Her sister, Cecily. Her best friend, Claude._ How could I have forgotten?

"Ah," was all I could say, "I see."

And I felt very stupid.

"Go then!" Claude exploded, "Get her! Now! _Now_." She was whacking me on the arm and pushing me out of my seat, steering me towards the Wreck Room. I heard Magnet mutter, "What a beast..." The other stunned members of D-tent-cabin were absolutely bamboozled.

"Here, take this dear," called Hannah in a slightly harassed voice. I turned around, half in a daze, and just managed to catch the torch she tossed at me.

"Thanks," I said lamely, allowing myself to be pushed by the crazy girl. With one final shove, I stumbled out of the lit Wreck Room into the dark wasteland. I blinked rapidly.

"She's over there!" Claude said in a stage-whisper, pointing, "Talk to her, okay? Don't just _stand_ there!"

She pushed me again.

"Al_right_, I'm _going_!" I shot back, annoyed, and started to shuffle across the dirt.

"FASTER!" I heard her hiss behind me.

I moved just a tiny bit quicker, slightly dreading but mostly excited about the unknown possibilities of what would happen next.

I remembered something, though, and made a detour back to my cabin. I didn't hear Claude squawk at me angrily, so I guess she had gone back inside.

I had to get something before seeing Andii again.

---

**ANDII'S POV.**

So there. I've done it. I walked into a hole, stayed in a crumpled heap and lied to my best friend, telling her I was so injured I couldn't stand up.

Just so she won't force me into the Mess Hall to come face-to-face with _him_ again.

Oooh, dearie dearie me.

Claudey ran back, screaming her head off. Poor thing. She actually thinks I'm hurt. Well, I'll just have to continue faking it until someone slightly brainless like my father comes walking in, landing on top of me, so that I'll _really_ be in pain.

Ouch_ie_.

For now I'm sitting here, in total darkness, kind of bored.

At least I'm not in _there_.

I'm not ready. I'm still a bit... overwhelmed, I suppose. It's just Squid. But that's why I'm so nervous. It's _Squid._

And who knows what kind of disturbance Cecily and my mother has created? They are two very odd human beings, as I'm sure you've noticed, especially in Cecily's case. Combined with an odd camp full of odd boys, you could get quite a mess.

I am _not_ about to face _him_ again when everyone's in a pickle.

I THINK I FELT SOMETHING CRAWL AGAINST MY HAND.

OHMYGOODNESS.

I'M GOING TO DIE.

I'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIE.

...Oh, it's my bracelet slipping off.

False alarm.

Back to wallowing in self-pity.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Let's try and ignore the noise in the Mess Hall, shall we? The noise that I've missed so much over the past week.

Oooooh, nooooooooo.

I really want to see them again. I really want to see him again. But what are they gonna think of me? I just took off... like that... and now I'm back again? They aren't gonna welcome me with open arms... they're _teenage boys_.

Besides -

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I shrieked, throwing up my hands to shield my face as a beam of light shone right into my eyes. I'M BLIND, I'M BLIND!

"Claude!" I yelped, still thrashing wildly about like the drama queen I am, "Stop that!"

The great people of the above have something against me. Because, of course, the person rudely shining a torch in my face wasn't, in fact, Claude. Nope. Of _course_ it wasn't her. Since when has Merlin been nice to me? (Don't ask me where I got Merlin from.) _Because_ I thought it was Claude, it _wasn't_ her, but if I _hadn't_ thought it was her, it would have been her.

TO MAKE MATTERS LESS COMPLICATED, PAY ATTENTION TO THE NEXT LINE OF MY LOVELY STORY:

Through the dazzling light I made out the shadow of someone tall walking to the very edge of the hole. They crouched down, and at that moment I knew exactly who it was... and hated them dearly for it.

"Sup, 'lil girl."

Oh, _shoot._

I pretended I was part of the hole as he jumped down right beside me. I pretended there was no possible way he could see me through the darkness (even though he had a torch - shut up). I pretended he wasn't so close to me that I could feel his body warmth radiate and fill me up, making me suddenly very warm.

My mouth had gone very dry. I had gone very still.

"So," Squid said slowly, setting the torch onto the dirt so that it lit up the hole. I was very aware that he could see me now, and that I could see him too, and that we both had eyes and could see each other and oh my goodness I'm so bloody scared right now.

I SHAN'T LOOK AT HIM. NEVER!

I fixed my eye upon a speck of dirt. Spiffing, really.

The silence was killing me.

"Hi," I finally said evenly, still staring at the dirt and wishing I was a witch so I could charm it to do the Macarena to distract Squid. IF HE KEEPS LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT I WILL NOT SURVIVE THE NEXT FEW MINUTES.

NO.

NEVER!

DIE, SQUID, DIE!

WHERE'D THAT COME FROM?

WHY AM I YELLING AND SCREAMING IN MY HEAD?

THE BOTTLED EMOTIONS INSIDE! THE ANGER! THE MISERY! OH, THE _PAIN_!

I am such a _baka_.

"Hi," he said again, letting out a breath he had been holding.

"Hello," I replied so quickly and defensively I looked up to see his expression.

Big mistake.

He looked absolutely adorable.

His puppy dog brown eyes... his cute little nose... aww... I'm such a sucker for him... sigh... I could just stare at him all day... he is so cute... where's his tea towel, I missed that thing... I want a piggy-back... I...

Am so in love with this idiot.

"I am not!" I exclaimed in a hushed voice, sounding more awed than anything.

"You aren't what?" Squid asked, sounding confused and amused at the same time.

To my horror, I felt the blood rushing to my face.

I'm _blushing._

Oh, life has gone to the puppies.

That, or the hamster.

Never liked hamsters.

"Um," I said lamely, trying to think quickly, "I'm not... yellow."

"Yellow?" Squid raised an eyebrow and smirked, "I see you haven't changed."

"I see you haven't either!" I shot back hotly, going pinkish red. I glanced up and down, "Still wearing that horrible old orange jumpsuit, eh?"

He rolled his eyes, "You _really_ haven't changed, 'lil girl."

"Yeah, _well_," I suddenly felt a lot more comfortable, and I smacked him on the shoulder, "_You_, mister, are an ARSEHOLE. What d'you think you're doing, trying to take on three guys at once?"

Rubbing his shoulder, Squid looked at me with his... gorgeous eyes, and said defensively, "They called you _trash_! What was I supposed to do, sit there and let them continue it?"

"That would've been smart, arsehole!"

"Stop calling me an arsehole, stupid girl!"

I hit him again.

"OW!"

"Yeah, that's right!" I said triumphantly, "Who's the stupid girl now?"

"You," he muttered.

I lifted my hand to hit him, but he had learnt his lesson and he quickly reached out and grabbed onto my wrist.

Ah, sugar. Butterflies are breeding in my stomach.

Sorry, that was rather gross, wasn't it?

"Stop hitting me," he said dangerously softly.

"And if I don't?" I challenged, though without much gusto as I was gazing dreamily at him, at the same time I was screaming silently in my head. We were much too close... I'd never seen him so closely before... he has great eyelashes, you know...

"This," he smirked.

And he kissed me.

Right then and there.

In the darkness.

In a hole.

And you know what?

It was... nice and sweet.

When we broke off, I stared at him evilly. He looked at me a bit shyly at first, then raised his eyebrows.

"Well?" he asked, releasing my wrist slowly as he straightened up.

I took advantage of this and slapped him on the shoulder, "Well _what_, prat?"

"Now you're angry at me?" Squid sounded highly affronted, grabbing both my wrists this time.

"Of _course_ not!" I mumbled, rolling my eyes, as I struggled against him.

"Oh, good. Because I need to ask you something."

"Ask away," I said serenely, acting _a lot_ more cooler than I felt, because I was about to... well, explode is a nice word. With all the tension and stuff. You know. Normal, everyday life.

Squid bit his lip and cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed, "Err... well... the thing is... uh... PSYCHE!"

"_What_?" I gaped at him.

"Sorry... that was random... well, I'm gonna use the pick-up line Robert used..."

It took me two ticks to realise what he meant.

Narrowing my eyes, I hissed, "You're going to ask me if _I have balls_?"

"What, it doesn't flatter you?"

"Are you nuts?" I shrilled, breaking free of his grasp and batting his hands away, "Actually, no, don't answer that!"

"Hey, I was only kidding," Squid said reasonably, "But... you know... will you?" he asked hopefully.

I bit my lip to torture him, before blushing brilliantly pink as I nodded.

He beamed and kissed me _again_. Stupid prat.

I blushed some more.

Yay.

But I was happy. See that big grin on my face?

Hehe.

We enjoyed the first few minutes of being a couple (ehehe... that word is odd) and finally being with each other again. Then I said mischievously, "So... how's Claude?"

He smirked, "She's just like you. Absolutely feisty."

"Really?" I feigned hurt, "I thought she'd be hysterical, since she thought I was hurt."

Hehe.

I am so _excellent_ at pretending to be injured.

"Oh, yeah, she was," Squid said dismissively, "But then I told her you'd be fine, since you had already fallen in a hole before."

"Oi! You ruined it!"

"I know I did," he grinned at me and kissed me on the cheek. My stomach fluttered again and I couldn't help beaming and flushing pink.

"So," Squid said affectionately, "Let's go back then... um..." he looked heartily embarrassed, and honestly, I must've looked the same way too. _Go back and face everyone?_

Wuh oh.

"This is embarrassing," I muttered.

"I'll say."

"So what do we do? We can't stay down here forever."

"Why not? We could be like cave men."

"That's more of Caveman's territory."

"Whatever, 'lil girl. You make the lamest puns."

"You say the lamest things."

"Shut up. I'm getting out of here now."

"Go ahead."

Squid helped me back out of the hole, and we were both steadying ourselves when I heard my father give a shout. Squid and I immediately leapt apart, him trodding on my foot in the process so that I "instinctively" kicked him in the foot.

Both rubbing our victimised feet, we spun around guiltily.

"Hello, Daddy," I said a little too heartily, being sure to get as far away from Squid as possible.

But Daddy didn't seem to have heard me, "You!" he was saying in an almost awed voice, looking at Squid in wonder, "Alan Smith! That's you, right?"

"Err... yes, sir," Squid squeaked in a very small voice. I chanced a glance at him. He looked absolutely terrified. Hehe. That's so sweet.

"I know you! I know your grandparents! Well, everyone knows your grandparents, couldn't find finer people anywhere. But I don't suppose you remember them, then?"

I am _so_ embarrassed. Daddy rambles on about the most random things.

But to my surprise, Squid was biting his lip like he was thinking about something related to what Daddy was saying.

"No, not really," he finally answered quietly.

I frowned, "What's up?" I immediately demanded, turning to him, "How does my dad know your grandparents?"

Squid slowly turned to me. Daddy seemed to sense what was happening, because he turned around and walked off with a sort of _swagger _(which he only does if he's successfully proven Mum wrong - which only happens, like, _never_), calling over his shoulder, "Tell her, good man, and take her back to this splendid shack afterward!"

Splendid shack equals Mess Hall.

"What's going on?" I wanted to know, getting curiouser and curiouser, as soon as Daddy was out of earshot.

Squid was looking at the dirt. I glared at him, hands on my hips.

"Well?" I prompted, tapping my foot, "Dude!"

He looked up at me with those eyes - ah, someone throw a cream pie at me - and I almost forget to be stern with him. But I held my ground. No stupid chocolate brown eyes can ever prevail against me!

Hurrah! Andii rules!

Anywho.

"Um," he said sheepishly. He slowly eased himself into a sitting position on the ground, "You know... that story... well, not a story... but yeah... about that guy... can't remember his name... and ah... his parents... oh wait, his parents I should start with. You know those parents that were like..."

My mind had already wandered off elsewhere, as it always does when I'm in Science class.

BUT THIS IS SQUID! WHAT HE'S TELLING ME IS WHAT I _WANT_ TO KNOW!

"You are making no sense whatsoever," I resorted to say calmly.

Shooting me a slightly filthy look, Squid took a deep breath and said, "Okay. You grew up in Palmoilin, yeah?"

"Yeah," then something occurred to me, "Wait. How come you call it by its actual name? No one else does."

Looking uncomfortable, Squid answered carefully, "I... I used to live there."

Eh?

I must've looked confounded. (Whatever that means. For a better word, let's say _stunned_, shall we?)

"But," I spluttered, completely and _en masse_ stumped, "You can't have! I mean... once you buy a house there, it's stupid to move out! And you don't live there anymore, so you _must've_ moved out, because..."

I trailed off.

I looked at Squid beadily, "You're lying, aren't you?"

"No," he said with a sigh, looking up into the sky as though reminiscing, "We didn't move out... we were given the boot." And he looked at me _again_, right in the eyes, and I looked back, registering what he was saying.

"What?" I said instinctively, then, "..._Oh..._"

Then, "...No... way... you can't... not..."

Squid nodded remorsefully, "Yup."

_Oh._

_My._

_Jelly._

"You're their little boy? You're their son?" I said weakly, wave after wave of shock crashing down on me, "Your father... was James... your mother - "

"She was a drunk. Remember? Dad tried to protect her but we only ended up getting kicked out..."

I collapsed back onto the ground, stunned. We sat in respectful silence for a couple of minutes.

The news began to sink in deeper.

"Wait," I whispered, looking at Squid with a frown, "That means... your grandparents... they're the great Charlie and Christina Smith?"

"Yeah, that's them... wait, the great?" he looked confused, "What's so great about them?"

"Are you kidding me? The richest of the richest, most respected people ever! Really nice, you know. They bought me a dollhouse for my fourth birthday." I still remember that. I _love_ that dollhouse.

"You _know_ them?"

"Everyone knows them! Everyone loves them! And of course, everyone feels sorry for them because of that scandal with their son and that outsider girl. I mean..." I immediately felt stupid, "Err... your parents, I suppose."

Squid went quiet.

I dunno what possessed me to do it, but I felt a sudden upsurge of affection for the boy sitting across me, and I crawled over and hugged him. I felt like I _had_ to do something to show that I cared about him... a lot.

He was surprised. I knew it. He hadn't expected it. I knew it. But he was grateful all the same. I knew it. He reached up and held my head, and we were quiet for a little while.

"Where's your father?" I asked him quietly.

I slowly released him and Squid managed a small smile, "I dunno. Took off when I was still little, remember?"

"Oh..." I paused to think, "Did you know they were looking for you?" I said softly, taking his hand.

"Who are?" he asked almost instantly, looking down at my hand in his.

"Your grandparents."

And we fell quiet again.

I knew what was going on in his mind. A family... a real family, one that he never had, or at least never remembered. People who cared about him... people who had known him since birth.

"Would you... go back to them?" I almost whispered. Talking loudly seemed totally out of place.

Squid half-smiled and squeezed my hand, "I dunno... I... forget it for now. Everyone's probably wondering where we are. Let's go, okay?"

I had hundreds more questions, but I decided to leave it to later. Nodding, I stood up and then pulled him up as well. Hand in hand, we went back to the Mess Hall.

We had a noisy greeting.

" 'LIL GIRL!" Zig yelled, rushing over to me and almost knocking me and Squid over with a hug, "HEY THERE! I KNEW YOU'D BE BACK! THEY WERE TELLING ME YOU WERE!"

The rest of D-tent came crowding around, hugging me and shaking Squid's hand and doing all sorts of random things. I couldn't help grinning my head off. My cheeks hurt from too much smiling.

"HEY! IT'S THE 'LIL CHICKA! HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?" Armpit hollered, "GEEZ, DUNNO HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ASKED THAT BUT NO ONE EVER ANSWERS."

"WE - CAN - HEAR - YOU - LOUD - AND - _CLEAR_!" bellowed Magnet right into Pit's ear.

Armpit turned to him vaguely, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Shaking my head, I hugged Zero and Caveman again, both whom were talking very rapidly and filling me in on everything I had missed at CGL. While they were talking, I noticed Claude standing near the C-tent table, talking out of the corner of her mouth to a dark-haired boy with blue eyes, who was smirking at her. I laughed out loud.

"So," X-Ray said knowingly, and they all crowded in front of me and Squid, almost like a _mafia_, "You guys... sorted it out, yet?"

Ai, the stupid smirks on their faces were infuriating.

"Yeah, we have," Squid said brightly, while I blushed for the umpteenth time that evening, "I'm hungry, let's eat!"

"I'm hungry too!" squealed Cecily.

"Well, there's food in the car, Leelee, you can get some of tha - oh, dear, I don't think you should eat that," my mother said most anxiously, watching as my baby sister took a bit of X-Ray's bread and nibbled on it.

I laughed again. Feeling ten times fonder of her, I picked her up in my arms and squeezed her. She giggled and threw her little arms around me.

In about five minutes' time, the seven members of D-tent, my parents and Claude were squeezed at the bench. Plates of food were on the table in front of us. I grinned as I remembered my first impression of the _obscure_ food. Claude's current facial expression forcefully reminded me of that. Cecily was sitting on my lap and I was sitting between my parents. Mum said grace. The others followed her lead. Then we began to eat.

And talk.

And laugh.

And eat some more.

And make a whole lot of noise.

Magnet was arguing with Claude about animals. Claude hates them, you see. She's scared, more like.

Caveman was talking to my parents about his father, who's an inventor. My parents were very interested, especially my dad.

Squid and Armpit were having an eating race, being egged on by X-Ray and me.

Zig was entertaining Cecily by doing weird things with his food. She screamed with laughter and applauded.

After dinner, my father stood up to make a toast.

I know, _a toast._

I know, _my father_.

I know, _stood up_.

All of us held our cups of water up, looking at him expectantly and uncertainly. Actually, I felt like running away, and by the looks of it, so did Mum.

"To," Daddy said with dignity, as if he were about to say the most inspiring and passionate words ever, "Everyone."

We were all a bit stumped.

Daddy took a swig of his water.

Glancing around at each other, we lifted our cups to our mouth as well, half-heartily going, "Oh, yeah, to everyone, that's a great toast, really, yeah, excellent, brilliant!"

Then _Armpit_ stood up.

"Uh oh," mumbled Magnet, looking apprehensive.

"TO," Armpit started proudly, holding his cup high in the air and beaming, "GOOD FOOD."

GOOD _WHAT_?

_WHAT_ FOOD?

We didn't bother to hide our "_what the follicle?_" looks this time.

Daddy, however, slapped the bench with his hand and said loudly, "That's right, good man, to good food!" And he hit Armpit's cup with his own with such force that water slopped all over the table. The two didn't seem to notice. They cheered loudly.

Claude looked a tiny bit scared now.

But by now, everyone else was standing up, and we were all soon making extravagant toasts, much to the open-mouthed stares of the other tent-cabin tables, Mr. Sir, Mr. Pendanski (my _old_ best friend :D) and the Warden woman.

"To CGL!"

"To spoons!"

"To tables!"

"To dirt!"

"To holes!"

"To shovels!"

"To friends!"

"To brotherhood!"

"And don't forget sisterhood!" Claude even piped up.

"Barbie dolls!" squealed Cecily.

Amidst all this, I grinned and laughed. Daddy's toast, come to think of it, really made sense.

To _everyone_.

All of us. Rich and poor. Intelligent and average.

Because we're all people and we can find companionship with one another.

And the saying, '_birds of a feather, flock together_' ?

Doesn't mean anything.

"TO HONESTY!"

That, no matter how thick some may find me to be, is something I have learnt.

"TO SEXY HAIR!"

"_What_ the..."

I was perfectly happy. I was with the two different groups of people who made me happiest, and we were all together. I was with Squid... sweet Squid, and we had each other. Even Claude seems to have meshed well with the CGL boys, as she had gone back to talking with the dark-haired C-tent boy.

We were singing... cheering... talking... and laughing. My dignified (well, not _really_) parents having eating competitions with the boys... my boys-hating sister playing with Zero's hair... and me... grinning my head off and feeling a bit teary.

I guess coming out to the middle of nowhere in the kentucky-fried-desert has its merits, after all.

----------

A/N: UGH! UGH! THAT WAS AWFUL! Not at _all_ what I wanted. :( I feel so bad now, because I made you all wait for so long and... _this_ is what you get. Siiigh. The epilogue will be better, I promise. :) Hehe. Please give me your honest opinion of this chapter... I need to hear it to make me write better. Thank you _so_ much for the reviews... oh my gosh that's all I seem to say to you guys. I dunno how to tell you how much it means to me... it makes me smile so much. :) Thanks guys, you really brighten up my day. :) The humor in this chapter is quite strained, as it has been for the past few chapters actually. It doesn't flow anymore. I will update within the next two weeks. I promise! _(holds out pinky_)

I had a lovely birthday, thank you. :) And I'm really, really, really glad you guys like this story so much, and that it makes you laugh and everything. I feel so proud when I read things like that! You guys are so sweet:) Dunno what I'd do without you. And there's almost 500 reviews... WOW! That's amazing, it really is! I can't believe it! I AM ABSOLUTELY GOBSMACKED. Thank you! Arrigato! Er... grazie! Dor jer! Hehe! Okay! Bye for now! But not for long! I _promise!_ - msq.

_Chapter 25 - Epilogueness: a series of letters, notes, diary entries and so on._ :) PS. ANY LOOSE ENDS? COZ I'M BOUND TO FORGET SOME STUFF! ASK IN A REVIEW AND I'LL BE SURE TO ANSWER IT (IF IT'S ANSWERABLE) IN THE EPILOGUE-STORYNESS!

_Chapter 26 - Replies and credits and a short A/N. _:) _Don't worry, I'll disguise this so that ff net won't remove MY WHOLE STORY AGAIN. _:(

_La Fin._


	26. Contemplating: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will!

**The Inspection Of CGL**

**Epilogue ll Contemplating: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?**

**

* * *

**

Dear Princess,

Everything's fine here. Everyone's fine. The camp is fine. The digging is fine. Really, CGL can't get any finer than this -

YOU GOTTA GET ME OUT OF HERE!

X just left the room - he was reading over my shoulder. Now I can tell you the truth! The standards of Camp Green Lake have deteriorated. OVERWHELMINGLY. For breakfast, guess what we got.

Rice pudding.

(I can just hear you now - _"Ewww!"_) And I agree; it's gross. All lumpy and flavourless as if we were eating stewed cardboard. I can't believe we had to eat it. Even Armpit ate slower than usual, and that, squire, is revolutionary.

The other guys are okay, I guess. Zig's refusing to stop wearing a piece of aluminum foil on his head. We dunno if he's fooling around or if he's seriously lost his marbles this time.

We all miss you of course. Magnet and Caveman even wrote a poem for you, but the piece of paper got caught up in Armpit's shower towel and no one wants to touch it now. The ink's run everywhere and typical them, they can't remember what they wrote.

I gotta hand it to you, you certainly left in style. Bumping your head on the car – real smooth. You'll start a trend. Then your sister almost fell out of the window trying to wave to us. She's becoming more like you everyday! Heh, just teasing 'lil girl.

Seb - you know that black-haired dude your friend Claude was talking to? - keeps talking to me about her. I think he really likes her, for all he says about her being rich trash (ironic, eh?) and all that. It sounds like they already knew each other beforehand...?

Anyway, X just came back in and wants to play pool. I guess I'll finish this up and drop it in the mail box. Don't give yourself a paper cut opening this letter.

Cheers, Squid.

* * *

Dear Squid,

I'm glad you're thinking about me and writing to me! It brings me great joy to know that your mind is upon me day and night, night and daaaaaaay...

You scared yet? Haha.

Why on earth did you have to keep writing "fine" just cos X-Ray was reading over your shoulder? Have I missed something? Did X become the new Warden? Is he suppressing you all with his reign of terror? Making you consume rice pudding every meal of the day? Mmmm.

Rice pudding is delicious, don't you dare speak ill of it again!

Zig's abnormal behaviour should wear off soon, right? It always does. Remember when he chased me with a shovel? But I hope he never changes. He's so very funny and entertaining. It's what makes Zig, Zig. Does that make sense?

Ngaww, _do_ say thank you to dearest Magnet and Caveman for me, even if I never get to hear the beloved poem. :)

Hey, do you know the kind of bruise I have on my head now? I don't think it can be called just a bruise, more... a permanent mark of PAIN!

I wish Cecily did fall out... she's becoming so annoying these days I wish SHE NEVER LEFT MY MOTHER'S WOMB.

Just kidding. :) I love my sister, even if she is at that troublesome age.

Claude had a pen pal at CGL. No wonder why she was so eager to come all the way out to the desert with me and my family! It turns out I wasn't the only correspondent between CGL and Palmoilin. After I left, they picked a couple of kids from my school and made them write letters to you guys (or I'm assuming the guys of other tents, seeing as none of you ever mentioned a letter) as part of an English assignment.

I know, I was laughing for ten minutes when she told me.

But I can't believe Claude the evil girl never told me! I don't think she was planning to at all, but I can be_ very_ persuasive.

Unfortunately for my dearest friend (she hates writing), she got picked, and her lovely little letter (consisted of five words, I believe) was received by none other than Mr. Sebastian. (Dark-haired C-tent guy - Seb, I take it?) Hehe, I think she likes him too. LET'S PLAY MATCHMAKER. We can be the Cupid and Cupidette of Camp Green Lake-Palmoilin uniting programme!

I miss all of you guys. Hope you enjoyed your game of pool. And write back soon!

Lots of hugs, Andii.

* * *

_Andiimania_ –

Check out Renee's new hair cut. …Unique, no? Anyway, regarding the letter you're sending to MR SQUID YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND (puehehe) – what do you mean "no wonder" I went out into the middle of the desert? Hmph, I would have gone with you regardless, even if there was no idiot named Sebastian insert-last-name residing there.

And I never told you cos it slipped my mind. Or I was shy about it. SO THERE.

…AND I DO NOT LIKE SEB. If you play matchmaker, I will hire a hitman. To assassinate you. And then I will bury you. In my backyard. Under the willow tree.

The end. :)

_s2 claude_.

* * *

_Ms Claudette_ –

PASSING NOTES IS NAUGHTY. I REFUSE TO COMPLY.

…HOWEVER, I MUST SAY THAT YOUR HEART IS FILLED WITH AFFECTION FOR THIS SUBJECT NAMED 'SEB'. DO YOU DENY IT?

_Andii_

PS. Do you know how annoying that _s2_ thing is? A heart? That is not a heart! It is an "es" and a "tooh". Which, when combined, makes no sense whatsoever! Hmph.

* * *

_To a soon-to-be deceased Andii –_

Do you know how rude it is to write IN CAPITAL LETTERS? In Asian culture, you would be disowned by your family. No kidding.

_s2 claude._

_

* * *

_

_To my darling Claudette who is still in denial –_

You will be pleased to hear that I have not a drop of oriental blood in me. Therefore I do not need to be worried about disownment. :)

_c5 andii_

_

* * *

_

_Andii –_

WHAT THE HECK IS _c5_?

_s2 claude._

_

* * *

_

_Claude –_

Err… Calcium subscript 5?

_c5 Andii._

_

* * *

_

_Andii –_

… The symbol for Calcium is 'Ca', not 'C'.

_s2 claude._

_

* * *

_

Dear Andii,

OH. MY. GUARDIANS.

You will never guess what's happened! You probably already know a bit of it... but WHOA. I'll leave you some space to guess, okay? Because it's THAT huge.

.

.

.

.

.

AHH FORGET IT I'll just tell you. It's so long and complicated. Where to start. OKAY, well. The AG visited us! With this small group of people, all wearing suits and looking really pro. I dunno why you don't like him, he seemed pretty cool. Apparently they came because of your reports, and they wanted to check the camp out for themselves. Naturally the Warden and Mr. Sir were shaking in their boots when they saw them. Heh. Serves them right, they've been TORTURING us guys for months!

So anyway, to suck up to them the Warden told us we only had to dig two-feet holes for the next week or so. PAAAAAAARRRRRTY. It probably doesn't seem like much but hey, you've never had to dig yourself. (Except when we rescued Clover - but that's completely different.)

Digging's suddenly become a blast and we all have a laugh out there. But anyway, the other day, Caveman and Zero were having this digging competition even though we knew Zero the lovable mole was gonna win. They were digging beside each other so their holes would eventually merge into one. The rest of us were rooting them on and cheering when suddenly there's this THUD and they both stop digging.

THERE WAS A BOX OF TREASURE!

I'll leave you some space to get over the shock.

.

.

.

.

.

A BOX OF TREASURE! It was actually a suitcase. But it was hectic! We almost crushed Zero to crowd around and look at it, and GUESS. WHAT?

It's got Caveman's name on it. Stanley Yanoulis or something like that.

Yeah, I'll give you some more space...

.

.

.

.

.

.

And we're all like, "What the heck is his name doing on this box?" and then Zero said, "Well obviously it belongs to him." And we all turn to Caveman and demand why he's never told us his worldly possessions are buried out in the middle of nowhere, but he's so shocked himself he looks like a stunned mullet.

Of course, we all start talking about how we can open it, but then the AG and everyone walks over. Right on cue, eh? It was like fate. There was a new lady, Ms. Monkey or something of the like, who can talk like crazy. Man, she was one wicked lady! She was yelling at the AG and the Warden and everyone, saying something about keeping someone shut up for no liable reason bla bla bla bla bla. Anyway, turns out she's Caveman's lawyer.

Yup. Caveman's got a box of worldly possessions he's never known about, and a lawyer!

That's when the Warden saw the suitcase and she went BALLISTIC. Started screaming and shrieking and yelling and throwing a tantrum.

Oh, it's dinner now. I'll write more later. So how was your day?

Great. We had hot dogs. I'll smudge some tomato sauce on this letter for you to show you what you're missing out on.

Oops. Those words that are now smudged read "so how was your day?"

Okay, so the Warden was screaming and everything, diving and trying to grab the suitcase, and poor lil Zero was hugging it and trying to avoid getting hit by the crazy woman. He only managed to escape her wrath because we stood around him. She looked a little worse for wear, to tell you the truth. The adults tried to restrain her, but I've never seen anyone so hysterical. Made me almost feel sorry for her.

Ms. Monkey came out and asked which one was Stanley, and Caveman squeaked and put his hand up. She said something about him being released cos he's not actually guilty of the crime he was convicted for, and to hurry up and pack up his stuff already cos they were going back home.

The many shocks that must have hit the Caveman that day. We braced ourselves for a passing out.

I can't exactly remember what happened next. I think we all moved back to the compound... the AG made the people give us sodas (he is my idol) and sat us down in the Mess Hall. He explained that CGL was going to be closed down in two months, and the others whooped like they'd never whooped before. Ahh... that was excellent. Then Caveman told Ms. Monkey flat out that he didn't want to leave yet. And she pursed her lips and went all huffy, but then in the end she agreed. And they talked a bit more and she eventually took the suitcase to give to Caveman's parents or something, and she went off in her jaguar and we all waved her off happily.

Oh and another thing, Caveman said something about splitting what's inside the suitcase with Zero, cos he helped him find it. Something about treasure from Kissin' Kate Barlow, you know that outlaw who used to roam around Texas?

We didn't get it either, but then again, it doesn't concern us. And we were still celebrating the downfall of CGL!

Andii, this is one really long letter. My hand hurts. A testament to how much I want to explain things to you. So be happy!

The Warden, Mr. Sir and Mum got pulled off elsewhere... jail, I heard. Dunno why, really. They're not… that bad.

Anyway, now the AG's taken over the camp and we're all having a blast over here! Everyone's really excited about going back home too. I caught X-Ray looking at a photograph of him and his parents when he was ten. Caveman and Zero were supposed to go back with Ms. Monkey (Zero too because, for some reason, the camp's lost his files about him so he technically doesn't exist) but they're staying with us until camp officially shuts down.

There are just a few problems, though, because some of the guys don't really have anywhere to go back to. Zero, for one, he was living on the streets when he was arrested. Did you know that? Man... that lil guy doesn't deserve the life he's got. And Zig, his old foster parents don't want anything to do with him. But there's good news too, like X-Ray, which I've already told you about, and Armpit mumbled something about "his mother" and "apology". And at any rate, the AG and his workers are all working on getting homes for Zig and Zero (Caveman offered him to stay with him and his family - nice kid, that Caveman) and yeah, it's all good. Or it will be.

I've never seen these guys happier, it really makes me smile. Well 'lil girl, I hope you're happy too. So really, how was your day?

Haha, I miss you too, princess, and you can make me do a lot of things but I will _not_ play match maker.

Love, Squid.

* * *

_**We're so thankful to you for your generous gifts this past holiday season and throughout the year.**_

**THANK YOU!**

Dear Lil Gal/Chicka,

Sorry about the card - Magnet nicked it from Mr. Sir's office yonks ago, and it's the only thank you card we've got. Anyway, just wanted to say

T  
H  
A  
N  
K

Y  
O  
U!

You rule, Lil Girl! We still can't believe you got them to close the camp down! We take back whatever we may have said about you being a klutz (well, you still are, says your lover-boy) and a total ditz! Haha, you rock our socks. :) We LOVE YOU! And we miss you heaps, but don't worry, we'll see you soon.

too much love to be contained in this card, **  
X-RAY. **_  
armpit _  
ZiG-zAg  
ZERO  
Caveman  
magnet _  
Squid_.

* * *

Dear Mum,

You've probably heard by now that the camp I'm at is closing down soon, so I'm gonna be home earlier than planned. And... I'm sorry I took off without saying goodbye. Say hi to Lukie for me and tell him his big bro's coming back soon. I love you Mum.

From Theodore.

* * *

Dearest Squid,

Oh, my day was normal. We have to read a book called To Kill A Mockingbird and write an essay on it. It's painful.

Wow, I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED! That's amazing! And thanks for the large spaces - if it weren't for them I'd probably have fainted. Well, I'm really glad that everything's good now. What are you guys doing then if you're not digging holes?

HOT DOGS? That's not fair! The best dinner I ever got at CGL was those chicken and vegetable pies. Hmph.

So the three amigos were sent to jail? Holy cow! They must hate me now. I never meant for them to get arrested… In fact, my reports on them weren't that bad. I wrote useless stuff, like how Mr. Sir doesn't shave often enough.

So huh? How was that criminal?

Ooh, I've heard of KKB... she used to kiss her victims. That treasure thing with Caveman's is a little mysterious, like something out of a story book, but I'm really glad he's got it. He and Zero deserve it.

Hehe, the thank you card you guys sent me was beautiful. A picture of a cow and everything. Spiffing. :)

Hey... you've told me about Zig and X and stuff, but what about you? Are you going back to live with your mum?

I'm sorry I can't write you a longer and better letter... I'm tired and I really want to send this to you so I can see your writing again. (Yes, that is the extent to which I miss you.) I wish I was back at CGL, to tell you the truth, sounds like you're having a ball... without me... SNIFF. I miss all of you so, so, _so _much. There's too much love in this letter as well!

I found this quote. I found it confusing yet amusing. Prepare for some major head-spinning!

_'To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.' _- Woody Allen.

Love, Andii.

* * *

**MAGNET! OVER HERE! ON YOUR PILLOW! IT'S A NOTE FOR YOU! YUP!**

Hey Mag. I took your soap cuz I lost mine. Hope ya don't mind.

peace, _pit_.

* * *

Dear Claude,

Welly welly, I finally got to meet the infamous Miss Claudette Chang. Ha, it was nice to finally meet you and to see how much you lied to me in your letters. No kidding; you wrote in one of your first letters that you were a "fat, ugly, little pimpled girl with a secret love for comics and collecting buttons." That was just to make me stop writing to you, wasn't it? Haha.

And hey, why'd you get so angry at me for? I just told Bounce to lay off; don't tell me you liked the way he was looking at you. For a fat, ugly, pimpled little girl, a lot of the guys sure were checking you out a lot and I made them stop. Still angry?

Love, Seb.

* * *

Dear_est_ 'lil girl,

Nice quote. I miss you, too… Cannot believe I wrote that. Don't show anyone, yeah? Only for your eyes.

We took a photo for you, though. It's only just developed and one of our rare copies so treasure it.

Yeah, we're all wearing brown paper bags on our head. Thanks to Zig. But other than that, it's a nice photo.

It's funny that you asked where I'm going to go, because the AG just called me into his (used to be Mr. Sir's) office and had a little talk with me. They can't find my mum. She's disappeared. Probably run off with her newest boyfriend… He asked me if I had any other relatives, and obviously I don't. So they're looking for a foster family for me, but their hopes aren't high because they've been looking for foster families for a lot of other guys, and to be honest no one really wants to adopt a teenage juvenile delinquent.

We're really busy now, doing all sorts of activities. Well, we're doing cooking (shut up) and other recreational stuff, like all these games that build up our general ability and whatnot. It's kind of hard to explain. But it's awesome. Beats digging, anyhow.

Don't study too hard, 'lil girl. Wouldn't want you to stress out. How's little Cecily doing? And your parents? They were cool people, especially your dad.

Anyway, really need to go. Take care of yourself because I'm all the way over here and can't do it for you.

Love, Squid.

* * *

Dearest Theodore,

You have no idea how happy it made me to see your writing again. I've missed you so much, sweetheart. Lukie and I are overjoyed to hear you are coming home very soon. I think you'll be glad to hear that I've stopped seeing Jeremy. For several months, actually. I hope you're doing well. I'm really sorry now that I haven't written to you at all. I've been so stubborn. We've both been so stubborn. I can't believe it was you who stopped this nonsense. It shows I haven't really grown up, right? But you have. You're so mature now, Theodore. It brings tears to my eyes to realise how much you've grown up. I remember when you were still a little toddler, you came up to me and said that you wanted -

_(this letter goes on and on, but it's really boring)_

I love you, Theodore my darling. You are my heart, my soul and my joy.

Lots of love, Mum.

* * *

_Mood: sleepy/relieved  
Time: 10:01pm_

Dear Diary,

Haven't heard from me in awhile, have ya? :) I'm dead on my feet with all the homework I've got. Anyway, about Squiddy and the rest of them. I talked to my mum about that. She says she'll sort it out. My mum is great. Ugh... I'm so tiredddddddddd

* * *

**Andii! There's a note on the fridge for you!**

Morning, sleepy-head! There's pancakes in the microwave for you, if you want. I've taken Leelee out to the beach, if you wanna join us just walk by and you'll find us... probably building a sandcastle. Otherwise, we'll be back by midday with some lunch. Anyway, about what you told me last night, I talked to your father about it. We're planning to visit dear old Charlie and Christina Smith tonight to talk to them about it. They're wonderful people, I'm sure everything will go well. By the way, don't drink the milk inside here; it's expired.

Mum xoxo.

* * *

From: Claudette WS Chang   
Sent: _Saturday, 5:34 PM _  
To: andii   
Subject: (none)

Hello my friend. I'm so bored and… kind of fuming. Because Seb had the nerve to continue writing to me! And to make matters worse, his letter was like five lines long. I am not replying to that _thing_.

He is kinda cute, though, isn't he? Oh, NO. I will not think about him. I'm going to call you now.

_s2 claude_.

* * *

Dear Seb,

I'm not sure if you're complimenting me or not by calling me a liar, but I do have a secret love for collecting buttons and comics. So there.

And you do not OWN me! You had no right to yell at those guys and say that I'm yours. I mean, WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

UNfaithfully,  
Claude.

* * *

Dear Andii,

Hey... I haven't heard from you in awhile. You're not angry at me, are you? Please don't... I'm sorry! Seb over here is all annoyed and heartbroken cos your bestie is being a bit _rude_ to him. Now, I met her and I liked her and everything, but Claude can be a little… stubborn. Still, I think she's cool. Tell her to forgive Seb for whatever stupid thing he's done, cos he's starting to annoy me.

We had a really good day today. We had to do this thing where we stacked as many crates on top of each other to make the highest tower. It was mad. Zigzag and I almost won, but Zero and Caveman managed to put one more crate on top of theirs before it all collapsed. So they won. Tcah.

Still no luck with a foster family for me, but I didn't expect anything else. Zig's good, though. They've got a really nice couple who are willing to take him in, and they've already got two adopted kids so that should be good. Zig's good with kids, contrary to belief. They like his imagination. Zero's staying with Caveman's family, they said it's fine. It's only temporary. Zero said something about finding his mother. Do you know where his parents are?

X, Pit and Magnet are all fit to go back home to their families. Magnet got sent a bunch of flowers from his adoring sisters. Heh - he went full red when he saw them, but we know he loves it. We paid him out for the rest of the week, though. They're all so excited about going back home. I'm not sure... I've been happiest here at camp, to tell you the truth.

Please reply soon. I've missed seeing your writing.

Love, Squid.

* * *

From: Andromeda Williams   
Sent: _Sunday, 7:23 PM _  
To: Claudey   
Subject: :O

OMO! My parents talked to Squid's grandparents, and - OH MY GOSH! They are SO happy to hear about him! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They cannot wait to see him again. AHHH! I'm screaming with happiness over here! I'm gonna write a letter to him now! I'm online, but where are you? Hmmm? See, Cupidette has prevailed. I didn't have to do anything and you _admit_ you luff Seb. Ngaww. Love eez een zee airrr.

_c5 andii_.

* * *

DEAR ALAN!

What do you mean, you don't have any other relatives?

YOUR GRANDPARENTS! THE ONES LIVING IN PAL! THE ONES WHO'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU FOR OVER TEN YEARS! THE ONES WHO ARE ECSTATIC TO HAVE FINALLY FIND YOU, AND WHO ARE PERFECTLY WILLING AND HAPPY TO TAKE YOU INTO THEIR HOME AND SPOIL YOU STUPID!

Yes, Squid, you have a home.

Near me. :)

OKAY.

HERE'S YOUR SPACE!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Don't pass out! Still more writing to come!

I told my mum and she took matters into her own hands. She and my dad went to visit your grandparents, had some tea and biscuits, and SHA ZAAM. The rest, they say, is history. They're so happy to know where you are, though, of course, not that pleased to hear you're in a correctional facility. But they're still really glad to know you're... well... _alive_. They want to know where your father is, too, but I guess there's no luck there.

Don't worry about a thing, because they've contacted the AG and everything and made sure he knows that you don't need a foster family anymore. :) This is crazy, eh?

Here's some more space.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

That was sweet of you to write a second letter! No, I'm not angry at you. I wanted to wait for my parents' responses before writing to you again. Firstly, I love the photo. I love it so much I've framed it and put it on my bedside table, so every morning I wake up to your sweet faces and paper bags.

Cecily's great. She's always asking about you and the other guys. I think she has some sort of little girl crush on you. Well you're MINE. :)

And the parentals are great too. Daddy's euphoric because his favourite football team won the grand finals. He keeps parading around the house wearing his football jersey, roaring some obscure war cry.

Hmm... no luck with Seb there. According to Claude, he made it seem like he owns her. Claude hates being classified as someone's 'property'. She's very independent. So… either Seb grovels, or she's gonna hold a grudge for the rest of her life. So go wish Seb good luck. Hehe.

We did that crate thing at camp a year ago. It was pretty scary. We had to wear helmets and everything in case they fell on our heads. Anyway, none of us got a concussion so what a waste of time.

I'm really glad that they've all got homes to go back to, especially Zig and Zero. Tell them I said hi and give them all a big hug for me! (But if you don't want to, that's okay. The hug, I mean. You've got to say hi.)

Aww... Squid, have you ever told them that you've been happiest with them? I think you should... you're all going your separate ways soon.

Lots of love, Andii.

* * *

Dear ANDROMEDA,

**You are amazing and I love you****.** Did I ever tell you that?

I completely forgot about my grandparents. My grandparents. Whoa… that sounds weird.

It was so strange. I got called into the AG's office again, and I thought maybe they'd found a family for me. Well, turns out they did, but not exactly what I expected.

When I see you I'm gonna give you the hugest hug ever! (Again, this letter is for your eyes only.)

Tell your parents THANKS A MILLION as well.

Anyway... my grandparents called last night to talk to me. It was so... weird. I mean, I've never met them before. Well, I guess I have… and they did sound a little familiar... but I dunno. It's all a blur. These memories are so distant I didn't even think they were real. I've forgotten everything about my childhood.

My grandmother was crying... it was pretty bad. But I dunno – it hurt me too. Yeah and it feels so weird calling them my grandparents. They're next to total strangers to me. They did keep asking about my dad, but I couldn't tell them much. They sounded really heartbroken but happy at the same time... kept saying how much they loved me, and all that stuff. It was really embarrassing. But I dunno... I liked it. So this is what it's like to have a family, huh?

Wait... I just thought of something. If they live in Palmoilin... and I'm to live with them...

Holy cow.

This is nuts.

I guess you're stuck with me now, 'lil girl. Heh.

Sent the boy their hi's and - err - virtual hugs. No, I haven't told them. You wouldn't understand, it's just not something a guy would do.

Miss you, Squid.

* * *

From: Claudette WS Chang   
Sent: _Wednesday, 9:56 AM _  
To: andii   
Subject: hmmm?

Commerce is such a bludge. And Di, _love eez een zee air?_ What's wrong with you, woman? I'm happy for Squid though. Don't scream too much with happiness, dearie. If he finds out how much you love him, he'll have you wrapped around his little finger forever. And I won't be able to help you there.

And I don't like Seb. Where did that come from? Where are all these wild assumptions coming from? Ugh… Di… help me!

_s2 claude_.

* * *

Dear Claude,

I'm so very very sorry for saying that. I know you're not owned by anyone, the words just came out that way! I didn't like the way he was looking at you – is that so bad? I got angry. And I wanted to protect you. But my words came all jumbled up in my righteous anger. Forgive me yet? Anyway, I'm really sorry. Really.

You can't stay mad at me after this.

Love, Seb.

* * *

Dear Claude,

I said I'm sorry! What more do you want me to do?

Love, Seb.

CLAUDE

STOP IGNORING ME YOU LITTLE SNOB! I ALREADY SAID I WAS SORRY, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHY ARE YOU BEING SO HARSH FOR? YOU'RE THE MOST STUBBORN GIRL I'VE MET.

SEB.

* * *

From: Andromeda Williams   
Sent: _Monday, 4:30 PM _  
To: Claudey   
Subject: hehe

Hello dearie. :) Just got off the phone with you; you sound sooo sick. Runny nose and everything, you poor thing! Well anyway, I forgot to tell you I got your letters from school... and you really should stop being sick, Seb seems kinda mad. Reply to him, okay? You are really being harsh to this poor boy. Luff is a cool word... but it's still stupid. And _c5_ is just to make fun of the stupid _s2_. Get well soon my sick sister.

_c5 andii_.

* * *

**ARMPIT! OVER HERE! ON YOUR TOWEL! IT'S A NOTE FOR YOU! YUP!**

YOU OWE ME SOAP.

espagnol pride, magnet.

* * *

Dear ALAN,

Don't call me Andromeda again. I will have to kill you.

Anyway, HI. I'm glad to be of service. :) That's so sweet how they called you and everything! And she was crying? They must really love you. They're really happy. I saw them in the shopping mall today.

I thanked my parents for you. They say it's fine. My dad hinted heavily that one day when you inherit the fortune that he likes flashy, silver sports cars. Mum told him to shut up.

My parents are odd. I guess that's how I come in.

Claude is really sick. She's got the flu and has missed out on a week of school. Tell Seb that, will you? Though she'll probably be better by the time this reaches you. But tell him that's why she hasn't replied. And tell him to stop being so mean to her! He didn't have to go and start yelling at her and calling her a little snob.

How are you and the rest of my favourite D-tent-cabin doing? And you should tell them, you know. But yeah, you are a guy, and I will never understand your race.

Mum, Cecily and I made Mars Bar slice yesterday. Here's a piece for you; it's the tastiest Mars Bar slice in the history of the universe. On second thoughts, I'll wrap it up in glad wrap so this letter won't be covered in chocolate. WBASAP.

Love, Andii.

PS. Give the card to Caveman. It's a little late, hehe, but I didn't realise until... a day ago.

* * *

**BEST WISHES ON YOUR BIRTHDAY**

Dear Caveman,

Hey dude! Sorry this is a bit late. :) Well, happy birthday! Hope you're chirpy and sane as usual.

Love, Andii.

* * *

My Dearest Stanley,

We're all very disappointed that you're not home yet, but we understand that you wish to remain with your newfound friends a little longer. I'm so happy for you, Stanley! Ms. Morengo told us everything and she also officially and legally gave us the suitcase. It belonged to your great-grandfather, Stanley Yelnats the first! I'm still a bit hazy on the exact details, but your father and grandfather will tell you when you come home. Your father opened the suitcase up and it contains jewels and these stock market deeds - worth quite a bit today! Once Ms. Morengo and her firm sort it out, we'll divide the money in half for your friend, Hector Zeroni. He _does_ sound like a sweet boy, I'll be very glad to allow him room in our house.

Your father wants me to ask you what he should name the new product he's invented (Ms. Morengo says she has told you about the food-odour spray). I have enclosed a sample of the spray in this envelope. Please do try and think up of a name - your father is so elated about his new product that he can barely calm down and come up with a flashy and appropriate title for it.

We're looking forward to the day when you and your friend return. I hope Camp Green Lake has continued to treat you well. Remember to wear your hat and apply lots of sunscreen when you're outdoors!

Lots of love, your mother.

PS. Happy birthday! There's a card in here from your father and grandpa too, and we'll have a nice proper party once you and your friend are home!

* * *

SEB

I HAD THE COLD. I HAVE THE COLD. I'M SO SICK AND ABOUT TO DIE TRYING TO WRITE THIS. I CAN BARELY BREATHE. YOU ARE AWFUL, SEB, NEVER WRITE TO ME AGAIN.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I wrote that last night and fortunately abstained from sending it this morning. Now I have calmed down.

I'm feeling a bit better now, so I'm going to write this properly. Seb, I hate it when people act like they own me. And I didn't need you to come to my rescue, like a knight in shining armour, because I can take care of myself. Do I seem all weak and damsel-in-distress-ish? Because if I do, you are delusional.

Sorry I've been so mean. And remember I hardly ever apologise, much less in writing which I can't take back, so you should keep this letter for eternity and frame it or something.

I'm sending you a piece of Mars Bar slice my best friend made the other day and gave to me. I can't eat it if I don't want to choke to death, so I'm giving it to you. I love Mars Bar slice and this piece looks particularly tasty, so you should appreciate my thoughtfulness. Okay, that's it for now. Bye bye Seb.

Luv and tissues,  
Claude.

* * *

_Claudey –_

Hiya! It looks like you're about to fall asleep so hopefully this note will wake you up. You still look awfully sick - maybe you should've stayed home again. How did things go with Seb?

_c5 Andii._

_

* * *

_

_Di – _

I wanted to, but mum wouldn't let me.

He groveled. I forgave him. :) Nah, he's a nice boy. Teases me and everything, but he's sweet.

_s2 claude._

PS. COULD MR. SNG BE ANYMORE MEAN? MY FIRST DAY BACK AND HE HANDS OUT A FIVE-TASK ASSIGNMENT. NOOOO!

* * *

**ARMPIT AND MAGNET. OVER HERE. YUP, THAT'S RIGHT, ON MY FOREHEAD.**

WHERE'D YOU GET THESE PINK POST-IT NOTES?

**X-RAY.**

**

* * *

**

Dear Mum,

Hi! Everything's fine here as usual. I gotta make this quick – in the middle of baking cookies! Anyway, Dad's foot odour stuff smells good. Tangy, like spiced peaches. My friend Zero (Hector) reckons you should call it Sploosh. I was a bit stumped at first, but you've got to admit, it has a nice ring to it.

Uh oh, our oven's starting to smoke – bye Mum!

Love, your son Stanley.

* * *

Dear Andromeda,

I insist on calling you Andromeda until you stop calling me Alan. You're right, that Mars Bars slice really was the tastiest I've ever had. I never knew you could cook. It's really weird how you sent me that, because today we baked chocolate-chip cookies. I'll send you a couple. I don't have any glad wrap so I'm just gonna put this in a separate envelope and sticky tape it onto this.

There have been tons of phone calls and a lot more mail these days. Family. All really anxious to hear how their "little ones" are doing, just cos now they're all coming home soon. It's weird. I mean, they didn't bother while they had just started to come to camp, but they do now just as they're about to go back. I'm so cynical.

We're all good, as usual. Camp's a lot of fun without the Warden and her evil accomplices, though... I do kinda miss them. Really, they weren't that bad. Maybe the AG doesn't like people who don't shave? No stubble on that man's chin, I can tell you that.

I'd buy your dad that sports car of his even if it costs me an arm and a leg. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going, if I sold my entire body and everything that I own, all he'd get is probably a tyre and a power window.

Great. I just unintentionally degraded myself.

Your parents are great. You should be glad you have them. I'd kill to have parents like yours. Well, not really. But I would give an arm and a leg, which should tell you a lot.

They're setting up a temporary flying fox for us! It's going to be heaps fun - we can't wait to see lil Zero go on it. Imagine seeing that afro whizzing past in the air! Hahaha. Wish you were still here; it'd be awesome entertainment to see you scream your head off.

Anyway, I told Seb about Claude. He seized up and went all, "She's _sick_?" And then ran off to his cabin. I don't get that guy sometimes. I saw him this morning, though, and he was all happy because he's gotten a letter from her and it was nice and long and she said sorry. So yeah. He plans to not reply for a couple of days, just to torment her. Maybe you should tell her that, so she doesn't chuck a hissy fit and then he gets all annoyed and starts the whole thing again. If that happens, I need a new hiding place.

Caveman says thank you HEAPS HEAPS HEAPS for the card. Yikes. I didn't know it was his birthday.

Yeah, well, you're a girl and I will never understand your race.

I miss you princess. Why can't you dress up as a boy and steal a lifetime supply of gummi bears so I can see you again?

Love, Squid.

PS. What is "WBASAP"?

* * *

**X-RAY! OVER HERE! YOU HAVE A NOTE! ON YOUR CRATE!**

I could hardly miss that big note on your forehead asking where the post-its came from. I... borrowed them from the 'lil girl when she was still here. Aren't they neat?

_Squid._

_

* * *

_

Dear Mister Alan Smith,

As Mr Pendanski repeatedly said, my dear one, you're going to have to get used to the name SOCIETY will recognise you by. Because it's also what your grandparents are going to recognise you by. And they are not going to call you Squid.

And ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME? Those cookies were disgusting. I gave them to my dog, Popeye. I tried to convince Cecily to have some too, but she seemed to gather the worst when I choked violently and spat out my first bite.

But don't feel bad or anything. :) You can't be as good as me at everything, can you? I jest, I jest, Squiddy. Don't cry. :)

My parents are really great and I love them, especially when I see Claude's family. I mean, her parents are both very nice people, but not exactly a family-couple, if you understand? Her mum is a fashion designer who's forever on the phone with big companies in Tokyo and Hong Kong. And her dad is the CEO of another huge Japanese industry and he's not around as much as he should be.

I shouldn't have told you that. Don't tell anyone, okay? Claude is okay with it, but I know she misses them.

A FLYING FOX? I LOVE FLYING FOXES! AHHH I WISH I WAS STILL AT CGL!

I've got to go now and help make dessert. Any ideas what I can make? Not like you can get them to me fast enough, but still...

Quickly now, WBASAP stands for: write back as soon as possible. Neat, eh?

Love, Andii.

* * *

Dear Claude,

Way to make me feel bad, Claude. I hope you're feeling a lot better now – but I had no idea, so you can't stay too angry at me _again_, can you? Anyway, sorry for going crazy in the last letter. I thought you were giving me the silent treatment. I don't mind you yelling at me so much, but I hate it when people ignore me. But yeah, I'm sorry, and thanks for the slice. It tasted pretty good.

However, I have to say – YOU APOLOGISED? I can't believe it. You seem so above that.

I know you're not the damsel-in-distress type... it's just that I'm a guy, and guys feel the need to defend or protect the people they care about. Well, at least decent guys do. Get what I'm saying? I mean take Squid for example. (Guy who's with your friend Andii - I'm sure not even you can be that oblivious.) He beat up three dudes from B-tent for calling her trash and stuff. You don't see her chucking a fit. (Please don't get mad.)

Hey, so you know how CGL's closing down really soon? Well, that means I'm going back home. But that won't change anything, right? We'll still write to each other, won't we?

I've gotta run now - it's my group's turn to go on the flying fox they newly installed for us. Yeah, I'm probably gonna hurl afterwards. I know that would make you laugh.

Sleep well tonight and make sure you don't get sick again; I still dunno why I care, but I obviously do, so be happy about it. Heh.

Love, Seb.

* * *

**YO! D-TENT! OVER HERE! ON MY FOREHEAD (YET AGAIN)! IT'S A NOTE FOR YOU DUDES. ALRIGHT.**

Sup, dudes? We're gonna do this nice thing for each other cuz we're all going our separate ways soon.

And cuz I said so.

WE ARE GOING TO WRITE 3 NICE THINGS AND 3 MEMORIES OF ONE PERSON OF D-TENT. You get to choose who you want to write about. The last person will have to write about me (a privilege, really) cuz I'm starting. Once you get a note, you have to thank the person who sent you it and then draw a big 'L' on your forehead (that doesn't wash off) so future people will know not to write about you, since you already received one.

You don't understand?

Maybe my fist will help.

Just kidding.

Kinda.

**X-RAY.**

**

* * *

**

**ZERO!** there's a note hidden under your pillow.

nice things  
1. loyal  
2. listens  
3. best at digging

memories  
1. being totally silent until Caveman and the 'lil gal came along  
2. crushing that spider (yeah, still remember that)  
3. finding that wicked suitcase full of 'treasure'

will miss ya heaps, Zee.

**X.**

**

* * *

**

Dear Andromeda,

Make chocolate-chip cookies for dessert and send one to me! They can't be any better than mine. Besides, Zig says ours tasted fine, so what's up with your taste-buds?

Wow... Claude's parents sound like the type to have kids who end up in these correctional places. You know, they start rebelling to get attention and cos they feel unloved, and become a little 'delinquent' in the process. Not that Claude will; did you see the look on her face when she saw the condition of our pool table? And I promise I won't tell anyone. I'm good at keeping secrets.

The flying fox was awesome. Seriously. At first Magnet fully freaked out – turns out he has an intense fear of heights. HAHAHA. Isn't that funny? But it was cool cos he went from completely terrified to completely… well, Magnet-like as he zoomed down. It took us ten minutes to convince him to go on though.

We're getting closer to coming back home.

That's kinda scary.

X-Ray's making us do this new thing where we pick a member of D-tent and write nice things about them. I haven't been picked yet. Sniff.

I'm tired now. Zig says hi and sends you a hug and a metal rod. Err... no, I'm not going to put it in this letter. You'll just have to imagine it. I still miss you, but I suppose writing to you helps eases that… a little. Is that what a guy's supposed to write without sounding too corny?

Love, Squid.

* * *

**Andii! There's a note on the fridge for you!**

Morning sweetie! I took your sister out to have waffles for breakfast. I tried waking you up, too. Do you remember hitting someone in your dream? Well, that wasn't a dream. Anyway, I've made eight copies of the photos, just like you asked, and I also bought eight photo albums for you. They're on the counter, along with the photos. Have fun filling them up! Have cereal for breakfast; the good-for-nothing toaster has malfunctioned. It is now in the bin. Don't touch it.

Mum xoxo.

* * *

Stanley, (I don't know why everyone does this but they all write where the note is. So... there's a note in my hand that I'm passing to you)

nice things  
1. patient  
2. really caring and nice  
3. non-judgemental

memories  
1. teaching me to read and write  
2. finding that suitcase with you  
3. being my first friend

Thanks!

ZERO.

* * *

Dear Seb,

Yeah, I'm fine now. And I can't believe I apologised either. Do you see what you're making me become? It's groundbreaking, so I hope my last letter's framed up on your living room wall.

Seb, has anyone ever told you that you're pretty hard to stay mad at? It's quite an enormous feat because when people get angry at me, they always say it's the easiest thing in the world to stay angry. But you… you with your subtle care and chivalrous, manly defensiveness makes it very hard and makes _me_ feel bad, therefore making me write out an apology which is now framed above your mantelpiece.

Heh, sorry for rambling. But thanks for the letter Seb and I hope you didn't hurl on the flying fox.

But then again, I don't care right? ;)

It won't change anything, you _baka_. We'll keep writing; the joy of the pen and envelope indeed. I believe I owe my English teacher. But you'll need to write me your home address. Hey... on that thought, why don't you give me your email and number as well? Letters are fun and all, but we might as well make use of our technologically advanced age, right? I'll give you my details and ring me sometime when you're back home, okay?

You better stay out of trouble from now on!

And Seb… you have nice eyes.

Haha, catch ya later.

Luv,  
Claude.

* * *

**Magnet** - hey, there's a note on your bed

nice things  
1. loyal  
2. submissive  
3. all-round nice guy

memories  
1. your Spanish pride  
2. always trying to move up in the water line  
3. the story of how you got arrested ("my pocket started barking!")

Stay outta trouble, buddy.

Caveman.

* * *

Dear Alan,

Yup, there's a big fat parcel awaiting you. Inside are seven photo albums; they're full of the pictures I took with my camera. There's one for each of you D-tent delinquents (it's a term of endearment, not meant to be condescending) and tell them to TAKE CARE OF IT OR ELSE. I hope it helps you all remember CGL, each other and, of course, moi. :) Oh, and I also sent a bag of mixed party lollies. Leftovers from our sleepover last night. Share it with each other and enjoy the sugar!

I'm off choc-chip cookies for now. Just the thought of them makes me feel nauseous. My taste-buds are fine, I think we all know whose taste-buds are whacked-up in this situation.

Only a fortnight till it's time to go home, right? And writing nice things about each other! That is the SWEETEST thing ever. You see, that kind of behaviour makes me love you guys. Mr. Pendanski was right – you guys are a big bunch of soft toys!

I find it cute that Magnet's afraid of heights. Shows even toughy _Espagnol_ guys have their weaknesses, too. Speaking of tough guys, my science teacher is the dullest man to walk the planet. He looks all bulky and muscly and like he could take you out by waving 'hello', but he talks in this monotone-about-the-electrons-and-the-neutrons-and-the-protons-and-it's-killing-me.

Tell Zig I say hi back! Give him a hug for me as well.

Uh oh, time for worksheets about the Almighty Atom. The letter ends here. Back to you!

Love, Andii.

_(PS. Sorry my writing's so messy and tiny here, I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm writing this. STOP CALLING ME ANDROMEDA.)_

_

* * *

_

**ZIGZAG!** You know the drill, there's a note in your hair.

nice things  
1. you're crazy (in the completely healthy way)  
2. humble  
3. loyal

memories  
1. chasing the 'lil chicka with a shovel across the desert  
2. your hectic hair  
3. all the 'Alien' stuff (yeah, they are nasty creatures)

Blergh... stupid X, why the hell do we have to write an 'L' on our forehead? All the other tent dudes keep looking at me, Caveman and Zero as if we're nuts... Anyway, stay cool Zig.

magnet.

* * *

From: Claudette WS Chang   
Sent: _Thursday, 8:21PM _  
To: andii   
Subject: MISS ELUSIVE!

HI ANDII. I KNOW YOU'RE APPEARING OFFLINE. I AM TOO. SO COME ONLINE, _NOW_, COZ I AM IN A SECOND.

By the way, have I ever told you how your eyes glint in the sun as though stars were lighting up in the mysterious brown and emerald pools? HAHA! Di, you're the BEST BEST BEST friend I could ever ask for and if you ever leave me for a month again I won't survive.

I love you.

_s2 claude_.

* * *

From: Andromeda Williams   
Sent: _Thursday, 8:24PM _  
To: Claudey   
Subject: RE: MISS ELUSIVE!

Claudette Chang, how DARE you appear offline… as well! Haha, coming right on ma'am. In five minutes.

My poetic compadre, you are not merely my friend, tomodachi, amigo and ami, you are my sister.

I love you more.

_c5 andii_.

* * *

**I'm all smiles...**

_**Merci, Danke, Gracias**_

Geez, 'lil gal, you sure make us thank you a lot. Anyway, this card is so cheesy and the bear on the front is a fat-arse. Who the heck has cheeks as rosy as that? Pfft. Well anyway, just wanted to thank you for the photo albums. They're... really nice. Hold on, Magnet wants the pen now.

SUP CHICKA? HOW ARE YOU? ESPAGNOL PRIDE! The photos rock. I like the one where we're all holding you down haha. I remember that. Good memories, eh? Well, stay cool 'lil chicka! Miss you heaps! - magnet

So anyway - Oh, I don't believe this. Now Caveman wants the pen. Actually, you'll hear from me at the end (if they don't all use up the space - WRITE SMALLER AND DON'T BABBLE) since now they're all forming a queue to write.

Hi Andii! Thanks for the b'day card and the photo album and the candy of course. (How could you guys forget the candy?) X says we can't write too much so BYE! - Caveman.

Hey Princ-

GO AWAY SQUID, YOU'VE BEEN WRITING SQUILLIONS OF LETTERS TO HER ALREADY. QUIT HOGGING THE 'LIL GIRL! HI 'LIL GIRL! HOPE YOU LIKED MY METAL ROD. AND THE ALBUM RULES I'M GOING TO LOCK IT IN MY SAFE! KEEP AWAY FROM ALIENS! - ZiG-zAg.

Yo chicka! It's Pit here. The lollies were FABULOUS! Thanks chicka! You're the best out there and we all miss you! - _armpit._

Hey Andii! It's really strange without you here, but we're all coping. But the photo album was really thoughtful... thank you so much! Alright, I gotta hand the pen back to X-Ray now. Bye bye! - ZERO.

Far out... leave me this miniscule space to write, why don't you all? Well thanks a bunch 'lil gal, we _couldn't have done it without ya! ("Done what?") Everything! Okay... I really need to end this now, CYA GIRLIE!_

_**No matter how I say it, it's straight from my heart!**_

_**THANKS!**_

Love, D-tent.

* * *

**PIT MY BOY! HERE'S A NOTE, ON YOUR CRATE, FROM THE ALIENS!**

Jokes, man, it's from me. :D

nice thingies 'bout the Pitmeister  
1. not a picky eater  
2. LOYAL  
3. GREAT at dancing  
4. yeah you get a fourth one you party animal! YOU'RE THE BEST DUDE OUT THERE!

MY MEMORIES OF ARMPIT  
1. DANCING KING  
2. HAVING EATING COMPS  
3. BEING COOL

GO PIT! YOU RULE!

ZiG-zAg!

PS. I GET TO HAVE AN 'L' ON MY FOREHEAD NOW. WHOO-HOO!

* * *

Dear Princess,

There. I stopped addressing you as Andromeda. Are you happy? There's a card in here, another _thank you_ one from the guys. They wouldn't let me write in it, isn't that terribly prejudiced? But yeah, those albums really are very thoughtful and priceless. We're all in love them. If there was a fire, it'd be the first thing I grab before I esca-pay!

Finding Nemo is my best friend.

Oh, and the candy was delicious. I only had a couple of snakes though; Armpit devoured about half the pack before we even realised it existed, no kidding.

Hmph. Fine, continue dissing my cookies. But they are the best, everyone knows that!

I still haven't gotten a nice-note yet, but I'm kinda glad as well, because once you receive a note and write one for another person, you have to draw an 'L' on your forehead and walk around with it. How crazy is that? Pretty amusing to see them all walking around with LOSER clearly stated, though.

Well... only a week left now. Don't let them catch you calling them soft toys; they might attack you with hugs. And let me tell you, their hugs ain't pretty. Well, I guess you've already hugged them, but still.

Good luck on those worksheets. I talked to my grandparents the day before yesterday. They wanted to know which colour is my favourite. It was strange, coz I don't think anyone's ever asked that before. Like nobody cared. And it's weird that somebody does now.

STEAL THOSE GUMMI BEARS ALREADY!

Love, Squid.

* * *

**SQUIDDY**, there's a note hidden in your hat.

nice things  
1. you're one of the most loyal buddies I've ever had  
2. good self-esteem  
3. humorous/sarcastic

memories  
1. having the only nickname in D-tent which I don't get  
2. that friggin' toothpick  
3. you and the 'lil chicka (haha, you two are so cute and ballistic together)

Peace out, Squid.

_armpit_.

PS. What's with the 'L' thing? I can't believe X is making us do this, we're actually announcing it at large that we are LOSERS. Which we're NOT.

* * *

Dear King Alan,

I thought I'd call you king since that's how they used to address your grandparents. The Royal Majesty Charlie and Christina. Haha.

And no, I will not steal any gummi bears because I'm not a criminal. Besides, you're coming back in four days which means this is certainly the last letter I am going to be sending to you. Say thank you to D-tent for me, and tell them I love them very much. I can't believe CGL is closing down, actually. It's... frightening, almost. Well, I wish the guys all the best in their lives, and we've got to get together some day. Like a D-tent reunion or something.

Hey Squid? I need to tell you something a bit more serious. People here are getting ready for you to come back and… they're not exactly happy. They still haven't forgiven your mum for destroying what would have been "a respectable and loving household that would have benefited the community mutually." And hence they're not exactly fond of the idea of you returning, especially since you're coming from a juvenile camp.

But don't worry! Cos we've got your back – me, your grandparents of course (which will win over the nation, everyone loves them), my family and even Claude (and we all know how hard she is to please). In short, don't fret too much about it, because Palmoilin people have their noses THIS far up in the air and they need something of catastrophic proportions to bring it down. I mean, our neighbours are always (nicely) saying that it's such a pity that Cecily and I aren't any taller.

I mean, come on, Cecily is only five-years-old!

PFFT.

I hope you've gotten your nice-note by now, so you can draw a nice, lovely, big 'L' on your forehead, where it belongs. Tell Zig to take a picture and send it to me! It will make me smile whenever I feel like frowning.

You're right; THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEIR HUGS. So go tell them that they are big softies so I can get some hugs. I really miss hanging around all of you. Those were the days.

Right, well I guess that's it for now, Squid. Keep your head up and don't walk into anything! By the way, what is your favourite colour?

Love, Andii.

* * *

**X-RAY! YOU HAVE A NOTE! ON YOUR FOREHEAD! YUP!** I hope you don't get too angry at me for sticking it there.

nice things  
1. natural leader  
2. brainiac who knows how to keep people in order and together  
3. defensive and loyal

memories  
1. those bug-eyed glasses, man  
2. that really scary glare... I call it the Premature Heart Attack Glare  
3. making us write these nice note things and then drawing an 'L' on our own forehead... geez, only you could make people do that

You're the best, X. Cheers.

_Squid._

_

* * *

_

**TO D-TENT AT LARGE:**

WHOOO, YOU GUYS DID IT! YOU SUCCEEDED AT BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER! CONGRATS!

And sorry about the 'L' thing. I thought it would do some good to humble you guys a bit. Heh. You can wash it off now, by the way. Well... you dudes are the best friends a guy could ask for, it's been fun being the 'leader', but to tell you the truth, you guys made it work, not me. We gotta stay in touch, a'ight? We can't fall apart; that would be breaking the D-tent code. So here's a spare piece of paper, everyone write down your phone number and email, and DON'T EVER FORGET THE DUDES YOU MET AT CAMP GREEN LAKE.

Peace, **  
X-RAY.**

**

* * *

**

Dear Princess Andromeda,

Hey, I just got back from lunch. We had fish and chips. Anyway, we have free time now and everyone's in the Wreck Room. X and Magnet are playing on the pinball machine (we got that awhile ago) and – COULD THEY BE ANY NOISER? There, I just told them to shut it. Didn't work, though, 'cos X sent me one of his murderous looks so I just shut up and sat back down.

So... it's our last day today. Tomorrow morning we'll be boarding the bus back to our real lives. It doesn't seem right, in a way. My life here seems so much more real than the one I had back out there. It feels so weird to be leaving. It feels so weird to think that this is really the last day we're spending together.

We've exchanged phone numbers and emails, even Zig who had to ring up in order to find out his number. I copied an extra list and I'm sending it to you as well, so you have no excuse to forget about us!

Anyway, I told the other guys thanks for you, and they all say they love you too and they'll miss you heaps, but to keep them posted by emailing them. Thanks for the word of warning, 'lil girl. I hope they're not too mean to me; I mean, I am a potential criminal. They should all fear me. Hahahaha! You know... I wonder how my mum is. And my dad. I wonder if he is still alive. A little morbid, I know. But who knows what happens in this hectic world. He walked out so many years ago.

'Lil girl, I'm sorry if I'm treating you like you're my psychiatrist. I've been thinking a lot lately. Out loud. And in my head. The guys have listened heaps and have supported me. I think I'm ingratiating myself back into reality; being at CGL for so long has made me feel like a blur. It's been an escape and now I've gotta get used to the real world again.

"…_a respectable and loving household that would have benefited the community mutually"_ – wow, if I had grown up in that kind of family... whoa. I can't imagine it. It's weird, 'cos I was so close to being born into that.

Thanks for the support; I feel invincible with all you behind me! And don't worry, being short is a cute thing. It made me launch into protect-and-defend mode when I first saw you. You tell those neighbours in true Andii-style to shove it up their behind, or if you like I'll do it for you.

Yeah, I got my nice-note from Armpit. It was nice, because it was honest. Well, I did have an 'L' on my forehead, but not for long. We figured out that X didn't have to write an 'L' on his forehead, because he ended the cycle. Dang. He's smart like that. We better watch out, he'll be running for President one day.

The guys all send you their love and hugs.

My favourite colour is blue. But it's got to be a specific blue. It's blue because it reminds me of the sea and the creatures inside it. Marine-life. Yeah, that's the word.

I swear, Pit is the noisiest human being to crash on this earth. He's joined them at the pinball machine and is yelling like thirty of us aren't clutching our ears in pain. Haha, and now Zig –

WHOA.

_WHOA._

_**WHOA!**_

This letter is drenched right now, BUT _WHOA_!

Can you guess what happened?

...AHHHH!

IT STARTED RAINING.

I KNOW.

HERE'S SOME SPACE.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

RAINING!

RAINING!

RAAAININGGGG!

It is _pouring_ outside – it's thundering – and thank the Great Ones Above that we have cabins or our tents would have washed away by now!

I was just about to write that Zig was lecturing them for playing on such a noisy machine, when all the other groups started to come in from their activities. And then the AG all made us sit at our tables in the Mess Hall, saying he had something to say to all of us.

He made a big speech about our behaviour and how we should behave in society, bla bla bla, how we've all been given a second chance and not to stuff it up, bla bla bla. Right at the very end, he said, "It's been a lot of fun, actually, taking over this camp for a short period of time and looking after you boys. So I guess it is with some regret that I must say that Camp Green Lake is now... officially closed."

And at that moment there was a huge BANG.

Naturally, everyone perked up and was like, "What was that?" and there was a bit of a scuffle. Then I heard this pattering, and I looked up and frowned, and Caveman said in a hushed voice, "It sounds like..."

A mad rush for the door occurred before he could finish his sentence. All of us tried to get outside at once.

We just STARED.

There was absolute silence for about three seconds. I cannot describe the emotions that filled that incredible silence. It was palpable. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

And then, of course, we went nuts. Crazy. Insane. Hysterical. I cannot describe that scene either. It felt like my heart had grown so huge it was about to explode out of my mouth. It was just screaming and whooping and yelling and dancing and laughing in general, from every single member of CGL. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. The rain just kept pouring down, it was a miracle.

'Lil girl, I am still in shock.

Hey, it's dinner now – I'll write more after.

Wow, what a dinner. It was more of a party. We had a buffet and I thought Pit was about to pass out from joy. There was music and balloons and party blowers and even party hats. It was awesome. Man, what a day. I'm gonna miss this place. RAIN… BUFFET DINNER… It's like a dream.

After dinner, we mucked around the Wreck Room for a bit before heading back to the cabin. I won't forget the massive conversation we just had. I can't remember half of it, but we kept on talking about everything. First impressions, past memories, our lives before CGL… whatever. I really am gonna miss these guys. Funny… when I first met them I didn't give a damn and just wanted to get as far away as possible. It's funny how things change… so dramatically.

Anyway, it's almost 4 AM now so I should sleep. It's the last night D-tent spends together... and they're all sleeping like logs and snoring their heads off. Well, I can't blame them. I'm tired as well. I'm gonna see you before you get this letter, but I had fun writing it anyway. I've had fun writing to you this whole time. Actually, I've had fun ever since I met you; the little short girl with the long and complicated name, and a kick-butt attitude to match.

Heh. See you tomorrow.

Love, Squid.

* * *

A/N: And that's... **THE END.**

Wow. Ain't that dandy? Hehe. Thank goodness it's over... I love this story, but it was really starting to get on my nerves. (Hence, the lack of updates for the past few months.) This epilogue... I really like. :) I tried to finish it quickly so that it'll be ready to put up before school starts again, so if it seems a little rushed I'm sorry! I say that a lot to you guys... the word sorry, I mean. Hehe. I should stop giving myself a reason to apologise. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, _really_ hope you like this chapter. Epilogue. Whatever. Please like it! I beg of you! Hehe. And if you don't... I'll keeeeel yer!

Just kidding. :)

But I do hope you'll like it.

And please review! **Everyone who reviews this chapter will get a reply**, as a way of showing my love for you guys! So if you've been reading this in secret and have not reviewed yet (as I always do) THEN COME OUTTA YOUR SHELL, DUDE, AND PRESS THAT SCHMEXY BUTTON DOWN THAT SAYS R-E-V-I-E-W! WHOO! (**And a hint**! Reviews that contain a nice, long, detailed message will receive longer replies because... well, it's common sense!) Hehe. I like long reviews. They make me smile. :)

While we're on the note of reviews, I BROKE **FIVE-HUNDRED** REVIEWS WHICH MAKES ME WELL UP IN TEARS OF JOY BECAUSE THAT IS ONE HECK OF A LOT OF REVIEWS.

Each and every one of you is special. :) Thank you... I dunno what to say, even. Thank you doesn't seem enough. I _adore_ you all, and thank you _so much_ for being there for me throughout this story, and always slipping me a positive comment and handy hints. :) _(starts running around and hugging you all)_

Wow... the chapter is alone is OVER 10,000 WORDS! HOLY MOLY! Okay, better not kill the uploading with a really long author's note! I'll see you all and talk to you all next chapter! Mucho love-lah, msq.


	27. A Phat Disclaimer And Letter

Disclaimer: I don't own Holes, and never will! Haha, and this is the last time you'll have to put up with that kick-butt-annoying disclaimer! Actually, that kinda saddens me. :(

**The Inspection Of CGL is finished**

**Chapter Twenty Seven (sob sob) ll A Phat Disclaimer And Letter**

----------

**ROLLING THE CREDITS AND REPLIES**

MSQ announces, "They have been removed! To www (dot) freewebs (dot) com (forward slash) sugarquill (forward slash) cgl (dot) html! Just to warn you, it looks almost identical to the REAL fan fiction net, but it's not so don't be fooled!"

---

**YOU SURVIVED THAT TOO? Cool. :) Okay, here's my rambling.**

MSQ has consented to a speech, "Hello there! Well, I think this is the last you'll hear of me for now. Hehe. Yay! But anywho, rightio. I just wanted to say I have grown very fond of this story. It was a treat to write from the beginning, though at the end I kinda lost the passion. But it's all good! I've looked forward to reading your reviews every time I posted a chapter. The reviews always made it worth it. Just knowing there were people out there reading it was worth the brain-ache I endured while thinking of something interesting to write. The story has become a part of me, in a way. While I've been writing it, I've gone through a lot of things, and even though I felt sad or weak at times I would always come back and write another chapter. It's... hmm, I'm not sure how to put it hehe. But it's just been there, in the background, and while I wrote it I had FUN. And WHAT THE HANK this song just played a minute ago, I am not going to listen to it again! Yes, now that that's all settled... THIS SONG ALSO PLAYED A MINUTE AGO. HEY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY MEDIA PLAYER. Alright. I am now settled with a Jolin song. BIG SMILE. Haha. I'm going to break the paragraph here because it's getting too long.

I am here. Fear me. Puahahaha! Okay, just when I was beginning to sound serious I had to go off at my media player. Brilliant. Do you know what else is brilliant? HARRRY POTTTEEEEEEEER! WE'RE GONNA WATCH IT AS A SCHOOL EXCURSION. OMJ. I AM GOING TO PASS OUT IN EXCITEMENT. Hehehe... I simply cannot wait! Okay, another new paragraph needed.

So, lots of requests about sequels, eh? To tell you the truth, I was going to make this a trilogy. Well, not really. Halfway through writing the story I came up with a sequel, and then a sequel to that. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to write these stories, and I think it's quite safe to say I won't. Oh, that was dreadfully harsh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. But... there might be a chance I'll write them. :) To soothe your suspense, the sequel (if it's ever written) would be about Andii and Squid's high school life at Palmoilin. But I don't think I'd do a good job on that, because I have no sodding clue how high schools in America work, and I just have this feeling the story will spiral outta control and turn into all those other high school dramas which I detest ever so much.

Now on another note about more stories. I was also planning to write a companion piece, which would show letters, notes, emails, etc; (like the epilogue) between the boys of CGL and the girls from Palmoilin. Yup, like Seb and Claude. And others, of course. It seems like too much work, but you know, I think I might get around to writing it. :) I have to finish my Harry Potter story first (goodness knows when that time will come), and I know many are threatening to kill me because my D-tent boys story, "Like Family" hasn't even been posted yet. Hehe. Erm...

Stay true to this story! This means to LAUGH at nothing, SMILE at everything, HUG everyone you see, be HAPPY, and SPREAD THE INSANITY.

That's it! So I spose I'll end with one of my famous poems puahahahaha.

Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,  
This story is officially over,  
So goodbye to you!"

----------

Lotsa hippie luff from your devoted authoress, MSQ. :)


End file.
